I'm not ashamed to kiss him, but I don't feel like having an audience either. Considering that I have just met her once before the wedding for dinner, she's still a virtual stranger to me. If I had been her stepmom from early childhood maybe it would feel more normal to have her in the house.

I don't think she's easily embarassed. I also thought that when we make a gesture invitation, that she would pick up on it that we would really prefer to go alone, but she doesn't get subtle hints.

I'm so glad I found this site. Keeping my feelings bottled up was causing me to feel resentment towards her. I wanted very much to become a friend to her. DH keeps trying to keep it positive by saying "she can be the daughter that you never had" (I have two sons in their 20s that have been on their own since college). What he doesn't get is that relationships take time to develop and he can't force it on me. I am trying so hard to keep the peace. We've never had an argument in our entire marriage, but this........I feel like I'm about to scream. Today I've planned an activity that SD32 can't come to, so I'm going to sneak my DH out of the house before she's awake We spent all day yesterday with SD out on the boat, then she came to swim with us in the pool. I'm trying so hard to swallow this.

Light at the end of the tunnel:
My SD32 just informed us that the seller approved a bid she made on a short-sale BUT....the bank still needs to approve it and once that happens it may take up to December 21st to close. Soon it will be getting darker and colder outside which means spending more time under the same roof. I don't think I want her here another four months, but now that she has taken a step towards moving on, I think she feels she can rest and enjoy her time here with us. I'm NOT enjoying it!

After spending a whole day with SD32 out on the boat I was ready to throw up watching how she fussed over my husband just because he got a little scrape on his leg getting out of the boat. For some reason seeing this woman fussing over my husband's tiny cut kind of creeped me out. And she doesn't call him dad, she calls him by his first name. I'm sure this sounds odd but I think she actually is trying to show that she can take better care of him than me. I feel this competition for his attention. It's really weird. She should have been showing her OWN husband this kind of love and attention and maybe she would have stayed married. She fails at her own marriage, so now she wants to move back in with daddy and take over my role!

And to those that have suggested I have a serious talk with my husband, I did finally get a chance to at length this weekend. I planned a day out for us, telling DH that it was an event for our "over 40 group", so that SD32 got the message she couldn't come. The look on her face!

We had such fun that day, I felt the romance coming back. We went for a 16 mile bike ride around the lakes with our group, then out to lunch, and afterwards we had some much needed alone time to talk before the evening party with friends and family (my side).

All of my feelings suddenly burst out, when DH suggested we go home between events and I blurted out "No! I can't stand to go back there!" My sudden reaction to returning to my own home brought everything out in the open. He knew I was uncomfortable before, but I wanted him to know, it's much more than that. I told him, I'm starting to get depressed, my life feels like the "sister wives" program (which I hate). At first he got stiff-lipped and came to her defense and he asked, "do I want her to be homeless out on the street?" I started to cry at the thought because I am a caring sensitive person, and no I would never let SD be out on the street. I tearfully said "No, I just want us to find another solution".

Brought out the big guns last night:
Because we were at a stalemate on this, I enlisted the help of an older and respected couple from the church that are both widow(ers)and are on their second marriage and have adult step children.

We were invited to their house for dinner last sunday and when SD32 got wind of it she offered to make a dessert for it. (no one invited her, but she just assumed it included her) Now why a 32 yr. old would want to hang out with a couple in their 50s and another couple in their 70s is beyond me, but we rescheduled the dinner for wednesday night and I left the house before SD got home yesterday and picked up H from work on our way to the dinner so it wasn't so obvious to SD that she was being excluded. I hate having to be sneaky but I don't think SD32 is entitled to know our whereabouts anyway.

After dinner, we all sat on their deck and the subject of SD32 came up. I confided that I really care about my SD, but she has now been with us for going on 7 weeks now and although she's got a possible house sometime around Christmas, our new marriage is starting to suffer (mostly in silence) because she's still there long after she was supposed to be gone.

It felt great to hear this couple tell my DH how his marriage must be his #1 concern and how important the first year of marriage is. The older lady also told DH how generous I've already been in letting her stay this long, and that she would have never allowed an adult child to move in with them.

While DH agreed with them on that, he then gave them her whole sob story about how little money she has, how badly her ex treated her, how he doesn't want her living in a bad neighborhood, etc. etc.

Btw, we figured out the cousin doesn't want her back because SD's dog was ruining their grass. It's ruining ours too now. Whenever we look at it, DH reminds me of how the dog is SD's only friend.

I said, let's get this out in the open. I was very disappointed how SD glanced over a perfectly good house that was available immediately and how she should have been looking at apartments 3 months ago instead of trying to buy a house. IMO she didn't have the luxury of time to shop for houses, while imposing on relatives and wearing out her welcome (and their grass). And why was I excluded from the conversations while she was moving in, but now I'm supposed to be the heavy that has to tell her to leave?

My sister (who is a marriage counselor) doesn't even understand how it has reached this point. Her advice....get SD a place at an extended stay hotel until she finds a house. DH said she can't afford that. I think I'll pay for the first week and present her a key (an early birthday present). We stopped by one last night on our way home, right by DH's work, so he could visit her daily if he likes. It was a nice place, but DH said he didn't like the looks of the other tenants that were hanging out in the hallway (they were another race).
I flat out told him, it's hard to see your daughter have repercussions from her divorce, but it's a fact of life. My sympathy has reached it's end.

Thank you to all who gave constructive advice. I used many of your comments when trying to verbalize my feelings and it really helped.

I do have some good news to report. Last night I purposely went to visit my mom, so DH could have "the talk" with his daughter. DH knows that our mentor couple from church is right, SD32 needs to be out on her own, so that gave DH the extra strength he needed to give SD some "tough love" as our mentor couple calls it.

We do want to help SD, but in a normal healthy way, not allowing her to be a live-in dependent, which is not helping her or us. At my suggestion, we are going to pay half of her rent at an extended stay hotel for two months. That should at least buy her some time to see how things work out with the short-sale, it will not deprive us of our newlywed year (what's left of it) and it sends the message to SD that we do love her and she is welcome to come visit, but must go back to her own home. This is not her childhood home, and she is not a child.

You are all so very right, there must be boundaries respected. In fact, DH shared with me the other day that when SD was married, HE was told he had to call first before dropping by for a visit. As equal adults, if SD32 ever does get remarried, I'm sure that she won't want us moving in with her new husband. So yes, do unto others, but only if it is healthy for them.

And, in the eyes of God, a marriage is sacred and no one (not kid (step, bio) shall come between them.

Deafening Silence:
SD32 pulled up in the driveway while I was backing out to run to the store. I wave and get no response. I'm sad it had to come to this, but she should have known her presence here was temporary for some time now. She has her final answer. Guess she's mad, but I'm mad too. I didn't ask to be dragged into this, I don't see any other relatives stepping up to the plate offering to take her in, so....I'm not going to feel guilty. My DH is one hot lover, and I'm not going to stiffle myself for four months. I think I'm going to tell her that

She's leaving today!

I am about to leap for joy! By the end of the day, I will have that woman out that hijacked my home and husband. My husband is her distant past, and she was trying to go back to living in the past, and tried to drag us with her.

Summer is over, and she's had all summer to get her life in order. She is no little birdie that we pushed out of the nest, she's a big do-do bird that took over someone else's nest and tried to destroy the bird that built it (namely me).

Friday night DH and SD32 went after work and finalized the room at the extended stay hotel. You would have thought she was being taken to the firing squad the way she carried on during the drive back. DH was white as a sheet when he got home and told me all about how she burst out crying. How she told him that she was being "kicked out of her own home" This is not and has never been her home! She was a visitor! What a guilt trip she laid on him, he was ashen.

Thank you all for your helpfulness and well wishes. I really appreciate it and hope to write more soon but my DH is about to get up for the day. What an exhausting weekend for both of us.

Parting Shots:

We survived the fallout, but not unscathed. Friday night I waited at home, preparing a delicious dinner and set a place for all three of us at the table. When DH and SD32 got back from the hotel (with the sheet-white face) I was told by DH that he had "not seen her cry like that since she was a little girl. Not even at her mother's funeral". Those words hurt me, and I was surprised by DH's apparent anger towards me for the first time ever in our marriage. I said in a small and trembling voice "she knew this was temporary"..."R**** is her childhood home, not this".

DH was a widower when I met him, but he assured me that he was over the greiving process because his late wife had a long term illness over the course of several years. His children resented that he had moved on with his life even though it had been a year since her passing. His late wife even told DH before her death that she wanted him to get remarried. SHE didn't want him to be alone, why do the kids want him to be alone? He reminded SD of that.

Anyway, back to Friday night....I honestly didn't know whether it was going to be SD or me that was leaving. I sat at the table, the dinner all ready, and DH joined me but SD32 went down to the basement and I was told she would not be eating with us. I told DH I'm going to leave her plate there in case she changes her mind. (I felt like I was dealing with a pouting 2 yr. old.)

All of a sudden, I was the object of anger for the painful events of all of their lives (the SD's divorce, the first wife's passing) when I was an innocent newcomer to the family. I had to remind DH that it was not my decision, but a joint decision by us and our mentors that SD needed to leave after two months.

We took a walk on the beach, sat on our bench and I tried to calm his shaken nerves. I didn't have the words, but I remembered something that was said on this MB. I told DH that "you need to have my back, and I need to have yours" That we need to stand together, as a couple. This is called tough love, because it IS tough.

It was cold and getting dark out on the beach and I said to DH, "Sunday at this time we won't be out in the cold, hiding and talking in the dark anymore". Somehow he saw the irony of this at that moment....we were cold and outside, SD32 was inside our warm house. We walked back to the house, hand in hand.

The drama with no audience:
Thankfully Saturday my DH was scheduled to work and I left early for my women's book study (The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace) ironic isn't it! I spent the afternoon peacefully enjoying my grandchildren at the park (5 yr old & 7 mo. old). That was therapy for my soul.

When I got back home, I smelled a strong detergent coming from the basement. I assumed SD was cleaning the bathroom down there in preparation for her departure the next day. I went to shower and prepare for the hangar dance DH and I were attending that night with some people from his work. We had a great time swing dancing.

Sunday morning we got up before sunrise. Placed square in the middle of DH's desk in the office were SD32's folded up and laundered sheets. I put them away, he already felt bad enough, why did she need to make a production of it? We left for a citywide bike event and stayed out all day and went to church in the evening. In the evening, DH got a voicemail from her saying that she has moved to the hotel but we are not to touch anything in "her room" because there are "confidential" things in there.

I was proud of my DH for seeing through that. He called her, left a message saying "that room was a guest bedroom before you came, and it will continue to be a guest bedroom now that you're gone". That she needs to come get that stuff out of there this week (she has a storage unit rented since early summer)so there is no excuse. When we got home, the door to that room was closed. Today on wednesday, it's still closed and she has not been back to retrieve her stuff. In short, she is holding part of our home hostage.

Taking back the house and changing the locks:

I wish...but DH purposely gave both of his kids and both of my kids a key to the lake house as a symbol of welcome right after we were married. He had good intentions but it backfired when his daughter used hers to move in and abused the privilege.

When DH said SD32 would be back to pick up her things sometime this week, I asked if she could call first and DH immediately said that he never liked it when SD's husband required that, and he doesn't want to start that now. He has an open door policy. Generous of him, but it makes me feel very vulnerable.

You are all right about his kids feeling a sense of entitlement. SD32 was no sooner out of the house and she went to work on her Christmas list which she e-mailed to DH the next day. Several items long. I'm sure she's going to milk his guilt trip for all it's worth.

LOL...

I don't get it either, but I don't think I can put an end to the long standing tradition even though it's way outdated. Maybe next year....for now I'm just basking in the glow of my newly re-discovered privacy. Ahhhhh, life is good, again.

The cost of my freedom $1440/mo.

SD32 upgraded her hotel to a nicer facility costing an extra $400 per month.

DH's son33, (btw), was given the family home where they grew up (along with the mortgage on it) but still a sizeable equity. We asked him if SD32 (his sister)could move in their basement for a couple of weeks and he flat out refused on the spot. Can't say I blame him. He's married and obviously his wife doesn't want to live full time with the sister-in-law. She's not an easy person to be with, loud and obnoxious actually.

DH did give SD32 the title free and clear to their vacation rv, which is worth about $10K used.
I suggested that she bring it to the campground nearby and live in it, but somehow that idea got vetoed. Yesterday I checked at the RV park and it's only $133 per week with full hookups.
For some reason DH does not want his daughter living in a trailer, albeit a nice one with slide-outs.

We don't own any porn. Don't need it, don't want it.

I will always remember something my DH said on our honeymoon to another passenger on the cruise ship. "I only have eyes for my wife".

Now that SD and her problems are out the door, we have returned to the land of milk & honey.

She's baaaack!!!!

I was upstairs and I hear this loud barking at the door. There was SD32 with her dog waiting behind my screen door. At 1 p.m. in the afternoon! I did not like the surprise one bit. She immediately goes downstairs, not sure why, and was still there when I was ready to leave.

I got in my car and called DH at work to let him know she's back. She was planning to use her printer, DH said. Now why would a 32 yr. old drive 25 minutes out of her way just to use a printer here, when she could easily use one at the library near her place? I get the feeling she is just being nosy, and wanted to come back to mark her territory. I asked DH if she came to get the rest of her stuff? It was left stacked in a mess in the guest bedroom. Nope, it's still there, BUT, since she is not removing it, I started stacking things of mine on top of the bed down there. If I can't use it as a guest room, I'm going to at least use it as a storage room too!

I found out she took a sick day. How nice of her to come to my door and spread her germs around on her day off. She was probably bored at the hotel. Probably wanted to see what our plans are for a Friday night. We ended up taking her to the mall and buying her dinner that night. On the way, we stopped at the hotel to pay the next installment of her rent. I got to see the place. Quite luxurious, with a flat-top stove, dishwasher, beautiful view, excercise room. And she had the nerve to cry and make such a scene when we first rented the place for her? She also has a large wrap-around desk (could have put her printer there). I hate that she has an excuse to come back.

Indeed. I guess I'm so relieved to have her living elsewhere, that I'm willing to tolerate her stuff being here a little longer. I still have my 4th of July decorations up down there, since I've been unable to go down there to decorate since she moved in. I respected her privacy down there. Did she respect mine? No. When we got home from a trip while she was living with us, she handed me a book that belonged to me. She never asked to borrow it, and what's worse, she took it from the magazine rack in our upstairs bedroom. So much for respecting boundaries! I told that to DH right before he got her a hotel room.

If we had a basement door. It's an empty-nester loft style home. Mostly open spaces, but the guest bedroom downstairs does have a door.

I once locked the screen door, which has no keyed entry, and she just called DH to ask him the combination to the garage door entry. She let herself in that way. DH is really not willing to change any locks or combinations. He doesn't consider her a threat in any way.

Whenever DH starts feeling sorry for SD32's "small living area" at the hotel, I remind him now nice it is to have sex whenever we feel like it, and cuddle on the couch downstairs. It shuts him up.

You know, I asked him that. We got her a storage unit Memorial Day weekend when she first separated from her husband. (DH co-signed for it ). Her furniture is all in storage there and her boxes.

DH claims that there is no more room in there, they can barely close the door. I'd like to see that for myself. I asked him why did she even bring all kinds of stuff over here if she was a temporary guest...where did it come from? He said the resulting mess in our guest bedroom was from when she cleaned her travel trailer out at the end of summer, and stuff she brought over from the cousins.

I don't feel safe in my own home.

I think we need to define home here. Home is where I live and sleep at night. My marital home with my husband.

DH bought this house where we live one month before he met me and his name is on the title. DH put 50% down and the other 50% has a mortgage on it. So, technically both the bank and DH are joint owners of it legally. Where do I fit in? Every time my SD comes over, she acts as if she owns it. SD had a house and had been married for 12 yrs. prior to this, so I have no idea why she feels she owns this one. Because she will inherit it one day? That's so far in the future, she can't count on that. She has a brother, we might sell it before then, etc..... I think I'm going to start paying the mortgage on it myself and then donate it to the church when we're gone.

Last weekend when I was in the den I heard a noise on the door outside. I lift the blinds and see SD walking away from the house. She didn't ring the doorbell, but was trying to open the garage door with the keypad. Sometimes it doesn't work. Aparently, she got frustrated and walked away. I wasn't expecting her. Well, I found out later, DH left the truck key for her and she borrowed his truck to pick up some things from her old house that she owned with her ex. Where does this stuff end up? In DH's truck for probably quite awhile. I guess I'm grateful it wasn't brought into the house this time.

Then, two days later, she startles me again. I had left the garage door open because I was unpacking my car from a weekend trip. She walked in secretly and says Hi ____
in a loud voice right when I have my back turned. I was totally freaked out by that,and shaking like a leaf for an hour after that. She brought DH's truck back, which was the excuse for her visit that time, but I certainly wasn't expecting her to walk in unanounced. I was so wound up I couldn't sleep a wink that night.

What am I going to do? I would never let myself in to my mother's house without ringing the doorbell. She could have a heart attack at her age, even though I was born and raised there. I told DH that how would SD feel if I let myself in to her apartment unanounced? It's a violation of privacy, and makes you feel unsafe in your own home. I'm going to try to change the combination on the keypad.

I do have some good news to report though. By the end of the month, our offer to pay half the rent of her hotel will be over. She and DH know that I won't allow her to move back in here, so she has agreed to split the rent with a former neighbor who is a single mom of three kids. She could use the extra money and SD should fit right in with the chaos of three kids, with her dog.

It still doesn't solve the problem of SD acting like this is her house though. I was surprised how when I invited her for Easter dinner last spring, she went into my kitchen and opened the cabinet doors to look inside. She was marking her territory even back then.

It's nice to know people understand. I appreciate that. That's why I come here, a safe place where I can think things out with others to confirm and suggest solutions.

I do have a deadline for having SD's belongings removed from the guest bedroom. Christmas Day I'm having a big open house and dinner party, so that room will have to be opened up for inspection, and possible rest area for visitors that day. No mess will be allowed in there! I'm also going to redecorate it before then with new paint and donate the old furniture in there, which was from DH's and his late wife's master bedroom. That furniture always did make me feel kind of weird. I'm going to put my lovely Ethan Allen bedroom furniture in there which we brought over from the house I still own (and rent out) several states away. It will no longer look like anything DH ever had with his first family! Our main floor already has my living and dining room furniture in it. DH said when we first got married that I could decorate it however I wanted to. I also changed things around in the kitchen cabinet where SD used to like to poke her nose into, so it has all of my personal belongings in it. If she wants to carry on her trip down memory lane, she can look at photos back at her hotel.

You know what else bothers me? (while I'm on a roll here). How, when she came over last time and I was in the final stages of preparing dinner, DH asked me if SD32 could stay for dinner. I said yes, but then SD proceeded to sit down and started talking about all of her relatives from her mother's side, giving DH the latest news. I was feeling left out of the converation. She likes to do that, so I had to several times change the subject. At one point I even asked what she thought about the Presidential debate? I think she got my drift.

She's asking to move back in!!! Wants to be here for the holidays. Do I want to spend my first holiday season as a newly married couple with DH's grown daughter under the same roof? :O

We stopped paying half her hotel rent at the end of October. We paid it for two months as we agreed, in addition to two months prior that we allowed her to live with us. SD32 has only been on her own (financially) for less than a week, and she's already asking to move back in? Apparently the single co-worker/former neighbor changed her mind on letting SD move into her home, so now SD's desperately calling her brother and father asking both of them to take her in. They HAVE a wife! Both of us say no! Again! Why does this not sink in to SD that it crosses the line of healthy boundaries? I think that she wants to keep asking in order to continue the guilt trip.

Her divorce is not our fault and I am not going to pay the consequences for it! I really think she WANTS to cause trouble in the marriages of her brother and her father. Because she's never been happy in her marriage, she resents that her two other male relatives ARE happy.

My DH and I were downstairs watching football and I ask him if we are "allowed" to go into the guest bedroom so I can get my Thanksgiving decorations out of there (stored in bins in the closet). I walk in, and there is even MORE of SD's stuff piled up to the ceiling, blocking access to the closet. I call for help and DH comes in, and tries to wrestle my decorations loose from the closet. We hear glass breaking and, gasp, there are several of my most treasured and collected over time holiday decorations broken in pieces. I am speechless.
DH realizes this is SD's fault and he says how sorry he is.

Even after she is gone, she is causing pain for me

I got her ONE thing on her Christmas List. The GPS for her car ($150). The list she e-mailed was 12 items long and included CDs, two pairs of jeans, items for her kitchen, etc etc. Who does she think is going to shop for this stuff? DH has a full-time job. DH and I have four adult children, their spouses, and five grandchildren to buy for. SD32 is not an only child, yet she acts like the little princess. She wants these new jeans with rips already in them. She does not look good in jeans, believe me.

What she needs to do is go to a weight loss clinic, then have her hair colored, cut and styled. She still wears this long ponytail down to her behind and it does not look good on an obese 32 yr. old.

I still find myself wanting to help her, but in ways a mother would to an adult woman. From a distance.

She should have setup household in that trailer. I told that to DH all along, but instead she put it up for sale, had no offers, since it's the end of the camping season, so she ended up selling it to a dealer for much less than the $10K asking price. So, she HAS probably $6K in her checking account. Enough to tide her over for another few months, BUT, instead she is begging to move back in with us. That's why I think her real goal is not to live on her own, but take back her birth family, and cause trouble in DH's new marriage and take over the house during the holidays. I think the holidays coming are bothering her.

Just a few days prior to that, I replied to an e-mail from SS33's wife asking us what we are doing for Thanksgiving. I sent her a picture of DH and I in a cute matching costume at a party, and I then went on to tell her our plans for Thanksgiving over at my son's house, and a Christmas open house here at the lake. I think maybe word got back to SD that my holiday plans didn't focus on DH's side of the family and she decided to take matters into her own hands again. It really bothers SD that her dad is making lovely and fun new memories. She really wants her dad to continue to mourn the late wife's death. The anniversary of her death came and DH said to me he didn't even think about it, he was enjoying life with me so much, until SD called and reminded him of it.

Thanks Wow. I can imagine how strange it must be for you, having the late wife's ashes residing in your home for 15 yrs. :O And the SD's continuing to spread them over that much time is just plain macabre.

I'm facing the uncomfortable prospect of getting rid of the late wife's nativity scene collection. I have plenty of my own decorations, plus hers takes up too much space in our closets. Last spring while cleaning, I asked DH to call SD to offer her the collection before I put it out on the curb for the Salvation Army. SD immediately cut him off and said tersely "you don't need to decide that right now". Really, it's been over a year since she passed away at that point (almost two now). I think I have a right to get that stuff out of here, and DH completely understands I don't want to display the late wife's collections. SD was trying to control my household even back then.

SD wants to hold this house hostage as a shrine to the late wife. What's strange is, the late wife never lived here. DH bought this house as an investment after she passed away. First he used it as a rental property, and then we moved into it after we got married.

She does want to keep that wound open. Good thing SD doesn't live here anymore, or she would be spreading those nativity scenes all over my house. I have one of my own, it's a precious moments nativity scene. That's the only one that's going up.

If and when SD gets that short-sale to go through, I'm going to pack those up in DH's truck along with all that other stuff that is left behind of hers and he can drop it off at her place. I'm not even going to ask if she wants it again. I asked her to take that bedroom furniture that's in the guest bedroom too. I want that out of here but SD doesn't want it. I'm going to donate it.

Shortly after DH's late wife passed away (and before he met me), he had both of his kids take whatever they wanted of hers from the family home and then gave his son title and possession of the family home along with the mortgage. SD got the RV. He's been plenty generous with them, and so anything left of the late wife's now, they don't want. Neither do I.