Money. Help!
Hello
I'm new here. I have three kids and my partner (not married yet but been together for 5 years) has two kids who live with BM. I posted this on the blended family forum but I'm not really sure that was the right place.
We are always fighting over finances and vacations and it occurred to me today that our personal circumstances have been changing ever since we got together and we tend to react to those and design new rules on an ad hoc basis. It's always off the cuff. I realized that we had never actually sat down and thrashed out some really firm ground rules or tried to resolve some of the more profound differences of opinion we have about how we should do things with respect to the kids. And we are about to move in together again after a time of being separated due to work issues, 100 miles apart. The trouble is, before I sit down to do this kind of heavy talk, I need to have my own ideas clear…I know there will be a little bit of a fight because there always is when we talk kids or money…and I don't actually even have my own ideas very clear. Well, I have some ideas very clear but I'm not really sure they're "right" and what the correct way to view these things should be.
So I thought I would pick people's brains about what they thought was morally, legally right and what actually WORKS. So here's my story…..
My kids live with me (soon to be us). I work full time. BF pays monthly maintenance and sees the kids regularly. No problems there, although I earn more and pay for any extras myself because BF can't pay any more. He pays the right amount legally and helps out whenever he can. His parents often help out since they are comfortable. We have a good relationship. I work very hard (too hard) in a stressful job but it's relatively well paid. I feel like my kids suffer because of this. I am the breadwinner, so there is no way I can work less. I'd love to be there more for them but everyone depends on me financially and it's just not an option.
My partner works full time but does not earn a lot. He gives 50% of his salary to BM. He currently has his 2 kids every other weekend and two evenings during the week (it's not far off 50% of the time), though he feels he doesn't have them enough and BM is always complaining that she can't cope. BM does not work. She worked briefly last year but she has never shown any interest in moving on with her life in a serious way. She has no other income and she doesn't even bother to apply for state benefits, which she would be entitled to, although not much. It bothers me a lot that BM spends money that should be dedicated to her kids, on herself. My partner says that, as long as his kids aren't going hungry, it's not up to him to dictate what she spends the money on. Legally, he doesn't have to pay her any maintenance, just for the kids. But then he complains that his kids don't have enough and he expects us to pay for all the extras for them.
I recently suggested that we start saving money for the kids' future. I suggested that he would have to take away a little bit of the money he gives to her for the kids, to save it, and that we would match that amount, so that everyone is contributing. He said that I would have to save the same amount for my kids and no more. He didn't want me to save more for my kids. He doesn't feel it's fair that my kids should have more in life just because his kids' mom doesn't work. It's not that I want his kids to suffer for their mom's laziness but I work so hard and I feel that my kids have never had the benefit of a stay-at-home mom and, since I contribute 3 times more to the family 'pot' than my partner and my kids' BF contributes too, he should not dictate how much I put aside for my kids as long as it comes out of my overtime. He doesn't see this. He sees that we are a family with five kids and they should all get the same but I say that first of all I (we) have custody of my kids and they live with us and second, my kids have two professional parents and will always get a little more in life for that. It would have been that way if my partner and I had never met, so I don't see why my kids should now be forced to have less just because my partner and BM don't have as much. I have always made it clear to him that I won't see his kids going without. The essentials we will always find but extras like vacations and savings are not our sole responsibility when it comes to his kids. He has to share that with BM. I am happy to contribute but I shouldn't then be dictated to about what I put aside for my own kids.
On one hand I feel very selfish thinking that because I earn more, I get more or my kids get more. It's not a very good basis to a relationship but there is a very real situation of inequality here where three people in the equation (me, partner and my kids' BF) all work really hard and one person is just lazing around. And I worked so hard to get my professional qualifications and my kids and I have made so many sacrifices to get to where we are now. And to be honest, we still find it hard to make ends meet and we don't even live the high life.
I find it hard to see us as a family with five kids. That implies that when it's just my partner, me and my kids, that two people are missing (or missing OUT, as he often puts it) but I don't see it that way…they live with their mom. They are not missing out. We are a household with three kids and when his kids are with us, there are five kids. My kids don't have a right to demand whatever his kids get from BM or her family. But it seems like I can't buy my kids anything without him expecting that I should buy it for his kids too. Vacations?…Don't even go there. He feels like we should not go on vacation without his kids because he feels too guilty leaving them behind. But they don't live with us. I feel I should have the right to take my kids on vacation. We don't have the money to take five kids…and frankly, it would not be a vacation because it would be so stressful. But why should my kids miss out? His kids miss out because their BM doesn't work and I do understand why my partner would feel very bad about that and want to make up for that. But she is always complaining (and then my partner, in turn, complains to me) that his kids don't have stuff like an iPad and my kids do. But she could go and get a job and then they might have those things! I actually don't have the money to buy my kids any of those things but my family helps me out a lot.
Oh I don't know. All I know is that I want for us to make a fresh start and to clarify how things should be between us in the future with regard to the kids and money. Any advice is welcome. How much am I responsible for paying for stuff for his kids? We have a joint bank account, so I am aware that I should probably not see it as "mine" and "his" but when he already dedicates 50% of his salary to his kids then feeds them on average three days a week, pays all the gas to pick them up, I feel resentful when he asks for more, when I feel like it's not OK for me to spend money on my own kids without it being questioned.
How do other people manage their finances and savings and extras with respect to blended families when some of the kids don't live in the family home? Am I even a blended family or are we a step family?
Please help!
Thank you
Sam.
Separate finances. You need
Separate finances. You need to explain to him that he is responsible for HIS children and you are responsible for yours. PERIOD. If you do NOT do this, believe me that you will end up paying for his kids and eventually become resentful that you worked so hard and your kids had to split YOUR money wit the other kids. It is NOT your kid's fault that the BM works or not...not their fault.
You need to find a home that you can afford based on some type of formula since you have your kids all the time and he only has them 50% of the time, ie. maybe since the total is 2 kids for him and 3 for you, his two kids count as ONE whole person (50% each) and he counts as one whole...that is two people. You on the other hand have 4 people on your side, your 3 kids and you. He should pay 1/3 of the total mortgage...he should pay 1/3 of food, he should pay 1/3 of utilities, etc...if he can't afford to pay that, then YOU NEED ANOTHER HOME and to lower your expenses. I promise you that if you do NOT split it fairly, a few years down the road he would have taken all your hard earned income for his kids and your kids will have nothing. That is NOT fair. You did NOT sleep with the ex, that is HIS problem.
As far as extras, whatever he has left, he should by any extras for kids from THAT MONEY ONLY...vacations, same thing...when it comes to birthdays, Christmas, etc...you can both contribute equally to gifts for all the kids based on your income, ie. you might contribute a bit more...just like if his kids were just friends of your kids and you needed to get them gifts or the same for your kids.
Sorry, if he doesn't agree to that, he does NOT want equality for HIS kids, he wants his kids to have MORE than yours...that is NOT equality. If he already sends the BM money and he expects that from YOUR money you pay for his kids, he does NOT want equality.
PS - I actually did this with my DH after constant battles over CS and money he spent on his loser kid...he was FURIOUS at first and didn't think it was fair, but eventually realized how much I was spending of MY MONEY on his kid and how OUR son was doing without while his kid had 3 times as much as ours...it was the ONLY way to make him see how much his kid was getting in comparison to ours
I'm not sure how old the kids
I'm not sure how old the kids are and if this would be at all viable for you.... but my suggestion is that you separate your finances and rethink moving back in together until the kids are grown.
Your partner's expectations are seriously unreasonable. To pay child support and then to feel obligated to pay for all kinds of extras (which is sounds like in reality You're paying for) is too much. It sucks the man chose to have children with someone so irresponsible and lazy and it's unfortunate that his children will have to suffer because of that, but it is the choice he made. YOUR children should not have to go without because of his poor life choices.
Legally speaking, you are not obligated to provide anything for his children financially. Even if/when you get married, you are not obligated to provide anything for his children. It is incredibly generous of you to offer to contribute to savings accounts for them for the future. It is incredibly generous of you to pay for extras for them.
Morally, when his kids are around, it's the right thing to do to include them in the family activities - outings, movies etc, and not tell him to stay home with his kids because he can't afford it. But that's about it. When one of your kids gets a gift, the stepkids don't need to get one. I imagine that when one of your children needs clothes or shoes or whatever, you buy it for them and don't stand around and go, "Ok, I got DD 3 shirts and 2 pairs of a pants, that comes out to XX$, I need to now spend XX$ on DS and DD2." So why would you need to do that for the stepkids?
Realistically... if your partner expects you to not do things unless his children are around because it isn't "fair" and the skids are "missing out", you and your children are going to become very resentful. If you buckle to only saving for your kids what's being saved for his kids, there will be resentment.
Many couples in blended family situations separate finances. The joint account is for household bills/rent/mortgage only. You come to an agreement about what percentage of the bills each party is responsible for and that goes in the joint account. The rest of your paychecks are kept separate for you to do with as you see fit. For him, if that's paying for extras for his kids, so be it. For you, if it's putting extra in a savings account for your kids, none of his business. It also means that when he's used up his income, that's it, he doesn't just get to dip into your to make things "fair" for his kids.
Sadly, life isn't fair. He didn't do a great job picking out a mom for his children. That doesn't mean you and your children should have to forgo the extras that you work very hard to provide for them.
In reality, he's going to be unhappy about anything that doesn't make life "fair" for his kids. That may be a deal breaker for the relationship - money often is. Kids is another big thing that ends relationships, Particularly in "blended" situations.
He needs to adjust his expectations. I would suggest that you adjust yours as well. You are not responsible for the fiscal well being of his children. He doesn't and won't like it, but that's too bad. He will probably try to make you feel guilty about it - Don't. I don't mean to be a bucket of cold water, but it sounds like this man is more interested in having you help support him and give his children what he wishes he could than building a strong, healthy relationship with you.
I'd put off moving in with him again and I'd make sure he was more interested in me than my paycheck.
“I work so hard and I feel
“I work so hard and I feel that my kids have never had the benefit of a stay-at-home mom and, since I contribute 3 times more to the family 'pot' than my partner and my kids' BF contributes too, he should not dictate how much I put aside for my kids as long as it comes out of my overtime.”
I can so relate to those feelings. I’m in the same boat as you, I’m divorced and work full time and sacrifice time away from my kids because I have to. I've always been the primary bread winner and I would never allow my hard earned money go to someone else's kids.
I remember once I found out my daughter was letting a girl at summer camp eat the snacks she was bringing to camp. I was pissed. I went and told the camp counselor, "I'm not buying food to feed other kids, let that kid's mother take care of her own kid." The counselor agreed and put a stop to it.
And I agree with so much of what Aeron just said. You should postpone moving back in together. If SO feels that his kids don’t have enough, then HE needs to find a better job making more money, not look to you to supplement his income because BM won't work.
I don’t think you are selfish for thinking the way you do, I just think you and SO have very different ideas of how to handle money. The way your SO views finances is a recipe for disaster. He does not need to be paying for extras when 50% of his income already goes to CS. If he could afford to, that would be a different story, but that's not the case here.
I’d drop the idea of saving for all the kid’s futures. You can continue having a joint bank account, but I’d set up a separate account just for yourself. Put any savings you want for your kids in that account and don't let him know.
SEPARATE FINANCES NOW! He
SEPARATE FINANCES NOW!
He has no right to tell you how to spend money on your kids. Why would you contribute any savings to his kids. You didn't create them, you are not responsible for them.
We have everything separate and we never argue over money...
Wow, your comments are so
Wow, your comments are so helpful and it is so good to feel there are other people in the same boat. He is currently putting all his (50% after he pays BM) salary in our joint account even though he lives apart. That means he's paying towards our (mine and my kids) rent and bills even though he and his kids are only with us at weekends. He finds that very unfair because we don't get to the end of most months without a struggle and he feels like the money is being spent on my kids. I try to point out that its not about what he actually spends but he just focuses on what he takes out of the ATM. I say, of course you don't feel like you see any of the money because I pay all the bills and do the grocery shopping. Plus, since we are living apart for work reasons, he lives in a house (rent free) that my aunt owns because she wants to help us out. I really feel the separate accounts path is best for us be ause the resentment really is building up. I should have done that from the start but we lived together for 2 years with him still getting his salary paid into BM's account and giving ME a set amount each month like I was the ex. I think I was so desperate for him to demonstrate that he saw us as a couple and change the account with BM that I didn't think things through. I worry that if I hit him with the separate account thing, he will just accuse me of only wanting that now because I'm earning more. I'm going to have this conversation with him this weekend. If I say from now on that he only has to pay a third of the bills, I know I will end up poorer but I think in the long run it will stop a lot of fights. If we do end up living together again, we have MUCH BIGGER fish to fry because it will mean him being 2 hours away from his kids and dropping from his current visitation schedule to every other weekend and he is not going to cope with that very well. Again, thank you so much for your advice. x
Sorry, just a quick add-on to
Sorry, just a quick add-on to answer your question. He thinks we should do everything equally for the kids because his view is that we are a five kid household even though his kids are only ever here two weekends a month. The rest of the time he sees them close to their home. My view is that we are a three kid household. That crucial difference between us may well kill us. I don't know if I can bend on that one. When he tells people we have 5 kids or he tries to make me buy a bigger car "because we have 5 kids" I say "no". I don't have 5 kids, I'm sorry. I have three. He has two from a previous marriage and I will make them AT home when they are with us but, for now, I can't stretch to it BEING their home. And, do you know what? I don't even think his kids have any desire whatsoever for it to be their home and for us to be their family, it's just what HE needs. He needs to pretend they live with us. Sorry, I was just going to clarify a small point and it turned into a full-blown rant!!!