Are they still related?
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We went to a funeral for my DH's first wife's mother. Uncomfortable for me and especially when someone read the surviving next of kin and listed MY husband as the deceased woman's "son-in-law".
I don't think he technically is related to them at all anymore since DH's first wife passed away before her mother.
Am I wrong to feel upset about this? My husband is MY mother's son-in-law now. The first wife's siblings won't let my DH go.
Why in the world did you go
Why in the world did you go to that funeral?
I can understand it making you uneasy, but you can't control how others think. Nobody owns your DH.
It's kind of how I look at my feelings for my DH's kids. I love them dearly. I love them as much as I can imagine loving children. They don't love me like a mother the way I love them like my children. In my eyes they are my family. In their eyes I am not theirs.
I'm entitled to my feelings. They are entitled to theirs.
Don't spend your time worrying about what these other people think.
DH asked me to go with him.
DH asked me to go with him. I wanted to be there for him and especially since it was a two hour drive away, he wouldn't have to be alone.
It just struck me as odd and made me uncomfortable. It's the siblings that composed it.
DH told his former in-laws that when he married me, he wouldn't be seeing them anymore because he can't expect his new wife to socialize with his first wife's family. I was so glad he made that clear. A funeral is one thing but now we are starting to get invitations for the birthday parties of his first wife's siblings. I know DH won't go without me, and I don't feel like I should be obligated to keep up contact with them either.
He said that he wouldn't be
He said that he wouldn't be seeing them anymore but then opted to attend this funeral & socialize with them again. It sounds like it isn't just the exW's siblings who are still feeling a friendly relationship.
If your DH didn't feel some sort of bond with these people, why would he attend the funeral?
Either way, your DH isn't something to own. Is there harm in letting these people accept your DH as part of their group? Their feelings don't change your feelings or your DH's feelings.
I wouldn't let it get to you. If your DH doesn't want to be around them, he isn't obligated to be. If he chooses to be, then the issue is with him, not them.
The deceased had so many
The deceased had so many blood relatives that didn't even get named such as grandchildren and great-grandchildren, why even list a former son-in-law? My DH was as surprised as I was to hear that.
I just thought it wasn't proper etiquette once the person has remarried, is all.
If you think of this poor
If you think of this poor woman who lost her daughter and the memory she holds of her daughter, all she may have had left was that of her son in law.
Does that even make sense?
Even though DH may have separated himself from his first wife's family after his first wife's death, that doesn't mean that the family has "let him go."
Be thankful that your DH is someone that is loved.
Given that the poor woman and
Given that the poor woman and her daughter don't even exist on this earth anymore and are into eternity where they couldn't care less, the question I have is why was it necessary to embarrass me?
He is a lovable guy, I have to say.
I've seen your posts before,
I've seen your posts before, and yes you are out of line.
I was not trying to upstage anyone or make it about me, but only to post a perfectly logical question that when writing an obituary, the legal status may have changed and should have been stated correctly. It has nothing to do with a deceased persons feelings.
I was not there making any
I was not there making any type of scene and I did not verbalize this question to anyone other than anonymous posters on this site. This is a venting site, is it not? I'm rarely here, so yes, I am enjoying my charmed life.
I just wondered if anyone had a better suggestion on how it might have been written. To avoid confusion, if nothing else.
Thank you. Someone
Thank you. Someone understands how I feel.
Just to be clear...DH married his first wife when he was in his early 20s and was happily married to her for 30 yrs. until her death two years ago. She had a large close-knit family of several siblings which went on vacations together and socialized often. I'm sure the siblings are sad that he no longer joins in their holiday parties and they've made overtures now to start including his new wife (me). We don't want to be included though. It would be too strange.
While it was interesting for me to meet the first wife's siblings, and several of them actually came over and gave me a hug and introduced themselves at the funeral, it had to be hard for them too. I'm the reality that their sister is gone. But at the end of the day, when it was time to go home, they must have also had some healing closure, that DH has found love again and seeing us walk away holding each other, happy for him that he is no longer alone.
Wrong. He ceased being the
Wrong. He ceased being the son in law upon his wife.s. Death. Till death do they part. I guess the first family forgot. Duh.
Of course! If there was a
Of course! If there was a divorce, but there wasn't. I was only referring to this poster's situation.
To the person that said we
To the person that said we should have just sent a card. I totally agree!
And I'm going to take that advice with this next invitation, a birthday party for the first wife's nephew (who is an adult). They told us to "save the date" and the party is 4 months away! I have no intention of going.
As far as that funeral, I'm pretty sure DH's daughter insisted he attend, she was keeping him appraised of the schedule several times a day via e-mail. She was one of 22 grandchildren. Plenty of other relatives to console her.
I've made a point to include DH's children and grandchildren in everything I host but they don't seem to get it that their extended family, is no longer DH's extended family.
Funny.
Funny.
My cousin died and I still
My cousin died and I still consider his wife my cousin. I'd welcome her new spouse if she remarries.
I've mentioned before that BM did not tell DH of their son's death (36) and held the funeral without him in another state. I finally found a copy of the obituary and DH was listed as the father. I thought that was strange. Acknowledge him as the father but do not let him know about the funeral. It made it look to everyone as if DH just didn't care to show up.
Wow, that just goes beyond a
Wow, that just goes beyond a faux pas and is downright heartless to not even tell him.
I can understand your ill
I can understand your ill feelings about it, but frankly, it's done and over with so you're best to just let it go. Life's too short to dwell on such things, isn't it?
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I did a little research on my own on how to write an obituary, (and since all of us will be facing death & taxes, my inquiring mind does want to know).
My own mother is up in years. Should she (just because she's fond of him) list my first husband as her son-in-law even though he has been remarried for 12 years now and I am also remarried? Good grief no. Publicly not acknowledging that he has remarried would be an insult to first husband's new wife, and my husband, and an embarassment to me and to our children. An obituary is a public posting in a newspaper and on-line and also read to guests at the funeral. What confusion that would cause!
DH's former relatives knew full well that he got remarried. They saw our wedding pictures on SD's facebook page.
I will say it again, their obit was in poor taste.
Am I going to lose any sleep over it? No, and I'm sorry if my drama pales in comparison to other posters and for anyone that has ever lost a loved one, you have my condolences.
As we were leaving the
As we were leaving the funeral that day, one of DH's first wife's brothers followed us out to the car and said to DH, "you will always be family".
Sounds like the godfather....you cannot leave the family!
All kidding aside, I'm perfectly fine with him expressing his affection, but feelings of the living (the people reading it) do need to be taken into consideration when writing an obituary, because legally DH is no longer related to them. He is an ex just as if a divorce had happened. No difference.
I'm not trying to wipe out the good memories they have, I just want them to accept that I am his wife now, and as a previous poster said so well, the former relatives need to back off now.
Hugs. Thank you Wow.
Hugs. Thank you Wow.
The only thing to consider is
The only thing to consider is his nieces and nephew relationships. I don't think of my DHs nephews as his, they are mine too and have been since birth and a few since we married. As a matter of fact I get confused trying to remember which niece or nephew belongs to who there are so many of them and a lot are married. Your DH might be connected similarly. I wouldn't drop mine if something happened to DH or to our relationship I have grandnieces and nephews too :). I like them all much more than my SKIDS, even the ones that were older when I met DH. Wives and husbands all call me Aunt 20 plus.
To be treated as friends of
To be treated as friends of the family, which is the reality. We sat in the friend section, not the family section, by DH's choice.
When they read DH's name as next of kin, he immediately looked at me apologetically and whispered "I didn't know they were going to do that". It made him uncomfortable too.
I wish I had not gone but
I wish I had not gone but like I said, DH asked me to go. Since it was two hours out of town he also wanted to show me some antique shops that he thought I might like to see in that little town.
Funny you should mention about being joined at the hip. I consider that a good thing :). We do have a lot in common, in fact we both are a twin. I have a twin sister and he has a twin brother, so we've always had a close relationship growing up and that seems normal to us.
We are a match made in heaven.
Well that was T M I and
Well that was T M I and totally off the topic of obituaries. You're making an awful lot of assumptions about someone that's a complete stranger.
BTW, DH says how much he is looking forward to retirement 10 yrs. from now when he can spend even more time together as a couple.
May the bluebird of happiness
May the bluebird of happiness drop a goose egg on your lawn this Easter.
A faux pas is a socially
A faux pas is a socially awkward or tactless act, especially one that violates accepted social norms, standard customs, or the rules of etiquette. (wikipedia)
From my research on the
From my research on the topic, experts advise that it is "uncommon" to list a former spouse or former in-laws as a survivor in an obituary.
That is so disrespectful. Who
That is so disrespectful. Who arranged for his name to be included in this? Was it BM. I'm sorry but she deserves to be called out for that if so. That is disgraceful.
I'm sorry I misread. So the
I'm sorry I misread. So the ex wife has passed? And they never actually divorced, he was widowed? In that case, this could be normal. I still would not stand for it. Who cares if it is normal, if it bothers you, it bothers you and you are the priority now.
He is an ex just as if a
He is an ex just as if a divorce had happened. No difference.
Interesting. Not true at all, but interesting that you think that.
Death (or divorce) legally
Death (or divorce) legally ends the marriage. If someone wants to dispute that fact, I don't know what else I can say to them.
Not disputing that death ends
Not disputing that death ends the marriage (obviously, it does) but it is quite different than a divorce in other aspects. That's all I meant, as I read your statement to imply that they are the same, period, not just legally. Sorry if I misunderstood what you meant.
I suppose they could have said, "former" son-in-law. They probably included him because he and his first wife had been married so long, and she has only been gone such a short time.
I am sorry you were uncomfortable but I don't think they did it to purposely embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable. At least, I would hope not.
Careless is when they forget
Careless is when they forget to dot their I's. They purposely chose to ignore that DH has remarried.
Careless is putting it generously. It's not the first time I've felt their possessiveness.
I do agree with you that it is not about numbers, but the current legal status.
He should have been left off
He should have been left off their surviving next of kin list entirely. I question whether it's a good idea to even mention the children's current spouses. Strangers are reading that newspaper. Some people elect to not even write an obituary at all due to strangers reading it with the possibility of break-ins.
I know when my dad died, his three daughters were listed as survivors and two of them had husbands and one did not. Why publish that? It's not necessary, and very possibly embarrassing.
In this case, the deceased still had six living children, 22 grandchildren (which did not get named at all) and many great-grandchildren.
It was awkward the way it was written.
I have the same problem. BM's
I have the same problem. BM's family still seem to think they have a "claim" on my husband. It was a lot worse when we first married. He does woodworking, and they were still asking him to build them stuff (for free, mind you). They asked him to look at their cars. Not long before we met, BM got herself beat up by a boyfriend, and BM's WHOLE family called and called my husband to try to get him to retaliate against the boyfriend. (I guess good rednecks are hard to come by.)
So yeah....I see your point-of-view. My husband jokingly said if he was ever thrown in jail, he would have to call his ex-MIL because that's the only number he had memorized because it's easy. I told him he better memorize mine. He said he'd have her call me. I told him he'd rot in jail if he ever had his ex-MIL call me. He got the point.
BM has had multiple live-in boyfriends since my DH. Why won't they let him go? It's ridiculous.
Thanks for the laugh.
Thanks for the laugh.
Oh no, we got another
Oh no, we got another invitation! This time it's to the annual family reunion picnic hosted by first wife's siblings . Do they really expect me to step into the role of their sister that passed and attend these events? I feel myself hyperventilating just thinking about it.
It's been suggested on this thread that I should tell my DH to go alone to these events, while I stay home. Good grief. We are a married couple and attending (or not attending) weddings, funerals and other public events together is not smothering each other, quite the contrary, it is a sign of a healthy marriage and a unified front.
My previous husband had problems detaching from his birth family which played a major role in our divorce. It came to a head when ex-DH was over playing on his ATV at his sister's house across town while I was alone when a hurricane hit, knocking over huge trees and power lines. ExDH was nowhere to be found. When he finally meandered home at a quarter to midnight, I told him to go back to wherever it is he came from.
That drifting apart is not going to happen in this marriage.
Try THIS: "This is John and
Try THIS: "This is John and Jane Doe and their children Matthew & Emily." Introduce them by their NAME. If more clarification is asked for (which I doubt) they could then say, "John was married to our daughter before she passed."
You know that, and I know
You know that, and I know that. The problem is the "former" in-laws choke on that word and are unable to give up claim to their prior status in DH's life.
I do indeed. The Good Lord
I do indeed. The Good Lord took mercy on me when He gave me DH.
I think venting your feelings
I think venting your feelings on this site, and maybe just maybe find some compassion, is exactly what you need to help you move on.
Sometimes I have feelings that may not be 100% pc, but when I vent them here and get some kind comments, I find it much easier to move on. You did the right thing by coming here.
Thank you. I do appreciate
Thank you. I do appreciate the comradery of the other second wives on this site.
You're right, Anna, I should
You're right, Anna, I should have just said straight up her feelings are valid.
My family has an annual
My family has an annual reunion picnic and everyone is welcome. Probably have 50 or more people in a public area - potluck.
My cousin died and his wife still comes. I wouldn't think twice if she showed up with a new hubby - would be thrilled for her and happy to meet him. After about 35 years of marriage I consider her totally a cousin not a cousin in law. None of my family would ever humilate a new spouse by making references to a previous spouse dead or not.
Another cousin's ex wife's grown daughter comes to our family events. She prefers her SF (although she was grown when he and her mother married) to her mom's holidays.
The difference is that you
The difference is that you and I have normal family members who would never treat anyone badly on purpose. Some of the ex-ILs (not necesarrily OP's) just live to be cruel.
My family is very welcoming and considerate of others' feelings. Sounds like yours are too.
I agree with you Step. DH was
I agree with you Step. DH was married for 28 years prior to BM's death. We still see her sisters, sometimes on Thanksgiving and an occasional Christmas visit. It took me awhile to realize that they were "family" a long time prior to our dating and that they are his children's aunts. I've gotten used to it and don't have a problem with it. Actually, I get along better with them than I do SD. LOL
My former MIL called yesterday to thank us (DH and me) for her birthday flowers. She also told me that I was a wonderful mother and did a great job raising my children (I was married to her son for over 30 years). She also told me that she loved me. When my former FIL passed away recently, DH and I attended the viewing and the service. We were there not only to support my children but my former MIL and family members I had known for over 30 years. I divorced their son, not them.
Did they list you as their
Did they list you as their daughter-in-law in the obituary? (I just had to ask).
Honestly, I don't know. I
Honestly, I don't know. I didn't read the obit but I would assume not as I'm certain my ex would have written it.
A death of a spouse is difficult for everyone involved and extremely difficult for the second spouse especially when the widow/widower had a decent marriage. Even when the marriage was not the best, often the deceased is lifted to a higher level after death and many of the unpleasant times are forgotten.
When my husband and I are introduced by his deceased wife's family they call him their brother-in-law and I am his wife. I have no problem with that, as I said they were family for almost 30 years. They also enjoy that he is happy again and wish us well. It may seem odd, but they were invited to our wedding and attended. I consider them friends and extended family.
I used to be bothered by similar things before we were married but then I realized that the death of a spouse is not the same as a divorce. Yes, the marriage ends in both cases but a divorce is something that one or both parties choose and a death is not.
I wish you well.
Thank you, that's interesting
Thank you, that's interesting how you handled it.
I wouldn't think to invite the first wife's siblings to my wedding. We had 25 of our closest family and didn't even include our nieces and nephews, much less former in-laws. They did jokingly tell DH that if they weren't invited they were going to stand outside the church, lol.
He was a wonderful and faithful husband to their sister, standing by her through many trials with her health. I feel for them really.
I just think, at this stage in DH's life, he needs to be allowed to move on and not be constantly reminded of the sadness surrounding his first wife's family. I know I don't want to be reminded of it.
"if he and his wife are
"if he and his wife are uncomfortable they could send a card and politely decline. They are not obligated to attend. No one should judge them for not attending."
Thank you stepdown....we totally agree!
I know the ex-in laws are just thinking about their own desire to see DH, but in all reality they can't expect me to attend these events as if I belonged with their family. Sit there in discomfort for hours while they reminisce.
With six siblings and all their children and grandchildren, I don't think they will miss us too much!
So far, I've only attended
So far, I've only attended two funerals to allow DH to pay his final respects. After that, we got two more invitations to parties which we haven't agreed to go to yet. They always send the flyer to DH's e-mail address and then DH forwards it to me with an FYI. I'm feeling the pressure to attend, but DH does seem to be leaving it up to me.
Your dh was her son for 30
Your dh was her son for 30 years. Their brother and cousin and friend. Her daughter passed two years prior and she still loved her son (in law)
If my daughter passes in 30 years and her husband remarries, I hope he will still consider me mom and honor me with his presence at my funerAl, with or without a new spouse. It sounds like her family showed you nothing but kindness and acceptance.
As someone who got royally ripped for omitting a grandchilds spouse in my fil obit, (he who didn't bother to attend, and who fil didn't take kindly to anyway) my opinion is give them a break and move on.
DH was never their son,
DH was never their son, brother or cousin. And, he is no longer their in-law of any kind. Therefore, he should have been left off entirely.
In your case, I don't think I've ever seen the spouses of grandchildren listed in an obit either.