Communication

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I'm just curious the extent to which BD and BM communicate with one another in relation to raising the children.

DH and I stick to a policy of "our house, our rules, our business. BM house, BM rules, or lack thereof, but still BM business". Both DH and BM have access to the boys' school and can get as much or as little info as they want directly from the teachers.

Now on things such as getting enough sleep, doing homework, being safe, looking out for one another, and being presentable when going to school, DH takes the approach of letting the skids know how important these things are and we just hope enough of it sticks and they do some things on their own until they are old enough to take full responsibility.

That being said, we have never mentioned anything to BM about the way she does things and we initially thought we would get the same courtesy. Boy were we wrong!

BM has sent messages to through the kids about things we do here. And during the social study process we were constantly hit with "concerns" about how we manage our house.

Are we expected to give BM and full rundown on everything that takes place in our house?

BM claims to have concerns,

BM claims to have concerns, but they are always petty, misinformed or even completely made up.

Example:
BM told caseworker she feels we don't let skids see DH parents enough. She even went as far as to say *Thursdays* doesn't like MIL and so *Thursdays* prevents skids from spending time there.
The truth is that skids see DH parents 1-2 times per week for a few hours each time because they babysit skids when I am on call and DH does not get home before I have to leave.

BM issue with this is that BM uses her parents as half time (or more) baby sitters. As far as time spent with skids DH and I always joke that we have a 70/15/15 split between us, BM and her parents.

I guess I should add that prior to DH and I getting together, DH lived with his parents and skids (long story). I'm guessing skids stories stopped being about things done with DH parents and BM noticed.

Also, to say that I dont like MIL is absurd as we spend plenty of time talking to one another and we go out to eat and to different events together without DH or skids. BM would have no way of knowing anything about our relationship, so that she would speculate is laughable!

But that's all beside the point. Let's say that the skids don't EVER see DH parents, for whatever reason, seeing as how that would be DH decision to make, who is BM to expect DH to give her details on the goings on in our house?

I agree 100% with what you

I agree 100% with what you said. That's why I can't believe the caseworker would suggest we should be communicating details to ease BM concerns.

But I wanted to clarify about homework, safety and bedtime. Those are some concerns that DH has had when sending the skids to BM. Even though I believe DH would have been well within his rights to talk to BM about these things, he felt BM would "blow up" if he said anything, so he took the approach of working on the kids instead.

We've gotten the kids into a pretty good routine of keeping away from dangerous situations, knowing they should be headed for bed between 8:30 and 9 and doing their homework with little to no intervention needed on most days.

When they go to BM, they don't always go to bed by 9 and one or both returns to DH and I with mysterious scratches/bruises (as a result of cats, dogs and young boys left to horse around BM house). Thankfully, SS8 takes great pride in getting good grades, so he makes sure he and SS6 get their work done, with or without BM help.

^^^^^^^^ what AnaR said

Just text her what you wrote

Just text her what you wrote about your house, your rules, your business in a polite msg.

In my case...BF's ex wife

In my case...BF's ex wife would send him texts literally LESS than 5 minutes after skid got in the car after a visit with my BF. She would bitch and complain and say that if BF has a question/concern BF can ask her not skid and basically anything that was talked about during skid visit with BF would turn into him getting texts from BM telling him not to interrogate skid etc. Granted, it hasnt happened in awhile now but when it did that bitch got it right back IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!!!

I'm sure BM would have a problem and cause a stink about you knowing her life and business so why is it ok for her to know your business but not the other way around...it's NOT!!! We don't tell BM ANYTHING!!! What happens at BF's STAYS at BF's!!! We both know skid is a Mama's boy and when she asks/interrogates him he tells all! We know this because somehow she always gets his/our business and comes back with texts about it.

So bottom line...FUCK HER!!! Unless you/dh are doing something that is hurting or putting skids in danger in ANY way than she has no rights or say in what you say/do at YOUR HOUSE and when you have the skids. Seriously though....when she texts you/dh just IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!!! BF and I NEVER respond to BM texts unless they are skid related. PERIOD. And we NEVER answer BM calls either. If she has something to say she can leave it in a vmail and we will reply back to her if WE deem necessary. FUCK HER!!!!

Our original plan was to

Our original plan was to ignore at all costs, but caseworker wrote that in her report as DH "failure to effectively coparent because BM had concerns that DH was not addressing". Interestingly enough, a lot of BM concerns were things we had never heard about until the caseworker was interrogating us.

That is ALWAYS the case with

That is ALWAYS the case with these douche BM's....they act like MOTY and like DH is the "bad guy" who isn't co-parenting alongside BM so the BM does all in her power to make DH look bad.
What he needs to do is stress that she abuses that priviledge/right and implore the caseworker to enact a different method of communication so that you will not be harassed etc.

Like email only or a back and forth journal between the two parents...

My DH did not speak to BM

My DH did not speak to BM (besides written communication) for years. In fact, we had a No Contact order written into the CO. They were still able to get things accomplished.

Usually the BM will use "for the kids" card to coerce the dad into continuing communication with her. It is a control tactic and the dad does NOT have to fall for it, but many still do.

Whoa! An NO CONTACT Clause?!?

Whoa! An NO CONTACT Clause?!? How did you guys get that approved and where do I take DH to sign up?!?

Thursdays, We got it through

Thursdays, We got it through the courts/judge and it was part of my DH's court order. When I met DH, he had NO visitation order and was at the mercy of BM's whims. He got to see his kids at HER place when it was convenient for HER (i.e., when she needed a free babysitter).

We had a bulldog of a (slimy) lawyer who knew his stuff. He told us to always ask for more than you want so you can negotiate down to what you TRULY wanted. Because the court had the lawyers negotiate an agreement before it was brought to the judge for approval.

So, DH asked for the entire summer every year, knowing that BM would never go for that and got some good concessions that way.

In fact, the very last thing that BM was freaking out about WAS the No Contact order (I guess it was REALLY important for her to be allowed to call and scream at him whenever she felt like it). Her lawyer must have finally told her that she should take the deal WITH the NC order because it was a good one.

We also had it ordered that the skids be exchanged through a neutral third-party exchange center with each of the parents paying half the cost. This was because of us going to pick up the skids (with my son!) and BM waddling out onto her front lawn screaming and cussing at us. REAL classy for your neighbors to see. Poor skids were traumatized and didn't talk for about an hour. That was our catalyst for going No Contact and Third-Party Exchange. The judge ordered a "Parent's Journal" to go back and forth between them for whatever needed to be said. It would also be submitted to the courts, if necessary to make sure the communication was not harassing. Oh, and all that was was a paper notebook.

Oh, the judge looked over their negotiated agreement, said that DH was being very reasonable in what he had asked for because she would have ordered more if it were up to her. Then she gave BM a tongue lashing for how she was going about things (did my heart good although it never changed BM's behavior).

I see. Well thankfully, we

I see. Well thankfully, we don't get the extreme harassment that your DH was getting, so we probably wouldn't be able to make a case for that. I do like the Parent Journal idea though for situations where one or both parents can't communicate in person or on the phone.

Darn. LOL! I think I got too excited about this!!

the ex one time txt my dh for

the ex one time txt my dh for me to stop using whatever styling product on my sd hair becuase it was making it oily!!...."I txt back, what are you complaing about you dont even have time to make her a pony tail for school." take in mind my sd has very curly frizzy hair...

Bottom like...F*&k HER!!!! she needs to keep her nose out of your business..your home!!! if she don't like it...WELL TOO BAD!!!!

Oh GOSH! About 4 months ago,

Oh GOSH! About 4 months ago, after trying and trying and trying to stress to the kids that they have to put on lotion and put grease on their hair EVERY day, the skids came home one day and after DH gave them their lecture for the day, SS8 says "daddy, we don't have grease, or lotion or a brush at mommy's house, so that's why we can't ever do that". So we went down to the store, bought travel size lotion and grease and even a brush and put it all in SS8 backpack. Next day, DH gets a message about BM "not appreciating" that we would send those things to her house. And to this day, BM has not sent the stuff back, and she refuses to use it. Kids still go to school super ashy and their heads are always covered in dry patches.