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DH over rides my parenting role with BD

gliegh's picture

Submitted by gliegh on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 4:00pm

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Adult Stepchildren

My DH of 14 years is upset with his SD choice with a guy she dated. She is trying to work things out with the guy. I disagreed with my husband trying to discipline/ control her by telling her the money we give her for room and board for college he no longer wants to give. We my DH and I solely support her in college and all her expenses that go with it. It is ruling my very close relationship with my daughter and my DH and are completely disagree. My BD and I are very upset. How do I approach my husband without threatening him or giving him an ultimatum?

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 4:07pm

First, is your money separate?
Second, do you work and actually contribute to your DD's expenses? (I ask because lately it seems lots of moms are letting their new men support their previous kids.)
Third, why isn't she working AT ALL to contribute to her living expenses?
Fourth, what about this guy does DH not like?
Fifth, does your "very close relationship" mean that you're more her friend than her parent? How old is she?

Honestly, if DD isn't making good choices, I think it makes all the sense in the world to cut off her funding. But I don't agree with fully funding adults, anyway.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 5:08pm

I would put it to him this way - the parents role is to prepare a child for the real world and at some point in time the child must leave home. Those fortunate enough to go to college on their parents dime can take a half way step which is where your girl is now. She's not responsible for room and board but she is responsible for her actions. Explain to "Daddy" that she's a big girl now. The reality is she can see whoever she pleases - its just a matter of whether or not she chooses to let you two know who that person is. Remind him that most children, being told they can't, want to do it even worse. Time and time again children are driven into the arms of bad boy/girl friends solely to prove to their parents they can't be controlled.

Like a shipbuilder there comes a time when the ship is shoved into the water to see if it floats, sinks or turns over. It's time for him to give the girl a shove. His job is done and he must demonstrate to her that he trusts her to do the right thing. Scary - you bet but inevitable and he can do it the easy way or the hard way but she will be independent.

End the plea with a question: Would he prefer that she keep the lines of communication open or that she lie about her activities?

gliegh's picture

Submitted by gliegh on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 5:40pm

Thanks for the comments about this situation. This guy that she is "trying to see if it could work" she was engaged to him he went to Afghanistan (he is in the military) came back to his base and cheated on her. She broke up and has been in counseling over this and during the xmas break she came home for the holidays and so did he. She lives in San Diego he lives in Hawaii. They were inseparable during the break and everyone has given there advise and my husband feels that they want to be together and so he (the guy) can help support her I explained to my husband college has nothing to do with her love life and all this does is force her to be with him or even worse have her drop out of college. My daughter is a very good student if is was different and her grades were not showing maturity I would not support her schooling. I feel my husband wants to manipulate her. While he explained this to both my daughter and this guy I said nothing because I didn't want to fight in front of them. He new before this talk I completely disagree with him. How do I approach my husband and help him understand this is not right but, also respect my husband and all he has done for my daughter. They have know each other for 14 years.
I do work full time
Our money is together
My daughter is 20

gliegh's picture

Submitted by gliegh on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 5:42pm

Thanks for the comments about this situation. This guy that she is "trying to see if it could work" she was engaged to him he went to Afghanistan (he is in the military) came back to his base and cheated on her. She broke up and has been in counseling over this and during the xmas break she came home for the holidays and so did he. She lives in San Diego he lives in Hawaii. They were inseparable during the break and everyone has given there advise and my husband feels that they want to be together and so he (the guy) can help support her I explained to my husband college has nothing to do with her love life and all this does is force her to be with him or even worse have her drop out of college. My daughter is a very good student if is was different and her grades were not showing maturity I would not support her schooling. I feel my husband wants to manipulate her. While he explained this to both my daughter and this guy I said nothing because I didn't want to fight in front of them. He new before this talk I completely disagree with him. How do I approach my husband and help him understand this is not right but, also respect my husband and all he has done for my daughter. They have know each other for 14 years.
I do work full time
Our money is together
My daughter is 20

gliegh's picture

Submitted by gliegh on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 5:46pm

Thanks for the comments about this situation. This guy that she is "trying to see if it could work" she was engaged to him he went to Afghanistan (he is in the military) came back to his base and cheated on her. She broke up and has been in counseling over this and during the xmas break she came home for the holidays and so did he. She lives in San Diego he lives in Hawaii. They were inseparable during the break and everyone has given there advise and my husband feels that they want to be together and so he (the guy) can help support her I explained to my husband college has nothing to do with her love life and all this does is force her to be with him or even worse have her drop out of college. My daughter is a very good student if is was different and her grades were not showing maturity I would not support her schooling. I feel my husband wants to manipulate her. While he explained this to both my daughter and this guy I said nothing because I didn't want to fight in front of them. He new before this talk I completely disagree with him. How do I approach my husband and help him understand this is not right but, also respect my husband and all he has done for my daughter. They have know each other for 14 years.
I do work full time
Our money is together
My daughter is 20

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Tue, 01/01/2013 - 8:51pm

The BF is a loser, CHEATED on her, and has harmed her emotionally to the point she's been in counseling.

I wouldn't support her, that's for damn sure. Tell her to take out a student loan or -gasp!- get a job. Grownups get to make their own choices. She wants to make her own choices. Time to grow up. Grown ups support themselves.

Sorry. When I have paid for college/expenses, I have done it on MY terms. SD decided she wanted to fail almost all of her classes. I stopped. She took a two year break because I wasn't going to fund her foolishness. Now she's working and going to school and paying for it on her own...and is straight A.

My DS18 is next up. I'll cover all of his expenses... unless and until he goes against me. Then he's on his own.