It's very common. I always counsel both men and women to not have second families for this very reason.

All the starry eyed dreams of both your husband and his first wife were shattered when they divorced and its not uncommon for people to yearn for what could have been.

Wow, great question wantmylifeback and you know I think there is something so valid about what you are posing. For me, it feels like there is a never ending grief that SO feels that his family will no longer be normal. I know he doesn't pine for his ex, but I think he pines for the way things were with his kids. I really do believe he is happy not having me around with his kids so he can try to recreate something from the past.

Having said that, I know myself, sometimes I feel grief about my first marriage and not so much about being with my ex, but missing the family and how much more normal it felt. It was a given that I was a part of the family, no questions asked, and I took all that for granted not realizing what I would one day be facing. It's been tough.

I think for me, I feel sad because when I was young, it was always my dream to grow up and have a family and be married...once. So my grief is the end of that dream and having to face this most difficult blended situation. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for leaving my marriage...

SO have often talked about what it would have been like if we had met many years ago and been each other's first marriage...

It's a loss for sure...

I think it depends very much on the circumstances surrounding the break up of the first marriage and how each partner interprets it. If one partner perceives the ending as a rejection they may not be able to move forward positively, and yearn for what has been lost.

There is often a degree of "rose tinted spectacles" going on - ie idealising the first marriage - especially if the person concerned did not want it to end.

I personally have never felt compared negatively to the BM - rather the opposite. She was the initiator of the break up, but DH had just about reached the end of the line with her, and doesn't have much good to say about her.

This is what I am worried about when me and DH start a family. He never wanted kids with his ex, they were young and werent even in a relationship, f buddies tbh and not just exclusive, had to have DNA tests on both kids. What a mess!!
he wnated to be older and married befor ehaving kids with a woman he loved, this decisoon was taken out of his hands when BM got preganant, and then he was stupid enough on a 1 night stand with her again and boom no 2 kid.
But still I feel that no matter what I do and when we have our family, which he is really looking forward to, will always be compared to how his skids were when they were little. I can see he longs to be with them but thing is when they are with us half the time he cant wait for them go ??! he is a very guilty dad for putting them here in the situation to which they are growing up but isnt a disneyland dad (thank god)! on top of that they ar eboth girls, so just a bit of presuure on my womb to give him a boy too!!

Not at all. My dh adores me. If he his daughter wasn't proof that he had a wife before me, he'd likely block it from his conscious all together. We never talk about his past life. He effectively squashed her desire to continue to communicate constantly and to interfere in our daily or even weekly lives. He has joint legal and physical custody - that he had to jump through hoops for.

Strong boundaries are really key. That and a desire to move forward. My dh was miserable in his first marriage. By the time he left he hated her. He has no desire for that "normalcy". Is he sad that he only sees his kid 1/2 the time? Sure, but he doesn't dwell on it. He always focuses on our blessings. When she is here she is included in the life and the family we have built together. It doesn't change. She is merely included.

And that is the difference. Many of your households change when the skids arrive. They suddenly revolve around that family with the second family stepping back. Instead of the skids being included in their father's new life, the father steps back into their lives leaving behind his new future. It is sad, really, because perhaps the skids would feel more secure and stable if they were invited into the new fold from the start.

Im sure he does, because I often fantasize that if I had picked a normal sperm donor to start with, none of this crap would be happening.

Sigh....how simple life would have been. But yeah, I'm sure he does, wish the exact same thing, and he has guilt from it. That's the problem. My thoughts are usually fleeting and I have to remind myself of reality and let those dreams go.

I am blessed and don't really have the guilt, I think divorcing bs dad was the best idea ever. SO feels guilty about the situation that his son is in, and that he can't get full custody and get him out of it. Don't think he has any desire to be with psycho b... He tried his best for years to put up with her.

I hate DH's first family because of this very thing.

Isn't that interesting that women file for 70% of divorces! Think there's a reason for that?

I was my husband's third wife and I know he loved me much more than the other two. In retrospect, however, he did not leave me very secure, left most everything to his kids. I often think about how things might have been better if I'd divorced him.