So fed up, but don't know what to do.....
I could really use a temperature check here as to whether I'm the crazy one in our family....I have been married to DH for almost 10 years, SD is now 17 and we have an adopted daugther (AD) who is 10 who has some special needs (just diagnosed bipolar and difficult behaviors). DH is totally partial to SD to the point of ridiculousness (although I could probably read for a while on this board and find comparative behavior I'm sure). DH obsesses over SD's college visits, her club volleyball (he wrote up a 23 page report of her statistics to send to her coach to prove to the coach that SD should get a starting spot at a tournament). DH spends all available time with SD when she is here (50% time) or on SD issues, and when she is not here he is at work. In short, he neglects AD and me, attends every minute of SD's tournaments and school functions but skips AD's etc. He treats SD with kid gloves and gives her basically anything she asks for (and even volunteers stuff to her -- "do you want private lessons? you can have as many as you want"). None of this is discussed with me, I have no say in it from a schedule standpoint or financial standpoint. DH is also verbally abusive on a regular basis to me and disrespectful to me in front of SD. He invites SD to "come watch a movie with me" at night when she is here and does not invite me. He watches Game of Thrones with her (intense sex scenes) which I think is totally inappropriate but if I say anything he tells me to "stay out of his f-ing business". On two occasions DH and I were supposed to have a date night and SD was supposed to babysit AD, we got in an argument and DH took SD out instead to movie and dinner and left me at home. Also, we had water leak at our house when DH was at SD's volleyball tournament and I had to have water turned off, plus at the same time AD had a 103 fever yet DH refused to come home from tournament 20 minutes away to help.
The situation is getting worse and worse the older that SD gets, and now at dinner every night the topic is totally on SD, her college choices, her workouts, etc etc. DH never asks me or AD about our day or brings us into the conversation. I'm like the maid and the cook and AD is sad that her father does not spend time with her like he does with SD.
So now I'm wondering what to do. If I divorce him then AD will have to spend time with him and SD and he will just focus the time on what SD likes to do and will ignore AD and her behaviors will get worse (DH is not good at following the therapy reccs for AD and how to deal with her behaviors). I know nothing is going to change but I just need motivation/advice on how to just do my own thing here and have zero expectations that I will ever be an entity in this family as long as SD is around. Oh I also truly believe that DH got married again because he felt so guilty about his divorce when SD was young and he wanted an instant family for her, but now that she is grown up he doesn't need that anymore.
Thanks for any advice/thoughts on this situation.
I would document envy
I would document envy instance of his neglect toward AD. The lack of care of her when sick, instances where he ignores the recommendations of the therapists, AD's events that he skips. Then find a killer lawyer and sue for full custody.
I hate to say it, but honestly, it sounds like the man may decide not to use any visitation he might be granted anyway. Either way, you need to get both of you out of this situation. It is Very unhealthy for your DD to see this as the model for adult relationships.
You're the second SM here
You're the second SM here with an adopted child that isn't treated the same as dad's BK.
Walking away from this will be in your daughter's best interest. Since dad isn't involved with her now, chances are he won't bother with visitation.
^^ Agree with the two posters
Unfortunately, your DH is showing his true colors and isn't one bit interested in either you or AD. He's showing you that he did, indeed, marry you to make his darling precious happy and for that reason only - otherwise, he would man the hell up and parent AD and be a supportive partner to you.
Document EVERYTHING. Prepare yourself. For the sake of your AD's future, get away from this moron.
^^^yes, I'm also REALLY
^^^yes, I'm also REALLY creeped out. Sorry honey, but if this were my situation, I'd be packing my daughter up and getting the Hell out!
I agree with everyone else as
I agree with everyone else as well, nothing more to add except for numbers - the more of us that agree and can see it hopefully the easier it will be (not that it will be easy IYKWIM)
Document, divorce and make a HEALTHY life for your daughter and yourself. Lose this guy.
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice. In the past when we have talked about divorce DH has said he would have to have the same schedule with AD for visitation as SD, that is a 50/50 schedule but NO predictability (ie different days every week) due to DH work schedule. This would never work with AD, she is fragile emotionally and anxious and could never go back and forth the way SD has done for her whole life. So although I doubt a judge would grant him a schedule like this for a special needs child, the thought of him trying to get this still scares me. He is unreliable re: giving AD her meds, adhering to routines, etc. Oh I also forgot to mention he has a little porn habit (mostly when he goes out of town) and I have recently found links on his laptop to live porn. I do agree that I need to stay at least 10 years as I believe in my state it makes a difference with alimony. The primary reasons I am hesitant to leave are 1) financial (he is very wealthy and I have not worked in 10 years) and 2) I'm worried about the effect this could have on AD (more stress, me having to work full time, etc). So its hard to decide if its better to just stay put with my mouth shut and ignore him and have a nice life financially for both me and AD, or to try to kick him out or move out myself. If it were just me I'd have been gone years ago, but I do worry so much about AD and trying to keep her in this house, her school district etc.
I would say you pretty much
I would say you pretty much own DHs idiot ass. With an adopted special needs child and proven history as the primary care giver the odds are strongly in your favor to be named the CP. I would also think that with a near adult age SD that the CS award you would get for your spedial needs child in a divorce would be substantial.
The next time DH abandons you and your daughter for a SD event change the locks, file for divorce and start nailing his sack to the wall. With a proven history of you being SAHM to your special needs daughter, DH being wealthy, and a sexual deviant you very well be in a good position not only to rake him over the coals for insane levels of CS but also Spousal Support.
I am a custodial StepDad and though I tend to hold the opinion that NCP dads get screwed most of the time I also have ZERO tolerance for toxic idiocy. Your DH qualifies much like my SS-20's SpermIdiot. That is why we kept his worthless ass nailed to the wall for the entire 17+ years that the CO was in effect.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
I could not agree with this
I could not agree with this more. DH is likely in no position to be making demands or telling you how it will be. You, OP, hold all of the cards.
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice. I need to really check into what the laws are for support after 10 years of marriage because I'm technically in a no alimony state. I did not know that you could get more CS for a special needs child, right now it caps at $1500/month in our state but maybe there is a provision for more $$ if a child is special needs. I gave up a very good career at his encouragement and also to be SAHM when we adopted our daughter but I could find still find work very easily although it would be very difficult to work full time because of AD's special needs. I also know that DH discusses our conflicts with SD and BM and then lies to me about doing this, but I check his phone regularly and see the texts. His last one to his SD said that I was having "serious issues right now" and that was why I was acting "crazy". In reality he had just verbally abused me and I stood up to him in front of SD! Every morning he mumbles hello to me and AD and when SD gets up he yells out an animated good morning and they embrace and kiss. To me this is weird for a 17 yr old girl to do with her father but he tells me they are just "close" and says I'm petty and jealous if I bring up the discrepancy between how he greets me and AD vs SD. Anyway, AD loves DH in her own way so it also very hard for me to think about separating from him, but I agree that she is not at all seeing a good role model for a healthy relationship. Its all very hard and discouraging but this forum is very helpful and I appreciate any advice and thoughts very much.
Sorry but I'm not going to
Sorry but I'm not going to agree with everyone who just thinks you need to immediately walk away. You've been with this person for 10 years so obviously there is a lot of love and history there. I would highly recommend marriage/family counseling and then if that doesn't work, you may want to consider a trial separation.
^^^This absolutely^^^
^^^This absolutely^^^
Draco, scroll down to her
Draco, scroll down to her later posts down there about teen porn.
Frustratedstepdad, we have
Frustratedstepdad, we have had a LOT of counseling. The last time the therapist fired us because DH refused to take ANY responsibility for any of the problems in our marriage or for his unbalanced relationship with SD and said all issues in the marriage were due to my "weather patterns". So this is why the situation looks bleak to me, I agree though that a trial separation might be the next step as I am always trying to think of the best thing for AD.
Sounds like he wouldn't even
Sounds like he wouldn't even bother to take visitation with AD.
I would leave but then I am
I would leave but then I am not willing at this point in my life not to be someone's priority. You have to do what is best for your daughter. You need an exit strategy...
chokinonlemons,I don't think
chokinonlemons,I don't think DH is a pedophile but anythings possible I guess. He does like teen porn (he doesn't know that I know this) and I've seen texts he has written to friends about the teen girls in their volleyball outfits at games. But I don't think he would ever have a physical sexual relationship with SD, its more of an emotional codependency and he truly has elevated her to wife status. When we are making plans for vacations etc he has to always ask her opinion and if she disagrees it becomes a discussion. He got rid of a tv in our living room (never asked me) and we were discussing what to put in its place and I disagreed with his idea. SD was standing there and he asked her what she thought and of course as always she agreed with DH (but I don't fault her for that, she's the child after all, even if she is 17). I told him later that I did not appreciate having SD give an equal vote on how our house is furnished and he basically said I was being a bitch. At any rate, I don't fear that he would do anything sexual to AD, what I fear is that he has no filter and says inappropriate things (sometimes sexual jokes, etc). He is very solicitous of SD's friends (the few that she has - daddy and mommy are her main social contacts) and has said a few inappropriate things around them. He is also adhd so has little to no filter over his mouth.
Also, I thought if he gave up custody he would not have to pay CS? Does anyone know the answer to this? I will see my attorney soon to verify this.
Ummm I stopped at teen porn.
Ummm I stopped at teen porn. Sorry but the law states anyone under 18 is a minor, a child. If someone knows that he is looking at a "child" in that sexual manner...he is a pedophile. That's like saying that you know it is illegal to drink & drive however, you'll just have a few cocktails & drive "happy"---that's still dangerous, irresponsible, illegal & a window into someone's sneaky self serving psyche. That would creep me out seeing him speaking inappropriately to teen girls. They guy's a pedophile.
^^^I agree with Shook - he's
^^^I agree with Shook - he's definitely a pedophile. GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN!
I think we may be off the
I think we may be off the rails here a little. I don't think he is a pedophile - more like a "dirty-old-man". I got guys here at work who are like that. They drive me nuts! (No jokes about nuts please). Their lizard brain is just simply ON ALL the freaking time. They make lewd remarks about passing girls their daughter's age. It's almost like it is a psychosis. All men have sex drives and sometimes that leads us to sexual depravity. Like hoarding, there are varying degrees of it. It can be easily corrected, but it requires some form of intervention - preferably from another guy though (it eases the embarrassment).
Really??? That would sicken
Really??? That would sicken me if my DH was looking at or speaking to my BD like that at 16-17. OK so let me ask you, if one of your co-workers went on a teen-porn website where it had teen girls say 14-17. What would your HR do if they found out? I mean I can't imagine HR calling them "dirty old men" can you?
You have no idea how funny
You have no idea how funny that is. Our internet filters here at work are so stringent, virually EVERYTHING out there is flagged as a porn/ gambling / gaming / social networking / file sharing / video/media streaming site. Shoot, the only sites we are allowed to visit are sites about Military specs and toasters.
My company abides by one simple rule. If something distracts you from work, then it is bad. Whether it is a porn website or the humming noise from the ventilation system, it gets treated with the same due process.
I see what you are trying to get at though. The OP's husband is definetly engaging in activities that are inappropriate. Texting about the outfits of volleyball girls? I don't think it makes him a pedophile but I do think it makes him look lecherous and dumb; not something you want to be labeled as when you are a parent.
No I understand about the
No I understand about the volleyball girls BUT remember the scandal with Woody Allen & Soon-yi, Mia Farrow & Andre Previn's adopted daughter that knew Allen from the time she was a little girl? She literally grew up in front of his eyes. That is MAJORLY CREEPY. Farrow used to complain that he never spent time with her but lots of time with her AD. I know he's an old man, but I personally think pedophile. Not so much because it's a nubile girl, moreso that it's a girl he knew as a child growing up. I mean talk about one of the creepiest things for a BM, SM, AM to face. Pedophile & you can't change my mind on it
All I am saying is that based
All I am saying is that based on what the OP wrote, I don't think he's a pedophile. He's definetly a lecherous "dirty-old-man" who needs some straightening out, but he's not a pedophile.
I think one too many CSI and Criminal Minds shows have gotten us paranoid. Pedophiles are RARE. We're talking less than 5% of adult males and over three quarters of that 5% favor pre-pubescent children as their victims.
I am not saying the OP has no reason to be alarmed. Her husband is engaging in activities that are not healthy. You guys say he's a pedophile. I say he's an idiot. If no one knocks some sense into him, he'll lose his wife - and later - he'll lose his children as well.
I see your side Draco but let
I see your side Draco but let me tell you it is not as rare as you think.
Unfortunately, I have first hand experience at this. I won't say much but I was 14 & flat chested, a stick. And he had a little step sister. Are we getting the picture here? Just because one is not a red dot on a sex offender map, does NOT mean they do not exist out there. TONS of children are abused each day & no one knows about it.
It's not paranoia, it's a fact of life that this has happened around the world for hundreds of years. We as a modern Western society have just called it a crime. You want to know just how many business men go to India & Thailand a year without their wives? No no no. I trust your viewpoint on so many things...but this I am going to say I completely disagree.
As a father, would you leave your child in the care of just any neighbor? Think about that for a while.
Look at our society. You see
Look at our society. You see how many sex workers there are in the world? Strippers, prostitutes, pornography, fallen clergy, crazy BMs (lol). How exactly do you think they got this way? Because they woke up & said, hey sounds good, let's try that as a career option? Or maybe there was an inappropriate father or uncle or neighbor or teacher? And instead of going to the police, they just kept it inside & didn't tell a soul. The warning signs of this guy is all there to see. And to be quite honest with you, when I hear of a guy watching teen porn...even if he was my banker, I wouldn't share a pen with him! As a parent...always question.
I value your viewpoints too
I value your viewpoints too Shook, but I think our crossroads here are leading to the same place. You say this guy is a pedophile. Okay, let's say for the sake of argument that he is. Or maybe he is showing signs of pedophilia and hasn't had the right trigger to act upon it.
For me, the OP made it quite clear in one of her comments that her husband absolutely refused to take any ownership of the problems in their marriage; even at the behest of the therapist. That to me is the big deal breaker. This man is a stubborn, lecherous fool who is refusing to see what people are showing are painfully wrong about their marriage.
OK maybe I am projecting here
OK maybe I am projecting here or just creeped out. I guess we can't really know the man unless he's in court & they uncover a hard drive full of incriminating evidence or he's just a sheepish little man geek. But you know where I'm getting at with Woody Allen right? Sometimes creepy little men with power might have a little chairman mao sexual creepiness to them. Ugh, I gotta take a shower now & rinse this blog away :?
Didn't read any replies,
Didn't read any replies, but...
When my kids were applying to college, yeah, it really WAS all about them. It's an exciting step for the kid AND the parent. Focusing on her sport? Yep, you bet! Have you heard of sports scholarships? My youngest is going tuition free as a result. The money I spent on tournaments (including out of state/national), club, clinics and private work with a coach was a drop in the bucket when compared to the funding she got. It's short-sighted to ignore that because your 10yo (and you) feel left out for a few months. My oldest is ALSO going tuition free, due to the prep work he started in HS - private lessons (piano, guitar and composition), going to master classes, etc. Again - drop in the bucket compared to the result.
Watching Game of Thrones with a 17yo? Big flippin' deal. News flash, ladies - sex is NOT dirty! It is a natural part of life, and watching/talking about it with you isn't dirty, either. Maybe the kids'll actually feel open enough to come to you when and if they need to. We're not talking watching porn together.
Teen girls in the volleyball uniforms? Seriously? I've gone to wrestling matches and enjoyed the view of some of the young men. Doesn't mean I will do anything with them. (Also, a pedophile is one who like pre-pubescent children - not near adults.)
Yes, we understand the
Yes, we understand the definition of a pedophile. Some of us just questioned when this started. As my Woody Allen parallel, he saw the girl from from a child to a teen. The OP said it was growing worse. MY BD also got a full scholarship at a good university. My ExH never acted that creepy towards me. Leaving me to take her on our dinner date. And we shared computers so he never saw teen porn. Just red flags isall. OP has some valid concerns
Sigh... Lost my post. Note -
Sigh... Lost my post. Note - did NOT read past the initial post, so any additional details are unknown to me.
When the kids are applying to college? It does tend to be "all about them" from a parent's pov. My youngest was fed up while my oldest was applying to colleges, going on visits, etc. I just kept telling her that her turn would come. And it did. But when each of them was in the midst of the process - it was all applying kid, all the time. Your other daughter will get her moment in the sun.
As for the activities.... Uuummmm there is big money to be had if you're good enough. Both of mine are tuition free as a result of music and a sport. My oldest? Yep, private lessons (two instruments and composition), master classes, etc. My youngest? Club team, clinics, private work with a coach, out of state tournaments (and I went to every one I could manage). What I shelled out is a drop in the bucket compared to what they are getting. In addition to undergrad, that foundation that I helped them build is providing perks as the oldest is getting ready to move on to grad school.
Game of Thrones w/a 17yo? Big deal. Really. Sex is not dirty, and treating it as such just leads to a load of issues. I have always been open about it with my two (and I'd rather they watched sex scenes than gratuitous violence), and as a result, they are very open with me wrt questions, etc. I'd rather they came to me than their peers.
As for liking to look at "young" girls in their volleyball uniforms... Really? That does not a pedophile make. For starters, a pedophile is interested in pre-pubescent children. Not near adults. My daughter used to date a wrestler, and my goodness I did enjoy the matches! Not that I would ever do anything! But these were young men in the prime of their lives, and beautiful specimens of their gender as they played their sport. As my (very wise) grandmother used to say - "One can always look. It is touching that is the problem." Heck - I enjoyed watching my daughter and her teammates (some of them) in their uniforms, out on the field. Because they were beautiful to watch - athletic, fit, graceful, self-confident. It is STILL breathtaking to me to see my girl on the field. Because I see how she has improved, and I know that I helped her get there.
THere is not the difference in age between my two as your stepdaughter and your daughter. But I always encouraged them to encourage one another. Even today, #2 enjoys going to #1's concerts, hanging out with him in the city, chatting with him online. Conversely, despite not understanding a single thing about her sport (he is the most unathletic kid one could meet), he loves catching a game when he can and cheering his little sister on. Both know that there were times when one needed me more than the other, and vice-versa.
ETA: SOrry - now my previous post is there. I added more stuff in this one.
I understand. Now what about
I understand. Now what about his teen porn? And telling his wife to F'off---it's his business? And the making inappropriate comment to SD teenage friends? And the neglect towards the other daughter?
Think the woman has a valid concern.
if my DH made a comment about
if my DH made a comment about 'sexy teen girls in volleyball outfits' O....M...G
Never in a million... N.E.V.E.R
This has been interesting
This has been interesting reading the different opinions, especially on the sex stuff. When I said DH was "solicitious" of SD's teen friends I did not mean soliciting in a sexual way. I mean he bends over backwards trying to please, and is overly enthusiastic and attentive (as opposed to how he acts with AD and me, just the opposite). I have thought about it the last few days and I don't really think DH is a pedaphile, and I looked at the "teen" porn site and its a "regular" porn site (ha, never thought I'd say those words) with different menu choices (ha again), one of which is "teen" but really they look like girls 18 and over. At any rate, its the verbal abuse to both me and AD, compared to the fawning and adulation shown to SD, that has me at my breaking point. He is constantly using the F word when speaking/yelling at me (mind your fing business, get out of my fing business, what what you're fing doing, etc) and even though most of the time its not in front of AD I find it unacceptable. Tonight he flipped me off and AD saw it and said she wished DH lived somewhere else. So she is getting stressed by him too. I think at this point I need to wait a few months until we are married 10 years and then look into exit strategies, but it will also kill AD to not see SD as they are close despite their 6 year age difference. Not sure how that can best be handled so that SD stays in AD's life? And I don't see a way that DH would give up full rights to AD, he would still want to see her for visitation. All very tricky and daunting to me, which leads me to think that the status quo is easier to live with...until the next episode of verbal abuse and over the top adulation of SD by him....