New Member - Beyond Frustrated and Lost
I have been dating BF for over a year. He has 10 yo daughter and is going through process of divorce. Our living situation is complicated, but he rents a room at a house but is at my house whenever he doesn't have his daughter. His daughter and I get along great and she is a great kid, but I am so sick of his EX and her lame immature crap and I don't know how to deal with it.
Last week, she called him and was yelling at him for 45 minutes about their daughter being sick. I told him after that, which I have told him MANY times, she does not need to call him unless it's an emergency and if this happens again, that I am done.
So last night, his daughter calls him up while we are in bed to say good night. She tells him that BM wants to speak with him and he asks if he can talk to her tomorrow, to which BM screams in the background, "Tell him to f*#& off then!!!" Daughter hangs up. BM calls back, screams at him that she just wanted to tell him about a Father's Day breakfast, screams more and hangs up. I ask him at this point, why couldn't she just text you with that?
So going back and forth with his daughter, who is now crying, calling him, hanging up, calling him back crying, etc. I tell him go out in the living room because I don't want to hear this. He goes out there to talk to BM for about 15 minutes. I am just livid, my heart is beating fast, thinking I am done, can't deal with this anymore, this is ridiculous because he doesn't know how to stand up to her and end the freaking conversation.
He comes back in after and asks me if I am mad at him. I just rolled over. Then he tells me that he hung up on her. Like that is supposed to make me happy? He should have hung up on her in the beginning of the conversation.
I am so sick of him whining to her and begging her instead of being a man and telling him to stop toturing their daughter, or better yet, not even dealing with her and letting her deal with it as a MOM. I know it's hard for him to hear his daughter crying like that, but I feel like that's a side affect of divorce, he has no control over what goes on at BM's house.
I have been reading books and looking online as the best way to deal with this crap, but I get conflicting information. I don't know if I should let him deal with it his way to keep the ex calm, or I should make him set boundaries with her. I don't think it's right for her to be calling up to discuss anything with him, if it's not an emergency, especially anytime after work. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
She is 10 years old.
She is 10 years old. Definitely Daddy's girl. We go to bed very early, as we wake up early. She called at 8:30. He likes to text or talk to his daughter at night to say goodnight. I am fine with that, but it's when the BM tells the daughter to call the dad and then put her on the phone.
I can tell my bf about the hours to call. But then does he tell his BM that? And what happens if she or the daughter calls after that? Does he determine if it's an emergency and if not hang up on her? I know he is not going to be okay with not talking to his daughter/ignoring her calls. And the BM gets upset if he tries to talk to his daughter while she is eating, doing her homework, whatever excuse.
I agree with you, she is a crappy parent and he agrees. She is a psycho.
You can try to have him set
You can try to have him set boundaries with the soon to be ex-wife but there's no guarantee that she will respect said boundaries anyway. She sounds very angry and given that the divorce isn't final yet, she's probably not in a place to be mature or grown up about co-parenting in general. Screaming profanity at your BF through the phone with the daughter present? She sounds loony! Even when things have settled down, these BMs march to their own tune regarding boundaries or such has been my own experience.
I just don't know what to do
I just don't know what to do to control my anger about it. I feel stuck. You are right bioandstep2009, she is very angry, and she is extremely immature. I just want to know what is the best way for me and my BF to handle it, without expecting her to change.
I would urge you to get your
I would urge you to get your BF to be very tough about boundaries. My DH was similarly not good at setting them when we were first together, but has got 80% better. Your BF should definitely not allow his ex wife to contaminate his nightly conversation with his daughter - just keep on saying, I'll talk to you xyz time, or put it in an email, then put the phone down. My DH is now very consistent about putting the phone down if BM speaks to him rudely or even raises her voice. Consequently, she has got much less abusive, and knows that if she wants something, she has to be polite. Your SD's BM may not respect the boundaries at first, but if BF is consistent, she will have to eventually. It takes work and perseverence but very firm boundaries can be effective.
I just wanted to thank
I just wanted to thank everyone for your advice, it is much appreciated and for allowing me to vent which is what I truly needed. I have no friends that understand my situation, so it is nice to have perspective from women that are in the same shoes as I am.