1) No, no and thrice no! Never warn them first! Never known this to work well. DHs just feel threatened.

2)This would not happen. DH does defend me if it ever does.

3) I disengaged long before I knew there was a term for it, I just did it instinctively for my own sanity. I did it gradually, eg stopped going out for outings with DH and SKIDs who were then young children - saying to him that if I was there, younger SD would always sabotage it and ruin the day. DH would have preferred it if I had remained engaged, but that wasn't an option.

4)I have never felt I had to offer any sort of explanation to SDs for my behaviour. I am still civil to them, I just don't do anything with them or for them.

5)I don't think there is any reason to feel you are being harsh. None of us disengages without good reason and a LOT of provocation. If she doesn't get her fancy cake, maybe she needs to reflect on her own part in that situation coming about.

I think I disengaged a long time ago….just didn't know what it was called. I rarely have to do any of the things you guys talk about (mothering) for my skids because they are only with me two weekends a month and they don't let me anywhere near them to do anything and if I offer them some food, Daddy offers it again. If they sneeze and I say Bless you, he has to say it again (like it didn't count the first time). If I bring down a bowl of popcorn for everyone when we are all watching a movie, he says to his kids…do you want some?…you can take some. He makes out that they are too scared to take some popcorn unless he offers it. But on the whole, as I said, I don't have to do a lot the mothering, which is good because I don't think I could handle it. They don't need a mom because they already have two (BM and SO, who thinks he's Mom…and he's admitted it!) But I really am amazed by the amount of energy so many of you put in before disengaging. I have to fight hard to find energy for my own kids because I'm so tired from working, so I just make it clear to SO that although maybe he SHOULD be able to expect that from me, I just can't give it. Where I don't disengage is in discipline. I have three kids of my own to control (alone with them most of the week) so I really can't afford for anyone to come in and expect to change the rules.

I guess it would be nice for SMs to have the conversation about disengaging with SO…before actually disengaging, maybe to see if it can be avoided…but I think the problem is that by the time you realize you need to disengage, it's way too late to start trying to fix it all.

I once got so tired of trying to discipline and help the skids that I said to my own kids (in front of SO and skids) at the dinner table when SO was once again letting SS6 not eat his vegetables after he started crying and calling SO an asshole and my kids asked me why they had to eat their vegetables when SS didn't:

"You know why? Because he's not my kid and frankly, I don't care whether he grows up to be a fat brat but I do care about whether you are a fat brat, so eat your broccoli".

Clearly, that was evil. But true. And when SO looked at me in absolute horror, I just shrugged my shoulders. He didn't bother to argue. Ha ha…and there was me saying I hadn't spoken to SO about disengaging….that's quite a big statement!

Maybe you need to point out to DH that being a parent is about education. If you are not able to educate his daughter, you can't be expected to do all of the cool stuff. If you're a teacher, you can't just go on all the field trips and have fun…you've got to keep the kids safe. And keeping kids safe also means teaching them about relationships. I have to say (in my SO's defense) that he is quite good at taking a long-term view of his kids and when I point out to him that some of the behaviour he is letting his kids get away with now will make it very very hard for them to be involved in fulfilling adult relationships, he does listen up.

I once pointed out to SO that allowing his daughter's over affection with him was actually putting her at risk. I feel really strongly about this issue. If you don't teach your daughter good boundaries, you are leaving the door wide open for some jerk who doesn't have the same good intentions as you and she will play right into his hands. I think when he saw that my concern was actually for SD, he took notice. Maybe you could give you DH a couple of scenarios for the future. What kind of guy is your SD going to attract? Does he want that for his daughter? If not, he needs to let you in, as a woman (and a mother!) to do what's best for his daughter. He needs to trust you.

Practice being "fake sweet" while repeating "Go ask your Dad" as often as needed.

You are going to be to busy to "do that right now" - "go ask your dad", etc. etc.

Now blatant disrespect to your face - call it out in an age appropriate manner. Don't punish - that's for the dad but don't totally ignore. If a strange child came up to me and said "you are ugly" I'd tell the kid to "shut up" if of a certain age or "that's a horrible thing to say" to a mid age or totally ignore if it was a 3 year old. But I wouldn't be doling out any punishment.

i feel that i was reading my own post...I've been in the "disengage" part of my life. I never thought i was going to disengage my sd13, i always thought we had a good sm/sd friendship...and all of a sudden she literally threw me under the bus when she went to daddy and said she didn't like the way i discipline her because of my tone of voice..which btw, is not even close to the way i speak to my daughter. So i decided that i will no longer be her stupid ass sm that would do everything for her..from school functions to cutting her hair...cuz her bm is sooooo busy that she cant even take her to buy pads!!!! keep in mind we have my sd 50/50...i'm kinda sad i guess i let it not bother me that she doesn't give a rats ass if i talk to her or not. My husband didn't take it so well, in the begining he was kinda shut off from me...until i made him realize that I"M NOT HER REAL MOM!!! SHE HAS A MOM..i will not be only good to her...if she can't handle the bad then she doesn't get to have the goods!!! i'm glad my husband supports me for now..LOL...i hope it last..I think what we are doing is for our own sanity. I have my own daughter12 to look after than to be worrying about the kind of adult my sd will be like. it sounds harsh but its the truth

"I am planning on doing nothing that would be a parental duty, including: carpool, making dishes for functions/team parties/etc, taking to dinner, taking to movies, buying “just because” gifts for, being the Easter Bunny/Santa/Etc., cleaning up after, buying special food/snacks for, bringing anywhere without DH being along, homework help, baking birthday cakes, planning birthday parties, etc."

Wanted to add... ^^^^^ I have never ever done any of this. Obviously on the few times DH has left me with SK, if SK needs something that an adult needs to handle, I do it. But outside of that, my motto is, "not my kid, not my problem."

And I didn't discuss disengaging with SK or DH, I just did it. But if you are really involved right now, maybe "weening" off might be a better option so it isn't so abrupt and obvious.

Why are you so concerned with how disengaging will effect anyone but you?
If you are about to disengage, its because the skid mark is a demon and the father fails to parent.

You disengage for YOU. Screw how they feel.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this topic, but just a question, do any of your skids live in home with you? Mine do, along with my bs and bd. How do you go about disengaging when they are under the same roof? DH has had custody since they were very small children and BM gets them when she wants to play mom. I am tired of trying and just won't do it anymore, and am sick of not being told anything that goes on with their lives. They even go to DH to ask me to put such stupid things as toothpaste or deodorant on the grocery list.