talking about deceased wife in front of me
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At dinner last night the SDs brought up the marker for their mom at dinner they asked if my husband heard from the marker place and he had not and then it was not set and the younger one said did they approve what you wanted dad "together forever" on the plaque. (my husband will be cremated and put with her) I have told him I am not comfortable always hearing about her. He didn't say much I just think that is a conversation they can have when I am not around. Everyone at work says its wrong and I should have said something I was just caught off gaurd
Wait a minute. If your
Wait a minute.
If your husband dies before you, you have to have his remains placed with his first wife???? Why in the world did he remarry?
It would have to been better for him to live alone and just date until he's reunited with his first wife.
The agreement is that if he
The agreement is that if he passes before I do some of his ashes will stay with me the rest will be with his first wife the mother of his children. No I will not place his remains with her that is up to his daughters I want no part of it.
I was trapped we were at a
I was trapped we were at a restaurant when I could I made my husband get up and went to the bathroom. My husband knows I don't like hearing about her. I just zoned out. Some of the girls at work said I should have said this is not the time or place for this conversation wait until I am not around. His girls do not like the fact we are married their life changed they had to move out of the house when he sold it they were 26 and 23
You were utterly
You were utterly flabbergasted ~ it was a chin hanging moment.
My mother passed away n my father bought a double plot n he told us kids not to out his name on headstone bc he didn't know where he would be buried. It was not our decision as his children.
I will tell you my sm would grab me everytime I came home (3 hour drive with 3 small kids) she would want to discuss with me about after my father passed away where would she have to live since she was not on the deed of the house. I finally had to tell her ~ I will not speak of the demise of my father. I had just lost my mother ~ thought her topic with me was just rude. I understand chin hanging moments ~
It wasn't the time nor the place ~ sorry for you.
not jealous just don't think
not jealous just don't think I need to keep hearing about her. They had to wait for her to be put in the mausoleum until it was build
Did you two marry the day
Did you two marry the day after she died? The marked usually takes less than a month. How old are these children?
no we married 4 years late
no we married 4 years late they are 27 and 24
I don't mean to be rude when
I don't mean to be rude when I ask this but was this discussed BEFORE you were married? Hell no would I have said "I DO!" You're married to him NOW and you get HALF of his ashes???
HELL NO!!!
I'm sorry for what you're going through but this is way out of the norm for me!
I really am sorry for all
I really am sorry for all that you're going through; now that I know they're adults - this is what I would do - you and DH go buy YOUR plot and make sure the "together forever" is placed on it and then you can bury you and his ashes together. Then when this conversation comes back up with these morons, then you can say "hey guess what?"
You are magnificent. You did
You are magnificent. You did the right thing to keep quiet and zone out -- this first time. That gave you the chance to speak as one with your husband in future. Let DH know now that should these women raise the matter so much as once more they are calmly told that this is an inappropriate conversation to hold in front of their father's wife. By both of you.
agree that it was
agree that it was insensitive. i dislike it when the skids talk about their mother in front of me about the good times. like i care.
this woman used the cs money on herself and second husband. so much for a mothers love.
Maybe I am way off base, but
Maybe I am way off base, but why shouldn't the family be able to talk about their mother or ex wife? I know that my bf and his children have happy memories with "the ex" and I encourage them to feel comfortable basking in the good memories. Especially, when she is the same as dead....heroin addict. It seems like a few boundaries need to be reviewed and established. Honestly, I think you are setting yourself up for failure in believing that nobody will ever speak of his ex. If I were a child and my stepmom made a rule that I could not speak of my mother in her presence: I would not want to be in the stepmom's presence. I don't even know if I would give the stepmom a chance. I would resent you and I would probably mention her name as often as possible, just to show you that I love my mother and will speak of her....always. Just because she is dead, does not mean that your husband's or their children's love of that woman should be stifled. I wish you the best. Good luck.
"If I were a child and my
"If I were a child and my stepmom made a rule that I could not speak of my mother in her presence: I would not want to be in the stepmom's presence." I can understand being tolerant of a 'child' wanting to talk about their Mother whether she be deceased or not. But these women are NOT children. If they were in my presence, continually talking about their dead Mom or my DH's 'ex', and intimate circumstances of their birth parents' burial, I wouldn't want to be in their presence either. There's no need for 'rules' when mutual respect is practiced.
They can talk about their
They can talk about their life. I just don't think talking about something that is personal should be discussed in front of me. Their mom's stone is none of my business they have plenty of time to discuss this with their dad when I am not around. The discussion was not happy times and they had plenty of time to talk about this when I was not around. My husband walked them to see the back of the property I was not around. But In a resturant at dinner Really you would have been comfortable
I think you're off base BS.
I think you're off base BS. They weren't just making a casual reference to her. They were making a pointed reference to a matter that would normally only be discussed between children and father; even aunts and uncles might not be involved. It was incredibly personal. OP's posts do not give me the impression that she wants to stifle their general comments, just that she does not want to discuss intimacies on a headstone. Very different from people talking about their live mom who has a drug addiction therefore is still out there having various adventures that probably invite lively discussion by all the family.
it was rude. they children
it was rude. they children inferred that their fathers relationship with their mother is more important than the one with you. unforgivable.
You can't really blame his
You can't really blame his kids for thinking that.
This man is going to have his ashes divided between two women. On top of that he's going along with the together for ever craziness.
His plan infers that his first wife was his one true love. It's possible he has lead his kids believe he remarried because he doesn't want to be alone, not be because he's in love.
I married a widower also. If
I married a widower also. If my dh even insinuated that his ashes were to be divided between me and his deceased wife, I would feel very betrayed.
My grandmother was buried
My grandmother was buried next to my grandfather. They were married for 45 years. She remarried a year after he passed away. She married the high school sweetheart (he was 6years older) she was dating when she met my grandfather who was 2 years younger than my GM. My GM's family and SGFs were close friends for generations.
She passed away a month after her 90th birthday/20th anniversary to my step grandfather. There was some drama about where she should be buried. His family wanted her buried in their family plot on the opposite side of his plot than his first wife who had passed away 4 years before he and my grandmother married.
My mom and aunt buried him next to my grandfather and put a foot stone on her grave recognizing that she was also the wife of my step grandfather. He died 6mos after my grandmother when he was 96. Mom and my aunt put a matching footstone on his grave recognizing that he was my GM's husband. His family was not nearly as happy about that as they were about the footstone on my GM's grave.
The surviving spouse has a notable authority advantage on the disposition of a deceased spouse. In a blended family situation there needs to be an air tight Will to disposition where 2nd spouses go when they pass. If not then it can be a brutal situation. In my GMs case, there was no disposition in a will and she went where her children put her. Had my SGF not been so elderly it likely would have been a rather unpleasant situation.