Step-Girlfriend!!! How do I know my place?

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I am a "Step-Girlfriend" of 3 1/2 years. With a man that has a 7 year old daughter, and helped raise a 10 year old boy. I receive the cold shoulder from my boyfriend, upset cause I don't get involved enough with the kids. I just don't get it, I do little things here or their, but it's hard for me cause I am not their mother or father. Where is my place? I ask him for help or what I should do differently, he just says I should know, not offering me help or insight. Anyone else's relationship like this? I probably need a good coucelor, haha.

Thanks!

Also, he always says I am

Also, he always says I am just doing my own thing in the background, I don't 100% agree with this. They will be watching a movie, and he is upset cause I am not sitting on the same couch watching, instead I am cleaning the house. It's not good enough if I am sitting on a different chair he says, he wants me on the couch piled up with the kids to be "more" involved.

I think you probably need to

I think you probably need to find a new bf...

He says after our bicker

He says after our bicker today, I asked him why he was being so cold to me when I tried kissing him goodbye, He said after this long of dating..He's really gotta think about this. Do other Fathers with step girlfriends get so mad or think everything their Gf does isn't good enough?

The deluded ones that think

The deluded ones that think everyone should just automatically fall in love with their kids do, yes. But they make crappy boyfriends and even crappier husbands.

This guy is kind of an ass. You're not a parent, why should you just automatically know what to do with kids that aren't yours? He has deeply unrealistic expectations and he's being seriously unkind to you when you don't meet them. I agree, I think you just need to find a new bf. he sounds like one of the dads that will never really be happy with your level of involvement or your method because he has some picture in his head of what it's 'supposed' to be like which can never be reality because he's looking for you to be the kids mom and you aren't and never will be.

I honestly agree with you, i

I honestly agree with you, i think he will never be happy with my involvement. Thanks for sharing with me. I really don't have many people letting me know if this whole thing is messed up or not. He makes me feel like crap every time we have them if I don't talk enough or get involved enough. It's a vicious roller coaster really. I am a good person, I don't know why he thinks I suck so bad at step girlfriend parenting? To me, I have been a lil distant because on the long run, he doesn't wanna marry me til I am more involved with the kids. But to me, I am still just a girlfriend, should I really get THAT deep into their lives, maybe that's what holds me back the most.

He does wish I could really

He does wish I could really love them like he does, he doesn't know why I don't. I just can't fake it though, not my personality to pretend. We have fun, go on bike rides, play with dolls, coloring books...I just don't know what else he expects on me. He mentioned "getting involved" means getting them up for school. Putting them to bed...ect but he is a very controlling guy he seems to do that stuff just fine, I feel if I was to help I would simply get in the way of the " routine"

And in time? You might. But

And in time? You might. But from the get-go? I have friends who think my kids are great... have fun with them. And then they go home. They do not love mine like theirs - nor should they have to.

True, that's what I tell him,

True, that's what I tell him, in time it just happens, I can't force out that feeling. I can say I love his daughter, but I will never love her like he does or like how her mom loves her. I think he thinks I should and is disappointed that I don't, which isn't fair to me. He got together with his baby's momma, ex, while she has a new born baby, he tells me he took that kid in his life like it was his own. Why can't I do that, it's possible. That boy has an involved dad in his life, not like it was a case where he didn't have a dad. I feel this is all because of guilt from leaving his ex. But why must I be the "bad guy" here?

You should not be the bad

You should not be the bad guy. If he was able to take another child into his heart like his own (and I doubt he really did) - that's cool. But he should not expect you to do the same.

I also took in a few kids over the years. I cared for each of them. But not the same way I did my own.

Remind him that you are his

Remind him that you are his GIRLFRIEND.

Not his wife, not the nanny, not the mother of his children.

It sounds to me like he just wants you to do his job so he won't have to.

Next. Time to upgrade.

I have tried to say that and

I have tried to say that and he just gets mad and shakes his head. I don't get it.

Well then you have proof that

Well then you have proof that he is either an idiot or a self centered bastard. Either way you can do better.

Time to say next.

He is living in fantasy land.

It doesn't sound to me like you are doing anything wrong. Don't let him convince you that you are.
The fact that he won't even talk to you about it, that you should just know, says a lot about him and it's not good.

Yes, he refuses to talk about

Yes, he refuses to talk about it, he tells me to just stop going on about it. I told him that he was making me feel really crappy, and I don't think he cares, he cares way more about the kids feelings than mine and that's an issue. The boundaries are outta control. I wish he would go to relationship counseling.

I am sorry to tell you, he is

I am sorry to tell you, he is probably never going to change his way of thinking. He sounds like one of those men who should not be in a relationship until the kids are on their own (and even then it can be a nightmare).

If you being good to the children while still maintaining a certain distance is not good enough for him, he is not being realistic.

A solution is not going to suddenly appear by not talking about it so he is really being an ass. I think he wants you to feel crappy. And you shouldn't.

I can't imagine any women

I can't imagine any women that would put up with his control and anger issues. He plays me like I am some horrible rat, but really I have great experience with family life, my parents have been married for 30 years, I have one brother that I love, I am 32 with no kids of my own, I have my own hair business. I moved for him, 6 hours away where I have nothing, big mistake I know, he told me we were getting engaged soon, now he says I have things to work on, mainly cause I am not close enough to his kids, one kid that's not even his. It's rubbish. He on the other hand has divorced parents, mother that has been married 3 times, many abussive men in and out of his life, in high school he was the " father" kid, oldest boy, paid family bills, gave his high school job pay checks to his mom. We have 100% different backgrounds and its always clashing, nothing I say can ever help him, I think most the time he thinks I am an idiot girl. When he hears the same stuff from another person he listens, but me? Nope. In one ear out the other.

You can't imagine any woman

You can't imagine any woman putting up with his crap? Have you looked in the mirror? There she is!

Come on - you must be smarter than this.

You let him make you feel

You let him make you feel crappy. Don't give him that control. Stop talking about it and just do. Do it how you want to. He will get over it and when he try's to say something tell him you don't want to talk about it.

Sounds like he wants you to

Sounds like he wants you to be mum, but the kids already have a mum. Tell him does he love his friend's kids the way he loves his own? Of course not and that is the same with you.

My OH is exactly the same, granted I don't do as much as you, mainly as their are language issues (I am learning the language of this country I have moved to be with him), but I do little things that I can for the girl, but it's never enough, or not big enough for him to notice. I just ignore him now. We have argued about it so much, it's crazy, but he knows where I stand and if he pushes me, he knows that the little I do do, I will stop and he can spend time with her alone.

Ask him, maybe when it is just the two of you, and he seems relaxed and happy how he would like you to be more involved. If it's waking the kids up etc, maybe you can take turns, but point out that you are not their mother, so don't let him treat you like a babysitter, or a doormat. Good luck!

Thank you!

Lol you should know??? Yeah I

Lol you should know??? Yeah I got similar from mine. Believe me. Nothing you do will be right. Either you overstep or you aren't doing enough. Your best bet is to stay minimally involved as you have been. It's his problem not yours. The worst thing was get more involved get chewed out and screwed over by it then try to remove myself and be less involved.

That's kinda where I am at,

That's kinda where I am at, staying involved just a little, been together 3 1/2 years now, I don't know how long we can go like this. So true on what you said about over stepping or under stepping, I have gotten chewed out for both. So, I just set back a lil more, observing. My opinions about how much he gives his ex for her house payment( totally dumb) how much he spends on the son that's not even his. I feel he always acts with guilt. So the kids are top priority always, even if I am sitting in a room crying, whatever the kids feelings are the most important. When we watch movies, I sit on this comfy reclining chair sometimes and they sit in the couch....he asks me why I don't sit on the couch, I say...it's cozy over here and there isn't much room on the couch, he takes it as I don't wanna be involved. And thinks if I sit on the couch and watch movies the kids would feel like I am giving them attention....it's so messed up.

Thank you for your insight, I

Thank you for your insight, I really do appreciate all opinions on this. There is so much I can't even begin to type, and still he sets me up looking like i am a bad person, probably so I feel helpless and can't live without his control. It's really sad. He has a great heart and soul, I think he is do messed up from his past, he never got ahold of the passive aggressive behavior he was taught as a child, now I get to deal with the attitude from his 36 years of living that way.

And no, you don't need a good

And no, you don't need a good counselor, you need a good man. Go get you one.

Ditto - and the next time he

Ditto - and the next time he chews out your ass turn it around and chew out his lazy bastard self.

Really glad we didn't get

Really glad we didn't get married now, I always talked about it and so did he the first 6 months...now I am not good enough after 3 1/2 years? Ha really? So I am glad we didn't now, cause frankly I don't know if we should love each other or kill each other, ha! I bet it's hard for you! But having your own kids too, at least he can see the motherly in you. I am an excellent cat mom, doesn't that count? and really when I do interact with his daughter she loves playing and hanging out, but I am not her mom and never want to be. So come time for discipline, he has actually told me to keep that roll up to him. So I keep out of it all. Cause my parenting and his is totally opposite.