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If You Could Go Back In A Time Machine ...

Krispey Kreme's picture

Submitted by Krispey Kreme on Thu, 10/18/2012 - 2:23pm

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What advice would you give your younger self if you could go back in time as the age you presently are (I am 55) and speak to the person you were then--back when you first got involved with your DH/DW/SO and skids (I was 22 then)? What would you say to your younger self? What advice would you give to your younger self, knowing what you know now? Would your younger self have listened if you could have gone back and shared your experiences and advice?

My advice to myself would have been to go ahead and marry this good man, immediately detach from the whole BM/SD/MIL freakshow and move away to Alaska when we had the chance.

Would I have listened? I don't know. I really wanted to please my DH. I naively thought being a SM was going to be like the role of a favorite aunt. Or like the Brady Bunch. I had no intention of trying to usurp BM, and I didn't (but BM was so jealous and insecure that she just never could understand that). I thought we'd have a lot of fun together and be good pals. I tried, BM & SD never allowed it to happen. If you looked hostile PAS up in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of BM and her husband as examples. Sad, but not my choice.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Thu, 10/18/2012 - 2:44pm

I would have told myself to not bother thinking about or worrying over the skids. They don't really add anything positive to my life, not even the skid I actually like.

dledden's picture

Submitted by dledden on Thu, 10/18/2012 - 2:56pm

I would have told myself that I should have, day one, told hubby that i'm not watching/taking care of his kid when he's not home, EVER. let him find childcare for him all summer and after school care. I could have made that happen early in this relationship, i'm sure of it. In fact before we lived together and were married, i had my own apt. hubby would come spend the weekend with me. UNLESS he had to work saturday. When I didn't live with him I NEVER EVER EVER kept his kid while he worked. That was HIS JOB to find someone to do it (aka: his poor parents).....so he'd come over on fri night, and have to go home because i refused to watch his kid. He still married me, moved in with me, etc. I should have stuck to that as my 'rule' and my life now would be a lot more skid free!!!!!!

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Thu, 10/18/2012 - 3:48pm

I never, never, never would have quit my job and dedicated myself full time to SD (10 at the time) but I did it for my DD.

Pook's picture

Submitted by Pook on Thu, 10/18/2012 - 3:55pm

I would have told myself to keep living apart for another year or two AND to keep my "well meaning nose" out of things. To leave the visitation at EOWE and not get involved as deeply as I did. Stay focussed on my love for hubby and let him deal with the rest.

WTHDISUF's picture

Submitted by WTHDISUF on Thu, 10/18/2012 - 4:57pm

I would have told myself to wait another year before marrying DH. When no kid is involved, 2 years is long enough. But when a child from a previous marriage is present, give it a little more time. I would tell myself to use that year to watch BM and see if she's a fake; get to know her better. I would have told myself to look closer at DH and see if he's just being a really great guy with a big heart for taking responsibility for a kid that's product of an affair during his marriage. OR is he trying to work out some of his own voids and trying to make believe the kid really is his just to avoid the pain of facing he's not.

I most definitely would have waited one more year. Before marriage, things were truly different so I think it was the marriage itself that sparked the change in BM behavior and DH's expectations. Therefore I don't know if waiting a year longer would have mattered if that's the case but I am sure they would have been unable to hold up their fakeness for much longer and I would have seen it.

young_step_mom's picture

Submitted by young_step_mom on Thu, 10/18/2012 - 11:28pm

I would have told myself to leave visitation the way it was. We used to see SS a few hours at most a week. Now we have him every weekend and wednesday afternoons. It is a bell that cannot be unrung and I really wish someone had told me to leave things the way they were. Then again, I probably wouldn't have listened...

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 10:23am

I would have told myself not to move in with him and his kid. Not to get married and to keep separate residences until after his kid graduated. I would also tell myself not to get involved with his kid and to remain disengaged from the start.

I would not react to anything having to do with Uberskank or DH's. Just let him make his choices and let HIM deal with the fall out.

I love DH but every day I wish I had made different choices.

Whattheheck's picture

Submitted by Whattheheck on Thu, 07/26/2018 - 1:47pm

with him!!! I love my SO, we have a wonderful life together, but the SS's and my bios ugh, it was hellish. I wish I had kept my house and he kept his until they all aged out. Now that there are no adult kids at home (been over a year) we are having the time of our lives. 

icanteven's picture

Submitted by icanteven on Thu, 07/26/2018 - 2:17pm

You will meet this gorgeous older man on vacation. Have fun and then lose his contact information, focus on graduate school, forget he exists. His child is a brat. He is a raging narcissist. His ex-wife is the most irritating person you will meet in years and their son looks and acts exactly like her. All his family hates him. There is a reason for this. You do not want this man, his savage custody battle, or his problems. You cannot use logic to solve it. He will make you feel lower than you have ever felt before, spend all your money, and treat you like rubbish. You cannot fix him. Do not try.