Accept the current situation or hit the high road!?!?!
So, where to begin...I can't quite say that I am having issues with my husband as he's still only my fiance but I am seriously reconsidering that next step due to the issues we are having with our children. My fiance has his BD whom I'll refer to as my SD for posting purposes..She is turning 3 in about a week and I have been in her life since she was about 8 Months...so we've had a good amount of time to get familiar with each other. As she was getting older, I always enjoyed the time we got to spend with her on alternating weekends and some holidays. We were like a "happy lil family." I love her and always have and my fiance has always requested that I not treat her any different than my own; I have always made it a point to follow through with this as I never wanted her to feel bad, awkward etc...She was like OUR daughter when we had her. Things were fine.
Well, over the last year we've definitely noticed that now that she's getting older, she's obviously coming into her own and her personality and attitude are more apparent. It became clear that with her BM, she was not getting the "proper" guidance and discipline needed to be a well-behaved young lady, not to say there is a right and wrong way of raising children but...she was really starting to act out and give attitude for any little thing. It was getting kind of bad. I, of course, mentioned this to my fiance and he agreed that some correction was needed as far as her behavior.
Now during this time, I became pregnant and have since given birth to our little boy. He is going on 4 months now and its been a joy to have the full feeling of motherhood. That being said, since his birth things have taken a terrible turn. Obviously, once the baby was born my SD wanted extra attention from her bf...He gave it to her.. but since then its becoming an issue with me because not only is he giving her extra attention, which I expected, but he's now ignoring any issues in regards to her attitude and behavior...she"s getting away with murder. My MIL isn't helping either.. she even goes so far as to say shes the "queen of her world," "the only girl in daddy's life," "She's her spoiled little baby, Grandma spoils her!," with a big smile on her face. Whats worse is my fiance has this really rotten attitude towards our son. I feel like he's not interested in being a part of my BS life. He doesn't try to spend time with him or do much for him unless I specifically ask and god forbid the baby cries, my fiance becomes overly frustrated and wants nothing to do with the situation and eventually a fight ensues. He gets angry and gets after our son for crying but gives his daughter the world without a thought. I get irritated cause I don't feel it's fair or right to act that way towards our BS. I've mentioned the situation and how I feel about it and my fiance turns everything on me, accusing me of picking on his daughter and purposefully being mean to her and showing our BS more attention. To that, I can genuinely say, that all I am guilty of is trying to "treat her as my own" like he wanted and trying to correct her if she's acting out. Never once have I intentionally been mean to her or done anything of the sort and in regards to the amount of attention given...well of course it would appear our son is getting more...simply because he requires more, Ex: feedings, changings, etc... In the end, I turn into the bad guy, his daughter is becoming more and more spoiled and her behavior is getting worse, and I'm sitting here watching our son being neglected by his father.... I feel so lost, I never would ever want to see my son/future children being treated like that and now I simply dread the weekends we have his daughter cause there is always tension and fighting between my fiance and I and I am at a lost as to how to act and treat his daughter now...I Love him to death and would never want to leave but I am seriously having issues with this whole situation and I know it will only get worse...:/
well, there are 3 different
well, there are 3 different things here:
cries like a baby for no reason, does not answer, etc). She will need extra care from her Dad and make her fell included in the new family situation.
1) Fathers do not make a bond with babies automatically , also they are a bit jealous because our attention is 98% for the newborn (which is natural).
You have to include him in little things, like bathing, feeding, etc. Give hSim time to accommodate to the new situation. It´s not easy for dads to cope with the new situation.
2) SD is jealous: this can be a nightmare, I know. My SD pees on her pants all the time now (she is
Also she is spoiled, well, this will take extra work from her Dad, supervision, correction.
3) You need to focus now on the baby. Please try to isolate from this environment and take care and love your new baby. The rest needs time for correction and arrangements. Try to get time on your own to do some exercise and have quality time with friends or other family members. Get help whenerer you can, so you can relax, have a bath and a break!!
Thank You for your feedback,
Thank You for your feedback, greatly appreciated. In response...
1) I perfectly understand that it may take time for a father to feel that bond with their child however, I've tried to help the situation as best as I can. I have tried to include him in bathtime and urge him to assist me in readying the baby for the day, holding him, just in general spending time with him..What happens.. he responds that I'm usually the one who bathes him and takes of to tend to other activities he'd apparently rather do, he gets frustrated with readying the baby and if he holds him..it's for a few moments to toss him around in the air and then he puts him back in his swing/bouncer/playmat and leaves him there.. even with feedings I urge him to take time to feed the baby.. what does he do- prepare a bottle and then prop the bottle in the babys mouth with a blanket as the baby is set in his boppy..I can't seem to get him to take time to really bond with the baby. And my MIL adds too, not only with spoiling my SD but in the neglect of our son. Prime example: last weekend I asked my fiance to watch the baby while I wash some bottles, when I came back into the room.. my MIL was positioning my fiance and SD on the couch in poses and telling them to "smile for the camera" ...etc and all that so "Daddy and Daughter can take pictures to put up on Facebook!!!!!"......and wheres our son... posted up on a recliner on the other side of the room...Mind you, he's still kinda wobbly when it comes to holding his head up and at the moment I saw him..a million terrible visions of him tipping over forward off the chair went thru my mind... No one was watching him and at that he wasn't even included in the "photo shoot".... like that's not my fiances son either... Ugh.. its little things like that that break my heart.
2) as to my SD behavior... of course.. I knew she'd be jealous but that paired with the fact that she's already spoiled.. its an absolute nightmare!
3) I am... I am trying to focus on my son and his well being.. I'm trying so hard to not let all this get to me... it does of course.. but I'm trying.. I just hate that his father isn't interested in having that bond and treating him right... My fiance even told me once that it was "different for me since this was technically my first born..so yeah I was going to be willing to have that bond with him...."... on his end..apparently since he's already had his first born.. he can't be bothered with our son!?!....atleast that's how he's making me feel.
That is terrible! It doesnt
That is terrible! It doesnt even make ANY sense that they wouldnt include the baby in the pics! And especially leaving him alone in the chair when you asked you FDH to watch him...
This is something I am scared about happening to me if my FDH and I ever have kids. Now he has even told me he loves his daughter (SD5) more than he loves anyone in the world. And I'm like, what a horrible thing to say to your fiance! And is it going to be that way when you are married with kids with me?
And I also have a meddling MIL so I feel you on this one.. Since you are already very invested in this situation I would try to sit them both down and talk to them about it in a calm way. And let them know if they continue the behavior you are going to spend more time out of the house with your baby on playdates or taking him around the park or mall or mommy and me yoga etc etc.
By the way, how much is MIL in the picture?
Yes, thank you!?! I am so
Yes, thank you!?! I am so scared that's how things will be once we're married and once we have more children. And as far as discussing things with FDH and MIL CALMLY...no.. that'll never happen. I've tried with him and that's been extremely difficult and his mother is far more dramatic than he is...it'll just end in a war. It's terrible to realize that communication is such a rough area in our relationship now... I hate it. And the MIL is in the picture quite a bit..We usually see her a couple times a week. She never helps the situation... My SD is her favorite and by favorite I mean, of her 8 grandchildren...she would die for my SD and none of the others. She spoils her and is really ugly towards all the other children. It sickens me.
well, you need to raise the
well, you need to raise the issue with your husband. Talk to him seriously, say that you notice he is not paying attention to the baby at all, that he is his father and needs to be responsible.
You understand that SD needs attention, but that your son deserves to be included in games and pics, and explain to your SD that her brother loves her and needs her as well. Usually girls has mother instincts and like to help with botles, bath, etc.
Try to include her in some activities as well, I know it is an extra effort!! But she will like the idea of being your assistant and she will notice the baby and will love him!!!
Hope you solve this situation.
IF nothing works try some counseling, so you feel supported by a professional and get extra advice.
well, even though she appears
well, even though she appears jealous and wants attention...she actually tries to be around her "baby brother" and tries to help out with him and gives him hugs and kisses.. so her attitude towards the baby seems ok, it's really more the issues with my FDH. His behavior towards the baby and the difference in treatment towards his daughter. All in all the counseling doesn't sound like a bad idea though. Thank You.
Wow... I cannot explain how
Wow... I cannot explain how much I appreciate this response.. You've summed up so much of what I've felt and want and just really touched on everything. I would quote some of the things that really hit me but pretty much the whole post is...well it's just great.
"Living by his permission and his approval means you have to sacrifice your own principles and own happiness, and that of your son. "...That really sums up exactly how things have become...
Its funny how you mention having an exit plan.. Sad to say I have one... I'm ready to go if I decided to, as far as surviving...emotionally, I'm not ready and I'm not sure I ever will be...It really just comes down to whether or not I can get thru to him. It's very difficult. I've tried countless times but to him.. if it's not a valid reason in his mind or its a stupid thing to be upset about in HIS opinion...he won't give it the time of day or even consider compromising or discussing it. I think deep down I know what would probably be best (to leave)...if i didn't think that then I probably wouldn't already have an exit plan. It's just really unfortunate that it had to come to this....But the stress is not worth it and my son and his well being will always be important to me.
Thank You for the links...The
Thank You for the links...The articles were very informative. The first article really touched on a lot of characteristics of our relationship and my FDH.. There's definitely a lot to consider in regards to all of this and my priority of course is my son.
So he wants you to love his
So he wants you to love his daughter as if she is your own.
But the fucking asshole treats his son as if he is just some random kid?
Surely you can do better than this man. Love is NEVER enough. Loving an asshole never has a happy ending.
Exactly.. That is an easy way
Exactly.. That is an easy way to put it ....
He treats our son like some other kid.
Its really unfortunate because he and I have truly had an amazing relationship..obviously if I was willing to be engaged to the guy but this whole thing has just gone downhill and I often find myself planning our lives ( my son's and mine ) without him. ::sigh::
Yes, It's all the time...
Yes, It's all the time... Doesn't matter when or where and if we have his daughter or not.