Step Mom To Be - Going to Lose my Mind
Hello, I hope this is the right category because I didn't see a step mom category. It says there is where stepparents come to vent so I'm glad I found the right place. I'm about to lose my mind. I live with my fiance and his 12 year old son (the mother is not in the picture and was not good to her son, lied to him, moved out of state, broke promises etc) so she was pretty detrimental to him. The father has full physical and legal custody.
The child has a learning disability and ADHD but I can see the father is most of the reason the kid acts as he does and its making me rethink my entire relationship with him. The kid acts his age around me, for example getting ready for school in the morning he can tie his shoes, brush his hair, dry himself off etc BUT my fiance (his dad) will literally turn off and on the shower water for his son, dry him off, brush his hair, tie his shoes, get his clothes and underwear out, hold his hand in all stores (even from the driveway to the house which is only a few feet), if the kid walks more than 2 feet in front of him he will tell him to come closer, cuts up his food, it's complete craziness in my mind. Am I right? When I gently brought it up to him he gets defensive and uses the excuse "Well he has a learning disability", the of course gets upset with me. I love the kid, I treat the kid like my own and try to teach life lessons sometimes (example, always taking his dad's dinner or candy when he has his own) but of course in that situation my fiance will get upset with me saying he wanted to share with his son but I get mad and tell him he's not allowed. OMG!! I'm not telling him he's not allowed to share with his son, I'm just teaching life lessons here. The kid has no friends and an only child and I feel is very isolated but the father doesn't encourage frienships or anything. Am I being irrational here?!
The kid will not go to sleep without us going to sleep at the same time so instead of teaching the kid to go upstairs to sleep, we give in to the kids demands as he always does. The kid completely controls his life. The kid and I have a good relationship, he says he loves me etc but when the kid sees the father get upset with me when I try to teach a lesson, he sees dad yell at me then I'm the mean one. I mean come on!!
He keeps using the excuse he has a learning disability but again, you still need to teach kids things right?! Learning disability or not and the kid is much smarter than he gives him credit for like I said he can get ready himself 100% when I get him ready but acts like a baby when its dad's turn.
The kid was even sleeping in dad's bed up until a few months ago! The punishments dad threatens never follow through. I'm just so fed up at this point and need some advice. Am I over reacting?
You are not overreacting at
You are not overreacting at all. Do NOT marry him until he gets help. My first suggestion to him would be to talk to the teachers at school. He should have a regular classroom teacher(s) and special ed. They know him better than anyone, because they will know what he should/should not be capable of. Learning disability means average/normal IQ. He should be able to EVERYTHING a regular 12 yr old can do. But he needs to hear it from his teacher because he's not going to believe you. Then he needs to figure out how to implement a serious crash course for his son on all the things he should already know. He is handicapping him. Often parents who are insecure do this to their children because it ensures that their child will always need them and be dependent on them. If your fiance refuses to budge on this, do NOT get married. I can't even imagine living this...
Sueu2, I do not make him feel
Sueu2, I do not make him feel he is doing a terrible job. Did you read the entire post? I didn't come in telling them anything, what am I supposed to do, sit here and say nothing ever? I never tell anyone how to live but when a 12 year old can't even dry himself off without dad's help, come on that's a problem. Do you know this is the board where step parents come to vent? I think you might be on the wrong boards sweetheart. I don't dislike my situation, I'm just venting - as what these boards are for.
He told me he wants my
He told me he wants my opinions and wants me to act like a mother to his son since his son never really had a mother and encourages it. He doesn't always get upset but at times but after some time has passed he always talks to me openly and says I'm right and make changes. I don't understand why people that don't really need to vent and only want to put others down are on these boards in the first place.
Another thing that frustrates
Another thing that frustrates me and no I didn't tell anyone this but the kid has a set bedtime 1030 and when the kid does something he should do anyway like clean up his toys or do homework, the dad will reward him and say he has an extra half hour before bed which turns into going to sleep at 2am.
I guess I'm unclear on what
I guess I'm unclear on what "learning disability" means in this situation because helping the kid basically shower, drying him off, setting out clothes for him, brush his hair and tie his shoes.... I mean, that's something a 12 year old only can't do if you're talking severe Downs or some other genetic or trauma based Developmental delay - not a 'learning disability' which to me generally means like ADD or dyslexia...
If this child isn't Developmentally delayed... wow this man is being one crappy parent and you should be VERY concerned about moving forward with a relationship. It doesn't sound like you have children of your own - do you want them? Do you want them with a man that parents like this? Cause I sure a heck wouldn't be able to deal with that.
I get what Sue is saying... and I get that this is a place to vent.
If he's asked for your opinions, you aren't doing anything wrong, but talk is cheap, he is showing you that he very much does Not want your opinion about his parenting or his son. He doesn't want a "mother" for his kid, he wants a fairy godmother that magically cooks, cleans and cares while magically smiling with benevolence upon the whole scene, with the wave of a fairy wand making it all perfect and knowing, deep in your fairy heart, that King Father knows best.
He needs to make up his mind about what he actually wants and then deal with the consequences of that decision cause last I checked, fairy mother isn't int he list of choices. Then you need to make up your mind about what you're willing to live with. And consider carefully. People rarely change. People in step situations seem to change even More rarely. If you get married to this man it will be harder to get out later if you decide you can't live with this. If you have kids, this is likely how he will treat your children, Particularly if you don't stay together.
The best question I have found put to someone having questions about a relationship is this - If this is as good as it gets, if NOTHING changes, are you willing to live with this, like this for the next 50 years?
Cause remember - there's a learning disability. Daddy will not be okay with making Jr. find a job or move out when he's 20, or 30 or 40. He has a learning disability and you wanting Jr to move on with life, even if you love him like your own, means that you are a cruel heartless step-witch and you're just jealous of his close relationship and special love with his child.
Drying the kid off at 12??? I would have been Mortified... so again, I wonder, what the heck kind of learning disability is this?
The kid has a learning
The kid has a learning disability in school, the kid does not have down syndrome or autism. To be honest, I don't even think the kid has a learning disability.
I am not fed up nor did I
I am not fed up nor did I ever say I was. Sue you must be psychic to know all about my life in a couple posts lol. Do you understand this is a board to vent? Do you understand what that means? People vent!
Thank-you Old Hag and
Thank-you Old Hag and everyone else that was respectful, for the replies. I have gently said to dad that he can do it on his own and the kid even says sometimes, I can do it (usually not) but sometimes he says that, but dad just does it anyway saying he doesn't want to be late for school. My thinking, just get up at 730 instead of 755 when you have to leave at 8am!! Tonight when I was gently talking to dad about it, he kept saying "Well he has a learning disability", he says that for almost anytime the kid acts up but at 12 years old he does understand he needs to do these things on his own but sees dad does it for him so he let's him. The child even has an IEP at school for his learning disability and I feel some things in it hold him back. For example, he has to write sentences and use 8 words and he can do it himself but instead (due to his IEP) they just say try as best you can (which in my opinion is holding him back) because he will write a 3 word sentence when I have seen him do more. Dad will even tell him the sentences he is supposed to come up with on his own. And (and yes sorry I'm venting on a venting board!!) but the child will have to read a story, he will go in the other room for 30 seconds and come back and say he's done and dad will say ok. I then ask the child to tell me what the story was about and of course, he didn't even read it. Does dad really not realize this or what?! Dad was even numbering his alphabetical order for him, so yea the kid did it "on his own" but dad gave him the order. And again, no negativity and if you want to say that is just your opinion, then don't message in this thread because again, this is where you come to vent. All that said we are in a healthy relationship and I love them both very much, again its a venting board.