Am I the one thinking wrong ?
I need to check with other people please ! Am I right or wrong ?
SD17 lives with her BM 95% of the year. Not sure why but she always makes up lame excuses as to why she can't come over.
Anyway, my partner (her father) pays BM almost a couple of hundred dollars a week in maintenance and has been doing so for 5 years.
Over the five years this money has never had to cover schooling as BMs mother paid for it from the beginning and now SD17 has finished school and has been working almost full time this year.
SD17 has some medical issues, but as it has always been for the last 5 years or so, everytime a slightly costly fee arrives (such as laptops, desks for home etc.) BM expects us to pay for half of the fee on top of the maintenance! So SD17 had a medical that cost just under a couple of hundred dollars and BM says she can't afford it and wants us to pay half!
My partner hid this information from me until today and I questioned him. Because he immediately told BM that he would pay some more money for it without talking to me first! Then he said 'I should have just given the money without telling you'. This burnt a bridge and has affected me greatly and he has noticed it today but continues to make me feel as if it is my fault. I find it difficult to believe that SD17 costs $9,000 a year (which is about what we pay). But hang on, that's just what we put towards her, then BM should be paying for caring for her too shouldn't she ?
Anyway, what my partner fails to remember is that BM doesn't have a house debt (someone else paid it for her), BM has shares that my partner never got any of when they split and we have a house debt and without my money he wouldn't have a house because the bank would never had loaned him the money and he certainly wouldn't be able to just say yes to BM whenever she asks for money because he wouldn't have enough on a single wage.
BM has a job which is almost full time but claims poor everytime we see her and SD17 tells us how poor BM is. I feel as though we are supporting BM, not just SD17 ?
For instance, why couldn't she take the money for the medical from the payment she gets from us every week ? Are you telling me she uses every cent every week and has saved none of it or has saved none of her own money to pay for these things ? I said to my partner, tell her to take it from the payment she just got for this week and if she can't afford to look after SD17 for the week we'll look after her!
It just all seems harder than it should be. He refuses to stand up to her or say no because he is so affraid of looking like the bad guy. Also if he did say no, I'm sure BM wouldn't hesitate to tell people 'he wouldn't even pay for her medical'. Now that sounds pretty bad BUT HELLO! What about what we pay every week? We have never questioned her about how she has spent the money on SD17 but I can assure you it wasn't all spent on SD17.
Also, seeing as SD17 is working, do you think she could put something towards her medical ? She'll be 18 in a few weeks too.
It is also as if he would rather make BM and his daughter happy first before me. It's as if he is trying to take the path of least resistance, I'll (appear) the least upset if he says yes to BM and if I do have a go at him he knows in the end he still has me and that I still love him.
Like I said, this and other things have been really getting at me, this in particular, hence the reason I am typing at 12:40 in the morning.
Sorry for it being so long, but your thoughts would be good.
Thank you!
Is there a court order? What
Is there a court order? What does it dictate in terms of support outside of the weekly/monthly amount? If it doesn't order that he pays, then he doesn't have to. However, that doesn't sound like the main problem here.
Your problem is that your "partner" is a coward and an ass. He should have given money to her and never told you? That's not something a Partner says. It sounds like you live together. Are your finances separate or combined? Does him giving her this money impact what you wind up having to pay towards bills?
If you have combined finances, you need to separate them if you chose to stay with this guy.
This man is disrespecting you and trying to make you feel like it's your fault. It's not. He did a completely stupid, disrespectful thing and he doesn't want to be called on it. This is not the behavior of a man that loves and values you. This is not the behavior that occurs in a healthy relationship.
He's asking you to behave as a mistress - keep your mouth shut about what he does as it concerns his first family. He's more willing to piss you off than his ex. He's afraid of looking like the bad guy. Boy needs to get a grip or you're going to be looking at this sort of scenario as the norm for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter that she's nearly 18 and an adult. If he's so afraid of Looking like the bad guy, if he's so terrified of BM that he'd rather damage his relationship with you, this won't end when SD becomes an adult. He'll behave like this forever. And when you object, he'll try to make it out like you're the one with the problem because he's too much of a coward to stand up for himself and behave like a grown-up in a committed relationship.
Isn't there a court order
Isn't there a court order that lays out medical costs?
And, if you haven't already - you need to discuss putting a complete stop to these expenses and support costs in a couple of weeks when she's 18, since it sounds like she is out of school.
Have you seen a copy of the court order? I have my DH's memorized.
Good thing you are not
Good thing you are not married - keep it that way. My situation is similar to yours, but we are together after almost a decade because we NEVER mixed our money and never got married.
Reason: It's easier to let it go emotionally and intellectually when your SO's spending is not your business and isn't affecting your own finances or credit. As long as he is fully funding his own expenses in your life together and you are not picking up any of HIS bills, then if he chooses to spend the extra money he has on his SD it doesn't matter. Likewise, you spend your money the way you want to.
Completely separate your expenses. Split all costs with him 50/50. Is house in your name only? Either way, you each pay apx. half of it as "rent" (figure in utilities) then the two of you split grocery costs, take turns with dining out bills, pay your own way for vacations, etc.
Otherwise, you will just be subsidizing his loose wallet to SD and it probably won't end when she is 18. I've been lucky in that BM's family has shoveled money at the two skids, so my SO is officially off the hook. Nonetheless, I still had times where I was "irked" at the amount of money SO would give them, but I was able to maintain my mouth shut because it wasn't at my financial expense.
If your SO hasn't been paying his own way and you are indeed subsidizing him, tell him that you need to rethink the household finances and he needs to pay his fair share. If he can't pay, then tell him you still want to have a relationship with him but it's probably for the best that he moves out on his own until he is completely done with paying for SD - including all the "extras" he wants to give her. Maybe he will come to understand it will be much more expensive for him to be out on his own, and guess what - he will have to stop paying the extras for SD then, too! Because he won't be able to afford it.
Unfortunately it's part of
Unfortunately it's part of today's society. As OP indicates, her SD17 is working - so has some money of her own. I'd be willing to bet that money she earns is entirely disposable income for her - that she has no responsibility in paying any of her own expenses. Well, at least she's working.
As to her being 17, that's plenty old enough to start learning about finances. But if she has BM, grandparents or others who subsidize her, she's already learned that the feeding trough is open and indeed, the shoveling in of goodies will continue. Unless and until she starts going "hungry" - i.e. cut off money - then she will continue to slurp it up. It ain't gonna end when she's 18 either.
My SO's kids were spoiled rotten their entire lives - never had to work a single time through high school, college was completely paid for and never had to work at all then, either. Cars/insurance/gas have always been given to them and cash gifts from everyone were very lavish.
I recently learned that my SO's daughter had a disposable income of $2,000 per month her last year of college - with absolutely no bills on her part - not even gas for her car. That $2K was completely her spending money! Incredible.
Thankfully, she has a good paying job and is on her own now. But SO still gives her ridiculously expensive gifts - but that's on him. None of my money goes towards it.