DH Paying Maintenance but Ex is Leaving Kids with Relatives
Hi all, I'm new so hope I'm doing this right!
My husband pays a large amount of child support to his ex, which wouldn't be an issue as she is due it, except for the fact that she's been leaving his son with her parents lots of the time, sometimes to go to work, but others just to go away to see her boyfriend, who lives hours away. We just found out that she went away with her new BF for school holidays and left SS with relatives for the week instead of taking him. This isn't a new thing with her and her partners, as she only dates people who live far away from our town or even abroad, but it's now happening more often, and he's only 12.
Maybe I'm being petty, but it really annoys me that she's getting free childcare from them and not looking after this child with the money she's being provided with, all while the son is having some serious behavioural issues at school and at her home. He chose not to stay with us anymore a few months ago (he turned 12 and texted, totally out of the blue, that he was old enough to choose, and he wasn't coming back, despite DH's attempts to change his mind) because she's poisoned him against us over the past several years whenever she doesn't have a partner. Now she's running off and leaving him after promising him that he's better off with her full time and that I'm the devil (she still thinks his dad is fine, and should come have visitation at her home 15 miles away, every weekend and one weeknight!), even though his brother is still here half time and is still perfectly happy.
Anyway, is there any easy way to give the grandparents part of the maintenance instead of her, as they're the ones looking after him? DH doesn't really get on with them but it seems fair under the circumstances, and we'd know that they were getting the money directly. Has anyone had a similar experience?
We've tried lawyers but she qualifies for free legal services and we don't, so it cost us a fair whack of cash in the past to get pretty much nowhere, as we were advised to avoid going to family court if possible. Maybe that's a different story now that the situation has got to where it is, but any advice or info would be appreciated; I can't find anything online.
There's clearly a backstory here (as I'm sure is common) but I don't have time to write it all now, so sorry if this is a bit garbled. I'm quite irritated tonight!
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Your DH has no say in what his X does with the Skids on her time
Any more than she has a say in what he does with them when they are with him.
Infuriating I know. Though generally how it is.
As for a 12yo not visiting per the court order. Really? Slap his idiot mother with a contempt motion each and every time she fails to deliver the Skid per the visitation order.
See how Skippy 12yo likes seeing mommy getting her ass chewed my a Judge.
I would attempt to go back to
I would attempt to go back to court without an attorney. Ask for Right of First Refusal (SS would have to be offered to come to your house over anyone elses in the event that she has to: Work, go out of town, go out for the night, etc).
Also, do you allow this 12 yr old to make adult choices? Because at 12 he does not have the right to choose. That is an adult choice and he is not an adult.
My husband has been divorced over a decade.
His 2 daughters cut off contact in 2011-2012 and disappeared for 5.5 yrs. during those 5.5 yrs we had met, gotten married and had 2 kids.
my husband paid as per court order the cs for youngest daughter who was a minor. Unbeknownst to him, barely a yr after the sd's cut off contact, eldest sd was in uni and biomum faked some bullshit imaginary i'm gonna die syndrome which no dr or specialists could detect anything was wrong with her medically.
well eldest sd was about 19 at the time and took on care of her sister. Such was the hatred and vindictiveness against my husband, exwife wanted to stick it to my husband and didn't tell him she couldn't be stuffed caring for that minor daughter.
my husband even now pays court ordered ca to exwife for minor sd and eldest sd claimed years ago bio mum send her money to care for the sister when in reality its hubbys cs money as she hasn't worked in 3 decades.
how much of cs we don't know and my husband pays an allowance to eldest sd who is almost 27 now purely because he wants to ensure youngest sd is cared for financially.
i get you, the waste of money and you don't know how much flows to said minor but in my husbands case, doing it as currently is less drama for him than upsetting status quo.
hubby will be retiring very soon (early retirement) around jan 2024, sd's have been made well aware they will be cut off financially. Youngest sd will about 19 when hubby retires and in college. She's perfectly capable of getting a job. Whether she wants to is another story but she won't have any success trying to take daddy to court for an allowance as a dependent when they have an estranged relationship and where my husband is from in asia, if he's retired, courts do not take kindly to entitled adults trying to force retired elderly parents for money when they're capable of a job.
i will be sole income earner when hubby retires but he has good savings and retirement savings saved up. They will not be going to skids one bit and my income (our household income) will not be for subsidising skids lifestyle and laziness.
hubby has made it clear to all 3 of them they will be cut off instantly. My husband has a good job and salary so for the time being, thats what he wants to do.
I'm disengaged and stay out of it.
The issue of payment for the
The issue of payment for the grandparents babysitting SS is between BM and her parents. In high conflict situations like this, it's better to follow the court order on your end and let her sort out things on her end.
Is it frustrating? Absolutely. Is it worth going back to court over? Probably not. In fact, what could end up happening is your DH having to pay even more since BM could count this as day care costs which generally aren't factored into CS. So, your DH would keep paying CS PLUS an additional amount that would go to her parents for their time to babysit on BM's watch. Doesn't matter that her reasoning for needing a sitter is because she is just going out and about. If the grandparents are at risk of losing access to their grandson, they're likely to lie in court in order to maintain contact (and if they hate your DH, they may do it just to spite him).