Disrespectful step-daughter
I was a child with a step-father, now an adult to a step-daughter. I've known Brooke since she was nine years old; now just turned 20 years old. In her younger years she very much tested my buttons. One example, I was baking in the kitchen one day and she put a picture directly in front of my face on the counter. It was a picture of herself, her mother, and her father (whom I was dating at the time). I told her it was a very nice picture, but knowing what her intentions were, it hurt me and at the same time made me wonder what the heck I was doing there. It made me look back at the experiences I had with my own step-father and I felt for her. She had dreams of her parents getting back together or of them remaining by themselves, with her in the middle somewhere; when you're that age, you don't think of others' happiness but your own.
My step-daughter has went back and forth from our home to her mom's home since. Then, when she was about 16 years old, she remained with her mother while I paid the family health insurance after husband and I married. This was something my husband told me I didn't have to do for her, but I wanted to. It went without being recogonized. Along with shopping trips, family vacations, etc.
Now she is 20 years old and she asked me if she could move in with myself and her dad (because my husband told her she had to ask me); of course my answer was yes, under one condition, #1 rule (and only rule I had set forth) was communication. I communicated to her that living in a house with people and silence in my own home was not healthy. She agreed and then we didn't hear from her for two weeks until the night before she wanted to move in. To me, this is complete dis-communication. Now, tonight when we get home from dinner she is not here. No note, no email, not even a text.
All she has done since she's been here is watch T.V. and play on the computer, even after she talked all about doing things around the house to help out the family. What really hurt was her cousin told me tonight that she doesn't really like me or has never liked me. It really made me confused because what Brooke has said to my face and what she has told others is a complete contrast. Her cousin that told me some things tonight wanted my step-dauther to move in with her at first, but then recanted because she said she could be such a "snot."
I'm not one to create waves. People that know me tell me I am a genuine, giving, heartfelt person. I am very torn of what to say because my step-daughter is sensitive, just as I am. I feel her and I have gone through some similar situations, but we are very different people. Not real sure how to approach her without her making it my issue. Need some healthy advice please...
Where doaes your sister live?
Where doaes your sister live? In the America's she could not legally be the wife if he has not gotten a divorce.
SORRY , My reply came up on
SORRY , My reply came up on the wrong post. Think I better have that first cup of morning coffee before I continue reading any more posts!
Don't do anything more for
Don't do anything more for SD. She is a big girl now. Lower your expectations if you can. As long as she is not rude to your face I would ignore her.
She is adjusting too to living with you and you DH. Also, was this an open ended invitation to live there? Is she supposed to be looking for a job or going to school? I would definitely review these type of conditions and reiterate them.
As far as communication goes, what exactly were you expecting? Common courtesy would be to inform you of her comings and going in your house and you could mention that to her. Not as a SM but as another adult living there. It is your house and explain to her you need to know when she will be in and out so you don't jump every time you hear noises or something like that.
Don't expect any gratitude or friendly company, she probably resents you and it may never go away. My SD will never get over her resentment and I no longer care.
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I agree, I think I may have to lower my expectations of her. Actually, I know I have to.
The condition of her living here with us is she is supposed to return to college again in January. She quit after her first semester last year at a school about four hours from home here. Now she wants to go away to school again, but myself and DH agree that she should stay home and attend community college here since it didn't work out the first time. I say this because I think that's what's best for her, not necessarily for myself.
I guess more common courtesy was the correct word I was looking for. Just like living with another adult like you mentioned. My intuition tells me that she doesn't "communicate" with me on purpose and I drive myself nuts thinking I'm just being paranoid. As if whatever would make me more comfortable, she's going to do the complete opposite. To me, I don't even understand why she would want to live with someone she doesn't even like...I did try and talk to her about at least leaving a note or text. She completely disregarded what I said and asked where her dad was.
My sister told me the exact thing last night. You need to learn to accept that she just isn't interested in knowing you as a person no matter what you do.
Agree 100% - you can't force
Agree 100% - you can't force skids to love you. You can't persuade them to love you. You can't bribe them to love you. You can't expect them to love you for the sake of common decency. In almost all cases, there never is a step-parent to step-kid bond. This is also true for step-father's such as myself. There is always an undercurrent of resentment that I even exist, and often there is outright hostility. Although I tried hard for many years, I ceased caring a long time ago.
Thank you for reading my
Thank you for reading my post.
I have to learn to accept that we will never have the relationship I feel could be there. I often find myself saying over and over, "Busybee, you're a sucker!"
I have a good relationship with my SD now, but I always had resentment against him for "taking" my mom away from me when I was a kid. I should know that I can't make her love me, but it still hurts.
I go back and forth; one minute saying I'm not going to give up, and the next I say I've had enough. I feel that she does love to test me so she can one day say, I told you so.
I guess I was hoping that
I guess I was hoping that things would be different this time around. That's what my SD made me to believe when we had a heart-to-heart about everything. She made me believe she had grown and matured over the years. The communication idea was to not be ghosts passing by. It's incredibly uncomfortable.
I completely agree that there is a natural competition within a SD, SM relationship..It just sucks! I didn't actually get along with my SD until my mother left us and neither of us had anyone else except for each other. So yes, very different. I guess I had dreams of changing the order of things... One can dream I guess...
Thank you for replying and shedding more light. I am keeping the quotes you versed as reminders....Anymore advice is greatly appreciated.
My SD 18 only "warms up" when
My SD 18 only "warms up" when she wants something. She will call and act as if she wants to make things better..sound familiar?? I got burned this last week..SUCKED into her game. She wanted to come over and wash her laundry, shower, borrow some board games for her bf house and use our Bissell to clean her BF carpet and sofas. I agreed...hoping to maybe talk with her and come to some peace so that we can enjoy TIME and the upcoming holdays without stress. What does she do..I come around the corner into my kitchen and find her loading up WalMart bags of food from my pantry...Shampoo, Conditioner,...3 bags full of food and stuff. I have to say here that I have ALWAYS told them that they could take what they needed as long as they asked. I actually love doing that as a MOM. But SNEAKING..WTH...It wasnt even for her college dorm apartment(which sits empty most day) but it was for her BF house becasue he is a loser and has No job, no hot water....NOT MY PROBLEM!! I tried to be as chill as possible that SHE NEEDED TO JUST ASK..but was inwardly fuming!! Trying to keep the peace is HARD..and quite often pointless!! Before she left, she asked if I had seen her little platic box with meds (need I say whet it was). I told her I had not. After all...she DOES NOT live her....she lives 45 minutes away and is only in town to co-habitate with her felon 22 yo BF. It coudl be in her car, at his house, at her college dorm...NNNNOOOO...she has to accuse me of taking her meds..her birth control ,meds!! Well, I have to assume that is what it was as she would not tell me...but who is she kidding??? She asked me 3 times "ARE YOU SURE???? before I became somehwat unglued and told her that she will not be allowed to disrespect me in MY house. After all, that is why she moved to her Aunts in ten middle of her senior year...to be free of the tyrant who actually had decent expectation and would not put up with her crap. She WOULD NOT work and was completely disprespectful (ALWAYS. I did not want her to go, but my husband felt it was best as it WAS affecting our marriage DANG RIGHT!!! And, OH BOY...did she play him like a fiddle...which she still tries to do ! If he would have stood up to her EVEN ONCE and told her it was not OK to talk to me or treat me that way..After raising her for NINE years!@! I got a text (usually her only means of communication with me) from her last night that I am her problem and that I do not deserve respect from anybody....basically that I am a NOTHING!! I actually have turned OFF with this young lady...but quite stupidly forget just how bitter and angry and spiteful she is!! At least if she doesnt hear what she wants!! When she returned the games and the Bissell she was also mad becasue she was in a hurry to drive back to school (45 miles away) and did not feel she had the time to put the Bissell or the games back where they belong.I TOLD HER SHE NEEDED TO!! And now, I am back to being the STEP MONSTER AGAIN..untrustworth, selfish, unreasonable person that I am. Too bad she forgets that I actually left my teaching carreer and decided to be a full tiem mom when I married her dad. A FT mom to her and her 4 siblings. OF MY OWN CHOICE...such ungratefullness!!
You are bang on the money
You are bang on the money Shouldi! She is a brat, and there is nothing that can be done about it!
On a side note about your stepmother... I hope you tell her how appreciative you are of her sticking by you despite all the trouble she must have had.
That is one thing, I too try to tell my stepmother... My mother and my stepmother raised me... my dad was there, but the truth is rarely got his hands too dirty raising me. I put these women through hell and I love them for being there on the other side of it when it was over.
Could you tell us more about
Could you tell us more about your relationship with your SM: how bad it was, what made you see her in a new light, how close it is now. Do you have siblings? Step-siblings? Does she get along with your mother? How old were you when she came into your life?
Thank you, Shouldi!
I would love to know that
I would love to know that too. I have a SS24, SS13, and SD21 and dont want our relationships to go that way
You give my hope that maybe
You give my hope that maybe my SD will come around...TIME!!!
I am loving Shouldi's post. I
I am loving Shouldi's post. I am so happy to read that point of view. I constantly remind myself that at my SD's age I was not a fully fledged mature caring adult. If I can try to see her point of view, maybe one day she will see mine. There is hope! ok I am sounding desperate but how did you get your act together? and how can I influence DH and SD17 now to help her grow up a little and stop blaming/hating me over time.
Is there an SD forum? Maybe they can teach us where there is a natural turning point and how to help a young woman get there? The situations we inherit are unhealthy.