Husband's Ex Moving to Our State With Child
My husband and I moved several states away for career related reasons. When we lived near his ex in the same state, life was a complete nightmare. She would come to our house and make scenes at our front door and she constantly called and texted my husband when the child was with us. She tried to interfere and insert herself in our lives because of her anger about the divorce and my husband's new relationship with me. It got to the point where he turned her calls on silent so we could have some peace. She's made it nearly impossible for me to have a loving relationship with the child because she constantly messes with his mind telling him negative things about me and my relationship with his father.
Ever since we moved, she's never allowed the child to come visit us. Now this woman is planning to move to the same state we live in for no other reason than to continue to interfere in our lives. She's literally stalking us. When she gets here the drama will just start all over again. I always thought she was was mentally unstable, but now I'm convinced of it. She is truly evil. }:)
Any advice about how to handle this impossible situation is greatly appreciated.
This is exactly what I am
This is exactly what I am afraid of happening to me in the future becasue BM is exactly the same as your BM and we are here temporarily for a few months but will move far away again. If she followed us or if I had to stay here I dont think I could possibly handle staying in the relationship...
How far away is her current state from your guys state?
She's on the other side of
She's on the other side of the country. It's been total bliss being that far away from her.
Did your DH file for a
Did your DH file for a visitation modification when he moved away from the child? You say the BM didn't "allow" SS to see his father... why are you allowing yourselves to be at HER mercy?
Go to court.
Yesterday.
This father should not have moved away and abandoned his son.
Part of life is moving. I
Part of life is moving.
I would never, ever, not-if-the-world-was-going-to-melt, move away from my minor children.
It would not happen. Ever. That's just my personal feelings and my opinion. Priorities.
you know, he could have been
you know, he could have been in the military. What would you suggest a military parent do? people shouldn't get divorced either, but you are pretty good at that.
People move every day. Most
People move every day.
Most people that I know have made multiple long-distance moves across the country during their career. I moved a dozen times during my working years (which I realize is above average). From NY to CA and back with a lot of places in between.
It is often difficult for both parents to live in the same geographical area after divorce. It has to be even more difficult in today's job market.
Is that ideal? No. Divorce is not ideal either. But it can be managed.
These "children of divorce" of my peers are now grown adults. Wonderful young people who love both parents. And whose careers now are moving them around the country (and sometimes world).
BM was living on the other
BM was living on the other side of the country with skids and they would come and spend the whole summer with us. THEN -- good news! :O She moved back here. She is bat-poop nuts. You have my sympathy.
As I was cleaning today in my
As I was cleaning today in my closet, I came across 2 different letters. Im not sure when they were written..could be up to a year old, but they will give you perspective into just what my life feels like at any moment!! One was written by my SS13. I have raised him since he was 3 when he could not even feed himself and still had diapers..THREE!!!!! He has severe ADD and reactive detatchment disorder. He struggles in school socially and academically despite rigorous modifications and meds. I am very well aware that every time he goes to his moms (about every 3rd weekend) he "spins" his stories of abuse and neglect against me. We also have 3 BS 9, 7, and 6 in home, and he even did this at school once to get the attention. He had a bruise on his arm from playing outside in his tree house. I'm tired of these games. Of coarse, the CPS came, saw and dropped, but I am TIRED of this crap!!
Here is the letter that I just found from him to his dad. I'm gonna write it word for word, just so you see how he is!! HOWEVER..the writing is not by him..It was written by his mom and then he signed it!! I don't know when this was written and my husband says he doesnt even recall the letter. Guess he wasn't too worried because he isn't the one who would be arrested if this were true..I don't know what to do
Dear Dad;
I want to stay with Mom. I do not want to go home unless (the evil stepmother) gone!!! REALLY..three!!!
She Abuses me!!! She is meaner when you are not there!!! She scares me!! She hits me, kicks me with a rubber boot,
trips me, slapped me, use to pull my ears, she spanks me, yells at me, pushes me, tells me its my fault you and her are
fighting, says mean things to me about my mom. I'm tired of being hurt by her!! Its bad and I cant take it anymore
Love """""
Next letter is from my SD 17 who I have also raised for 10 years. She is very rude and disrespectful to me and my husband generally buries his head in the sand when it comes to her. The example she is setting for BS 9, 7, and 6 is terrible!!
Here goes..
Dear """""
Im am moving to ++++++ to live with my mom for the summer.I might have to get a job. (THE WICKED WITCH) has been trying to have me get a job for a while, but I didnt want to. I might have to resort to one if I live with my mom since she doesnt have a job or $$ and her unemployment is running out. I might even have to resort to McDonalds..Bleh!! At least I don't have to see (THE WICKERD WITCH) face every waking moment of my freaken existence, Sheesh..she's so annoying. She is the easiest person to automatically hate. She wasn't always like this, but somethiing happened to her. Now she is a control freak!!
I end there, but she goes on and on..you get the picture!!!
She is now 18 and NOT working. She had a job for about 6 months in Twin Falls but she quit that job and moved in with her boyfriend who is 22 and on the sex offender registry for haviong sex with a 14 year old. She is not going to church...go figure and I let her dad initiate any conversations with her becasue I get nothing but venom!!! Geesh..I didnt see that coming!!
Wow! I really feel for you.
Wow! I really feel for you. My stepchild has done some nasty things to me as well when he was very young (four and five years old). He said things you wouldn't expect to hear from a child so young, but that was all his mother's manipulations. It's severe in your case and almost severe like that in mine. Sometimes I just want to walk away from it all. Fortunately and unfortunately his father is the love of my life. But in order to be with the person I love, that whole aggravating package comes with it. The thorns on the rose. I'm so glad to have found this place of support. Thank you for your post.
Why was visitation not set up
Why was visitation not set up prior to moving? Set it up now, take her to court, enforce it.
Insane ex's is what
Insane ex's is what restraining orders, visitation orders and criminal findings of violations of them are for.
Husband starts by having his attorney write a threatening letter to implement those solutions and carry through as needed.
I agree with the comment about abandoning for career reasons. He chose money over the kid - its just that simple. (Barring the military career of course).
BM doesn't get to allow or
BM doesn't get to allow or disallow visitation. Wasn't there a court order outlining visitation?
Hello All, Thanks for your
Hello All,
Thanks for your replies of support as well as your expressions of concern about my husband moving away from his son. I understand both sides. My husband isn't in the military so he didn't have to move, but he chose to because an opportunity arose that would make our lives better in the long run. I agree, it's been hard on his child to see his father be so far away. We visit him twice a year (and my family) and my husband has been trying desperately to get his son here to spend time with us. Unfortunately he and his ex never had a court ordered agreement for visitation. I've told him over and over again that was a mistake from the get go. When we lived near his ex, they just had a verbal agreement to exchange the child a few times a week. Now, my husband doesn't have a leg to stand on and she dictates whether the child is "allowed" to visit. She basically runs the show and my husband won't go to court and fight for his rights. It's an extremely frustrating situation. He feels like the child's emotions will be affected by the fighting which is understandable, so he basically lets the mother do whatever she wants.
As for calling the police when she makes a scene at our door...the same thing applies. My husband won't do it because he doesn't want his child to see the police make her leave or take her away, etc. My husband claims all his passiveness is due to the child's feelings.
It's a tough situation to be in all the way around. I can't help feeling blissful being so far away from her because when we were near her, life was hell for three years. I can't stress enough how crazy this woman is (I guess you can tell from the fact that she's moving to a whole different state where she has absolutely no family just so she can interfere with our lives). She's a control freak. My husband made his bed, now he has to lay in it and pay for the mistake of marrying her for the rest of his life. And I have to pay as well by default. I know ex-wives and BMs often get a bad wrap, but in her case it's well deserved.
"make our lives better in the
"make our lives better in the long run..."
Who is "our?" You and DH? His son? You, Dh, and SS?
I cannot stand selfish parents. Your DH walked away from his son without ANY concern to the effect that would have on his son. He didn't go to court, didn't establish a custody/visitation order, nothing.
How men like this are attractive to women is beyond my comprehension.
ETA: I see you say he married BM, but has no custody/visitation order. How is that even possible? All divorces with minor children must address said minor children. So... what's the story?
The man moved to make a
The man moved to make a better life for himself. boo hoo for those of you who don't like it, Really? isn't that in our genetic makeup, to work harder and want better for ourselves? at least if these folks live in America, this is the LAND OF OPPORTUNITY but you say because he had a child with some freakshow crazy baby momma that he shoulnd't have moved? BLATANTLY DISAGREE. If he wanted the kid, he could have fought for custody, joint custody, visitation rights etc. He sounds a lot like my husband, a big heart, beautiful, loving guy, but a PUSSY when it comes to women. He let the crazy BM run the show. That was his only mistake. OP: i'd get into court and get terms laid out for this crazy witch when she shows up. Possibly a restraining order against her to keep her away from you and him, only allowed near eachother to pick up and drop off. You should not have to put up with her crazy bullshit every day. Is it gonna affect the kid, YES, but its affecting him NOW too. so fuck it, let dad let her fuckin have it once and maybe she'll leave you alone. She's getting away with her behavior, so she keeps doing it. Put a stop to her once and for all. good luck!!!
So we've all established that
So we've all established that 'hes a bad dad' for moving away from his kid. But what really needs to be said here is that he needs to grow a back bone. Get a court order for visitation done as soon as her moving truck turns up, every single time she turns up at your door or does some thing that is not normal or legal, call the police in a heartbeat. Does he think its fair seeing his dad and SM's relationship suffer and having his mum going crazy on his dads proprty, you guys bending over for her is only encouraging her behaviour.And you're also showing to his kid that this behaviour is acceptable, she's his mum yes but she's not ruling your life nor your DH's.
Bring on the crazy, report it then get custody, BM can then go F off!
I, personally, do not think
I, personally, do not think that moving makes your DH a "bad father" as some other posters have indicated. I think if it put him in a better financial situation and allowed you to remove yourself from some of the crazy, its fine. As long as he gets a visitation plan established and supports his kids financially. I may need to expand my job search nationwide - and my DH supports that. He just says that he will need to return to court to modify his order if/when that happens.
^^^^yes, stepdoormat, i agree
^^^^yes, stepdoormat, i agree with you 100%....he's paying for the kid, and that's not enough for the crazy BM...now she's follwoing them across states. He needs a backbone, he's not a shitty father. Hell, i'll take him anyday over the father my kids got. just send me a check every month and we're good. where can I sign up for that for mine???