My Christmas with the Steps....
We went to SD's on the 22nd. Here is how it went, DH arranged with SD that we would supply the turkey for dinner and we would bring BS over.
We didn’t arrive until 2:00ish.So when we arrive the turky was well on it’s way – almost done which is great since I said we should eat around 4:00 in order to have time to do presents and get the heck out of there.
All of a sudden SD comments on how she noticed we didn’t have any other food with us when we arrived – WTH??? We were supposed to do it all I guess. Heaven forbid the princess has to do ANYTHING! Holy crap. I would have walked out right out then and there if it were not for BS.
DH is oblivious – he is sitting right there and doesn’t get up to help. I felt very uncomfortable in this situation and merely stated, “I guess you and your dad must have a communication problem for something like this to happen”. I was not about to take any blame for this huge blunder. I was not involved in the plans at all.
Once we were about to serve she doesn’t want to bother with the gravy boat since it is at the back of a cupboard – really??? But, she pulls out this very valuable, delicate, antique serving dish for the beans which she promptly states was her grandma’s – DH’S late mom. I am almost sure that this dish came out of our cottage – that she helped herself to and just took it home.
I am sure she took it from our cottage because she feels entitled to anything that was dh’s moms or DH’S for that matter.
DH and I bought way too many gifts, against my better judgement. When SD opened her gifts from us she said thanks – just a general thank you which is fine. When she opened her boots, which was the most expensive gift she said “wow, THANKS DAD” looking at DH. He was sitting close to her and I was on the couch. I was not going to let this go by, since it has happened a few times in the past where she only thanks her dad for stuff WE buy her. I said quite loud so she could hear me” you mean, AND 20Years”. Well, she got a little huffy when she got called out on her rudeness and then said “Oh and thanks Dad for the PJ’s – there are technicalities to saying thank you’. What the heck, when you receive an expensive gift like that you do not exclude me by only saying thank you “DAD”. That was a very intentional comment and I stuck up for myself.
The truly hurtful thing is the ONE CHEAP GIFT I GOT, was labelled “to 20Years, From SGK1, SGK2, SGK3”. Not labelled to Grandma or Grandma 20years as was done in previous years. SD is definitely letting me know where I stand. I am NOT part of the family anymore. Well guess what, she is not part of MY FAMILY anymore either now.
As well, there was NOT ONE SINGLE GIFT for me labelled from SD and SD’S hubby. Unbelievable how rude and inconsiderate she can be – EVEN AT CHRISTMAS.
DH was in shock after this as he REALLY SAW her true colours. It was the perfect storm. DH expecting SD to be gracious and polite. Me, being gracious and polite in the face of her rudenes. We left early and couldn’t get out fast enough. I am glad this fiasco took place, as now there are no doubts in DH’s mind why I do not want to ever be with SD again!
Bingo!! "I think your SD has
Bingo!!
"I think your SD has been extremely rude to you for a very long time. I think your husband allowed her to think that he was very close to leaving you, so she took her gloves off. If he stays with you now, she'll have a very difficult time retracting her claws. Shame on your husband for including her in your marriage.. "
This is exactly what has happened. In the past 2 years DH and I had a lot of marital problems and he was going to SD to confide and seek advice. BIG MISTAKE which he said he now realizes. Shame on DH for ever betraying our marriage in that way. I am still not over it.
DH also said when we talked about xmas that SD is angry that I am taking her daddy away from her by moving away. I said that she has issues and probably could use some professional help to get over it. I also said, she is upset that she won't be able to be in DH's ear on a daily basis to interfere with our marriage.
Well it is time for DH to shit or get off the pot. Now that he admits and knows what is going on, he must man up and grow a pair.
The clock is ticking.
The reason they bury their
The reason they bury their head in these bosoms-is because these "ladies" tell them whatever it is they want to hear, they stroke the ego in the way that others would not.
My dh and I had some real talks over the holidays and it helped me more clearly see the light. When dh was upset with me, the people he ran to would be his family of origin. They would coddle him, tell him nothign was his fault, he didnt do anything wrong, he deserved better, and blah, blah, blah. They didnt like me so this was their opportunity to pour it on. And pour it on they did. If he were talking about me in a negative manner then he was REWARDED by these freaks by lots of attention, offers to do favors, actually did favors for him, he was the golden child, told how wonderful he was. The rest of the time? When he wasnt talking about me or our problems? He was shit. For real. They would go weeks and weeks without talking to him. Try to use him for money. Insult the both of us. He could not be in their good graces without disrespecting me. It was the only way he could have a "relationship" with his family of origin. At the very least he had to sit quietly while they ranted about me.
I had suspected this nonsense was going on for years-even knew of a few occassions that specific things were said, but had no idea until a few days ago how pervasive it was. I feel like dh and I had a major breakthrough that he finally not only sees it himself but willingly admitted it to me. When I asked why for the love of God did he allow this to go on for so many years-his response-"It's what I've always known. It's what I grew up with. It was hard to see and hard to break away from it" and "I always thought it would stop or get better".
These men of ours have been emotionally blackmailed and manipulated for years. It really is hard to get them to see that and harder to get them to do something about it.
Make sense - nonsense of
Make sense - nonsense of course, but I totally see how that can happen. It is just so automatic for some men to do that. They don't even realize the damage this can cause.
I am sure DH used to think SD was the only one who understood him and she always backed him up - whether or not he was right. This might have worked if she didn't start interfering with our marriage and raising of our BS. Then she started to try to run our household and convince DH that I don't know what i am doing in anything.
Duh.....I was the one that helped DH raise HER not the other way around.
"Wow, your case is so similar
"Wow, your case is so similar to many of ours. It begs the question... do you really think your husband just opened his eyes, or do you think her behavior finally became so rude that he could honestly no longer make excuses for it?"
I think he knew she was always rude to me but it was always just under the radar and passive agressive enough to go either way. When it becomes desperate and blatant they can no longer deny the reality of it.
She did me a huge favour by being the bitch she always has been. The difference this time is it was too obvious for anyone to misinterpret.
She is going to lose a part of her daddy. He will teeter totter back and forth but it will be a bumpy ride for both of them. I will not participate however.
Thanks again for your support SA. It is so helpful to hear from other SM's who have similar problems and how they resolved them for inner peace.
The first thing my OSD30 did
The first thing my OSD30 did this visit, was ask him how our marriage is going.
Wow, just wow. Is she married? If so, I would have said, my marriage is fine but I've heard that your marriage is on its last legs what with your husband fooling around the way he does". Then I would have looked distressed and said "oh dear, I've said too much" and clammed up. Let the beotch think about who is spreading gossip.
It took 13 years for my H to
It took 13 years for my H to see how his kids treated me. He has 1 son (40ish) and his wife have never bought me a present EVER, and yes, it hurt. Last year they bought my H an expensive ladder and me nothing. H returned the ladder to his son with a letter that stated he couldn't accept any gifts if him and his wife couldn't accept and acknowledge me as well. My H grew a pair (or he borrowed mine!) He got alot of flack from his other kids for doing this and of course, I was blamed.
You are correct. After all our bitching our Hs finally see how we're being treated. To get my point across, I gave my husband 2 golf balls a couple years. He got the message very clearly.
LMAO!!! You go girl!!! And
LMAO!!! You go girl!!!
And kudos to your hubby for attaching those "balls" to the appropriate area they SHOULD have been all along!!!
Its plain and simple respect.
Its plain and simple respect. It has to be learened at a early age. Rather you like someone or not you show respect. You don't leave someone out just for meanness. If you don't have nice things to say, say nothing at all. Treat people as you would want to be treated. Thats a problem with children today reguaredless of who they live with they don't get thought respect. I would beat the shit out of my 2 Biodaughter and my ss if I caught them acting like most of the skids on this site and it wouldn't matter to me how old they are or who witnessed it. I raised my 2 bio girls by my self. With no help at all ever. So they knew from the get go that I wouldn't put up with it. When DH and I started getting ss EOW at 18 months old (DH didn't know he had a son till ss was 18 months old). We catered to ss. When we got him full time we relized that was a big mistake. Because ss had zero discpline from BM. (that was when ss was 3 yrs old) Now ss is 8 yrs old and over all he is good but some things we still have to reinforce, like saying thank you. I beleive it starts at home. You can't be a relaxed parent. You can't wear blinders and think that the problems are going to sovle them selves.
sd20 is the same way with
sd20 is the same way with only thanking fdh for things she knows damn well i played a part in, even things she knows damn well i did completely by myself. disengagement is wonderful. i don't do a damn thing for that bitch anymore, so when she thanks fdh, it really is only him she needs to thank! }:)
^^^ me, too! in fact, i also
^^^ me, too! in fact, i also told DH to tell them i will not accept any gifts from them anymore. it's wonderful not to have to thank them for their cheap, little gifts after spending a fortune on them.
I like that. Not accepting
I like that. Not accepting any gifts too! Where the hell do they get off thinking we want some cheap garbage as a gift.
I honestly was in shock for a few days after that day. I am starting to get over it now, and have learned a valuable lesson. NEVER AGAIN!