husband disrespects me to SD, what to do?
My SD is now 24 and since DH and I married (18 years ago) I've felt that DH has disrespected to me to SD on various occasions and has enmeshed her in our marriage problems as SD got older. We went to intensive marriage counseling and the counselor admonished DH for enmeshing SD and not allowing her to be a child (no matter the age) and that it was never appropriate to keep secrets with SD or enmesh her with discussions about me that were not respectful. Things have waxed and waned over the years but its always an issue. I monitor his texts (he doesn't know) and SD is visiting for the holidays, tonight he wrote her a text asking her if she wanted to go shopping today to look for after xmas bargains but he added in "(not to be advertised)". In other words, he was telling her that it was to be a secret trip that I shouldn't know about. I know why he said this....because SD pays for nothing while still in college and although she works a part time job he does not hold her accountable for any financial contribution. He had just made a big deal last night about buying our younger daughter candy at the movies, now I see this text to SD. Should I feel disrespected by this text? I've lost perspective for sure. And I don't know if/when I should confront him because I'd have to tell him that I looked at his texts.
Please advise.
I just read your past blog.
I just read your past blog. This man has issues with boundaries big time. Not just with SD but your daughter.
I hope you are back in the workforce. If not do so. Save and get the heck out. There's always a hope for alimony but trying to support yourself and your DD should be the up most importance.
I don't have my own kids yet but if I did what he did with his SD and your DD would infuriate me. One is a minor and while yes he and SD deserve to bond he shouldn't be a stickler about money to one and not the other.
I would not admit to looking at his texts. Normally being upfront and honest works but not with your sack of rat poop DH. He will use it against you and to both SD and DD causing endless issues
If you are feeling petty I'd go where they are shopping with your DD after your DH says whatever lie to you about where he is. Otherwise save up and dump him like the garbage he is.
Curious Georgetta, I reveiw
Curious Georgetta, I reveiw his texts (periodically) because of his history of disrespecting me to SD and exwife. Me looking at his texts sarted years ago because he wrote inappropriate texts that I happened to see becuase we had the same apple ID and he didn't realize that his texts were popping up on my browser. So I feel that since I have reason not to trust him (going back years) that I should be able to monitor his texts every once in a while. And every time, my suspicions are confirmed, he continues to enmesh SD and send "keep it a secret" texts to her. And the funds are not HIS, they are OURS. I wouldn't care a whit if DH wasn't cheap sometimes with me and DD. Also SD is 24 and is in college and not required to pay for ANYTHING. If she were making some sort of contribution instead of spending all her $$ on piles of clothes I wouldn't care about buying her some extra things.
You don't trust your husband.
You don't trust your husband.. I would end it. Monitoring his texts? FFS.. really? I mean, while I don't think it's right if he isn't honest with you... you are also not being up front with him either. and.. "disrespect"..when his private communications are not kept private. That is also disrespectful of his own boundaries. No.. he shouldn't be pulling others into your marital issues but it also sounds like you both need more work on communication.. so there won't be said issues right?
It sounds like the intensive counseling didn't work.
You need to either go to another counselor.. or a lawyer.
Why are you still with this man?
Why are you still with this man? 5 years ago he hit your daughter in the head and then spent the night with SD at his ex-wife's house. You said then that he discussed your problems with his ex as well as his daughter. It is clear that nothing has improved since then and you are still being disrespected. Does he always treat SD better than his bio daughter with you?
Agreed. This man is frankly
Agreed. This man is frankly human garbage. I'm not a "leave him" poster but girl, please. LEAVE HIM.
Norsurehowtodeal, the
Norsurehowtodeal, the situation was/has been very complicated with our younger DD as she has some special needs and I wasn't in a position to leave DH. I'm always in a quandry as to what to do, to be honest. If not for younger daughter I would have certainly left years ago.
Has he continued to physically assault her?
Has he continued to physically assault her? If you did leave him, would she be safe with him without you around?
I understand that things are usually more complicated than can be explained in a post or two, and it is easy for someone on the outside to say "just leave." Since you have been together so long, obviously there are things making you stay.
It seems that his behavior has not changed in a positive way as far as SD is concerned. He continues to keep secrets and that alone is a sign of disrespect.
Curious Georgetta, I think
Curious Georgetta, I think someone else eluded that you might be a therapist? I hope not because your dogma is unsettling. Of course DH has shown respect and caring for me at times. He is often a decent husband. Nothing is usually so black and white in a relationship that its "always" X or Y. DH can be very supportive and caring. We've spent thousands of hours together in 18 years and of course not every hour was horrible, there have been good hours and bad hours. Yes he does disrespect me to SD, subtly at times and other times not so subtly, . I agree that there is much to not like about him based on what I've written. But I haven't taken the time to write the good things either. There are many layers here and I've only exposed a brief view, but its the part that most upsets me so I'm looking less for validation of whether he respects me and more for a temperature check as to whether I'm being reasonable.
Who's money is he spending???
Is it his money?? if it is well so be it he is allowed to buy things for his daughter if he wishes. I give money and buy a lot of of things for my grown bio kids to help them out i dont always tell my dh not because it a secret but because it my money and it not his business. And there my kids and I raise them a lot different to how dh raises his shitty spawn.
But if it joint finances okay well fair enough you should know about it. And I don't see why them going on a shopping trip to buy a few late xmas presents should be such a big secret unless his trying to avoid a argument with you.
Which might be the case.
Considering you going threw his phone theres obviously trust issues going in here as well.
Mandy45, its not that he's
Mandy45, its not that he's spending OUR money or buying her things, its that he has to make a point in his text of tell her not to advertise it. As in, "it'll be our little secret". Which is enmeshment if you ask me.
Mandy45, to clarify, he is
Mandy45, to clarify, he is the breadwinner and he's spending our money. Its not his money from before we were married, or anything that is not in a joint account.
I have a question though.
I have a question though. When you find he spends money on his daughter. What his your response? Do you give him a hard time about it? It may be that he feels he has to be quiet about it to save himself grief. You may have trained him to do this to an extent.
If he is the breadwinner.. and you aren't in the workforce.. the unfortunate reality is that he likely has more control over the financial side of your home. You may be entitled to "half" if you split..(depending on where you live).. but I'm sure he still sees himself as the financial head of the household and probably feels his decisions in that area should be primary. Not saying that is 100% right.. but that may well be his point of view.
I think you would be better off if you were able to earn your own income.. not sure whether your daughter's issues are preventing that.
Curious georgetta.
Curious georgetta.
This lady has said one of her children has special needs. This complicates things, as sometimes the break up of a family can mean the child misses out on best education they could have got if someone has to move house etc. Though there are many things to consider in relationships such as this, this can weigh heavily on a parents mind, and can make decisions quite agonising for people. Please be a bit more empathetic here.
Also, it can be incredibly difficult to leave someone that has a few different sides to their personality, and this isn’t immediately obvious when people first meet them, as many people are inexperienced at picking up ‘red flags’.
OP, every bad relationship
OP, every bad relationship has good times, so you have to decide if the good times and the benefit to your DD of staying (I don't know what that is - financial support?) outweighs the bad.
I can't read your past posts because they don't show on mobile, but it seems to me that if you think the good outweighs the bad enough to stay, then you have to accept that the bad isn't going to change. After 18 years, he's making that abundantly clear.
Read Sammigirl's blog. She
Read Sammigirl's blog. She handled it like a boss.
You know he's having an affair with his daughter. And you'll always be 2nd to her.
You deserve better and can change your life and be happy.