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Wait I always thought it took a village to raise a child?

LONGTIME SM's picture

Submitted by LONGTIME SM on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 1:34am

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Adult Stepchildren

I don't get it. For years we have been told that it takes a village to raise a child. we have been told that the more people that love a child can enrich their lives. We have been told how important extended family is in the emotional development of a child. Children are supposed to be taught to respect all adults. They are supposed to show respect to teachers law enforcement, babysitters, nannies, daycare workers etc Basically everyone they come in contact with who is their elder. If they go into the neiborhood home they are expected to show respect to the adults living in he house and to their property and belongings.

Why is a sm the only adult that is consistently the exception on this list. Why is a sm not allowed to voice rules about how her house, belongings etc. where the hell could any child, adult or teen expect to enter someone else's home and use things that didn't belong to them or break a house rule and not get punished.

I just don't get all of the posts stating what a SMS boundaries should be and all of the adult steps being sooooo angry that their sm dared to cross that boundary. If the sm didn't care she wouldn't in most cases tried to do anything. If a uncle, aunt or grandparent had crossed thes same boundaries would a step be as mad? If your best friends cool parent had done the same thing would a step child be as mad?

I have to admit I was only n EOWE step parent so there was a lot of Disney dad parenting hitch I could ignore since I only saw my steps 4days a month but I did have a few rules to ensure my property was not damaged -h came with nothing I had to provide everything. I also would never have tolerated rudeness from them but I honestly don't recall that being a problem until they were grown.

I can readily imagine it being much more difficult with full time steps which is why I can not understand how any child, teen, or adult think that they have the right to to live in someone home, eat food they provide and fix, and then have the audacity to tell them or to even think that they have no right to tell them what to do?

My opinion has been and will always be -when you pay the bills-you can make the rules in you own home. It's true for intact as well as any step family situation. It makes no sense that step parents are the only ones told they should not be able to make rules for their own household.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 1:58am

I think you're leaning on an open door here, so to speak. We mostly all agree with everything you say.

However, as an SM who provided everything - as you said it was your house and your money etc - you have/had the prerogative to say "my way or the highway".

LONGTIME SM's picture

Submitted by LONGTIME SM on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 7:40am

As I stated in my post I did not have this problem until they were adults. When treated in this manner when they were adults -----well obviously they have not darkened my doorway again as i will not be disrespected in my own home. Yes when they were being passive aggressive with their actions I did for a time ignore it but when the crazy was fully revealed I decided I had enough.

I'm not sure how I would have reacted to this issue if it had occurred when they were younger because it didnt.

forgotten wife's picture

Submitted by forgotten wife on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 6:32am

Great point. It's the competition thing, I think. We're in competition with all the "women" in our DH's life, like it or not.

It's too bad we finally get it and disengage after all the damage is done.

LONGTIME SM's picture

Submitted by LONGTIME SM on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 8:09am

I agree that the parents should be the ones to raise the children although that was not the prevelant belief about step parenting when I became a step parent 30 yeaRs ago. I wish this forum had existed then as it would have been refreshing to have been able to say not my child not my problem!

However, my main issue is with the misguided idea that has been complained about over and over on this site - that adult steps feel a step parent has no right to set and make rules in their own household or over their own belongings. That they as step children should not have been expected to display acceptable behavior when visiting -just the same as if they were visiting little Johnny's house down the street.

Since these step children understand that grandmas rules must be obeyed when visiting her house why do they now argue that sm had no right to tell them what to do when they were there.

My point is not that all of these parties should or shouldn't be raising your child but instead that step children of all ages are capable of understanding that all of these entities that touch their lives have some type of authority and ability to make rules for them except for the SM.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 7:51am

In my experience it's because DHs family never really considers it SMs house. They consider it DHs house and SM is an inconvenient intruder.

I'll never forget sitting across from my SDIL who sneered when I called my house "my house". "It's not your house" she hissed. I made more $ than my husband and my name was actually on the title. I moved in within a yr after he bought it.

It's seemed to be a matter of perspective. When we moved into a new home together, no one in my husband's family seemed to feel comfortable there. They appeared to perceive they were at a strategical disadvantage in the battle for my DH's affections.

They were all adults, it may have been different had they been children.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 8:21am

We all agree with you. I even used that reference when arguing about DH that we wouldn't let SD16 talk to a teacher or a family friend that way, why are you allowing her to talk to me, her SM that way? That did make him see a little bit. But, BM never did, in her mind I was not even supposed to be addressing her child in anyway so she could treat me however she wanted.

We all agree with you, but unfortunately society does not.

notthebradybunch6's picture

Submitted by notthebradybunch6 on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 8:53am

Amen, Sista!

For five year my two SS lived in my house full time, and I was told repeatedly, they should be treated differently, not have to follow that same rules as my to BK's, who they lived with full time!

How do people do that? That is what I can't understand, how that would make sense to anyone with a grain of sanity, or any idea about child rearing.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Mon, 03/04/2013 - 8:59am

when sd was making my life miserable eowe, fdh did not like me to enforce rules that bd had with sd, because "this is her escape from her mom's". um, NO. it's not. what this is is MY fucking home and i will not have a kid running around being an asshole and acting like she owns the place just because her mom is a dumb bitch. parenting does not get to go out the window just because you want to be favored over bm, dumb ass.