If you tell me this woman has HER kids living there full time...oh, and that YOU get to support them, I'm going to give you a virtual knock upside the head.

I am SOOOOOO tired of these entitled stepmoms who give the term "evil stepmom" support. It's like Cinderella... the SM's daughters were perfect, but the stepdaughter could rot in hell.

They exist. Don't fool yourself.

Did this just magically come to light? Has SM never acted like this prior to marriage?

Your responsibility is your children, with whom you spend an incredibly limited amount of time. If she doesn't like that, show her the door.

You need to end this marriage, its not going to get better and everyone is miserable. If you stay long enough to get her pg you will be stuck with her and her kds forever.

I wonder what her side of the story is?

Does your new wife leave every weekend because she's tired of trying to get you to see that your children aren't actually being parented perhaps?

Does she try to point out issues with your children's behavior and you immediately jump to defend them with a classic "they are just kids" or "you hate my kids"???

The times that she has tried to correct your children's behavior directly did you "protect" them from her? or maybe let them off punishment before she thought was appropriate?

Now if you've read all of these and can HONESTLY say no this isn't the case - then yes you should probably be thinking about bailing out. But if any/all of these are accurate (or close to accurate) then MAYBE you should look yourself in the eye and think about how you're willing to work on these issues as well.

Just to be clear - I'm not saying SM is blameless - just trying to be devil's advocate.

Try going over consquences and setting a game plan with your wife together for ALL kids. That way when you kids break a rule, she won't be able to say you're too easy.

You sound a lot like my ex husband- nothing was ever his fault, he didn't need to hange, I was the total bitch, the counselor was just an idiot....

I also wonder what the other side of this is. Maybe try a different couselor- or maybe LISTEN to what this counselor and your wife have to say and try things the counselors way for a little while and see what happens... cause at the moment you are coming off as a hopless victim with an evil wife- and I bet she wasn't always that way or you would not have married her.

I can understand your frustration. In my case, I am the SM, and I do not criticize my husband for the way he handles his kid. I don't agree with him in all instances, such as when SS was running his feet against the blinds in a restaurant, and talking rudely and like a baby to the waitress and he repeated "knock it off {you}", 30 times, but I know he has to figure things out like I did as a parent.

As a matter of fact, I get enraged because BM is constantly criticizing my DH. Never mind she thinks SS "is so rude. HAHAHAHAH!" , but it still pisses me off that she runs her mouth.

All that being said, I never let SS run all over me either. When he jumped on my couch, I told him "you can sit down on the couch, but you can;t jump on it." When he would blast the t.v., I told him to turn it down, and when he hit my son, I told him "We do not hit people. You can play with {BS}, but you have to play without using your hands."

When he chose not to listen, I expected my husband to respond. Are you sure you respond? Are you sure you don't tell them to "knock it off" 30 times and never actually enforce your demands? If you are sure you respond and handle your business with them, than it may be possible that your wife wasn't ready for what she got into. However, if you can't honestly say that you, rather than your wife are the one enforcing demands, she may just be tired of being disrespected, and she may think it's better to just walk away and stay out of it.

I have had to tell my husband a few times that he needed to respond, such as when SS continued jumping in the couch. Knock it off, and get down wasn't working. SS thought it was hysterical. I told my husband, "You need to go get him and stop him before he gets hurt,the couch breaks." Do you think that's critical and bossy? I was just saving my couch, and possibly SS's head.

What exactly pisses your wife off? If you don't know, you should talk to her. If you feel like it's overboard, and she doesn't, either you will have to agree to disagree, deal with it and live miserably, or step away from it.

Without specific examples, none of us can really judge what's going on here.

But I did want to chime in and say please quit calling her your 'new' wife. She is your wife.

Oh, and maybe try a couple private sessions with the counselor or get a new one.

I will take your original post at face value and base my comments on that.

I think that putting your foot up her ass is the way to go. (Figuratively of course). You are an even tempered kind man and she is taking advantage of that. The next time she pulls her crap tell her to STFU and listen to what you are about to say. Then you tell her that she will never speak to you or your children in that manner again and if she does she and her children are gone immediately. Of there is a next time after that and she tries to humiliate you in front of her children or verbally assaults you or your children tell her to pack her shit, take her spawn and get out then pick up the phone and call the locksmith to have your house re-keyed.

I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap from anyone, particularly my spouse. If she can treat you with the respect due to a spouse and can not act as a person of character then she has to go.

A person of honor and character does not treat anyone as your DW is treating you and your children. The fact that she has a high IQ makes her total lack of character even more disgusting.

IMHO of course.

My husband is a part time dad. He feels very guilty that his daughter is not in his home. We have one child and another on the way. His ex wife is a terror who does not want to see us succeed so at every happy moment in our lives, and she throws salt.. We are pregnant so she says "since u got yo other baby I'm not letting you claim our child on taxes" he pays nearly 400 out in child support and its about 200 extra going out a month related to her care and their divorce papers state he is supposed to claim her every other year. She refuses to let him see her sometimes andd she is very nasty to me and needless to say this blended family is STRESSED out. So when he DOES get her even though he admits she has no discipline or structure, he treats her like she is a piece of gold and when I say something to her in response to her misbehaving, he feels as if I'm nitpicking with her being too strict and acting like it's a military. He once admitted that bc he feels guilty about her broken home that he doesn't want her to be unhappy here he want her to come have fun with him. He looks over her misbehaving saying that she is just a child but she is disrespectful she says things like, you not raising me, and your not my mom I don't have to listen to you. I and though he may say something in the moment, he still says she just a child. In no way shape form or fashion is it acceptable for me to be disrespected or undermined in my home and although I feel his issues stem from guilt and the fact that I don't think he KNOWS how to mix my parenting skills with his to form a common ground, and I think he may have issues sharing the reigns with someone who is not her mother because he KNOWS it's gonna be issues with BM and bc he just wants it to be sunshine and rainbows when she's here.

continued from above: it causes undue stress on our marriage and we all know even though we are adults we still throw tiny temper tantrums when we are not happy. He thinks he's all the same things you are saying you are but he can't see himself from an observers point of view. It's hard to go through every action that causes the disciplinary actions but I am thinking of sitting my husband down and going through the things that make me tick and having us come to an agreement on the way things are handled.. If she plays with her food there needs to be a clear consequence.. I say that bc she does stuff like smash her food up in her hand and expect to get other food that she wants bc she clearly didn't want what she was given. If she does not react after several times of being told the same thing, he and I need to come up with a clear cut consequence. I think THAT way we will both feel like it's our work together.

"She is extremely manipulative and has a very high IQ and I believe she manipulates the counselor to her side of thought."

I have a hard time believing that counselors are easily duped. Don't they specialize in these types of issues where there is a conflict between family members? I think they would be able to judge if someone was exaggerating or trying to manipulate them into agreeing with them. I'm not saying it's impossible, but if you think your counselor is being negatively influenced by your wife, then that counselor may not be the best choice for you. Why not get a second opinion?

But no one on here can actually see what's happening for themselves, so really what do we know?

As for being on the verge of leaving, there is something you can do to help yourself make a decision. Try the "thumbs up" head vs heart technique. Your head and heart represent something like Siskel and Ebert. They were paid to watch movies and then give them a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down". If one of them gave a movie a thumbs up and the other gave it a thumbs down, there's no way the movie promoter would use that on an advertisement. I don't think we've ever seen a "One thumb up!" quote on a movie poster. They need a "two thumbs up" review to make it useable for them.

When you are presented with a choice and both your head and your heart are on the same page, and give you either "two thumbs up" or "two thumbs down", decisions are often much easier to make. However, when there's a conflict between your head and your heart then the decision is difficult. What do you do, then when your head is telling you to do one thing, and your heart is telling you to do the opposite? There is an answer. USE YOUR HEAD.

Granted, following your heart is often glorified and romanticized in the media, but it's just not practical, and will probably set you up for further pain down the road. An example: a woman finds out her husband is cheating on her. Her head says he is a cheater and that she should leave him, but her heart says she loves him and she decides to follow her heart and stay. More often than not (and I know some people CAN change and infidelities can be overcome, etc. keep in mind this is just an example) this will result in further heartbreak for her, either extending the pain by trying to work through it only to find that she can't actually get over it, or possibly he cheats again. If she had followed her head, she would have avoided the supplementary pain.

If you are not sure whether you want to stay in this marriage or not, ask your heart and your head to give you a "thumbs up" or a "thumbs down". Maybe your head is saying LEAVE because logically this can't work out - there are just too many obstacles, but your heart is saying STAY because you are in love. OR, maybe it's your heart that is telling you to leave because you're feeling hurt by your wife's demeanour and actions can't bear the thought of your children being subjected to her strict rules and "harsh" punishments, but your head is saying that maybe you should try things your wife's way because it may actually be beneficial to your children in the long run and turn them into responsible, independent, respectful people. There's also the point someone brought up earlier about how children grow up and leave but your spouse will remain with you for the rest of your life. Imagine your life with her without the children around. That may help.

Either way, following your heart is often the easier route, since you feel like you are doing something nice for someone AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT (either for your wife by staying, or for your kids by leaving), and you stated how you would do anything for the members of your family. However, "heart" decisions usually only make things better in the short term. Even if the "head" decision is harder, usually it is the one you will thank yourself for (and your kids will thank you too) in the long run, because your heart will eventually catch up and know that you did what was best for yourself and your family. I know in this society people are uncomfortable with delayed gratification, but I assure you it is worth it.

So, you just need to figure out whether it's your head or your heart giving you the thumbs up to leave, and whichever it happens to be, follow your head!

Sorry for the long explanation, it's really much simpler than it sounds.

Lots going on here, it sounds like. She is jealous of the time you spend with your kids when they are there. This is pretty normal, it happens a lot. YOU need to make sure you spend alone and quality time with her when possible. Her kids get your attention most of the time, and she and them are used to it being THAT way. Then your kids are there, and your wife and SD feel put upon and uncomfortable. Your parenting styles may be different, which causes conflict very often. EVERYONE has to work to get along, as this is a new family dynamic. The old ways dont work well when the dynamics change.

You both need to sit down, alone and decide what is most important to you separately and what is most important to you as a couple, then work on making those things the same or close. Counseling should help you both tremedously, but you have to find the right counselor. They are not all good, as you've been told prior.

As someone else posted, Make your wife your #1 priority, and ALL the kids equally the #1 responsibility.