Need some help here..
First off, I would like to say that my girl and I are NOT married, but the subject has come up. She is my age, has three children. 22, 21, and 8 years old..Yeah. I know..big age gap..another story for another time. I have no children of my own. We currently do not live together. She has her own place which she shares with the 21 year old. The 22 year old is in California with his asshole dad.... 8 year old lives with a different dad, but we get him every other weekend. GREAt KID, and I really dig spending time with him. a lot...Anyway, we have been talking about getting a place together. She, myself, and a room for the 8 year old.. But the big problem is,.... Wait for it...Her 21 year old is the most LAZY, NON MOTIVATED, DIRTY NASTY, UNCLEAN person I have ever met. He will let dishes sit in the sink for 5 days and not see anything wrong with that. I could go on for days with regard to the nastiness of this kid... And...He is gay...And I am talking about the ultra sensitive super wimpy gay that if you look at him crosseyed, he starts to whimper...bottom line, I want to move forward with my gal, but the 21 year old has a major case of "I am too afraid to be alone" and has major failure to launch issues.. And she does all of his laundry, all of his cleaning, does his bathroom, all of his dishes, folds all of his clothes, etc...you get the point. And I am at the point where I resent and hate the kid..NOT because he is gay, but because he is LAZY, DIRTY, and the most non motivated kid I have ever seen. If she wont get him to launch so we can get a place together, do I walk?? I wont even go into the REST of her family... Another time... do I stay, or do I go, and cut my losses...43, male, no kids of my own...
That is the problem. I have
That is the problem. I have never tried to run him off, but I am getting really tired of her telling me each 8 months that, "he will probably be ok to move out on his own" and then it does not happen. Tired of the proverbial gold plated carrot that keeps getting dangled in front of my face.... I will never give her an ultimatum or ask her to choose he or I, but this situation is getting really old.. I have no kids of my own, but I get tired of hearing" you dont have your own kids so you dont understand"...
That is what i am worried
That is what i am worried about....I guess what pisses me off, is I realize if she really wanted a life with me, she would get the ginger to launch.. But there is NO WAY In HELL I will live in a house with a dirty, nasty, crab contracting, lazy 21 year old...I am 43 years old, in great shape, and at this point, it is not knowing what I want, but what I do NOT want..
He works, and she has already
He works, and she has already told him twice he needs to look for his own place, yet when the lease expires, he hits her with the "I'm afraid to be alone" shit, and she caves. She does EVERYTHING for him. He is a video game ginger kid who spends 13-15 hours a day on the video game thing. He has NO social skills WHATSOEVER, and is a pathetic worker..Anyway, I dont want to lump all of this on you..Thank you so much for the replies.... Good luck with your issue. DO NOT let your BF's little bastards run the show, and in MY opinion, one reason he bags on your kids, is he is embarrassed about how fucked up his kids are (excuse the french)..
Definitely do not get a place
Definitely do not get a place together until the 21 year old is on his own and stays that way, with the agreement he cannot move back in (although I don't see her sticking to that).
She knows damn well he is is not ok to move out on his own and it doesn't sound like she is in a hurry to get him launched, seeing how she babies him so.
Sorry, but it doesn't look good for you.
do any of you think I should
do any of you think I should feel bad for truly HATING this Ginger kid? He is the ONLY thing standing between myself, and a great relationship with a woman I am in love with...And I do NOT buy into the "if you really loved her, you would put up with everything that comes with her"...
THIS. Yeah - I get it - you
THIS.
Yeah - I get it - you don't like the 21 year old. But SHE allowed him to become so needy. (FYI - being gay doesn't make someone needy...)
She has an 8 year old. um - do you think that in 10 years you'll have the EXACT.SAME.PROBLEM???
Move on.
without reading replies. I
without reading replies.
I would tell her she needs to get him launched before moving forward. and set a goal line...if the launch is failed......leave
Right now when you want
Right now when you want peace, quiet, and cleanliness, you can have that at your place. If you want time alone with your gf, you can have that at your place. You move in together, and you lose it. And I'm especially with you on the cleanliness issue! I HATE non-
handwashers!!
I would absolutely NOT get a place where the adult child lives, BUT even if mom is able to cut the cord, what happens when adult child gets on his own and 2 months later he's moved into the 8 year old's room under your roof?
Why should adult child leave? Mom does everything for his under-achieving ass!!!
Whatever you do, please don't
Whatever you do, please don't get a place until he's gone. DH wanted me to move in w/him and SD (25 at the time) after we got married. I was against it. I cancelled the wedding because of it, and then in the end against my better judgement I did it. The plan was SD would live with us until she finished college, then she'd get a job and get her own place. What DH didn't tell me was SD was attached to his nuts, was lazy, had no chores, paid a pittance for rent, and kept her bedroom like a frat house. She did every mean spirited and evil thing in her power to get me out. She had the gall to tell me she thought I was trying to come between her and her daddy.
Before she got her job DH didn't want to give her a move out day because he didn't want her to feel like he was kicking her out. After she started working he still didn't want to give her a move out date because he wanted her to save her money. Bottom line is DH didn't want her to move out. Flash forward to today, SD moved out after three years because I made things difficult for her and made it clear that I did not want her here. So at this point, we have no relationship.
So the outcome of this trainwreck is that I don't have a stepdaughter and have a lost a ton of respect for my husband for his coddling and fawning over her and treating her like a princess and kissing her behind every chance he got.
The real issue here isn't your girlfriend's son. . .it your girlfriend's enabling him. She'll always make excuses for him to stay in the nest. And if you put your foot down, you'll be the bad guy . . like I was. Only you can decide if it's worth it. Good luck.
Shannon61....thank you, thank
Shannon61....thank you, thank you, thank you. You simply have put into words my problem. I just signed up for this account today, and because of your post, I now know what my true issue is. I've thought all along my intense anger was toward my stepson and stepdaughter, for their continuous lying and disrespect....But the reality is, I'm really angry with my DH. I have lost respect for him for exactly the same reasons you stated.
"So the outcome of this trainwreck is that I don't have a stepdaughter and have a lost a ton of respect for my husband for his coddling and fawning over her and treating her like a princess and kissing her behind every chance he got."
My DH is the most wonderful person I know, but his children are pathological liars...as is his exwife. Maybe it's in the genes! He tries his best to maintain some relationship with them both, but they never miss an opportunity to disappoint him. They lie to him about everything, and he believes them....I'm not all that smart, but after someone has lied to you a million times, I find it hard to believe them, but he will every time. Sometimes, even over me...until I can prove my integrity...which really makes them angry.
Anyway, I realize now the anger I'm feeling is toward him, not them. For them, I' feel sorry!
Run Spot, Run. This is never
Run Spot, Run. This is never going to change. Until she's ready and able to put this grown man out on his ear, to fend for himself, and grow up, you'll have issues.