Hello

I'm new here. I have three kids and my partner (not married yet but been together for 5 years) has two kids who live with BM.

We are always fighting over finances and vacations and it occurred to me today that our personal circumstances have been changing ever since we got together and we tend to react to those and design new rules on an ad hoc basis. It's always off the cuff. I realized that we had never actually sat down and thrashed out some really firm ground rules or tried to resolve some of the more profound differences of opinion we have about how we should do things with respect to the kids. And we are about to move in together again after a time of being separated due to work issues, 100 miles apart. The trouble is, before I sit down to do this kind of heavy talk, I need to have my own ideas clear…I know there will be a little bit of a fight because there always is when we talk kids or money…and I don't actually even have my own ideas very clear. Well, I have some ideas very clear but I'm not really sure they're "right" and what the correct way to view these things should be.

So I thought I would pick people's brains about what they thought was morally, legally right and what actually WORKS. So here's my story…..

My kids live with me (soon to be us). I work full time. BF pays monthly maintenance and sees the kids regularly. No problems there, although I earn more and pay for any extras myself because BF can't pay any more. He pays the right amount legally and helps out whenever he can. His parents often help out since they are comfortable. We have a good relationship. I work very hard (too hard) in a stressful job but it's relatively well paid. I feel like my kids suffer because of this. I am the breadwinner, so there is no way I can work less. I'd love to be there more for them but everyone depends on me financially and it's just not an option.

My partner works full time but does not earn a lot. He gives 50% of his salary to BM. He currently has his 2 kids every other weekend and two evenings during the week (it's not far off 50% of the time), though he feels he doesn't have them enough and BM is always complaining that she can't cope. BM does not work. She worked briefly last year but she has never shown any interest in moving on with her life in a serious way. She has no other income and she doesn't even bother to apply for state benefits, which she would be entitled to, although not much. It bothers me a lot that BM spends money that should be dedicated to her kids, on herself. My partner says that, as long as his kids aren't going hungry, it's not up to him to dictate what she spends the money on. Legally, he doesn't have to pay her any maintenance, just for the kids. But then he complains that his kids don't have enough and he expects us to pay for all the extras for them.

I recently suggested that we start saving money for the kids' future. I suggested that he would have to take away a little bit of the money he gives to her for the kids, to save it, and that we would match that amount, so that everyone is contributing. He said that I would have to save the same amount for my kids and no more. He didn't want me to save more for my kids. He doesn't feel it's fair that my kids should have more in life just because his kids' mom doesn't work. It's not that I want his kids to suffer for their mom's laziness but I work so hard and I feel that my kids have never had the benefit of a stay-at-home mom and, since I contribute 3 times more to the family 'pot' than my partner and my kids' BF contributes too, he should not dictate how much I put aside for my kids as long as it comes out of my overtime. He doesn't see this. He sees that we are a family with five kids and they should all get the same but I say that first of all I (we) have custody of my kids and they live with us and second, my kids have two professional parents and will always get a little more in life for that. It would have been that way if my partner and I had never met, so I don't see why my kids should now be forced to have less just because my partner and BM don't have as much. I have always made it clear to him that I won't see his kids going without. The essentials we will always find but extras like vacations and savings are not our sole responsibility when it comes to his kids. He has to share that with BM. I am happy to contribute but I shouldn't then be dictated to about what I put aside for my own kids.

On one hand I feel very selfish thinking that because I earn more, I get more or my kids get more. It's not a very good basis to a relationship but there is a very real situation of inequality here where three people in the equation (me, partner and my kids' BF) all work really hard and one person is just lazing around. And I worked so hard to get my professional qualifications and my kids and I have made so many sacrifices to get to where we are now. And to be honest, we still find it hard to make ends meet and we don't even live the high life.

I find it hard to see us as a family with five kids. That implies that when it's just my partner, me and my kids, that two people are missing (or missing OUT, as he often puts it) but I don't see it that way…they live with their mom. They are not missing out. We are a household with three kids and when his kids are with us, there are five kids. My kids don't have a right to demand whatever his kids get from BM or her family. But it seems like I can't buy my kids anything without him expecting that I should buy it for his kids too. Vacations?…Don't even go there. He feels like we should not go on vacation without his kids because he feels too guilty leaving them behind. But they don't live with us. I feel I should have the right to take my kids on vacation. We don't have the money to take five kids…and frankly, it would not be a vacation because it would be so stressful. But why should my kids miss out? His kids miss out because their BM doesn't work and I do understand why my partner would feel very bad about that and want to make up for that. But she is always complaining (and then my partner, in turn, complains to me) that his kids don't have stuff like an iPad and my kids do. But she could go and get a job and then they might have those things! I actually don't have the money to buy my kids any of those things but my family helps me out a lot.

Oh I don't know. All I know is that I want for us to make a fresh start and to clarify how things should be between us in the future with regard to the kids and money. Any advice is welcome. How much am I responsible for paying for stuff for his kids? We have a joint bank account, so I am aware that I should probably not see it as "mine" and "his" but when he already dedicates 50% of his salary to his kids then feeds them on average three days a week, pays all the gas to pick them up, I feel resentful when he asks for more, when I feel like it's not OK for me to spend money on my own kids without it being questioned.

How do other people manage their finances and savings and extras with respect to blended families when some of the kids don't live in the family home? Am I even a blended family or are we a step family?

Please help!

Thank you

Sam. x