I have not been able to sleep after last night's argument. Our arguments are always because of the kids. Most recently HIS. I have shared how his daughter comes over and does nothing to pick up after herself, won't speak,ignores everyone in the house except her dad, comes over with a nasty attitude, etc. I have disengaged to the extent that I don't cook when she is here. She won't bathe when she is here so she goes nowhere with me. She won't pick up after herself in her room, DH does it for her when he thinks I won't notice, I call him on it. I toss food she leaves in the room against house rules, etc. On and on, so that is no longer an issue for me.

The issue is my DD12. We went to eat Saturday at a sandwich shoppe and DD didn't want to share her sandwich with DH. He has his own but always wants to taste everyone's food and never offers a taste of his own. Greedy much?

She didn't want to share and told him as much. He went on to explain to her how he shares his food (he paid for lunch) and how that will come back on her the next time we go eat...that she will have to pay for her own. She didn't say much when he began his rant. She just ate her half sandwich and took the rest home.

Fast forward to Sunday...after an outing we went to dinner. He reminded her when she was eating (he paid since I bought the show tix) that he was again sharing HIS food with her. She offered some of her taco and he declined saying he just wanted her to understand (again) that he was "sharing" because he bought her food. It was 5ish when we were done eating and we went home to relax after.

Around 9:30 - 10 I went to see what she was up to and she said she was hungry. Before dinner she'd only eaten a bowl of cereal that morning around 10. So, I told her that rather than eating junk or me making a meal, she could eat the other half of her sandwich.

I go downstairs a while later to check on our crazy cat and see them sitting on the sofa and DD is crying. I ask what's up and he goes on to say he feels like "WE" got played because he must have told her she couldn't have anything to eat. Of course, I had no way of knowing this and I didn't see anything wrong with her getting a bite since she didn't gorge at dinner and was probably hungry. I didn't think I needed to check with him to see if she could have something to eat. So, he's brow beating her about getting something to eat, it being late, she ate dinner, etc. etc. and again how she'd played us. I told him to stop it. I didn't feel I'd been played against him because I told her to get the food. I told him not to put words into my mouth or tell her how I felt when he had no idea what the backstory was. He didn't know I told her to eat it, he just let loose. I asked DD why on earth hadn't she spoken up for herself and also why hadn't she told me that she had gone down to get a snack and he told her no, that I didn't know and that I told her to eat the sandwich. I can see him getting on her about that, but pitting it as US against her, pissed me off!!! She was sitting there looking guilty but also looking like a whipped puppy. I told him to stop pulling me into his bullshit control issues.

I am so sick and tired of this BS with them. He watches her when she goes into the fridge. If she gets a soda, he makes a big deal of it in the name of supporting me because she can only have half at a time if at all because she will go overboard and drink them back to back. What kills me is that he will catch her when she is alone and lay into her. He will chastise her for wanting something to eat on one hand, but then on another he will tell her she doesn't have to ask if she wants food or drink because this is our "home". I could see if she wasted food. I could understand if she was overweight or had a problem with binging or sneaking food. But she doesn't. If she wants something she will sometimes ask if it's something sweet or if it is right after she has already eaten...she does it with me. Some times I tell her she can have a snack and I'll give her options and sometimes it's flat out NO, drink water.

Just the other night after being out and it being late, he wanted pizza. Okay, it's 9:45 and you want to order pizza, so we did it and ate pizza at 10:15. How is that so different from DD wanting a snack around the same time last night?

I lost it, folks, I totally lost it because he cannot see how he is sending these mixed messages, he cannot see how he intentionally catches her when I am not around to get on her about one thing or another. I lost it because she was open about what she wanted, she wasn't sneaking (unlike him, paying son's bill and lying about it...another post for later).

It's the bully tactic that bothers me. It is that rather than ask the question to understand what is going on or what happened, he just goes all in based on what he believes to be true.

What the hell is the problem here? What am I missing? I feel like I am constantly caught between the two.

She is used to my parenting, where I give options most times. His way is kids are to be seen, not heard and have little or no say so in their lives. I didn't know this until AFTER the fact when we were all under one roof. When we were dating he seemed to defer to me as the parent. Now, he is all up her ass about the littlest things and both she and I are confused. While I don't mind him being a friend, I have issue with him being the disciplinarian when he just got on the boat within the last 3 years.

I see it as him exerting control over the littlest person,he doesn't do this with me. He is always telling the kids how they feel, i.e., you are cold, go put on more clothes or you are hungry, I am making breakfast and you will eat. Then when she or they say they aren't hungry and play in the food, he's pissed. Or five minutes later when they have removed the sweatshirt, he's pissed.

What the hell?