Does my opinion not count bc I don't have kids?
Often times when I am discussing parenting issues with my husband about ss13 and sd11 it ends with some statement by him essentially telling me that because I don't have biological kids that I can't possibly have any valuable input. It's not just him, though. If I get brave enough to talk about issues with my skids to a co-worker or friend, they too will tell me that because I am not a parent I just don't understand kids in general. I think that's BS. I know that being a step parent presents unique challenges to those with and without their own kids. But I don't think that I am completely clueless because I haven't squirted a baby out of my vag. I also understand that the primary responsibility of raising kids falls to the biological parents, but this is my house too. And I should have input in what is allowed to go on here. I am interested to find out if anyone else who is not a BM feels this "dismissed" attitude toward them. And I would like to know what the step parents with their own kids feel too. It it more challenging for you? I would imagine there are a whole set of issues that I wouldn't even fathom.
Good point. I am a fan of
Good point.
I am a fan of "please" and "thank you". So any time one of the kids forgets to say either of those phrases, I remind them (not in a bitchy way) to say it. My husband says this is nit picking and if I were a parent I would learn to pick my battles and let it go.
SD11 doesn't ever stick with any activity for it's duration. She dropped out of softball, dance, basketball, girl scouts, and violin. I think that it's important to learn that you can't just quit things all the time, and that she should have been made to finish at least one of those things. Again, I am not a parent, so surely I have no idea what is best for her
SS13 was given a cell phone last year because he was beginning to spend a lot of time at friends' houses (great!). However he routinely misplaced it or accrued text overage charges. I think it should be taken away (we pay for it). DH disagrees, and his opinion goes because he is the dad after all.
It's not that I don't see that opinions on child-rearing will always differ from parent to parent. I am just tired of never being listened to because I am not a biological parent. Does that clarify?
My husband and I both remind
My husband and I both remind SS to say yes sir and thank you, etc. It is not knit picking it is called manners..
I find it odd that a 13 year old even has a cell phone. You can communicate through the parent's phone of the house he is staying at. Its your house your rules so of course I am not questioning that, but I do find it odd that so many parents give their kids cell phones these days. I have always paid for my own cell phone since I was 16 and had a job. Always paid for it.
Your opinion should be considered and not dismissed as being petty with the kids. Your husband ought to care more about manners and enforcing rules 100% of the time. If you let things slide some times, the kids will not have the consistency they need to learn and abide by the rules.
Well, in my situation, I am a
Well, in my situation, I am a Mom that has raised 3 kids (previous marriage). My current husband routinely tells me I am clueless on how to handle SS11. I'm too sensitive, expect too much, always the bad guy, etc. Anyway, I've been a Bio Mom, a foster mom, an adoptive mom and now a stepmother. Being a SM is the most absolutely difficult thing I have ever tackled in my life. So...those of us with kids' experience are still told we are clueless about skids...we "just can't understand them and their needs".
I admire you realmccoy. If I
I admire you realmccoy. If I had stepped first, then done foster, I would have lost my sanity a long time ago LOL. There is no way I could have handled it! I would have been ready to kill somebody!!
Its because you are a
Its because you are a STEP.
We have skids 50% of the time and I have my bios 80% of the time.
I have 2 daughters, 12 and 8. Dh has 2 kids, SD12, SS7. i am told CONSTANTLY since I don't have a boy, I am clueless.
Oh, and I spend more face time with SS7 than DH - this one still is bothering me... for 3 years I have asked DH to take him to a therapist to see whats going on in his head. SS7 is screaming for help. Finally after 3 years DH complied. Here is what he did...
He called BM and told her to take him. (idiot)
He then attended the appointment with BM about SS7 and I wasn't even told it was booked until I asked if he ever booked an appt.
Then he was given paperwork from the therapist for BM, himself and SS7's teacher (not me, nothing needed from me, I don't count)
Then BM took SS7 for his one on one (not DH despite this supposed to be his responsibility for initiating it)
Then he and BM went back together to get the results. (again unknown to me until I found papers on his desk about medication)
Now he and BM need to get together to decide what to do.
THIS is how much a STEP doesn't count. The teacher of 2 months was given a chance to voice her observations, DH has the skids 50% of the time in which he spends approx 1 hour a day with them until bedtime in which I spend 3-4 hours a day with them until bedtime. Hell, if you count the raw hours, I may even have more facetime than the BM since she ensures she picks SS7 up as late as possible from afterschool care.....
So, it really has nothing do to with the fact you have no kids of your own - you simply just don't count, period.
I get this from time to time
I get this from time to time from my sisters who are both parents. Mostly it comes to things like changing diapers or being high strung when the two year old starts touching things in my mom's house. I get the same from my mom from time to time. However, and here is the difference, no one ever dismisses me. They offer advice, or tell me to calm down or the kids are just fine (while I'm panicked the baby will break something). I am also extremely fortunate because my SO treats me, at all times, like an equal partner and will more often then not defer to my decision when it comes to discipline and/or rewards for the skids. Having said that, I think, from the things that I have read here, there are a lot of men who are clueless about it. They see it as you married me and my kids and therefore you have an obligation but no input. But if others are telling you that you don't understand kids, people who are not in your home, but are telling you that based on what you told them, there is a possibility that you might be getting dismissed because a) you have a different idea of child rearing than they did, or b) you might be acting a tad unreasonable. I think rather than telling them this is what happens and this is how I feel maybe try the tact of what do you think would be right/appropriate and see how that stacks up to your inclination.
Oh that is an awesome
Oh that is an awesome reaponse!!!! Well done!
It's difficult for me to know
It's difficult for me to know if I'm being unreasonable or not. That's why I do seek the advice of co-workers, friends with kids, family, etc. But sometimes I feel like when they say, "well, that's just kids being kids", that they are just trying to make me feel better and that should just let everything slide to make things easier on myself. Here are some examples of things that bother me that others have told me to let go.
At 11 and 13 I think they should be able to:
Use the microwave
Use a steak knife
Make their bed in the morning
Play for more than 10 minutes outside
These are just the most recent things I can remember. Bear in mind that I don't scream and bitch at them when they fail at these things...I just sigh with disappointment on the inside.
Definitely not too much to
Definitely not too much to ask. My niece is 9 and can do all of that quite well.
That's bullshit. If the SKs
That's bullshit. If the SKs are in your life, they are your business and your opinion matters. It is your life and your and your husband's life. Luckily my husband sees me as an equal parent with equal say and if he did not, I would not have started a relationship with him. That is messed up that he says that. He is your spouse and should support your thoughts, not dismiss them, especially when you get negative feedback from outsiders(co workers, etc). That is not being a good, supportive husband. Bottom line.
Also, my SS loves me and sees me as an equal parent. He minds me, yes ma'am no ma'am, and genually does not see the difference between SM and being a "real mother". I am fortunate, but again, I would not be in this if I did not have 100% support from my husband.
^^ Exactly.I have two
Yet BF doesnt want to hear my opinions about the skids nor does he consult with me on anything involving them,even though we both agreed to do just that before we moved in together.
He allows SD8 and SS7 to get away with sneaking and lying,doesnt make them pick up after themselves and throws BD16 any amount of money she ever asks for with no limits.
If I ever express a concern about anything Im completely shut down.
So Ive totaly stepped(haha)out of it.I handle my kid and leave his to him.
The last time I pointed something out was Sunday and we still arent talking.I asked him to please have skids hang up towels after their showers,he looked me in the eye and said "no".
I explained that I had just done a load of towels in addition to everyones laundry that day and that if he didnt appriciate it he could do their laundry.He said he would do just that and since I was accusing him of not appriciating me that I wasnt to cook dinner every night anymore.Fine.
Needless to say,he and skids have eaten nothing but frozen pizza all week.
Go ahead and let your kids get skurvy to prove a shitty point,Fucktard.What an ass.
As one poster has as her signature~Your kid,your problem.
This issue you mention has
This issue you mention has been our number one problem from day one. You have hit a sore spot with me for sure!!!
From the beginning we have fought over this. At first I kept my opinions to myself... but once we moved in together and his kids were now coming and staying at OUR house... I had to let my feelings known. I had different expecations from his kids than he did. Because he wanted our house to be filled with memories of "FUN", anything I suggest that even implied responsibility was scoffed at. My expectations weren't unreasonable by any means, he just wanted everything to be "lalala" fun that he forgot to parent! In comes me with some suggestions... they were blattently ignored... so my suggestions turned into demands...weeks turned into months with no changes and long story short, I had my bags packed and a reservation at a hotel before he took me seriously that I actually had a clue about parenting even though I wasn't one myself.
I have no children of my own, but like someone else posted (and I've pointed out to SO)... I don't have any bio kids, but I do have common sense. I have also asked him (after he tells me that I don't have a clue because I don't have kids) What was your score on the exam you took that I didn't to be a perfect parent?
A small list of my expectations of his 9 and 11 year old boys.
-Don't pee on the toilet seat. And if you do, clean it up.
-Wash your hands after using the washroom
-Don't pick your nose, use a tissue!!!!!
-Use proper utensils at the dinner table... don't wait for Dad to cut it up
-Use the microwave
-Use the toaster
-Pour your own cereal in the morning. Milk included.
-Con't from last-If you spill the cereal or milk, clean it up.
-Go outside to play without someone (adult) to referee everything
-If they wet the bed, bring dirty bedding to laundry room
-Shower everyday
-Pick up toys off floor so dog doesn't eat them
I have these expecations because they are all things those kids can easily do. I don't expect them to do it all perfectly or even on the first or second try. The thing is that they do it for themselves. If they mess up or make a mess, they learn to clean that too. If they do something and fall down doing it, put on your own bandaid and get going!! SO tries too hard to keep his kids from making any mistakes or getting hurt that they don't do anything for themselves!!! It is disgusting to watch really. They are coddled beyond belief!!! I hate the way my SO parents. Seriously... if I had a kid with him, I would immediately leave him so he couldn't co-parent.
This may seem like a long list, but they are just examples of what his kids are capable of that he just recently started following up on... and they do all of it!! Just fine!! These are also things that we've been working on for 2 years now. SO just now gets it. He has just started following up better in the more recent months.
Even still I make suggestions that he ignores. I have to let them slide. Or we spend all our time breaking up. So he still takes them out for fast food for all their meals (ever since I stopped cooking for them) I tell him he is not teaching them good life lessons thinking that it's okay to eat out all the time.. they are both overweight and neither parent has yet to tell them why or how to fix it...
He has an opinion. I have an opinion. We are both neither right nor wrong until we discuss what is at hand.
If DH has primary, then he
If DH has primary, then he needs to listen to you because they live in your home. If the girls are only with you EOW, probably best to disengage. For the phone, set the parental controls so she can't go over her texting limits!
My DH went from "we're a
My DH went from "we're a team" to...flash 5 years later -"you know nothing...you aren't a parent." Really? Because I've been parenting your children for 5 years while you've been watching every sport imaginable in the opposite room and I know both of your children better than you. I'm a better "parent" than you and your ex combined. Parent is a verb not a noun. People are idiots. Run your household- if he doesn't want to work with you he can leave. Grrrrrr. I have a lot of pent up anger over this this week!
Even though I am not a
Even though I am not a bio-parent, I have been asked by DH and BM on several occasions to help out or give my input on a parenting issue.
BM is usually open to whatever I have to say, though when there's something I think has been dealt with, she insists that SD is just "playing me" and that I don't know SD well enough to know she is full of it...in these cases it does sound like "you don't have kids so you don't know".
Whenever my opinion differs from DH's or I see a behaviour that he doesn't notice, he is very dismissive and pulls the "my kid, my way" thing or the "you don't have kids so you don't know that this is actually totally normal" thing. I'm sorry, talking like a baby (only to daddy) at 13 years old is not normal.
So on one side I have DH dismissing SD's problems when I see them, and on the other side I have BM insisting that the problems are bigger than what I am capable of seeing.