Should I go to Sd's Wedding??
I'm new here and have a sticky situation. I have been married to DH for 17 years. He married his high school sweetheart when he was 17 because she was pregnant. They had another daughter several years later. They are now 29 and 24. We have no chidren of our own. Due to a number of circumstances, I have never met either daughter. We lived very far away from them and DH has a terrible relationship with his ex, so he was never very involved with DDs growing up (they spearated when the youngest was an infant and DH was working overseas). Ex did things like steal from my in-laws and opened up credit cards in DH's name without his knowledge and then stuck him with the bill. To add another twist to the tale, DH doesn't believe youngest daughter is his. DH's boss was living with them at the time she was conceived (he was going through a divorce himself) and ex admits to having an affair with him. After DH and ex split, she ran off across the country with boss and they eventually married and are together to this day. To make matters worse, this guy was actually convicted of sexually abusing his own bio daughters, did time, and is a registered sex offender. DH was so uninvolved, we didn't know about this until later. Ex and new hubby abandoned younger daughter at age 16 allegedly so they could move away for him to work. DH and oldest daughter have reconnected over the last couple of years and he even went to visit her for a short time last year. Things actually went well between them and they have remained in touch. I did not participate in that visit as they had not seen each other since she was 10 and I did not want to interfere, and there was a good chance that things would not go well. SD has a serious boyfriend who proposed last weekend. Of course, no sooner do we get this news than ex crawls out of the woodwork ane emails my DH demanding money for the wedding and blaming DH for the fact that they have lived in poverty all these years (no matter that she's been remarried to that pervert almost the whole time!). The wedding is supposed to happen next year. Ex claims they will try to keep costs down, but I am afraid we will end up footing the bill for the entire thing. DH is probably going to visit to meet the fiance before the wedding, but I don't know if I am going to be included in that or not. DH wants to me accompany him to the wedding, and I told him I want to meet SD first before I will even consider it. Frankly, I am terrified of meeting SD and want no part of this circus or anyone associated with it, especially after all that went down with ex and her husband. I am looking for advice/insight on this. I feel that I am in a no win situation here. Either SD will be pissed that I'm there (she threw a fit when Dad remarried) or DH will be hurt I'm not there. Sorry this is so long. Thanks!
Thanks for that. Yeah, we've
Thanks for that. Yeah, we've already discussed it. It's not really SD that's asking for $, it's the ex. I told him I want any money to go to SD or directly to vendors, NOT the ex. SD would never see it if we gave ex the money. DH has asked ex for a budget and told her they would talk about it. The whole thing just strikes me as a big money grab and I feel like DH will fall for it because he feels guilty.
I agree with you, but I
I agree with you, but I refuse to just go as DH's "guest" if she doesn't want me there. I feel like it's not up to him, it's up to her - it's her day. I really have no desire to ruin it for her. As far as going to see her before the wedding, my DH discussed going to meet her fiance, but did not mention me at all (I was in the room when they talked). Neither one of them brought it up. If I do go and it goes badly, then I absolutely won't go to the wedding. Better to have things blow up then rather than ruin the day.
I agree with you. I will add
I agree with you. I will add that I, as a sd, feel that if I was going to ask anyone to help me foot the bill for my wedding, whether they be my dad or the stranger on the street, and they did help me out financially with it, I'd get their so/spouse a seat next to them. Even if I didn't know said so/spouse at all.
He should tell BM Once that
He should tell BM Once that if his daughter wants his financial support for her wedding, he and his daughter can have that conversation. She is an adult, BM and DH have no reason to speak to each other about this. After this single communication, he needs to not take her calls and hang up on her at once if she calls from a different number or something.
As for attendance, totally up to you. Do you want to go? Has anything been said about you going either by your DH or by the bride? Has she indicated to DH that you will be unwelcome? I know you say you don't want to go just as DH's guest, but he's virtually a stranger to her himself. One meeting between the two of you isn't going to create an instant family bond - she will likely still see you as DH's guest. So figure out what You are comfortable with and stick to it.
Wicked, I think you should do
Wicked,
I think you should do what feels right to you. Don't go if you don't want to. Go if you do. But don't let others try to force you into doing one or the other.
I think you should go with
I think you should go with your instincts. What feels right to you?
As far as meeting before the wedding, nah, not necessary really. DH hardly has a relationship and what would be the point.
Meeting before the wedding might not go over as well and cause tension if you decide to go.