Does this sound off?
I just joined today, been reading and you guys sound like many of you share my situation. We have dh's who suffer from "turn the other cheek" syndrome, or rather codependency at its finest. We have been married only a few years, and up until a few months ago dh' s adult daughters shunned him and our marriage. Which was great for us, yes he still had to pay thousands for the queens, but they and their toxicity were gone. And please understand I truly tried to get them to like me, and vice versa. But they are horrible entitled people, likely the mother is a narcissist, and my dh very codependent. Get the picture? So what came out of this? Three other narcissists. Dh just will not see it.
He has been to court too many times. Not for cs, he pays willingly. Cell phones, cars, premium colleges, he paid 10k defending himself because his ex demanded he suddenly start paying for cell phones, oh and it turns out she even had the balls to submit to court her business cell.
So suddenly college student daughter has been calling and sweet talking dh after years of pulling up her nose and he and I. Mind you, she still wants nothing to do with me, but that is ok with dh. He says that he will work on her. Really? I told him he do what he wants, but I never intend to see that ingrate again.
This weekend they had their first meeting in several years, and to my astonishment, dh said that she asked him to begin cosigning her loans. Dh pays a third of a very expensive school. Seems her dear mother is making lots of money and now daughter not getting cheaper loans. ex sent dh an email this week telling him she won't sign anymore. Dh told daughter no he will not cosign, but has not responded to ex. I told dh I can't believe what an ingrate his daughter is, after all the really cruel things done to us, and she has the nerve. He still doesn't see it. Spent two hours last night on phone helping college student with an essay. They talk every day now. You know when we were in college, who spoke to parents every day? Nonsense. They are setting him up for another court outing.
If I mention anything I am told I need to be hopeful. Honestly, these are very narcissist people. Do you that dh did his ex a favor last week, and she turned around and sent him the email that he needs to start cosigning. He has sent nothing back. If it was me, we'll, lol. That b)$& would have been put in her place years ago.
Hello and welcome! Your
Hello and welcome! Your situation sounds exactly like mine, give or take a few court hearings.
My advice is, do anything you have to do to prevent your DH taking on more debt. He needs to practice saying No very sweetly. Helping her with an essay? Surely, any time. Signing on the dotted line? No can't do.
What are your skids' ages? How many SDs do you have? Is the one in college still getting child support? What does the divorce agreement say about college?
The one in college is still
The one in college is still getting cs and she plans on going to law school. So I suspect dh is going to be dragged to court then, if not sooner. And court ain't free! My dh has absolutely no accounts left because they drained him of everything, that and the lawyers.
He will be firm with her about signing, but the ex will come after him. She has done it a thousand times. I told dh then his daughter will have a choice to make, correct? Be a party to a court action against your father, again, or stand up and be a decent person. But she sided with satan too many, every time.
And now the guilt has kicked in, oh, dd is doing great in school. Too bad her morals are non existent.
Your husband is a door mat.
Your husband is a door mat. This kid is old enough to take care of herself. If her parents weren't divorced she would be doing it on her own. How long does he have to pay for a divorce. This is crazy.
My son is going off to college in the fall and he is expecting me to help...Not pay for it all, help! I will give what I can, no more, no less. I hope you have separate finances, because there is no way I would have my money combined and pay for an adult in law school....That is insane, she will make more money than him when she is done, will she pay it back? I doubt it. She feels entitled.
The problem is the state we
The problem is the state we live in. Cs does not end at 18, but could be at college graduation.
So I guess how does my life
So I guess how does my life go from here? Since dh is unable to set boundaries, I must set them for myself. I will NOT engage with his children and he has pulled out that weary , oh do it for me! No way! He got himself into this mess with his ex years ago because he could not say no and the rest is history. These creatures play him like a fiddle and I see it.
Can I have a marriage with daughters on one side and me on the other?
That is the best possible scenario. Unless dh taken to court and daughters are so angry they are gone again for another few years! I know I must sound awful, but I truly hate them. Their behavior has brought me to that place and dh does not understand. He loves them unconditionally and to me, I wish they never existed! Why would I feel any differently given what these women have done to the man I love and my marriage.
MY SD is not in my life and
MY SD is not in my life and never will be. She did some awful things. DH sees her about once a month for lunch. I don't have any relationship with her and never will until she apologizes for what she did. He knows she won't and won't bring it up.
You can make it work. I do. Much happier marriage this way. Also, he is not allowed to give her any money without discussing it with me. I put a cap on her xmas present this year at 30 bucks...And we don't even have funds co-mingled so it is really not my problem. But, she was pure evil in what she did to us and cost him 10K in legal fees so as far as I am concerned she get nothing for college next year.
You can do the same. Just don't waffle.
Jsmom, thank you! I need to
Jsmom, thank you! I need to her stories like yours. I told dh that he needs to figure out where he is headed with this daily calling. She was his mini wife before me.
I think she has always wanted
I think she has always wanted a relationship, but she doesn't know normal boundaries. I have overheard a few phone calls and she immediately goes into what she needs or wants, and dh loves to help. They know exactly how to hook him. Law school is two years away. I think her mother is tapped out moneynwise by other issues I won't go into, so when she sends dh email that he needs to start co signing, I think she means business. But I can't feel sorry for dh. He allowed this behavior to go on, but for my sanity and our marriage, I can not get back in the loop again.
I told him just that. He needs to consider what is going to happen this summer when little princess is home. What is this girl expecting by her father talking every day? That life will go back to daughter and daddy every weekend, the whole weekend.....all engaged in entertaining daughter. Life has changed drastically. My opinion is that dh is leading her on! He is setting this up to blow up in his face. But boundaries, or lack of, is what sunk his first ship.
He is not gonna see it. EVER.
He is not gonna see it. EVER. He is just gonna latch onto the nice treatment he is getting right now and not see that he is being used and manipulated by a grown woman AND her mother.
My SO came in from working his restaurant just last nite and was all aglow and gushing about how SD 18 (who works with him on Sundays) "actually spoke to me and we had a conversation about college and summer classes and this and that"
I said "really what does she want?" because his girls never speak to him, converse with him or engage with him at all. Only to ask to be driven somewhere or for food or money.
SO tells me "dont be that way" when I asked him what she wanted. He then says "she did mention she needs 100 dollars by Friday to send in with her summer application. I smiled and said " did you tell her you would give her 33.33$. " He says "I told her I'd see what I could do."
Which as we all know ladies and gentlemen means. He is gonna give her the $100.00
The thing is, I dont care, its his money. But I do care that BM pays for NOTHING for these 5 girls. NOTHING. not underwear, coats, shoes, girlscouts, volleyball, softball, soccer, school tuition, school books, paper, pencils NUTTIN!
And like your DH , NewImpvd, I would like him to ball up against NutburgerBM AND SGirls and start saying NO!
It kinda has started making me not wanting to be around him as much after watching him LET them wipe their feel all over him for the last 4 years.
Catmom said "It's very
Catmom said "It's very exhausting watching our significant others get their hopes up that "this time it will be different" and "she's maturing" and "she's changed!!!" and "maybe THIS time she REALLY means it".
You just have to find a way to uncare about that part of your DHs being to keep from being hurt and exhausted, Damned if I know how though.....
I have to say that I may have
I have to say that I may have created a situation now where dh is thinking he will end up back in court regarding college payments to a 20 year old adult. So now he is going to try to win his daughter away from the dark side-- her evil mother, who has dragged my poor husband to court so many times. What absolute ingrates! Blood or no blood if any adult child of mine took me to court they would be shown the door, and it would be nailed shut. It may sound harsh, but I live my life decently and try to treat people kindly, I expect the same back.
I suspect ex will take him to court before the next semester. Daughter is going to have to climb out behind her evil mother and do the right thing. I would not bet much on that happening.