I am in a very, very similar place to you. I have 2 SDs - 16 and almost 18. I have 2 bio daughters who are 30 and 28 and have been living their own lives for years.

About 3 years ago SD16, who was going through a nightmare phase at the time, decided she wanted to move in with us, not just be here EOW. Thankfully it never happened, and she gets on much better with NPD BM these days, so it is unlikely to happen again any time soon.

However, about a year ago, SD17 who has anger issues, was coming to blows with NPD BM, and wanted to move in with us. NPD BM was hassling us about it too. I did some really hard thinking and realised several things - firstly that I could not cope with having this volatile, high maintenance girl living with us. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and can only just cope with EOW.

I then realised that I could not actually stop DH moving SD in with us if he was determined - after all - its his house too. But I told him that if she moved in here - I would have to leave. I did not say this as a threat or an ultimatum - just a sad statement of fact. I COULD NOT live with her. As she is now 18 in a few weeks time - she is old enough to have her own place - and this is what DH was planning to do if she was dead set on leaving NPD BM's household ie subsidise a small place for her to be alone, nearby to us. But thus far they rub along together - although there are lots of screaming arguments. They are both very combative.

Your feelings are completely normal and I would dread it to. I never had any kids to raise but when my Skids are over, I feel like somebody is slowly pulling my teeth out and filling the holes with salt. There is no real privacy unless you enjoy sitting on the toilet. It seems that you should have been asked vs told. Your feelings were not considered there. I personally would point that out to the husband and open that door of communication. If you can't communicate with him now, its going to be all the harder if Skids move in.

Nope, you're not alone. My SS20 moved in with us over 4 years ago. I like him, he's a good kid, but it hasn't come without problems.
He can't hold a job, he failed all his classes in college, he's just lazy. It's causing friction in my home with DH. Now SD12 is forever repeating how she plans on living with us. I have no intention of staying in this marriage if that happens. I raised my kids already. My youngest is 15 and is well on his way to going to college after HS.I can't understand why these mothers do such a crappy job with their kids and then we end up picking up the pieces. I have no intention of raising SD12. So I may be on here eventually saying how I had to dovorce my DH that I absolutely love and adore.

I think the other problem with SKIDs moving in - is that I know a number of SM's where the SKID has just moved in because they are angry with the BM, and then a short while after, decide they don't like it at their Dad's house either, and you get the revolving door situation.
My DH was determined we were NOT going to have that, and laid the law down pretty hard to SD16 about this when she wanted to move in a couple of years back. After all, in conventional 2 parent families - kids do not have the option of saying "I don't like living here - I'm moving out!"

You do have the option to say you are not willing for it to happen - you do have SOME say, after all!
But it might also be helpful for your DH to discuss the drawbacks of where you live with the SS - and explain that rules for home will be no less strict (probably stricter) than at BMs.
I don't know about CS as we live in the UK where people rarely go to court for any part of the divorce process and CO's do not exist, on the whole.

It takes a mother to raise a boy. It takes a father to raise a man. It's time for the boy to live with Daddy anyway. The TV is easy to solve, he gets one in his room and is told "our TV is for the adults but you can watch what we're watching if you want to join in".

So you'll have to wear a robe for a few years. Your husband is worth the sacrafice isn't he?

U Poor thing!!! I feel your pain. I have a grown child on my own. It's like starting over. UGGGHH!

OH I FEEL YOU PAIN!!! SS lives with us, we just ALL moved in together. I SWEAR the arrogance of being 17! It's been 3 weeks and I am ready to say, "sorry I KNOW in my gut this is going to fail". BM must have raised him in a barn and done EVERYTHING for him. Dishes,laundry..there is NO/NONE/ZERO/ ZIP acknowledgement that he LIVES here and should clean up after himself! AND YES where my quiet house went to is---- NOW----- TV on ALL the times, video games being played constantly, TV and computer on at same time. And a huff and puff when asked to do something. OR my FAVORITE 'oh my bad,I was going to...*and fill in what ever task he had ZERO intention of NOT performing!* PRIVACY what is THAT..forget a dinner alone, NOW have to hear his IGNORANT politcal viewsduring dinner. OH and lets talk about his girlfriend issues....

I really think this relationship just can't survive these two kids. ( one is with BM, one is with us). I'm not cut out to be a mom, step or natural. I am truly disgusted, and saddened with myself. I thought I was a big enough person to raise someone elses child, I thought our "love' was bigger then the CONSTANT anger and frustration I feel being in this house. I used to love coming home, now I sit 3 blocks away from the house plotting how I can escape my next "I need to go too the store or away for the weekend idea".
I feel trapped.
So-- YEP I guess I understand! and like you I'm not a bad person, I am just at the end of my tolerance with these two BAFOONS!

Annabella72......You are in a similar situation that I found myself in almost 3 years ago. Yes, this site is great! I needed a site to vent and to see if others share my similar issues with being a step mom. I really felt alone and thought I must be crazy to not embrace and have affection for my stepson. I do care for him and will protect him as I would my other 3 sons ages 8, 10, 23. I adore my husband and would not do anything to cause divorce for us. I've known my s-son since age 2. When he would visit he was often was a pain and spoiled by my husband's mother. She does not come by so much anymore..I took care of that. I would tell my husband and he acted as if I was just too picky and complained too much. I figured years ago after dealing with this that I did not want to have him live with us full time ever!!! I Married his father in 2000 and my 10 year old lived with us full time. My husband is a great stepfather and husband. Just over Two years ago my husband and S-son decided it was time for him to come here and live with us. We did not discuss it. They just decided and the BM was okay with it. He was going into 8th grade. Before he moved in I told my husband verbally and wrote him a letter explaining how I felt. My husband came back with..He wants to be able to raise his son and be a part of his life more. It broke my heart and I wanted my husband happy. In the long run he moved in and I have had some miserable days. I have had thoughts of leaving the marriage even. I pray about it though and ask God to get me through this time. My stepson is not a bad kid but can be arrogant,a "know it all", and defies the rules I make every chance he gets. He use to treat his brother badly and I told him he better not ever touch his other brothers or he has to deal with me. I've tried to make it work. Right now I know I only have until August 2015 until he goes off to college and I can not wait!!! Because I have a good husband and young kids to think about I will stick it out. I will also continue to enforce my rules and this child will just have to live with it or move back to mama who lives out of state. I will not let a child ruin my marriage. He knows this is my house and if he lives here this is how things will go. My husband does not argue with me when I enforce the rules...thank God!! Knowing I have this power makes it easier to deal with my everyday with this child.