Am I crazy for feeling this way??
This is my first post here, I will try to keep it short...my husband has 3 kids and I have two. I think we are a pretty normal blended family,, we have definitely had our issues. Recently, my husband's ex-wifes daughter, from her first marriage, has decided she wants to have a relationship with him. She is 27 years old and her dad passed away when she was 15, so my husband pretty much helped raise her. While I understand in some ways her desire to have a relationship with him, it is very difficult for me to understand why all of a sudden she wants this now and what my role is in all of this. When my husband and I first started dating almost five years ago, she rarely spoke to him, now after all this time it's so important to have a relationship with him?? I don't get it. I try to be friendly, etc. But it seems that she is always kind of stand offish to me...and she always talks about her mom, and "old times." So here is my question...this weekend she is having a baby shower, which we were invited to, and honestly, I don't want to go, but my husband says he is going...I guess it's just hard for me to understand why he feels such a need to go hang with his ex-wife and her daughter at this baby shower?? Am I wrong for feeling this way??
I don't think you are wrong
I don't think you are wrong at all.
My husband's oldest daughter has wanted nothing to do with him since she was a child, doesn't even believe he is her father. But you better believe we got that call about a baby shower! They even tried to tell us exactly what we should buy. We didn't go.
This exactly what I am
This exactly what I am dealing with. I guess what bothers me is that for years they chose to not be a part of things and most importantly they ACTED out their feelings in the most hurtful way. Now because they say so, the welcome mat is out and all forgiven. But the problem in my marriage is that they are nothing more than rotten strangers to me. So dh engages with them without me, which I understand I must do, but it takes a toll on my respect and love for the man. I stand up for him each and every time my kids have disrespected him. He knows that, yet e refuses to do the same.
I would give this girl a chance. Sounds like she is testing the waters with you. See what happens. She might not be so bad.
Let your husband go without
Let your husband go without you. You hardly know her and it doesn't sound as if she's looking for a relationship with you. She may just be looking for a grandfather figure for her child. If her motives aren't good, they'll show up, sooner or later.
I've thought about just
I've thought about just having him go alone, but the idea of him hanging out with his ex and her daughter annoys the crack out of me...childish, I know, but I really am not comfortable with the whole idea. All of their other kids will be there also, like one big "happy" family. The thought if it makes me ill.
I was going to suggest what
I was going to suggest what forgotten wife said, but I hadn't realized the shower would be at the ex's house. I'm painfully shy, so I've only ever been invited to two baby showers. They were both thrown by and hosted at friends'. Since it will be at the ex's though, this changes my perspective.
So, let me start by saying, no, your feelings are not wrong.
*However*:
I'm sorry, but I have to say you will need to suck it up unless he has given you some indication that either he or his ex cannot be trusted in such a situation. Otherwise, he's already told you that he *is* going. So your choices are: a) suck up the fact that you feel unwelcome in that group/home/atmosphere, and go to show support of and a united front with your husband, or b) suck up the fact that you don't like him being in that group/home/atmosphere without you, and let him go anyway.
Of course, there is the 3rd option of making an enormous stink over the issue and risk damaging your marriage. I would only go this route if you really do have reason to believe your DH or BM cannot be trusted, and even then, be prepared to have fought a lost battle.
I have asked him why he wants
I have asked him why he wants to go and he says that he has raised her and feels that he needs to be there for her. He says he thinks she wants to have a relationship with him because her dad is gone and so he feels that it is his obligation to be there. As for his ex...he can't stand her. His biological kids are all going to the shower...his oldest bio daughter lives with her mom and bio Son lives on his own, and will be at the shower as well, his youngest bio daughter lives with us and will also be attending. The kids are all very close and they seem to like their mom, although they all complain about her all the time.
My DH raised his SD from his
My DH raised his SD from his marriage with his 2nd wife. She was so close to him and so estranged from her father that she even changed her name to his.
2nd wife left DH to go back to her 1st DH (after 15 years of fighting her first in court). SD then totally dumped DH. He hasn't talked to her in 7-8 years.
Gosh I hope she doesn't reappear on the scene at some future point.
I would present that you and
I would present that you and dh are a team. You do not want this to become an exclusive relationship. I am in one of those and the resentment is overflowing.
I would not go unless I
I would not go unless I really wanted to. I might send a gift - but only in the $20-25 range.
I'm going to come out and say
I'm going to come out and say it. Yes, you're wrong. Well, ok, not wrong for feeling the way you do. We feel what we feel. It's neither right nor wrong. However, you would be VERY wrong to fight with your DH over this, guilt him, pout, make him feel badly, etc. Your actions will dictate whether you're right or wrong.
You don't want to go. Don't go. He wants to go. He can go, and should be able to do so without you making him feel like shit because of it.
I am very close to my "former" SD. Her father and I have not been together for a number of years. I have been with DH for 6 years now, and married for 4. SD is a part of "our" family. She considers me a "mom" figure and she also considers my DH as her stepfather. Her mother is around and in her life. She is also remarried, so there's a "real" stepfather, too. We vacation together. We spend some holidays together. We've even had her attend DH's family reunion. We just spent a week in Vegas with her.
Family is what we make it. So what that this woman's mother is his exwife. It's not about her. It's about the relationship between your DH and his "former" SD.
Good luck. It takes someone strong and selfless and it may take practice...
He has a emotional tie to
He has a emotional tie to this young woman and if she's reaching out to him I think its comendable for him to act as a stand-in father. As for your role it should be next to him. You're adult enough to spend a few hours in a mildly uncomfortable situation for him. Between now and this party work on your conception of this. With a simple change in attitude you can eliminate all of your discomfort.
But is it really the girl or is it the ex-wife that's bothering you? Do you really think he could re-establish ties, perhaps sexually, with his ex? It's a valid worry and again being with him at these meets is the best way to see. Obviously if you have suspicions based on how he and his ex interact then you'll watch for the usual signs of infedility. Google: signs infedility
I think if there has been an
I think if there has been an extended period of time that a man participated in raising his ex's child then there would be some bonding and a continued interest in the child's life. I really did not see mention of how long they were family.
As stepaside said he probably must be getting something out of this. Maybe at this point he is covincing himself that he was of some great value in her life. Even if he was not, it is a great way to stroke his ego.
If this ex sd goes back to her old ways of not being interested in him until the next time she wants some recognition, a present or some money then it will be obvious. From what I read this was your step children's half sister. So no relation to your bio children at all. Really does not seem much reason for that much contact. She could do her visiting with her half siblings when they are at mom's.
I am all for being polite and hospitality but she is an adult female and she is not a part of your family.
IMO, here's a big factor:
IMO, here's a big factor: "... we were invited to" Notable word there is "we."
I would go to the shower with your husband and in recognition of the fact that YOU are part of the WE. The fact you have been invited too is a sign that they at least recognize, and have a modicum of respect for you as DH's wife.
As others have indicated, this may be the beginning of a reconnection between your DH and his exSD so don't set the stage for a lifetime of exclusion now. Sure, it may not be something you really want to go to. But put on your best Oscar-winning performance, be gracious, etc. Be cordial to her mom if needed, but try to avoid any conversation with her.
Five years ago when you met your DH, this exSD was 22 or so. This is a typical age when (normal) kids are off building their own life as an "adult", starting careers, dating, etc. It is understandable he did not hear much from her during these early 20's. Lots of bio parents don't either. On top of this is the fact she lost her own father at a challenging age, and that can take a long time for some people to grieve through and work out - even after adulthood.
The reason she may be bringing up the "good old days" is because that is the only frame of reference she has with your DH. She may be standoffish to you because she has not developed a relationship with you yet and she may feel awkward about the situation, and not knowing what to say. Try and make a positive first step by attending her shower and do be genuine about wishing her all the very best.
I do think that it is worth making an effort to be kind to anyone and to give relationships some reasonable time to grow. If after some time, it appears that things aren't working or other problems crop up, you can sit down with your DH and make an honest case that you have tried your very best ... and then go from there and reassess.
I agree with 2tired. I think
I agree with 2tired. I think every new person deserves a chance. God knows how much happier we all on these boards would have been if we had been accepted, or even tolerated by our steps. I hope it works out!! I would to hear a nice story for a change. (Smile)
I agree with too tired. Good
I agree with too tired. Good post.
It sounds like you don't want
It sounds like you don't want it to feel like playing house and being a family again for the 1st family. Especially since the daughter wants that and he knows she wants that. Going without you is like saying he wants that too. What would your DH prefer? Does he want you there or not?
It's not just about rules - it's about signals and unspoken words that come from our actions.
He should show respect for your relationship and can build a bond with his daughter without disrespecting your relationship just fine.
This is why you should go and present yourself as a team that cannot be broken or pushed around.
If you think you can give her a chance to show her true colors then that would be most prudent. Knee jerk responses aren't the best when the results will last for a long time.