New member - kids fight

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I have DS9, DD4mos - with DH -, SS12 and SD8 plus niece16.

My fatherinlaw was monitoring the kids outdoors. SD was breaking a rule and DS called her on it. Fatherinlaw told DS, "it's no big deal." DS was angry that SD was disobeying and that fatherinlaw was ok with it. He acted out and poked SD with a pen. SD ran inside crying and slammed her door. She's a big crier so I'm very familiar with her cries. But it was her I'm pissed cry, not I'm hurt cry. SD couldn't even point to where on her arm she was poked! SD made it clear that she was more upset over having to share the swing than being actually hurt. DS was made to appologize and was put on restrictions for the rest of the afternoon.
SD very happily went outside and hopped on the swing.

My dilema is that SD repeatedly does this. She'll run inside crying when she doesn't get her way. She's turning into a master manipulator! She never gets punished for this! DH can't get passed the fact that DS9 hurt SD8. When DS and SS get into scruffles, they get punished equally.

Your son was wrong for poking

Your son was wrong for poking SD. The fact that she wasn't really hurt doesn't matter.

When she runs away crying,

When she runs away crying, let her go. If she can't handle interacting with the other kids, maybe the best place for her is inside alone.

You can't punish her for a manipulation technique .. but you can stop reacting to it.

When this happened when I was

When this happened when I was a kid? Both were punished. One for doing, the other for tattling. We quickly learned to sort out our own problems.

I told my kids - unless someone is bleeding or on the ground unconscious? I don't want to hear about it. They, too, learned to deal with their issues themselves.

Kids do not need adults constantly refereeing.

Whenever SS does this

Whenever SS does this (running into his room crying), I announce loudly.

"And the Oscar goes to..."

Dw doesn't think I'm funny...

LOL...that is a good one.

^^^That's awesome! I can't

^^^That's awesome! I can't tell you how many times I was tempted to do something just as snarky when SD14 would pull her drama queen antics. DH ate it up at first and then got to the point (after being around my daughter who is only 6 mos older than SD and some of SD's friends and saw their maturity level) where he was annoyed with it and started ignoring her or reprimanding her.

I saw a picture on pinterest

I saw a picture on pinterest of a brother and sister that counldn't get along. So the mom took a BIG shirt and put them both in it the person on the right put their arm through the right arm hole and the person on the left put their arm through the left arm hole and made them wear it till they could be nice. I thought it was a good idea.

I also read once that children should be made to face the person they felt wronged them. So next time SD tells on DS you may take her back out side to him and have her tell him that she doesn't like him poking her and that it hurt her feeling. Then turn around and have him apologize to her in return. Do this every time they fight. Teach them that if they fight it between them that your not going to handle to maybe its best they do. Or pull out the BIG shirt.

Her kid is the one who poked

Her kid is the one who poked her .. whether it hurt her or not, he got upset and got physical, not SD.

If they don't lke how the

If they don't lke how the adult left in charge interprets the rules, they need to find someone else to watch the kids or watch themselves.

No one ever said SD was never held accountable for her actions. We don't even know what this other "rule" that she broke was .. the OP wasn't there to witness it, just heard her DS's version of the story.

Growing up in my house, we both would have been punished.

I agree 100%

I think that when any kid

I think that when any kid goes to the grandparents', "normal" rules get, um, overlooked. I know there have been several times when my mom has allowed my DS11 to stay up crazy late eating junk. But isn't that one of the joys of being a granparent? BUT it sounds like you weren't at your inlaw's house. I'm big on the "Your house, Your rules/My house, My rules". Has your DH spoken with you FIL about not undermining your "family rules"?

To me, it sounds like your punished your DS for his wrong doings and it sounds like you're ticked off that SD got off scott free. I agree with PPs idea of letting SD sulk and cry in her room and having her come to you when she's calmed down. Hopefully, you'll get lucky and SD will get over it once she's cried long enough.

Short of being a drama queen,

Short of being a drama queen, I'm not sure what SD did to deserve getting punished?

OP sounds irritated that her son poked SD, SD overreacted, and SD wasn't reprimanded for overreacting .. and that SD's father is upset that DS hurt her. But doesn't mention the punishment DS received.

^^^Exactly.

Since OP did jot state what

Since OP did jot state what "rule" SD broke, it leads me to assume that it was something very minor. That's kind of a key piece of information to leave out unless it was something g so small and insignificant that she just looks petty and knit picking.

There is absolutely no excuse for her son to resort to physically hurting someone because he is angry or frustrated with them. Whether he poked her hard or soft isn't the issue....he should not be putting his hands (or another object) on another person in anger ever.

Until we know what SD did as her breaking g a rule, we can't really say any more about what punishment she deserved or not. Fil obviously thought it wasn't a big deal.

It doesn't matter how hard he

It doesn't matter how hard he poked her.

Would you be OK with your SD lightly hitting one of your BDs because she didn't agree with your reaction
to a SK/BK spat?

Since OP did jot state what

Until we know what SD did as her breaking g a rule, we can't really say any more about what punishment she deserved or not. Fil obviously thought it wasn't a big deal.

Is your DS from a previous

Is your DS from a previous relationship, or is he your and DH's son?

1) SD didn't like having to

1) SD didn't like having to wait her turn on the swing. She frequently uses baby talk to try to get her way. DH and I are trying to break this cycle. As others have pointed out, not a major infraction, but still a rule.

2) DS WAS punished. In no way do I think physically hurting anyone is ok. DS did NOT get a "lighter" punishment just cause he didn't leave a mark. DS's actions were wrong. That message was clearly communicated to DS.

3) However, I still feel that SD needs to learn than her actions weren't ok either. I hate seeing her use baby talk, tears and pouting to get her way. She's very immature for her age and DH and I struggle to help her make friends her own age (at school or church). Her friends tend to be about 5 yrs old. My in laws frequently cater to her every whim, and as much as I would love to limit this indulgent behavior, that decison needs to be DH's.

Actually, by 9, the boy is

Actually, by 9, the boy is old enough to know that no one ever said life is fair...

SD should have hit him when

SD should have hit him when he poked her. Not all girls will run and cry from a physical altercation

Depending on who you're dealing with, a light poke will get you a hard punch.

I sure am. It you don't want

I sure am.

It you don't want others to hit you, don't put your hands(or pens) on others.

My daughter would have decked

My daughter would have decked him. I would have mentally high-fived her, but then punished both of them. Probably with one of my famous joint essays. My kids learned quickly that it was easier to get along than have to write an essay together.

I said I would do it

I said I would do it MENTALLY. And dang right I would be okay with my kid standing up to a bully. Which is how I see this - the boy didn't like how things played out, so he got physical. Not acceptable. If the girl hit him first? Different story - she'd be in the wrong. But whining? Does not warrant a physical response.

Yes, I am all for kids standing up for themselves. When my daughter was 4, there was a bully in her preschool. Pushing/hitting other kids, especially the girls. Nothing the school did helped. So I told my girl - you give him three warnings to stop when he pushes you around or hits you, or you will punch him in the nose. One day, I went to pick her up and was stopped by the director. Who told me that the boy pushed my daughter. She said "Stop that, or I will punch you in the nose." He pushed her again. She said a second time "Stop that, or I will punch you in the nose." Then he hit her. She said "Last warning - do it again, and I WILL punch you." He did it again. He got a bloody nose. And time out. My daughter got juice and a snack. He never touched another one of the kids as long as we were there. Yeah - I high fived her in my head.

He did not poke her with his

He did not poke her with his finger. That? I would have told her to get over it. Rather, he used something which could have injured her. Even if it didn't - it could have. Whole different level than whining.

She said mentally high

She said mentally high five.....MENTALLY.... not actually high five her. As in be proud that she stood up for herself. And that she would actually punish both kids.

How was the boy hurt?

Punished for what - babytalk?

Punished for what - babytalk? That's on the same level as getting physical? Not in my book.

I was always very clear with my two - you don't touch another person unless you are defending yourself. Period.

Not according to the current

Not according to the current caregiver. Again - life isn't "fair". Sonny would be wise to learn that.

Because I would handle it

Because I would handle it completely differently. "I don't understand babytalk" and ignore completely. Punishment? Silly for that, IMO.

And if the parents of these kids don't want FIL watching them, then they shouldn't. But if they put him in charge? Then he gets to decide how he does so. I always told my parents (AND my kids) when they watched my kids that they set the rules as they saw fit.

Who knows if FIL knew that

Who knows if FIL knew that babytalk is against the rules?

And honestly? I didn't sweat the "language". Most kids go through that phase. I just made sure they knew when it was not appropriate (i.e. in front of their grandparents.). I have a funny story about "language" and my son.

Meh. They went through the

Meh. They went through the phase, it ended. Whoop-dee.

When my son was younger, we were watching a ball game between our team and their 31 rival. A nasty play was made, and my son asked me if he could use "language". I told him to have at it. What he came out with? "... you... you... you... MATZOH BALL!" ROFLMAO.

And actually - poking with a

And actually - poking with a pen or pencil COULD injure someone.

My son was "poked" by a kid

My son was "poked" by a kid w/a mechanical pencil. Had little marks all down his leg from it. That got infected.

People are responding to the

People are responding to the comments that SD behaved worse than bs.... Which is just not true. Certain people have implied that be was justified in taking matters into his own hands because it was not fair.

As for punishing SD.... I would defer to the adult that was present. The adult that was present deemed that SD wasn't whining or baby talking enough to warrant a consiquence. A nine yr old might disagree, oh well. He's a child and grandfather is an adult. OP wasn't even there. If OP doesn't trust fil s judgment then she should have been out there to supervise the children herself.

How many time do we hear complaints on here about dhs that listen to their kids and their wives as equals and second guess the adult. Everyone agrees that its wrong. All kids get whiny at times, or do little things that they shouldn't.... No kid gets called on it and punished for every tiny infraction that its perfect behavior. Fil made the call on the field...end of story.

THIS DS isn't Keeper Of The

THIS

DS isn't Keeper Of The Rules

I think you are projecting

I think you are projecting your own feeling for your SD onto this situation. At no point did the op state that SD was being a snot and taunting bs. She mentioned nothing about giving attitude to bs and sticking her tongue out.

Can you honestly say that each and every time your kids do anything other than ideal perfect behavior, no matter how small, that you punish for it? Honestly? Kids are kids...sometimes they whine. Some times they pout. If it wasn't to then level that required actual punishment then there's no need for a grand inquisition. The only adult present was fil.... And if he is so unreliable then he shouldn't have been put in charge.

This is making a mountain out of a mole hill. If I got this involved in every stupid disagreement my skid have I'd have gone insane years ago. Whether SD whines or not has nothing to do with bs. He should have big noted it and worried about himself. Dh is the one that is responsible for making sure his daughter doesn't grow up to be a brat. If he doesn't care enough to enforce rules on her, then op needs to focus on her own children and keep SD away from them.

Don't project what you think

Don't project what you think your stepdaughter would do on another child.

WTH???

Where he crossed the line was

Where he crossed the line was using an object to poke with. IMO, anyway.

It sounds like OP's FIL took

It sounds like OP's FIL took the kids outdoors and that both OP and OP's DH were present. When OP's DS clued FIL that SD was breaking a rule, FIL should have deferred to the (step)parents. It sounds like the 1st time OP or her DH clued in to a problem was when SD ran in crying. I think the REAL issue is that OP is frustarated that she does the right thing by punishing her DS while her DH let's SD get away with everything.

According to the 1st part of your post, you have a new baby. Is the baytalk just a reaction to the new DD? How's she dealing with no longer being the youngest in your family?

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New member - kids fight