i fear im at the end......of my marriage
after 2 years of pure every other weekend hell n my boys 12, 10 & 4 putting up with ss shit, my husbands suprizing decision has brought me to mine. my ss who is turning 12 this month will be moving in. thats the last thing that i need. my ss has done nothing but cause pain for my boys n i n as much as it breaks my heart to leave the one man whos my best friend n the one id love to spend the rest of my life fighting with, i cant put MY boys through that.
you see, my bs10 is n therapy n my bs12 wont stay with me n my bs4 now thinks it right to hit mommy n talk dirty on a regular basis all because of ss12. there is so so much more but im seriously ashamed of myself for lettn this happen for so long going on believing my husband with this word he calls CHANGE. ive lost all hope n it breaks my heart.
i wont make him choose, its not right. how do i go about doing this? what n how do i say im leaving cause my ss your bs is moving in n I FLIPPN CANT STAND THE LITTLE FUCKEN PRICK. hes disrespectful, racist, rude, filthy....physically n mentally n so is his mouth n he makes sure everyone knows it. hes violent n sneaky. he pees n my plants, will spit n a full pitcher of tea n is a thief. bd wont do shit about it.
thats why if he moves n........im gone. is that wrong? i know my husband will say stay n family sticks together but the well being of my own is what matters most, right? i mean, after all weve fought through telling myself this little shit wont win does it make sense to split up ntear apart something so great because of a sc? just lookn for some hope or some few words of wisdom.
Leaving sounds like the right
Leaving sounds like the right thing to do. If dad's not doing anything about, you have to do what's required to take care of Your children. Having a kid in therapy because of his kid is more than enough reason to leave. And honestly, if your kid is in therapy I don't know why you're still there now. One son is already checking out on your because of your choice to stay. Another is in therapy and the third is growing into someone that you will despise as much as you dislike your stepson.
I don't think I'd be waiting for the kid to move in to move myself and my boys out if he's already causing this damage with every other weekend. Your husband has already shown you he will do Nothing. Why on earth would it get any better?
You may love your husband and think you have a terrific marriage and that he's the best thing since the wheel... but he's allowing your children to be alienated, traumatized and turned into little ingrates. Your kids are your responsibility and you need to live up to it. Get out.
Staying because you don't
Staying because you don't want this little shit to win. Yeah! that sounds like a really good decision to stay married doesn't it.
Leaving to save your sanity and to save your children particulary the 4 year old who sounds like he is going to grow up to be SS12, leaving to get out of a situation where you are completley miserable, and so are your kids. Leaving to give yourself and your children a decent life one full of peace, laughter and happiness, as opposed to anger, fighting, yelling, screaming and hatred. Sounds like a damn good reason to leave.
You love him, he is your soulmate, the man of your dreams, if you cannot make it work with him, well who can you make it work with. Surely if you just put up with a bit more, give a bit more, work a bit harder YOU can make it work.
Now this soulmate of yours, what exactly is he doing to make it work, oh, no sorry, that's your job isn't it.
Look it does not matter how much you love him. If he does not love you back, or worse, if he loves himself more than you. You are wasting your time. You are in a relationship with yourself and don't know it. That is not love.
If this man of your dreams really cared about you, he would not put you through this. His surprising decision would not have been a surprise. It would have come about at the end of a long discussion during which plans for the mental health issues of SS would have been sorted out, a therapist booked and suitable arrangements made in regards to DH not allowing yourself or the other kids to be alone in the house with this violent 12 year old. 12 year olds can have amazing physical strength. Ones with mental problems, even more so.
But no, DH thought of himself and his son. Gee, that's true love isn't it.
Why amd I being so harsh. Because you are sacrificing your 3 kids for a man who isn't prepared to sacrifice one of his for you.
Leave.
"You are in a relationship
"You are in a relationship with yourself and don't know it."
What a great way to put it. This applies to so many women who are in bad relationships but can't see it.
Do you see a life with this
Do you see a life with this guy after your children are grown? If so Google "legal separation' and see if that suits your situation. It's also a good way of letting your spouse know that the situation is extremely serious and quite possibly on its was to a full divorce.
A legal separation allows the two of you to live apart and legally separates you two financially while otherwise maintaining a marriage. Then when the situation is resolved you can dissolve he separation or let it stand and in either case move back together.
What are you doing to correct
What are you doing to correct your children's behavior? Four days a month should really not be affecting them this badly if you're not allowing it the rest of the time.
well, how does a child reak
well, how does a child reak havoc only every other weekend and leaves that kind of impression on my kids.....it's simple really. I am a very strict parent a times, i dont allow my children to watch certain things, talk certain ways, they have to be respectful to everyone and everything...including our home. i am raising my children the way i was raised, well trying to that is.
Then , my ss12 shows up and he does whatever he wants however he wants to whoever he wants. I spend all weekend yelling at my kids for the main reason that they see ss12 doing all this n not getting in trouble so they might as well. Then that causes alot of tension with my boys and i cause they get n trouble n ss12 does not. i get to hear how mean and hateful i am n i how never let them have fun.
I am not trying to justify me staying. im torn about the fact that i know what i have to do because of the situation we are about to b put in and i just needed to vent about it. Its breakn my heart and when we leave i know it will break my boys hearts as well because they love their sf very much.
My husband tries to control ss12. He gets on to him so much and tries alot of different things but nothing seems to work. This ss12 of mine is violent and my husband defends my children but we are just both failing cause this ss12 will not stop. i know what i have to do and hate the fact im giving up. i know whats best for my boys and i will do what i have to. like i said im torn about all this and was just wanting to vent and hoping someone would of had a situation like mine and would tell me how this happens alot and im not the only one.
Why is your husband moving
Why is your husband moving this child in if he sees the problem? Leaving is your only solution. Went thru this with my SO. Totally different parenting styles and kids. Once we got separate living areas, he was able to start seeing what a disaster his kid is. And he also gets to see how my son acts, without his kid around. And he pets his alone time with his kid, without us.
It's been working and slightly improving over the last year, but ss8 says he doesn't want SO living with me and my son. At this point, I don't want them here either but it may become an issue.
You have got to do what's best for your kids. And you know that. You can try a discussion with DH, not making him choose , so much that you are explaining what you have to do for u and your kids health and safety.
He may see this as a 'solution' to SS behavior issue, if he thinks its all BM fault and doesn't accept any blame, but to make this decision without you? Nah. Not cool at all. He is doing what he thinks is best for his son, without you, so you need to do what's best for your kids, without him.
If the kid is that bad, why
If the kid is that bad, why would you consider staying? Clearly your DH is putting that terror above you, your marriage and your kids. You need to put you and your kids before your nightmare of a SS.
I am sure you are not unique.
I am sure you are not unique. You are not the first person to find yourself in this situation, and you won't be the last. I am just as sure a lot of women stay in it. Just as a lot of people say they stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids.
I believe that while people say that, the truth really is, if they really cared about their kids, they would not allow them to live a life where their parents are fighting or distant, they would not allow their children to learn that this is how a relationship works. You fight or ignore your partner, you keep an emotional if not physical distance from your partner and you just fulfil responsibilities to your kids. I believe these people stay because it is easier for them. They get to see their kids sure, but that comes at the emotional well being of their kids. They stay because it is always easier to stay than it is to go. As you are now finding out.
Your children are by what you are saying suffering. You have lost your 12 year old because of this SS. You ask if its worth ending the marriage over a 12 year old, letting him win. Well, was it worth losing one son over this 12 year old already. I said this before. You are making all the sacrifices here. You have lost your 12 year old, and the others well, I'd say the 4 year old, if he sees much more of this, you have lost him too, and the middle one. Well after allowing this situation to rip his family apart, is not going to thank you.
You are sacrificing your three babies so he can try and I emphasize TRY to save his one.
Never did believe in that business of leaving 99 sheep to take their chances to save one.
Your children are every bit as important as his. He surprises you with a decision to move this boy in. No thought about you or your children. No discussion with you. Apparently no long term plans as what he is actually going to do about this boys behavour, he' seemingly just going to wing it and see what happens. He is playing Russian Roulette with the lives of you and your kids for his kid. He is gambling with the physical, mental and emotional health of your kids, so he can give it a go with his kid. This twelve year old has already won. You need to leave. Once you leave, you and your kids willl be the real winners. Your kids will not only have a happier home life, but they will have their mother back. Surely they deserve that.
If you can try to approach
If you can try to approach this calmly. Facts. No yelling or screaming.
You and your children will be moving out. Give a date. or approximate date.
Not open for discussion. He will try to argue that his son will be better. You have already damaged your children. Please forcus on helping them.
I'm all for putting a relationship first - but that is for day to day issues. Not fundamentally putting the children in a horrible untenable situation. Yes a relationship needs nurturing - but think of it this way - would you stay with a man who abused your children? Because indirectly you are doing just that.
Your husband says family
Your husband says family sticks together - what did he do about your own son not being willing to stay with you due to HIS son? Or about the issues with your other two kids? Or does he not consider them "his" family?
Seriously? I would walk if he won't make some serious changes in his parenting. For your own sake, as well as that of your kids. None of you need this. I'm sorry.