This is long, your advice is very much appreciated...
I need some advice in regards to an issue w/ FMIL... If you're familar with my posts, you know that I've had some issues with a very overbearning intrusive FMIL. FDH and I sat down with her mid Feb and since then she has backed off A LOT. Instead of demanding things, like telling us, not asking us to come over, or for favors etc, she will ask politely now.. You can still hear in her voice how she gets angry when we decline when we have other plans/unable to do a favor but it's not like before where she'd just start raging out. it's been good. The ONLY thing that really sucks is that she has refused to stop communicating/helping BM. At that meeting FDH asked her to stop the communication with BM but she flat out told him he she can talk to whoever she wants and if she wants to see Fss during the week she'll go directly thru BM. It's very irritating for her to have that attitude but this is part of the reason I have chosen to still have nothing to do with FMIL. To be quite honest I could really give two craps what FMIL is doing in her free but she keeps asking me why I dont go over or call her anymore how I used to but I just cannot bring myself to be ultra friendly with someone who is buddy buddy with BM.
A little Back story is FMIL and I actually used to be really cool with eachother, we would hang out and chat frequently. The turning point in our relationship ship was when FDH and I bought our home. FMIL became a little distant and started acting weird, it seemed like she was jealous and territorial, like I was taking FDH and Fss away from her. I just chalked it up to her being sad that FDH and Fss were moving out of her house and she didn't dictate everything anymore. We were still hungout/chatted often, i just ignored the little comments she would make in regards to FDH and FSS. Well the nail in the coffin to our relationship was when FDH eliminated communication with BM via phone. FDH advised BM that all communication is to be via text/email and phone calls are for emergencies only. That's when BM started trying to be buddy buddy with FMIL. BM called FMIL and asked her to "talk" with my FDH about his decsion... instead of FMIL advising BM, who she never got along with, that she was FDH's mother and she didn't want to get involved-she started egging her on. When this phone call occurred I was AT FMIL'S HOUSE... I was shocked that FMIL even took this phone call in front of me but also pretty much bashed my FDH all while I was sitting across from her. She told BM that she was right and that FDH was being irrational to expect Bm to communicate with him on text/email. She started saying that to BM that she should be to call FDH anytime she wants and FDH should talk to her anytime because they have a child together. She also told BM that she wasn't on ANYONE'S SIDE (in my opinion, unless her son is a loser deadbeat dad she SHOULD be on her sons side... not that there was even a side to be on as this wasn't even that huge of an issue as all FDH was simply placing boundaries with a BM that had none.) FMIL then went on to verbally soothe BM on the phone telling her that it would be okay and she didn't need to worry because FMIL was going to talk to FDH and MAKE him understand that he needs to talk to BM whenever BM feels it necessary and that FDH would listen because FMIL is the only person FDH listens to. I was furious to say the least and when I left her house I pretty much eliminated all contact with her and haven't really had anything to do with her since. This all was very hurtful because at that point we were close But once BM started reaching out to her that changed. It's almost like BM could see that she was losing all leverage she had on FDH because we were getting serious and he stopped feeding into her manipulation for money/control and so she set her sights on FMIL and FMIL ate it up. The ONLY reason I think this is because before FDH and I moved into our home and before BM and FMIL suddenly became Bff's, FMIL would sit and talk Sh*t about BM all the time, she even stated a few times that she hated her. It got to a point where I'd have to change the subject becuase I didn't want to even talk about it anymore. We all know BM is a crappy mom, no reason to harp on it because nothing is going to change.
I guess what I'm asking advice on is what to do. Ever since the convo FDH and I had w/ FMIL where we talked to her about her being intrusive and overbearing, she thinks we're all good on every level so everytime I see her she asks, "why don't you call me anymore? we should work out, we should do something." and I dont know what to say... I would like to be close with her again but i just have a hard time bringing myself to be friends with someone who is buddy buddy with BM against my FDH's wishes. In all honesty I could care less who FMIL talks to/hangs out with, that's none of my business but I find it hard to be friendly with someone who is so close to BM. I wouldn't mind if BM was a normal rational adult and we got along BUT that's not so. I wish it was that way, i wish I dealt with a BM who is like some of you BMs out there that was awesome with the stepmoms in your lives.
So what do you guys think? Am I being childish by not allowing myself to be friendly with FMIL? Don't get me wrong, I'm always VERY polite however I dont call her anymore to chat nor do I go over to visit unless it's with FDH and we have to. I've pretty much eliminated all contact with her apart from family gatherings etc. Do you think I'm justified to be weary of FMIL because of the inappropriate relationship she has with BM even though FDH has asked her to eliminate contact? I just feel like I shouldn't have anyone in my cirlce that is close with such a toxic person(BM). Should I keep blowing her off politely like i've been doing so? Should I just get over it and hang out with her? what to do, what to do...
Thank you for reading all of this, if you did. I know a lot of you have dealt with this so I know you know how I'm feeling. Thanks again, I love you guys!!!
I think you are doing the
I think you are doing the right thing. You have evolved to a polite, civil relationship with your FMIL. She is not a person that you want to be close friends with. Not because she is still talking to BM but because deep down you know she is not a person that can be trusted.
Even if she agreed not to talk to BM I still would now allow someone like her in my inner circle. She does not have your back. Forgive her but do not trust her.
Just be politely "oh so busy". Don't feel guilty about it. As long as you are polite and not unkind you are doing all you have to.
She's made her choices to keep BM in her life. I would not ever mention it again. But I also would not see her any more than absolutely necessary. She stabbed you and DH in the back. Either she knows it and doesn't care or she is too stupid to even realize it. Doesn't matter. Not someone you want for a bestie.
Thank you so much oldone for
Thank you so much oldone for your insight, you always have great advice to give.
I honestly do feel like FMIL cannot be trusted. When I do see her for "have to" events I feel like I have to be on my toes and watch what I say because she is a gossip and I honestly believe she talks w/ BM about our lives and although we have nothing to hide I do not want BM to know anything that is going on with us.
I honestly don't understand her logic on being friends with BM. I can't figure out if she's too stupid to realize how inappropriate it is or if she just doesn't care.
I feel like I want to be friendly w/ FMIL for my fiance's sake but I am someone that strongly believes in loyalty and it baffles me that she could blatantly disregard her son's wishes. I don't ever associate with people like this and although I want the best for my FDH I don't want to compromise my beliefs by associated with someone like her.
Thanks again Oldone for your thoughts
I think as long as you are
I think as long as you are not being rude to her, you are doing nothing wrong.
My MIL and SIL are both really buddy-buddy with BM (DH has talked to them both about it but it has made no difference). They talk on the phone regularly; MIL sees SD on BM's weeks (she even babysits for her); MIL and SIL even went to visit BM in the hospital when she had her last baby (not DH's).
I think the behavior is really inappropriate but I have expressed my feelings and nothing has changed, so now I do not make any attempt to have a relationship with either one of them.
I am polite and civil with them, but I do not call them, I do not go out of my way to see them or do things for them. I still visit on holidays and I went to SIL's baby shower recently, things like that, but I do nothing above and beyond.
They made their choice. They knew they could not have it both ways and in my mind, whether I am being petty or not, they chose BM.
I think my urge to want
I think my urge to want everyone to get along is what's the problem here. I guess I just need to get over the fact that I will never be close with FMIL end of story.
I just don't get how people think maintaining a relationship with BM's is okay. SMH
I don't get it either. My DH
I don't get it either. My DH was never even married to BM- SD was an "oopsie" and they STILL choose her over his first and only WIFE. It's complete crap.
I wouldnt want to be her
I wouldnt want to be her bestie either. I am always amazed how people will allow others into their lives that they cannot trust or have a healthy relationship with simply for the sake of saying they have that relationship.
To me, its not really the issue of whether she is currently chatting with your bm, it's more of what she did to tear your dh apart-it doesnt matter, IMO, even who she was speaking to-what the heck was she thinking saying negative things about her own son and in front of you to boot? Very disrespectful.
Yep, that's my problem, I
Yep, that's my problem, I feel like I should be friendly just 'because'. I need to let it go.
That is true, I was seriously appalled that day. I didn't even mention how she got off the phone with BM, clearly pleased with herself and started trying to lay into me that FDH needed to accept calls from BM anytime/anyday just because it was "the right thing to do" and I needed to encourage him of this. It took everything in me to not punch her in the face and walk out... I opted to just walk out, thankfully.
I can understand if her only
I can understand if her only reason (or the real reason) is to maintain contact with her grandson during the times he's with BM. But based on everything else, that reason is total BS!
Your FMIL 100% crossed the line by telling BM that your FDH will listen to her and that she (FMIL) can "fix" all their problems. I'd be very careful of this woman. Before you marry FDH, make sure that he can AND will back you up! I wouldn't put it past your FMIL to try to stir up some stuff in your relationship with FDH to get him back "home".
I'd also encourage FDH to calmly let BM know that his mama doesn't rule the roost - and to relay that to his son, so FMIL doesn't try to undermine his parenting.
Best of luck!
Oh yeah, I totally call BS on
Oh yeah, I totally call BS on her trying to make this seem like she's doing it for Fss. I feel like she's doing it to still feel like she has control of something, she's a very strange woman sometimes.
Yes, she crossed the line big time. Thankfully though, FDH set her straight and let her know what boundaries he expects etc however the only thing she won't back down on is the BM thing and he doesn't really know what to do. I've forgiven her behavior I just don't trust her.
Thankfully also, FDH text BM and let her know calling his mother for advice was ridiculous and that there wasn't any negociated on the matter of their communication and that she is too difficult to deal with therefore communication will be via text/email.
i'm going through the extact
i'm going through the extact same thing, only my dh has not told mil to cool it with bm. she, also, claims to hate bm. very two-faced. so, i've done what you are doing, but i told my dh exactly why i'm doing it. just tell her you're busy, etc...she'll eventually get the hint. it's a shame i can't be close to my mil, but i know telling her anything will end up getting back to bm. it seems she's chosen the woman who she wants to be her daughter in law (the woman who gave birth to her sainted grandson), i will respect that. but, i've warned my dh that he better hope her father leaves her a wealthy woman because we will NEVER care for her in her older years. family functions, etc... is enough for me. and, as long as your fdh has your back, bm will see eventually that mil has NO impact on you and your fdh.
Ughhh then def know how it
Ughhh then def know how it feels. It's sickening. When your DH talked to his mom did she straight out refuse to talk to BM?
I hope she gets the hint, she just keeps asking and asking. I feel like because I'm polite about it that's why she keeps asking, like she thinks I really am busy. I don't know?
FMIL's DH has recently been talking about moving to a lake about 2 hrs away and she keeps mentioning how she's going to move and she'll just come stay weeks at a time with her "kids" referring to FDH/me & FSIL/FSIL DH. I hold my tongue but it makes me sick thinking about it. i dont want her staying with us for weeks at a time.. ugh.
oh Hell to the no!! FMIL
oh Hell to the no!! FMIL actually thinks she can disrespect you and still stay with you for WEEKS at a time? If I had bigger balls, I'd tell her she can stay with her BFF - aka BM. }:)
I'm very happy for you that your FDH stood up to mommie dearest and has your back!!!!!! He gets mega brownie-points! You two working together as a team will definitely make marriage (and step-parenting) easier.
That's what I'm saying!!!!!
:O That's what I'm saying!!!!! I'm seriously glad we cleared this up as far as her being so intrusive of our relationship and home but that doesn't mean I want her around anymore than necessary. It's so weird, I feel like I should want to hang out with her yet at the same time i feel like, why would I want this woman around. lol. Like another poster said on here, some people feel like they should maintain a relationship just to have it, that's me, unfortunately.
I already talked to FDH and let him know that he is the one to let her know she cannot stay with us when the time comes because if she comes, I'll stay somewhere else.