Not yet married, is it worth it?
This is my first post - I am not yet married and have been with my SO for about a year so we have started talking about the "future." He has a son (4) and the son loved me initially ... now he can not stand to have me around. (trust me I feel the same way). Clearly since we are not married, I am able to do my own thing and go to a safe haven (my house) or leave when I feel crummy and unwanted, but that will change if we chose to move forward.
My SO is very supportive and listens to me and tries to help in ways that he knows how, but that doesnt change the situation. Yes, when his son is not around, it is the most wonderful and fulfilling relationship I have ever been in, but am I selling myself short by signing up for a part time husband?
I am 27 years old, I could probably find someone else that DOESNT have children and a crazy ex-wife, but I love my SO. So what do I do? Should I subject myself to this life and risk being divorced/unhappy and lose a chance to be with someone without the baggage? IDK.
I also want kids of my own, and am worried since I am already ignored, will his son be treated favorably if we choose to have kids together?
He has his son 50% of the time, so I feel happy one day and the next I feel like sh*t. I feel like I deserve better, but at the same time I cannot imagine breaking up with my SO right now because I would feel like I am giving up on a potentially good thing. It may work out great? Right? Any help, advice, criticism, etc. is appreciated!
Totally agree. Some blended
Totally agree. Some blended families do work, but it's so much hard work... So much and you are going to be the one working so hard. At the end of the day I ask myself is it even worth it. You are young... Have no children of your own. I know it's easy to say move on and find someone else, but that is a good option that you at least have at this point. My DH has a set of twins (7 years old) and they live with us FULL TIME. I hate it. I loved when it was 50% of the time, but the situation is not like that anymore. You have to live as if one day your possibly FSS would move in with you FULL TIME. And if that happens, imagine how you would feel? We just had our own child together and DH is great with OUR son, but I still feel like OUR son and myself come behind his twins. I think about how I'm going to leave all the time recently. I am a full time working mother, so I can take care of my child and myself perfectly fine. But I dont want to leave while the baby is this young only because I can't stomach the thought of my baby in the house with those 2 a$$holes without me. I know that my DH would want the baby at least half of the time, so if I'm not there I would be sick wondering what my baby is going through with those idiot kids.... Please think long and hard before you decide to marry and then have a child with your SO. Skids are forever. They dont go away....
You know, so often we fall
You know, so often we fall into the trap of thinking that the man we are with is the only man in the entire world. He is the only one that we get along with, have things in common with, etc. etc.
The idea of one soul mate existing for each one of us is a myth. There are millions of men out there, so the chance of finding more than one soul mate is possible. And of those potential soul mates, several of them do not have children/crazy BM/poor credit/bad jobs, etc.
Don't think that this man is the only man in the entire world that you will have a connection with. If you are feeling this way now, listen to your gut.
I will keep this short,
I will keep this short, sweet, and to the point...
Skids ruin everything! ALOT/MOST of BMs are manipulative, controlling, gold digging pos, Oh and if you want to have a nice life with as little financial worries and stress as possible then run like the fucking wind because the skid & ex will get pretty much all of your mans $$$...so with all of that being said...STILL WANT TO STICK AROUND??? :?
^^^^^THIS^^^^^ If you want to
^^^^^THIS^^^^^
If you want to stay with him, KEEP YOUR OWN PLACE. I didn't and it's huge regret. Now I feel uncomfortable in my own home when his bitch daughter comes around. Wish I would've seen what I was getting into.....
It is going to be a long,
It is going to be a long, hard road.
I was lucky. My SD was respectful, as my husband would not allow her to be any other way, and she was also pretty timid and shy so we had few behavioral problems with her. She started trying to use lying/manipulation tactics when she hit the teen years but hubby did not fall for it.
He had her EOWE only, which was a big plus for me. He did all the parenting stuff, I only did what I felt like.
I did not want kids of my own and he didn't want any more, so I did not have to worry about that situation.
He hated, hated talking to his ex wife (psycho bitch) or being around her so contact with her was minimal (none now that SD is grown).
Had any one of these things been different (much less all of them), I would not be with him today.
I can understand not wanting to just give him up, but do not rush into marriage or living together.
This is how my situation is
This is how my situation is too, minus the respectful skid that is.
My BF does not put up with skid or bm bullshit and games! EVER! BF puts me and our relationship FIRST! And he only has skid EOWE and 2 hours on Wedns so that is definitely a huge plus for us!
Like you, if my BF had NOT been like he is regarding skid and BM then I would have left him a long time ago!!!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses! This is very helpful to hear!!!!
Only you can make that
Only you can make that decision. I would read Stepmonster before you decide anything. Then you might have some more input as to whether or not it is worth it. Sometimes love just isn't enough.
Keep in mind that 50-50
Keep in mind that 50-50 custody arrangements can very quickly change to sole custody, and you could have the SS ALL THE TIME. Remember that a 4-year-old can be managed, and if his behavior is disrespectful to you NOW it is because his father ALLOWS it. If he allows it now, he will continue to allow it, and you will have a disrespectful out-of-control teenager to live with in a few years. Crazy ex-wives stay crazy, and the crazy escalates as soon as she thinks her ex might have a chance to be happy. There are childless men, as well as men divorced from sane women, with whom you could have a happy life. Think long and hard before you go down this road. Odds are not good, if you are here already. Most of us never expected what happened to us, either.
Yikes. I'm in a similar
Yikes. I'm in a similar situation. I am 31 and my bf has two girls, 6 and 8. We were engaged, but my fiancé called it off bc of all the fighting and arguing we were doing. Guess what? We fought bc of all the bs BM tried to pull from day 1. The boundaries were always at my insistence bc I couldn't stand her bullying and manipulative tactics. The kids are poisoned bc of her and her attempts to be their best friend. Kids need parents, not friends! It's been an emotional roller coaster to put it lightly.
It really is the toughest situation I have ever been in. I still love him and their may be hope for reconciliation, but who knows. All the crap, drama and lack of boundaries has taken its toll. Im wondering the same thing--is it worth it?
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I sound like an idiot Yes,
I sound like an idiot
Yes, he called it off. He thinks I'm the problem. I've tried for 2 years to make him realize we wouldn't have had issues if he had set boundaries from day 1. So now I'm the one wanting to make it work and figure out solutions (I always have been). He wants to sit back and just deal with all of the bs that comes his way, day by day. No strategy. I refuse to live a life like this. And by God, I know I'm worth not losing out of anyone's life. If he doesn't realize that I am long gone 
There are plenty of fish in
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Someone else without children will make you happy. You move forward with this guy you are going to be miserable 50% of the time.
Run. Now. In other direction.
Run. Now. In other direction.
New here, but I'll answer,
New here, but I'll answer, too. I'm glad to see that the responses are so honest. I have been married for 4 years. We've known each other for 11 years. DH has 2 kids. The WHOLE time DH and I dated, his son lived with his mother and his daughter lived with hers. After we'd been married 2 1/2 years, BM decided SD would live with DH and me. :jawdrop: (This was all in an effort to break up our marriage.)
I had NEVER considered this could/would happen. (I know - silly, naïve, insert others here.) I do NOT have or want kids. This is very hard, but I love my husband. I'm only here because I love HIM. Had I known this would happen, I do not think I would have married him. :(. It's been a year and a half and it's still hard, no better - and this is with a GOOD kid.
Run as fast as you can! I
Run as fast as you can! I know how it is to be totally blinded by L-O-V-E.....even though you think you have your eyes wide open and see the situation, maybe deep down you think you will be able to somehow live with it or somehow things will change. Trust me, things will NOT CHANGE...THEY WILL ONLY GET WORSE. In the end, you will have wasted many years being married to a man who will never think of you first! Do you really want this?{and it will be HELL when your dear boyfriend has grandkids!}
I have been married for 23 years to a man who has a 39 year old married daughter {with 2 kids, now}. He accomodates her every whim...along with her husband's..along with the grandkid's. When that come to visit for 5-6 weeks EVERY SUMMER, I have to put up with all their ridiculous requests and am literally walking on eggshells the whole time. My life is miserable when they are around because I am invisible.
Please don't make the mistake I made!