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Another argument

Newimprvmodel's picture

Not good. Not a way to start the day or continue a marriage. I guess in some ways I should just accept and be glad dh is having a separate relationship with his daughter. He has told me that he is ok with that. So why do I get so angry? Because I find that the closeness, trust, and intimacy are just no longer there between us. It has created such a wedge between us. Dh says he feels none of this, but how could he?
We discussed his daughter today. That was the fatal mistake. He shared that she had called him and was in the area briefly and asked to "get together". He told her no, but he said he did not go into detail because it was a rushed phone call. I asked what he would tell her. He said that he will not share with her my feelings of no contact because he doesn't want me to be the bad guy. I told him I never was the bad guy, nor he and that she and her sisters were clearly the aggressors in all of this. That having someone who you have brutalized not want anything to do with you IS a natural consequence of YOUR actions. Again it seems he minimizes and condones. It drives me crazy!!!
I feel so alone in this, and seriously I am not sure how much longer my marriage will continue. We are clearly at odds. And I would be a fool to think that now she is back, that their relationship will not progress to all the craziness I see on these boards. Of course he will engage with her, then her children, etc. how do I stay married to a man who loves his daughters unconditionally, no matter what they do, he accepts?? This just drives me crazy. I know I need to let it go, but I can't . It is killing my marriage.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I guess what also really hurt me today was that he told me "to leave me the f$&@ alone....just shut the f up. " and then he went to church.
He came home and wanted to talk, but I feel too anger and upset to have any meaningful words. I did tell him that I never cursed at him, and this is not the first time I have heard those words. I do have to say that he is pretty decent and respectful most other times. I think it is just the level of frustration we are both feeling with this marriage.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I too go through much the same feelings you have. There is nothing we can do about what our DH decides to do with their adult children. The only thing we can control is our reaction to it.

I know it is very difficult and feeling of betrayal and disrespect are big obstacles to live with.

I think a lot of it depends on how often DH runs off to see his daughter and is it usually during a time you would be doing something together? If it is interfering with your time together perhaps a compromise could be established so you don't have it in your face all the time. My DH only visits SD while I am at work during the day so it doesn't affect our time, although it still bugs me.

But if I insist he never see her, that would not work either. It is a hard spot to be in for sure. Just know you are not alone and a lot of us SM's are going through the same thing.

fedup13's picture

Well said. I have tried, unsuccessfully to get my DH to see this but the bad behavior and total acceptance of it continues.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Like my DH and many others they are in denial. They just will not believe their princesses could possibly have a mean streak or do things intentionally.

It certainly is frustrating when everyone around sees it except for DH. Sometimes I think they do see it but know if they admit it then they would have to do something about it. They like to live with their head in the sand and pretend that everything is OK I guess.

fedup13's picture

This is exactly what I have said. In my previous relationship before DH, my SO had an adult daughter, and he was the exact same way, and now DH, has a son, and it is no different. They refuse to see the truth, and that was always my conclusion, that the main reason why they will not admit it is because THEN, THEY, would have to do something about it, and they don't want to.

forgotten wife's picture

stop talking about them. disengage. don't ask questions. you will hate the answer. they are dead to you. do you talk about dead people? no.

when he brings them up, just say, uh huh, that's nice for you. then, change the subject. when he goes to see them, go somewhere yourself, even if it's on a trip.

don't be the problem in his life. his daughter is not, as far as he's concerned.

StickAFork's picture

You have agreed that you do not need to have a relationship with his child.
He wants a relationship with his child.
She wants a relationship with him.
I don't know why this is bothering you... are you trying to control him and dictate who he is and isn't allowed to speak with?
Why do you discuss her with him?
He has made it clear to you that he doesn't want you nagging him about her. So stop. All you're doing is ruining your marriage. He's not forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. Do the same for him.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I think the real issue is that he continues to keep his own home, in the same town as his ex and adult children. The same home he lived in with them. That is why this bothers me so much, and the fact that many weekends are spent in this home. I feel sick here. He knows how I dislike it, but refuses to understand my point of view. My children dislike coming here, all their friends are at their home, and he refuses to see that. He says we need to be flexible. He wants me to call this place my other home, but I truly can not. I have come to dislike this town, house and I dread most Friday nights when I have to pack up my car and drive here. I feel like we are married, but not really?
He says he does plan on selling this home in a few years, but in my heart I don't believe it because why not sell it now?

StickAFork's picture

You say that he refuses to understand your point of view. Would he say the same about you?

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Definintely stop going to that house ! That is not fair to your kids and you too. If you start refusing to go there and say you don't feel comfortable anymore he might soon sell it. If he promised he would sell it then hold him to it.

Stay at your "home " with your kids - enough already.

Newimprvmodel's picture

So I think likely the issue with his daughter is just a piece if the bigger issue. And I might add that when we are at my home, the one we share with my children, we get along much better! I feel like this house has ghosts of the past that are killing me!! Lol. Sad but true. No marriage could make it under these conditions.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Is it a women issue? I keep feeling like I am crazy disliking coming to house so much! He totally does not understand. He is alo very neat and when I am here, I feel like a visitor, which I essentially am. I have pets, and they are not allowed in most areas of his house. So that in itself is stressful.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Cheri, you are making me feel better. I sometimes feel so stressed knowing I have to come here on weekends. Friends say to me to tell my dh I will not spend anymore time here, but then where does that leave my marriage? Yet on the other hand, coming here does not help it either. I do not know the attachment to this house? Is it a connection to his ex and children? Maybe. I do hear of some marriages that work with separate homes, but this is not my experience. Maybe that is why I have such a reaction to his daughter.

fedup13's picture

I feel bad for you, I would not want to be in that house either. I have seriously considered the option of separate homes lately, granted neither of them being the home DH lived in with his mistake...lol, just as a possible solution to all the resentment and stress, but DH would not go for it.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Actually I don't clean. Lol. I am not a great cleaner anywhere, even my own house. I could come here and just be like a queen. He built this house and that is the fantasy. He loves every inch of it, and I do not. I really think my competition s not his daughter, but the house. Any advice? Look I love my own home and area,,but I really do want to actually live with my spouse. Does it sound like he will sell it t some point?

emotionaly beat up's picture

Don't go to the house. This whole situation is making you ill. Your husband is doing everything HIS way, you are right, he has mi respect for your feelings. It appears in order for the marriage to work, YOU have to make all the sacrifices and compromises, and that is what you have been doing. You desperately want things to change, but you do nothing to change it. If you keep doing things the same way, you will get the same outcome.

If you keep going to the house with him every Friday, then there is no rush for him to sell it. Stop going to the house. It won't fix your sd problems, but the break may help clear your mind enough so you can deal with it better. Currently you have an issue with sd behaviour, and an issue with the house. You can very easily get rid of one of those issues, the house. You ask what will happen to the marriage if you stop going to the house. I would say if your marriage falls apart because you don't want to spend weekends in his former matrimonial home, well, the marriage is on very shaky ground already, best you find out exactly where you stand before you lose your marriage and your sanity.

Get some counselling if you need help in learning how to be an equal in this marriage. It is important for you to respect yourself and take care of your needs, because if you cannot do that for yourself, you cannot expect DH to do it.

forgotten wife's picture

^^^ so many telling you how to overcome this. Are you willing to do it or do you want to continue to complain? It's your life; your only one.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Well I am sitting here at home, with my kids, my pets, and of course no dh. I do hate this two house thing and very briefly this afternoon I discussed issue with him. He totally does not see or understand how I resent/dislike spending many weekends at his home, the home of his ex and daughters. He told me not to come if I felt that way and he just shrugged when I asked where that left our marriage.
I feel so overwhelmed by all the issues. It seems that since the day we were married, s$&@ has rained down upon us. He mentioned lack of intimacy, and this I agree. As I shared, I was diagnosed with cancer only a few months into our marriage, and well I will be honest, that the radical cancer surgery made that aspect of our life quite different. Now I think I also avoid because of emotional factors.
I am left thinking of the old ladies home journals that my mom used to get each month. I would always read the article "can this marriage be saved?" I do hope that mine can. I think together dh and I get along, but sooo much has happened that we have gotten off track.

NoraAstepmom's picture

StickAFork......

You sound like you maybe PMSING....Some come on here to look for understanding and advise. I think alot of us go through things that are sometimes very hard and we come here for alittle kindness and understand. I found your comments to be some what harsh..................

Newimprvmodel's picture

Thank you catmom, I need to hear how other women do not think I am crazy because I feel that if I have to spend more more weekend sleeping in that house I will lose my mind!!! Enough is enough. And he refuses to see it.

forgotten wife's picture

He doesn't have to see it. Women want to be hone, in their own nests.

Stop asking him about how your marriage is doing. You're clinging and fretting.

You sound very depressed. I'm sure it's not what he wants to be around and its not good for you, either.

See your doctor for antidepressants. Have other people in your life. Take a class. Go visit your family or friends. Get the focus off your DH and his house and kids.

Start to find something in your life that brings you happiness, with or without a MAN.

omgsaveme's picture

Forgotten wife nailed it, I had to check myself the other day and decided to get back on track cause I was too busy letting my DH and SD21's bullshit control my life. Asking DH "if he's happy" and arguing and asking stupid questions. Just say it with me F*CK it, not in a negative way but start being allergic to drama and bullshit and rid yourself of it. Men need to feel needed and when they dont, they freak out.

I decided Im going to start working out again, start being busy, and not making his bullshit the focus of my life. I have children to worry about and a life to live. Like forgotten wife said, start doing stuff, get away from the BS. I'm not saying to leave him but create a life for you as well. See how quick he changes his tune once he sees you dont need him, and if he doesnt, then hes not the one for you.

Its hard but let little stuff go. This site has helped me so much, with the ladies great advice. Say f*ck you with a smile, politely decline going to his house cause you "have to go here" or "need to do this".

Newimprvmodel's picture

I have been saying it many times today!!! Lol....I am not going to his house this weekend and I intend to treat myself very well. For so long I have felt that I can't do things on the weekend that do not include dh. A weekend all to myself. I won't waste it.