Just need to get this out
I'm back with more whining. I appreciate this site, because, right now, it is literally the only place in the universe I can puke my guts up and everyone here can relate somehow. Warning! Sharp Curves Ahead!
In my intro post last week you were all so kind and helpful. The past few days I feel like I've made some emotional progress dealing with the new marriage and the skids, blending, then last night it all came crashing down around me again. Didn't sleep a wink last night, and today, poised for another miserable long Sunday at home with EVERYONE and my depression is having its way with me.
I'm angry this morning, again, seems to be the norm, because, after having a VERY SHORT departure from misery, here I am again! WTF is it going to take for EVERYONE in this household to get their crap together and just be NORMAL, responsible, pleasant human beings???
We've of course had my DH kids all week long. They are allegedly supposed to go back to BM today but I'm certain the phone will ring or a text will come thru any second, her giving 100 reasons why she can't take them back today. And DH will be like "ok. They can stay here as long as they like"
The week, compared to previous weeks, actually went pretty well. And I, thru some miracle of nature, found myself in a rather pleasant, positive, state of mind. A respite I've desperately needed since January, since I've been so depressed. Yesterday everyone was home, and yes it was chaotic at times but I somehow managed to be in a GOOD mood and shrug off the parts that normally irritate me. I was on my feet all day long keeping busy, cleaning, unpacking more stuff, laundry, homemaking stuff.
DH stayed busy too, putting around. The common theme for he and I was, his son, SS11, helicoptered around one of the two of us all day long, making messes, talking back, being defiant, being bored, whining and crying about various plans he doesn't agree with for the summer. The kid was a total PIA basically. Now usually, I'm the one who loses it, can't deal, and I have to leave or shut down and barricade into the Master. But this time I was able to handle it, and let his crap roll off.
Then dinner time all HELL BREAKS LOOSE.
SS11 is up and down from the table, as per usual, about 500 times, starts talking back to his father, and is generally playing class clown, again. This time, out of NOWHERES, my DH explosively jumps up and rushes from the table, knocks the chair over when doing so, charges after his son, screams at him to get upstairs! As DH and the SS are both running from the kitchen, they are both yelling and screaming.
I'm left at the table with my two Bio kids and SD16. My daughter completely horrified just sat stone faced in shock. My son, starts LAUGHING, as an involuntary shocked reaction. The SD16 says "that is NOT funny! See! I told you (me) how he really is! That is how he really acts! And you don't know what it's like to be poor SS11 and have that huge scary monster come charging and screaming at you!!!"
I then lose my sh*t. I start yelling at all three kids left sitting at the table....telling them, "this is NOT about a GD drink! This is about an entire days worth of BS from your brother, the last 4 months of all y'all's sh*t attitudes and behaviors, and if that's what that little brat needs then thats what he gets!!! As soon as you all have your own kids and get it figured out lemme know but until then STFU!!!" And I stormed out of the house.
And yes, I used that profanity. At a 16, 14, and 11 year old.
Meanwhile DH is upstairs yelling at SS11 and can be heard thru the entire house.
I feel it's important to say, that while the physical actions of the explosive jump and rush from the table and charge after the kid, at no time did DH ever even touch him. No hitting, no grabbing. Yes, a HUGE demonstration of physical intimidation, but NEVER did their two bodies make contact.
Remaining kids left the kitchen and scurried off to their rooms.
DH finally comes to the garage where I was. He was literally completely clueless as to WHY I was angry. What?! I verbally went berserk! I told him I thought his actions were shocking, disruptive, intimidating to the entire family and I simply won't have it. Everyone was left feeling like "wow, we've never seen him snap like that before, so, when does that happen to ME next?"
This "disengagement" deal is a confusing mess to me. I get that I'm to "let go" and each parent has to parent their own children their own way. Fundamentally, I don't disagree that SS11 needed his bell rang, and rang good. What I am pissed about is, MY KIDS, again, get sucked into a situation, atmosphere, where, they're left confused and in complete wonderment as to why anyone acts this way! And now add FEAR to the equation, previously not a component. And why? All because one freaking stupid 11 year old cannot and will not get his crap straight and act right!!!
Now DH and I have MAJOR TENSION. Again, new component. He and I have always been able to hear each other out and pretty much be on the same page. All last night and so far today, he and I are both in a depressed rut, can't communicate, and this episode has clearly changed the dynamic. And I'm so sad and angry about it!!! And until I can "escape" into my work week tmrw, I'm stuck here all day with these skids and him, just wondering WHAT'S NEXT?
I'll volunteer that some of this may be a tad PTSD...once upon a time at age 19, I was married to an abusive man. He was an alcoholic, drug user, who, abused me verbally and physically. I am not discounting that my reactions to the situation last night may be OVERinflated, because of where I've been. My current DH has never shown me or anyone ANY reason whatsoever, that he is out of control of himself or a threat to anyone. His bombastic explosion last night was truly the first ive ever even seen the man angry. So, I am really trying to logically keep the two separate, but I suspect that the threads of my souls past have been awakened, and I'm on an adrenaline defense.
I don't know what I'm asking anyone, other than, it just feels good to tell someone about it, and bang it all out on a keyboard. I know, that somehow, someway, these darn kids (skids) have GOT to be reached. They have GOT to stop behaving in ways that push US to our absolute outer limits. None of us deserve to live this way and I'm sooooooo damn sick of it already....and I'm only FOUR MONTHS IN!!! "Til death do us part?" We'll Jesus the rate were going that's much sooner than later!
I find myself asking why did I ever become a mother? Why does anyone EVER want kids? Why would any reasonable thinking person EVER think they can take on, even partially, SOMEONE ELSE'S kids?? Because KIDS SUCK!!!
And, this is crazy to me that I've been pushed to this point of thinking. MY KIDS are good kids. I've done a good job with them and it shows. They've been the best kids I could hope for. But this marriage, and taking on the two SKIDS has me questioning any decision I've ever made. Hence, the almost constant state of being PISSED OFF!!!! And I don't know what to do. And doing nothing isn't an option.
It sounds like this kid needs
It sounds like this kid needs to be parented. Letting things build up to the point where one explodes, like your dh seems to do, is not the answer. Bm and dh need to learn how to parent better, much better.
This kid's behavior is the result of 11 years of NOT properly parenting. Same goes for your other sks.
Agreed. But it'll NEVER
Agreed. But it'll NEVER happen with BM. She's the most useless, narcissistic, passive, apathetic individual I've ever had the misfortune of coming to know.
DH has spent his entire fatherhood overcompensating for her lack parenting. And self admits that he's caught himself in a circle of passive-aggression with both of the kids. Last night was a complete departure from what I know him to be as a man and father.
Trouble is, even IF my DH and I have/get all our crap together and parent "just perfectly" all the time, the skids still get to go back to BM for days or a week at a time, and unravel all that DH/we instill. It's maddening.
But I absolutely agree with you. NOT parenting isn't an option, and apparently the approach has got to change with these kids, and be consistent and firm. This pressure cooker system serves NO ONE.
I agree kids suck. It is
I agree kids suck. It is much harder with steps because there isn't that unconditional bond there that makes it worth putting up with all the crap.
Man you said a mouthfull
Man you said a mouthfull here! Exactly.
We all have those days where
We all have those days where we wonder what ever possessed us to want children. lol. Sounds like you have a lot going on. I would say try talking to your man. Keep calm and explain that you realize you may have over reacted to the situation but that you want to try to come together as parents for the sake of everyones sanity. Communication is going to be your greatest weapon. You said you both parent your kids your own way? that wont work... as parents you need to be a united front. Set house rules together and the consequences for not following the rules or misbehaving. Have a family meeting after you and him have agreed on how to approach things-TOGETHER- and let each of the kids and each of you explain what theyre thinking and feeling. They are all old enough that they should be able to communicate with you both. After everyone has had a chance to put in their 2 cents you as parents-together need to lay out the rules and what you expect of the kids and what the consequences will be. and most importantly the 2 of you need to follow through. they are old enough that telling them once and posting up house rules should be enough for them to understand whats expected of them. dont be shy about dishing out consequences. no tv no friends no games etc. be consistent and back eachother up regardless of whos kid is misbehaving. And yes i know this all sounds insanely cheesy but it does work. If they see both of you working together and giving the same ruels etc. they will start to listen. It sucks at first but if you work together and keep open communication with eachother and all of the kids things will get better. me and my second babys dad went through it once and made it out alive and even though our relationship didnt work out we still parent together better than any seperated parents iv ever known. Im now engaged to a man with his own 2 kids and we will be holding our first family meeting with all the kids this week. As for the issues with the exs...well theres not a whole hell of a lot that you can do. If you feel like they are allowing them to get away with things at their house and its effecting your household i would encourage you to try to talk to them about it if you can personally i know our exs refuse to listen so we have given up on that, but in our family meeting im going to adress it with the kids and make it clear that regardless of how things work at their other parents houses they are expected to follow our rules when they are with us. Ok well iv rambled on long enough. hope it helps a little. Good luck!
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Fundamentally we agree on parenting issues. His kids are so different than mine. That's what leads us to having to effect the different parenting styles. His ALWAYS need the sledgehammer treatment and extreme follow up whereas mine, never do. It is exhausting and takes us both to the edge of sanity.
I still don't know what the answers are. We've spent a lot of time talking this week and have come to some new assertions, to apply with the kids and exes. We're calling it "paper training" like the dogs they all are! Lol
We'll see. I'm sure I'll have more to spout about soon!
I agree with Anon. If the
I agree with Anon. If the father was actively parenting said child, he probably wouldn't have let his irritation and anger build up so far that he exploded and freaked the rest of you out like that.
Secondly, regarding SD16 - SHE is still a minor and should get in deep shit for 1) acting like she knows better than the adult (whether or not she actually does) and 2) showing such disrespect for adults.
This all boils down to your DH. Yes, BM is part of the issue as well, but none of you can control what goes on at her house. Your DH, however, CAN learn how to parent better, control his anger and aggression better and make a difference, even if slight.
You have every right to have issues with how he acted. No adult should be scared in THEIR OWN HOME by another adult - ESPECIALLY their SPOUSE!
I agree with your points
I agree with your points made.
SD16 later got a facefull from both of us. She apologized. I do get how DH actions put everyone on adrenaline reaction, and hers was parr for her personality.
Since days have passed things have calmed and we've been able to discuss it rationally. I'm not living in fear. My kids now have an understanding of WHY the situation happened, and DH apologized for scaring them.
I'm not going to try and defend what DH did because it was upsetting. I haven't seen it, nor do I believe it's the beginning of a pattern.
The biggest problem is, as long as SS11 chooses to be a shit all day every day, the potential of outbursts on dh and MY part exists. It's ALL the time with him. And, I truly believe this kid is old enough and capable of being in better control of himself and not drive us to the edge, as he does, and had all day long that day.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond. It's a work in progress for sure...
SweetJenny, your post hit
SweetJenny, your post hit really close to home. My husband has become a different person since his useless, shiftless 15 yr old son moved in with us. I've never seen him so angry and on edge. He's tried everything to get through to his kid, NOTHING works, and at this stage, I really doubt anything will. Over the past month, DH started blowing up just like you described. Our biokids are 3 and 1, and they were terrified. He too, just tried to gloss over it like nothing happened. I won't deal with another blowup, this is too much like living with my own father and brother, and I will not live through that again (my own PTSD, it can be hard to seperate when situations are so similar, like you said--SS is astonishingly like my adopted brother, who is a consummate liar and professional manipulator). And I certainly won't subject my sweet, sensitive little ones to it. I had a pointed discussion with DH about his losing it and how I'm sick of it, and he's done really well since then...but then saw another glimpse of it the other night. No blow up, but plenty of nasty words toward ss. I went to bed without saying goodnight or kissing him, and he definitely got the point. We have a break in sight at least--ss is going back to visit his mother for almost 8 weeks. I can't wait to be able to breathe and smile and feel peace in my house again.
It is truly amazing to me how
It is truly amazing to me how kids really do run the show. Their behaviors are the cause to so many effects. While I understand adults are to be in control of themselves "all the time" I truly do get how, they can drive a person to the point of madness too.
I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated too. It really sucks. I hope things improve for you.
DH and I spent a good amount of time this week talking all this over. He's truly sorry he scared the kids (well, not SS11) and upset me.
I dunno what happens next, other than, once all the kids are here together again, we're definitely going I have a family meeting and again, make our expectations clear and lay out the consequences.
Thank you for sympathizing with me and for your response!