How would you handle this situation?
Short back story. My DH and I got together when my SD was 2 yrs old. I had my son when she was 3 and my daughter when she was 7. SD lived with us part time (week on week off) as court ordered til she was 12. Found out she was pregnant at 13 and had baby just after she turned 14. Yes you read that right.
First she didnt even tell my husband he found out from someone else, when we asked her mom she said they had a scare but then a few months later well she actually was pregnant. WTH?? SO had that baby, she lived with her mom so she did it all leaving us completly out. My DH would give SD $ when he got paid but knew it made me mad, but since we didnt pay child support he thought he should help. Well we have only see baby #1, maybe a handful of times. Like when she wanted my dh to take her back and forth to school and day care stuff like that. Never comes over, calls or anything unless she needs something. Were like the plaque.
I heard she was pregnant again, asked dh he waslike I dont know. I looked her up on fb and hot damn she was. Told dh and he said why are you stalking her. I well think its crazy to find out from others your kid is pregnant again and not her. So I said ask her, he said no she will tell me when she wants to. Well hot damn she needed money, which I didnt give her. She wante 250 for car insurance, got a car with her tax money but didnt pay for car insurance. NO way red flags going off all over.
So zip to christmas she has had second baby, dont know name. I told husband we were going to give her 50 bucks, he was like we should give her the same we give our kids. I was like no we never see her or the kids, plus I said I would never give her money again it would be a gift. I was so mad. I feel I have disengaged from her but it really bothers me when he gives her money. We pool our funds but it burns my butt when he gives her money for her cable etc. I know she was living in low income housing before but I think she has moved, dont know where or why but I hate giving her money. Period. WE NEVER see them. Am I nutts?? Same goes for birthdays, baby shower all of that. For her baby shower she need a crib, then a mattress. Asked her where oh she got one. Just give me money NOPE
still burns me what qould you do????
april
Ok...my SD is 24, so not a
Ok...my SD is 24, so not a teen...but she has a 3 year old with one guy and is pregnant now with another guy...neither want anything to do with her. She is manipulative and uses her son to manipulate my DH to give her money...I don't agree with her lifestyle choices. She just got fired, smokes pot, is a compulsive shopper, bad mom...etc. She feels that her dad says no to her more since I have been in the picture...3 years...well maybe that is true because she use to come over every week for gas money and I did express my opinion about her to my DH. He is very defensive about her and it is causing issues with us right now. No you are not nuts...she only wants the green that you have not the relationship. I would say that no...don't give the cash, she is probably trying that with everyone and not payin for what she really needs. I would say if you want to help her, give her a pack of diapers or something she needs...but I think cash is a bad idea. In our case she asked everyone for cash...and she used it to get her hair and nails done...then didn't have rent
If you both work, separate
If you both work, separate your finances. Determine who pays what portion of the household expenses and have a joint account for that and that alone. The rest of the money that either of you has can be spent as chosen by that party. He doesn't have to justify what he does with his, you don't have to justify what you do with yours.
Rent/mortgage, electric, gas, water, trash etc; gifts for your children together, vacations, all that, gets split by you and your husband. If there's anything left in his check (or yours) after all the bills are paid, that is up to the discretion of the check earner.
Then disengage. This is not your child. These are not your grandchildren. Stop looking at her FB, stop asking about her. If someone starts to bring her up, stop them, say you'd prefer not to know. This includes your husband. Stop renting her space in your head.
You can't fix the kid. You can't fix the relationship between your husband and this kid and just let it go and stop stressing yourself out.
Funny, just today my
Funny, just today my husband's oldest daughter called and left a message. She has not wanted anything to do with him since she was a child, unless she wanted something. We have not heard from her in 2 1/2 years and when her boyfriend called a little over a year ago to tell us she had another baby, my husband could hear her cussing out the boyfriend for calling us. She, herself, never told us about the second baby.
I know she wants something. I told my husband I am not interested in anything she has to say nor am I interested in the baby. I am pretty sure after what my husband heard when the BF called, he is on the same page. He says he is going to call her back and let her know that he heard her in the background. I am sure she will come up with some excuse.
She is 24. I let my husband pay less than his share of the bills because he makes less and I want him to be able to have a savings account and I do not mind paying more. I will blow a gasket if he gives her a dime.
I will say, he knows her pretty well. She asked for money once for diapers for the first baby (who I adored but we don't get to see her anymore) and instead of cash, my husband actually took her some diapers. She never asked again! After all, you cannot smoke or drink diapers nor can you buy cigarettes, pot, or beer with them.
I have to admit that I am so
I have to admit that I am so happy that I am the one with the money. My DH let 2nd wife have EVERYTHING when she divorced him to go back to her first husband.
I get to make ALL financial decisions so do not have to watch trashy POS skids get rewarded for fucking with no birth control.
April, my DH and I have 7
April, my DH and I have 7 total kids- 3 his and 4 mine. At Christmas we decided years ago that adult children get a $100 budget that we spend for gifts while the ones still in school and under 18ish is considered a child and gets about $400 in gifts. Our children know this and accept it as no big deal. All the adult children have jobs and provide for themselves so we feel its not our job to keep it even. Every child gets 18 years of "Santa" after that they're an adult
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the replies, I guess I felt I had disengaged but I haven't. I resent the fact that she can drive right by our house but never stops. Only wnats the green. I think I will have a talk with my dh and tell him that I will expect a list of gifts and if I dont get it no gifts. I personally dont have a relationship with my husbands family, they stopped that years ago when my kids were little. They would talk about me right in front of my face and downtalk me. I said no way, I wasnt going to put myself or my kids thru that and I dont. We spend all holidays at my familys homes. If my dh goes to his then he goes alone, they dont buy gifts for us nor us them.
We do pool our income, my husband is a I want espn etc but he doesnt do the bills and it would be BAD if he did the bills. I control most of the money but he does the I need 30 dollar or I need 20 here and there.
CyndieMac I may do just that, she is an adult no gifts kids gifts. I have no clue where she lives etc, I know she lost her car to non payment. I hate to say it, no I dont she is just like her mom. Deceptive, defensive and she knows she is gehtto.
Thanks again
april
Thanks I feel like I am not
Thanks I feel like I am not just a stepmonster as I am portrayed.
april
So after talking to my dh
So after talking to my dh about how I was feeling he cliam, this is just how I am. I dont care that she doesnt call or comeover thats on her and if she doesnt want to I cant make her. But she still is my daughter. I saod well lets agree that no money just cuz she needs something, we will go buy what she needs diapers etc. his claim well if I dont have the time I will just deposit the money to her account. I dont get it, she doesnt come around period, barely talks to her and when he does its cuz she needs something. WHY cant I understand this, he says I one of the kind of people that expects something for doing something. Like iif she comes around I will give her money. I think one its respect she has never respected him period and he doesnt make her in my eyes. When she kinda lied to him about her first pregnancy that would have been it for me. I dont get it and I guess I want him to get a back bone and demand respect but he wont he still wants to give her birthday and christmas money. I feel like texting her or fb messaging her and saying look you want gifts you get me the list, no more money?????
ugh
april