I don't like my step-son
I am frustrated. I do not like my step-son. I have tried. Sincerely tried and I keep trying but it is so hard to like him. He is 13yo, came to live with us 6 months ago, he was 12yo then. He was sent to live with us because of unacceptable behaviors at his mother's house. He has twice put his hands on her in anger. At first, things were fine, honeymoon period. Things started escalating, in-school and after-school detentions for blatant defiance at school, yelling at teachers, students and priciples as well as total disregard for school bus safety. Our home was turned completely upside down. He cries, yes CRIES over everything from having to do his homework to having to clean his room. He whines when he doesn't get his way. He has stolen money from a school fundraiser and most recently, my biological 5yo daughter. He has "run away" (for 30 mins, then came back home) and called the law on us for making him rake the yard as a consequence for his unacceptable behaviors and poor choices. He tells my daughter and us all the time how he hates being here, how we are all mean to him and this is NOT his home. Naturally, this upsets my daugher. Since his being here, my 5yo seems to be regressing. The tantrums we had been able to stop with her are back. The back talking has escalated. He is flat out mean to her. She tries to engage with him, talk to him, play with him but he wants nothing to do with her. We have issues with him spazzing out ANYTIME she touches anything of his (right down to a gluestick that he bent her hand backwards to get). She asks him first but is always told no by him. Always. No matter what the request, the answer is no, yet helps himself to any and everything that belongs to her. We recently brought to his attention that he is not treating her so well. Now, according to both him and his mother, we are expecting too much out of a 13yo. Sh accuses us of expecting him to develop an emotional attatchment to "a little girl her has known for 6 months". We have never told him he has to love her. We have never told him he has to LIKE her. We do, however, expect him to be respectful to people inside our home. This is expecting too much. We need to teach the 5yo to conform to him. We should not and cannot expect him to conform to our house rules. Have I mentioned that nothing is his fault? Yep, her him and his mama, it is always someone else's fault. He acts out in anger? Should not have made him mad. All "accidents" are always "I didnt mean to". My 5yo has started asking why he is so mean to her. Why he won't ever let her touch his things yet helps himself to hers. He says it is because all his things are breakable, not all of them are...and she has never broken anything of his. He will leave his stuff out everywhere then COW OUT if she touches it. I am at a point where I truly don't want him here anymore. We are moving bedrooms around to get the 5yo and 13yo as far away from one another as possible....and my once happy home is no longer so happy. How does one make themself like someone they don't?
We also have massive issues
We also have massive issues with him trying to be her parent. If she wants to playing a game on MY aunt's Wii, she can't, she isn't old enough, the game box says so (Mario Cart), if she is playing with something he tells her to stop, regardless what it is. As all 5yo are imaginative, he does his damndest to squash that. When she is speaking to my or my husband, HE answers for us. We currently have him seeing a counselor once a week who is of the opinion that he is a stubborn, hard headed teenage boy who acts like a 5yo himself. Per his mother, we need to find a different therapist. (She has a master's in psychology herself). Makes me wanna pull my hair out. I can honestly say I am not looking forward to Christmas this year. I don't like taking him places as he is very rude. I don't know, I am ramblng. Just feeling lost.
The boy has serious
The boy has serious psychological problems which are not likely to get better but quite the opposite as puberty completes its work. I don't see any advantage to the boy by living with you as opposed to mother. I.e. nothing is going to happen at your home that can't happen at his mothers. Counseling, consequences, etc. etc.
I'd tell his father than the experiment is over, no improvement is noted, so its time to get the kid away from your daughter before he seriously hurts her. Tell him either he goes or you go as you've got to consider your own child. If necessary do it by renting an apartment January 1st.
BM could no handle him under
BM could no handle him under her nose, now she is giving instructions to you two how to handle him. Intresting.
He can't be bothered playing with a 5 year old I get that. He shouldnt be anyway, and BM is right, he's not going to form an attachment with her, but she has a cheek saying it, because she had problems with him that she could not handle to the point she sent him to dad, so the 5 year old is not his issue is it.
The boy needs professional help. Someone needs to get it for him, and he would be better off a mums away from the 5 year old because it's likely she will learn some not so nice behaviours from him anyway. Then youll finish up with two kids needing help.
That's classic that bm has a
That's classic that bm has a master's in psychology and has a fucked up kid. It's like a teacher whose kid is failing...
The kid is angry. He's not been disciplined and loved like he needed and now he is acting out. I agree that he needs a different therapist.
This brat sounds like
This brat sounds like nightmare! What is his father doing in all this to try and discipline this kid? He is openly bullying your 5 year old and that is totally unacceptable. It's understandable that he may not want to play with her, but he seems to get satisfaction out of bullying and upsetting her. The least he can do is show her some kindness and respect, and if he doesn't want her near his prized posessions, then he needs to tidy up after himself so they're not left lying around. He sounds a bit like my ss16, who is also a selfish bully who helps himself to his younger brothers stuff when he likes but goes mental if they dare to touch anything of his. But at least my dh does something about it, otherwise we may have ended up with a monster who is as bad as your ss. It sounds like the kid has some serious emotional issues and anger problems, and if he's allowed to carry on like this he will probably end up in jail. You said he's having counselling but it doesn't sound like it's helping much, and I would be looking for other sources of help to try and get him on the right track before it's too late. If your dh isn't parenting the kid properly, then you either need to insist that ss goes back to bm so she can deal with the monster she created, or you need to take your 5 year old and leave him and his brat to it. Your little one does not deserve to live like this and it is obviously affecting her aleady.
The reason there has not been
The reason there has not been any reply from me until now is this is the first time I have had to get back on the PC and check this.
Husband is heavily involved. He does not turn a blind eye to what is going on. There are therapy sessions, consequences at home, consequences at school. Husband and I are CONSTANTLY talking, weighing options, trying different things, seeing the results and then moving on to something else. As for WHY I am "forcing" a brother/sister "relationship" on him? I am not. Again, have never told him he has to love or even LIKE her but I do expect a 13yo to know how to treat people, of any age, with respect. he has a 5yo (two days younger than my daughter) sister, who he HATED when his mother was pregnant with her, yet plays with and dotes on now. I get it, she is his blood. I don't expect him to just "eat up" my biological daughter but I also don't expect what he is doing.
As for where was I when her hand was bent backwards? I had gone to use the restroom.
The entire family states it has always been well known that the BioMom favors this child over her others. I do feel he has a lack of emotional and social skills and that is something husband and I are working very hard to correct. When it comes to poor choices and behaviors in school, BioMom backs us. When it comes to disrespect towards anyone within the household, she always believes he is being picked on. I just cannot wrap my head around how expecting a 13yo to NOT be mean is expeting too much.
I explain to my daughter that he is older, has different interests, that he doesn't like his things touched. It is getting her to undestand why he does not give her the same courtesy. We should not have to make the 5yo conform to the 13yo's skewed view of social and familial respects.
I don't feel she should be
I don't feel she should be involved in what's happening in our household either. She gets her information straight from the horse's mouth when he calls her to "tell on us". She then forms her opinions and let the attacking beging.
He is always afraid we are going to stop allowing him to speak to his mother. That is NOT how I roll. Even if it does cause problems here, how do you tell a child he cannot speak to his mother.
Okay, um, personally, his
Okay, um, personally, his reactions are way out of line... BUT I think it's high time you stopped your daughter from touching his things and trying to play/talk to. him. If you can't stop a dog from biting, you need to stop going near it. Or you need to get rid of the dog, which as of now you can't.
If you can't control him, it's important you control your daughter so that she does not get the brunt of the attack, anything else would be irresponsible. I get it hurts you that he's so mean to your daughter, and you wish he could be nice to her and share--if it isn't possible, as we have seen, the next best thing is to keep your daughter away, not let her get hurt over and over again hoping for a change in him, because it isn't going to happen. And if you keep trying (not saying you are at the moment) to force him to share, then chances are he's going to get worse. Some people don't like their things touched, my sister was one of them, so was my cousin, instead of punishing my sister and cousin for crying and yelling at me when I touched their things, they taught me to not touch their things and leave them alone. It prevented problems, instead of trying to find a solution to one that already occured, i.e. the yelling and fights.
This is just my opinion, of course. The priority is for your daughter to be safe, and if she was around a dangerous dog that can't be reasoned with, you wouldn't smack the dog after she touched it and bit her, you'd tell her not to touch it in the first place. Then make sure she is never around the dog again.
We have implimented a
We have implimented a standing rule in the house now that they are never to be alone together. One of us has to bep resent at all times now.
We have rearranged bedrooms to have them as physically far apart as possible.
As for the sharing aspect, she does not go into his room to get his things. I should have clarified, I am sorry for that. What I am speaking about are the items that he decides to leave all over the house, after repeatedly being told to put them up if he does not want anyone to touch them. Is it wrong to expect a 13yo to put the things he doesn't want touched away in his room? Our view point, if you leave things lying all over the house, you are giving people access to them. Access that HE claims he does not want her having. She does ask if she wants to play on any of his "breakable" items, such as his DS. She is always told no. She accepts that. What she doesn't, and shouldn't have to accept is being told no by him yet finding him helping himself to her ipod touch or various other items.
His helping himself to other's things does not apply solely to the 5yo. We have had to stay vigilant at reminding him the PC is not his and he needs to ask. When we find him using something of someone else's that he did not ask permission for, we make him stop using it.
He has now been told the next time he puts his hands on ANYONE in this house that we will handle it in the same manner he chose to handle it when he called the cops on us for making him rake. We will involve the police and charge him with assault. The officers that came out when he called gave us, in front of him, advice on how to go to court and file "beyond parental control", so he is well aware of what can come of behaviors.
Yes, he is angry. He is sad. It is a huge adjustment for him coming to live with us as he has lived with his mother his entire life. One can only give so much leeway however. I do honestly feel for him for what he has been through yet it does not excuse meaness. I get it that he apparantely has been taught unacceptable coping mechanisms and social skills yet it is very hard to re-wire what has bee wired, espcecially when, in his eyes (and I understand this as well), BioMom is always right, even when we can show the times where she isn't. Example: she claims he has permanent hearing loss from ear infections. We have taken him to numerous ear doctors as well as GPs who ALL say his hearing is perfectly fine. Yet he and his mother will argue with you that all those docs are wrong. (we have this over many "health" related issues, his eyes, his ears and too many others to name)
Any advice on how to stop or
Any advice on how to stop or curb him from acting as the 5yo's parent? (see first post)
Sadly, that too is a "bad habit" we are trying to re-wire as he was constantly put in charge of his 5yo sister while his mother napped or ran errands, step-dad refused to watch the 5yo.