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Why do BM keep pregnancy & birth a secret from BF. My husband of 33 years just found out he has a 17 year old daughter.

niobe19's picture

Submitted by niobe19 on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 3:33pm

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We lost out own daughter at 19. She was killed in a car accident, when this daughter would have been 3. I am angry that we were not given an opportunity to know my Step daughter when she was young. Is it wrong for me to want to meet BM & confront her with that question?

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 3:39pm

I'd imagine a woman who sleeps with married men isn't exactly worried about making the "moral" choice, you know?

doll faced sm's picture

Submitted by doll faced sm on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 3:40pm

Because your husband was cheating on you with her and what minimal sense of dignity she had kicked in and she was ashamed of her actions????

Just going out on a limb.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 3:41pm

Read the bio...maybe she was afraid she'd lose her job?
And who told you it was one night?
This man cheated on you with his EMPLOYEE. What an amazingly awful breach of ethics for him.
I cannot fathom how you continue to share his bed.

niobe19's picture

Submitted by niobe19 on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 3:55pm

She quit and moved shortly after getting pregnant. I believe my husband was being honest regarding it being a one time hook up and his lack of knowledge. My husband is very shameful and repentful. But I do appreciate your advice to get a drug store test (I did not know over the counter tests existed). Thank you.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 4:06pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))

As tempting as it may be, it might be best to not say anything to the bm. What does your dh think about this? Has he met his daughter as an adult? Does he know what she looks like? I think where you go from here depends on how he feels about this. I'd follow his lead.

niobe19's picture

Submitted by niobe19 on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 4:14pm

Thanks for the condolences. We are trying to do the right thing and concentrate on the 17 year old daughter's needs and feelings. She is handling a difficult situation very well. I SHOULD take her lead. She is so innocent and genuinely nice. I understand what you said about not talking to the BM. I think you are right. I will restrain myself and not address it. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ADVICE!

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 6:14pm

You're welcome Smile You're all in my thoughts and prayers, including your SD. She sounds like a good kid.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Sun, 10/21/2012 - 5:12am

That must be all hard! And I am so sorry for the loss of your own angel.You are wonderful in having an open heart towards your SD and I am glad she seems to be a nice girl.x

xtina's picture

Submitted by xtina on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 5:04pm

On one hand, your husband cheated and because of that produced a child! If that were me, that would be unforgiveable. On the other hand, that was a long time ago and the girl is practically an adult. If the child was a baby or very young I would say ditch that asshole. Bless your heart for being so open about it and wanting to get to know her. That's truly inspirational. I know I wouldn't be able to handle it.

xtina's picture

Submitted by xtina on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 5:06pm

I hate those sluts that sleep with everyone and anyone and they get knocked up! Why would you have a baby knowing it's going to ruin so many lives? Those girls are so selfish it pisses me off.

WTHDISUF's picture

Submitted by WTHDISUF on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 9:32pm

She's older now and I am guessing the first contact should be between your Husband and his former Mistress so they can discuss how to best discuss things with the girl. In time, if the question is not answered, you may have the opportunity to ask the BM why she never told him of the girl but that's not going to be first priority now.

My SS8 is a non-biological child born of an affair when DH was married to BM. He does not know his real Father-he thinks DH is his father. BM decided for reasons she has not disclosed to never tell the Bio Father of SS existence and never tell SS of his real Paternity. Unfortunately he is of a different race than DH so she can't hide the truth much longer-the kid has been asking for 2 years straight so he knows something is up. Anyway, I read a forum specifically to find out how the Children of Affairs feel when they learn the truth. As much as the little brat gets on my nerves, I feel bad for him in that regard and if I'm ever in a place to have to discuss this after he learns the truth, I wanted to know what to say which is why I began my research.

I tell you it's not a lot of information about it from the kids perspective but from what I have found and from those I talked to who Are those kids (now adults), it's brutal. They are all messed up and it doesn't matter what age they learn the truth-anytime after a very young age and they are pissed. They are angry at both Parents for most part, don't trust anyone anymore and feel abandoned. They often alienate from the Bio's and try to get to know the Other parent who may or may not have known they existed. Sometimes that goes well and other times not. So with all of this sure to be going on, the last person who'd get any answers would likely be you. Sad Maybe in time but probably not good idea right away.

niobe19's picture

Submitted by niobe19 on Sun, 10/28/2012 - 12:27pm

Thank you for sharing your insight and research. We found out about her existence in Dec. 2011, but then the BM withdrew all communication. Finally in May 2012 BF (my husband) got a text from the girl herself saying "They say you are my father". So we both met her a week later. She has minimal contact with the BM. She is being raised by her grandmother whom she knows is not her Mom. When her and her sister were quite young and would visit grandmother with BM she asked Grandmother and Step Grandfather if they could call them Mom & Dad. So eventually they moved in with grandparents. She has been going to counseling for abandonment issues and gramma/mom has done a great job raising her. She does not indicate anger towards BF so that is a relief. He has been giving her financial support and love. Their relationship is growing slowly and I vow to make it the smoothest and most secure relationship for her. It is almost a year since we found out and during that time I have been focusing on dealing with my pain and grief. However through the help of folks like you, I realize that my concerns are low priority and I will have to make sacrifices but I am doing it lovingly and by choice. So I will keep you posted. Thanks again.