Need some guidance - not sure what to do!
This is my first entry here. I' m so happy to have found this site!
I'm 34, BF is 45. I have no kids of my own. We've been in a relationship for 4.5 years now, we've been living together for 2. SS is 13 and is, generally, a good boy. BM is not that bad but...
Here are the issues:
- BF has been separated for a bit over 6 years but is still not divorced! For comparison's sake; my marriage ended after his and I was divorced within months! In the beginning, he said he was still upset because he felt bad for his son, because his parents were no longer together. BM dumped him and, allegedly, the marriage had been over for years but BF just figured they'd stay together until SS turned 18 or something. Unhappily ever after! BM finally had enough and ended it. I think SS was 7 at the time.
- I entered the picture some 10 months after the separation (but did not meet BM and SS until 1 year later). Things still too fresh, then BM was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy. So at that time, he didn't want to file for divorce because of the cancer... Meanwhile, BM recovered from surgery, resumed smoking and drinking, and partying. She says she never wants to get married again, so no hurry on getting divorce from her.
- She spent a year recovering from cancer, traveling to Jamaica and Cuba, etc.
- BF wanted us to live together, I told him I wouldn't buy a house until he got divorced. He could not qualify for a mortgage because he filed for bankruptcy upon separation.
- Well, being all and love and stuff, I ended up eventually folding and we bought a house (in my name only)... No divorce proceeding, nothing started yet..
- The house has 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. It's a 1.5 storey. There are 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom upstairs. WE decided SS could have the ENTIRE SECOND FLOOR to him: bedroom, bathroom and his own "game room". I had no issues with this, but I'll get to this later.
- They have no separation agreement and custody is very informal. Basically, SS stays wherever he wants to stay, whenever. Sometimes he feels like being with dad on weekends, where he is allowed to play X box and do whatever he wants with no consequences.
- SS does not disrespect me but he disrespect his father, which drives me nuts. I have never seen him grounded or never hear the word " no" be said to him. He does not like eating, so daddy caters to him, pleads for him to eat as if he were a baby, even brings the food upstairs for him to eat in the comfort of his room while playing Call of Duty non-stop!
- SS decided that he needs more space so he took over the guest room on the main floor too! This is driving me NUTS. Now he has 3 bedrooms and his own bath? Oh, but he likes taking showers in OUR bathroom, and leaving clothes everywhere and not turning the fan on (so the bathroom is a steamy mess). I have talked to BF about this many times, started out nice but it's been almost 3 years and I don't have a decent guest bedroom, the "official" SS bedroom is a mess and the game room has plates of old food everywhere and empty cans of soda and gatorade strewn around. I refuse to clean up the mess.
Once in a while I lose my shit and ask him when he's getting a divorce, when is SS going to get his shit from the guest bedroom, when is BF going to stop bringing food upstairs (and not expecting at least that the stuff be brought back down with no garbage accumulating?). I am ok with SS sleeping downstairs, if that's what he wants, but PICK a bedroom and stick with it! I am ok with having the guest bedroom upstairs if it is indeed left alone!
BF does not have any balls to say anything because he's afraid SS will get mad at him and not come back again. He says that I am unfair and I am picking on his son and that IF I HAD ANY CHILDREN, I WOULD KNOW, but since I have none, I have no idea of what is like.
SS wants a $600 paintball gun, he gets it right away, the same day he asks, because he can't wait until Christmas or just hear "no", you cannot have a $600 paintball gun!! I know I am not a mom, but I have some common-sense and know that you can't say yes to everything, never discipline and expect to have a well-rounded adult later.
BF claimed at fist he didn't fie for divorce because of the cancer. BM was fine!! And she DUMPED him. Divorce is not going to break her heart! She is partying, had different boyfriends herself all along!
Then the next excuse was that he didn't have any money to get divorce. Well, I wouldn't either if I bought a $600 stupid toy for my spoiled son on demand, paid for his travel hockey and soccer, paid money to BM "informally", bought a $299 long board skate for SS again out of the blu, on demand, etc, etc, etc.
I am sorry this is too long, but I am getting tired. Now I snap at every little thing. BM makes the same money as BF. She also spoils the boy (he has an iPhone, he has iPod touch, he has a brand new laptop because his old one was 3 years old, God forbid), she buys him all this stuff and then cries poor to BF. She goes on trips, took the kid to France for 3 weeks in May and is to California in the summer, and then cries poor and asks for more money.
What do you think? What do you think of him yet not being divorced? Their relationship is not crazy, but they;re just comfortable. Meanwhile what are my rights? I want to have a baby now, but where do I stand in this? Is it unreasonable to expect that my SS respect my house? Am I being evil for losing my shit (in secret) every time I hear him using our shower and every time I open the door to one of his VARIOUS rooms? BF makes me sound like I'm an evil bitch. I don't know what to think!
Help? Thanks.
I'm sorry I couldn't get
I'm sorry I couldn't get passed the "BF has been separated for a bit over 6 years but is still not divorced!" Seriously?! WTF!! I have two words for you and two words only: RUN NOW!!! He has no interest in a divorce because he gets to have his cake and eat it too. I would seriously pull back and look at your life because you are wasting it on this man. And do not under any circumstances have a child with this man.
I wish you luck. Oh, and if your name is on that mortgage, throw him and his son out on their asses.
He's not going to get a
He's not going to get a divorce because you're already living with him. No need.
His son will continue taking over the house until it's ALL his unless your BF stops it NOW.
Frankly, I don't think he has the respect for you to do anything.
It's your house you make the
It's your house you make the rules. I can't harp on the whole he wasn't divorced when you met him thing cause neither was /is my SO but it was an agreement we made he'd do the divorce within 6 months of moving in or he'd be moving out. He couldn't afford a lawyer so he's pro se and I'm helping with the research and paperwork just making sure he fills out and does what he needs. His ex is dragging it out (she wants a vague parenting plan he wants his detailed, he wants 50/50 she agreed cause her lawyer said she'd lose if she tried for sole)
The difference, I was clear on my expectations and when the deadline started to get close I asked him if he had a place to live lined up, he knew I was serious and got things going.
He moved into my house when there's been issues with his kids (which isn't much thank goodness) I remind him of my rules and the kids of the "house rules" (read my rules)
Your gonna have to get your big girl panties on and be a bitch, it's like it is because you've accepted it like this, there are no consequences, he knows your just gonna bitch he'll tell you what a big meenie you are and you'll shut up for awhile. So what are YOU going to to do about it, nothing will change because there are no consequences. We teach people how to treat us, what have you been teaching him?
I'm sorry, but I also
I'm sorry, but I also couldn't get past the fact that you have spent FOUR AND A HALF YEARS in a relationship with a married man. Not only that, but after 2 1/2 years of dating a married man, you MOVED IN WITH HIM. WTF?!?
You made this life for yourself. You need to respect yourself before you can ask/expect others to respect you.
He is not going to divorce
He is not going to divorce until the kid is at least 18 and probably not then. His guilt is too deep. He's not going to discipline his kid - ever. See reason above. There is no cure to be found here or anywhere for that matter.
Remember bio-mothers die or for other reasons can't care for their children and they come to live with dad FULL TIME.
Do not have children with this man, in fact don't marry him. You would just be signing up for a lifetime of problems. Do not think for one second you're going to change him, that marriage will change him, that having more children will change him. Generally speaking men do not change while women change daily. There is nothing about his actions or attitudes which make me think he is an exception.
Tell him this was a mistake, you're sorry you should have known better, and that he will have to find another place to stay. He can continue to stay through the end of February but will have to live in his sons room upstairs.
You have a choice here - sign up for a lifetime of aggrivation made worse by marriage and subsequent children or a relatively short period of time, say one year, where you shed yourself of this error and go about finding a guy worth keeping - specifically one without children.
What are your rights? The
What are your rights? The house is YOURS. It's your right (always) to do what makes you happy. It's your right to leave this man to his wife & child & make a path for you that allows you peace & joy.
That is both your RIGHT & your RESPONSIBILITY.
The guy obviously has money to blow if he can pull $600 out of his ass on demand. He has the means to get his divorce. What he seems to be lacking is the WANT to.
Perhaps he's comfortable being married to one woman & living with another. It isn't good for his son. It sends a really confusing message. Obviously, it isn't good for you. It's holding you back from having the family you want to have, not to mention the lack of respect he's showing for the relationship he has with you.
Love yourself & respect yourself enough to show this man the door. Let him get his divorce in his time, & you press forward in finding happiness for yourself. You deserve a man who cares about your feelings. Clearly, he isn't thinking of his kid & he isn't thinking of you. You don't really want a family with a man who only thinks of himself anyway...do you?
I deserve to hear everything
I deserve to hear everything you ladies are telling me. It's confirming my thoughts. The thing is, BF tries to please everyone. He wants to keep everyone happy (whatever that means to him). In the meantime, he's on antidepressants, which makes me feel awful for him.
Yes, the house is in my name, so is the mortgage.
Thanks for the advice. It's helpful.
It doesn't sound, to me, like
It doesn't sound, to me, like he's making everyone happy. It sounds like he's doing what's convenient for him to do.
Giving his child ANYthing he DEMANDS is not going to create a happy child. Giving his child EVERYthing he wants is not going to create a happy child. Being married to the child's mother while living with another woman is not going to create a happy child, & clearly is not creating a happy girlfriend.
His child will be confused & probably angry at some point. His wife doesn't care, probably because as long as he's with you she isn't having to deal with his irresponsibility. He's thrilled because he gets away with being selfish.
That doesn't sound like a man out to help the people he loves feel good. He doesn't need pity because he's on antidepressants. I don't know all of his issues, but I would venture to say that if he'd take care of his unfinished business he'd feel better about his life.
Don't let pity for someone hold you back. He's a big boy. He can handle his business.
I truly beg of you to please,
I truly beg of you to please, please, please put YOURSELF FIRST. If this man is depressed enough to be on medication then I feel HE is the one who has who has gotten himself there, and there is absolutely nothing you will be able to do to "save" him. People change for themselves only. Not their spouses, girlfriends, parents, kids. They change for themselves. You would surely be setting yourself up for failure if you continue down this path with this spineless, selfish man.
Give him 30 days to get
Give him 30 days to get out.
Believe me you can do SO much better than this excuse for a man.
Ok, so I talked to him today.
Ok, so I talked to him today. Actually, I lost my shit on him while he was still in bed this morning. I told him he can get the house from me, if he qualifies for a mortgage. Otherwise, I'm putting it up for sale. I can't handle this house on my own, it has an unground pool, which I never wanted but we bought the house because he wanted the pool for him and his kid. I want nothing to do with this house.
He said he doesn't know why he never filed for divorce, he does not have an answer for me. But he will, he absolutely will (he said). I told him I heard this several times over the years coming from his mouth and nothing ever happened.
About SS's various rooms, he said he needs help from me with this because obviously he can't handle it on his own. WTF am I supposed to do? Parent his kid for him because he can't do it?? So now I am going to end up being the wicked stepmother.
He's upstairs right now (BF) cleaning up all of the rooms and moving SS's shit upstairs. Has been there since the talk this morning. He begged for a chance and suggested couple's counselling, he will book an appointment first thing tomorrow.
I am so heartbroken, I really really love him, but you are right, this is a waste of time if nothing changes.
Let's see how it goes.
If you've heard from him
If you've heard from him several times that he would divorce his wife and yet hasn't why do you believe (or do you) that he will since you got in this shit this morning? If he said it to appease you and you stayed before could it be you are teaching him that he can give you lip service, all calms down, and still NO DIVORCE?
When people show you who they are believe them. People talk all day long and for many reasons, especially when they want someone to stop ragging on them. They are just words if no action follows.
How long do you continue to love him and he doesn't even have the courtesy of not living with you while married or at the very least actively working to end the marriage? Only you can answer that and I hope you will choose to be truthful with the answer and not tell yourself a story to make it make sense.
I understand love can make us blind but you also have to love yourself and not settle for less than what you deserve. You cannot love him enough for the both of you and love does not always mean problems and issues go away.
The others posters here have all given you pretty sage advice, from experience and from probably watching someone they love go down this same disasterous (sp?) road. They are trying to save you from yourself, for what it's worth.
Please take some if not all of their advice. You are here because you wanted guidance and you have gotten quite a few suggestions and now have to do the work...IF you want to be happy (basing that on your expressed feelings of being unhappy).
Lastly, don't give him your house, that's doing way too much. Give him a deadline and when that time is up change your locks and security codes if you have a system installed. Put your home on the market if you can't afford to live there alone and move in your own time (when it sells or whatever alternatives).