When I disengaged from SD37 just over a year ago, I did not write or call and explain myself. It would have been a waste of time since she would not admit she had anything to do with our breakdown in communications. Everything has always been my fault so what's the use? When you communicate with them, you are still reaching out. And quite frankly, when I disengaged, I really had no desire to be around her again - I was finshed. It would be interesting to see what she would write to me though. But she hasn't so it appears the disengagement is mutual. Good for me.

As for DH, he knew that the abuse they were dishing out was wrong. He would not admit it at first but later said, "No one should have to put up with that in their own home." The things is - when I removed myself as a target, DH took my place. At first he was hurt when his birthday, Father's Day and Christmas were forgotten and none of his called returned but by Christmas it was obvious he was seeing SD in a different light.

We never discuss SD. He is welcome to visit her any time he desires. But she's not part of my life. The easiest way to disengage is to acknowledge that in your life they don't exist anymore. Have to say, it gets better as time goes on. I fully expect someday DH will say, "Let's give SD another chance." But I let him know he will have to tell her - in my presence - that she is to respect me as his wife. I don't know if he will ever have the guts to do this but as far as I'm concerned it's non-negotiable.

sd19 was 16 when i disengaged, and i didn't tell her anything. i told fdh that i was done buying and picking out Christmas and bday gifts for her, and that i was done trying to do what i could to instill some responsibility in her since i'm always wrong no matter what.

being a typical self absorbed skid, she didn't notice anything was different until she didn't get a Christmas stocking or a bday cake, etc from me.

that was 3 years ago. she recently beat around the bush and never came out and said it, but made it obvious that she's pregnant. she was furious with fdh and i (mostly me) when i was pregnant and she was over the moon when miscarried. i reminded her of that and told her i'm not getting involved in this. so she knows i'm disengaged from her pregnancy. how dare she expect support and congratulations from me after what she did to me. i haven't heard much out of her since then. i never make an effort to contact her, but she usually comments on my fb statuses and pictures of bs4 that i post, and i've heard just about nothing out of her over the last 3 weeks since i told her how i feel. and i damped down my true feelings. i just told her that what she did was very hurtful and i haven't forgotten it, i didn't tell her how much i would like to rip her head off for what she did to me and then having the nerve to try to force me into her pregnancy. (she did attempt a guilt trip after i told her i'm not getting involved, but it accomplished nothing).

I started to disengage from OSD24 when she was in her late teens. I asked my DH to keep her out of our home to discipline her when I discovered that she left a really vicious abusive note in the middle of my front room whilst on her way out to be driven by DH with her siblings to a treat organised by me. My then 7 year old BS could have read the note. This against a backdrop of nasty letters from BM to DH over the years and also notes to DH from OSD asking for money and gifts (orchestrated by BM). So for me, letters and notes are no-nos -- they are too poisoned by manipulation. BB is correct about them being misinterpretable, and also don't forget that they can be brooded over and shown to your biokids later as a way of manipulating them. They give further force to the negative dynamic between you and therefore are probably better off not sent. But a lot of people find writing and then destroying them, to be very therapeutic as a way of purging bad feelings.
In my experience, though there is often a big precipitating moment like the one I had, you then disengage rather gradually because different life events happen which need adjusting to over time, on your own. For example in my case all those years ago, OSD came back and made a scene a few days later when DH brought her in saying she had come to apologise (when she had not, it was dreadful). She then stopped coming to visit for some years of her own motion, but resurfaced at a couple of family functions where she studiously ignored me in a very insolent way. As I've posted elsewhere, she has nearly managed to resurface again of late but it would seem that she has returned to the murk from whence she came, for the moment at least. I think that you have to roll with these punches and, if I had made a big declaration of intent all those years ago, I would now be being asked and confronted openly by DH or others to deal in this way or that way with it. Instead, by just letting disengagement happen organically, I retained control of the agenda for myself. DH does not dare to speak of her at the moment, she does not want to or dare to show her face, and that is fine. My thoughts remain a mystery to them and for their separate reasons, they will not disturb my slumber. Much better than silly little natterings between the three of us (and my potentially eavesdropping biokids!) over what I did or did not mean on a piece of paper years ago.
Hope this helped.

Well Sandye21 you will never have to worry about being asked to give SD another chance because as you know you and I are married to the same guy and you and I both know he does not have the spine to stand up to his daughter. Sounds like the same SD too because DH has now become the target, no calls for Christmas New Year expect Easter will be the same.......Oh well, guess that's what happens when you bring your children up to believe they are "special" and the world should be grateful for their useless existence.

You and I are however a little different, you at least would give your SD another chance if she was told in front of you to respect you, I could not. I cannot get over the evil and bitterness in this young woman, I cannot forget her bf told my dh if you want to see your grandaughter then you have to leave your wife, I cannot forget that she deliberatly had this baby because she had not a doubt in her mind that if she had a baby her daddy would leave me for her, I cannot and will not allow the hatred and evil that exudes from her into my home again, and if DH wants to visit her then he can live with he because I will not put up with his attitude because he has spoken to his daughter, and I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH A WOMAN WHO HAS MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR SHE WANTS MYSELF AND MY DH DEAD, he can make excuses for her over that, he can say, oh well I left her mother a lifetime ago and you have to understand she is mad, but me, no way in hell, because these are not idle words, this was a threat, even her bf suggested I be careful, again dh, said, no, she wouldn't do anything. Well given half the opportunity, she would, this is not a woman who is in her right mind, this is a woman who tried to throw herself out of a moving car because BF spoke to her father and myself when she had instructed him not to, he was to hate us as she did. No way would I give her another chance she had 8 years to change and she did she got more manipulatie more cunning more evil and she hated us more and more despite what her daddy says.

He speaks to her and it is as if she was here all over again. To be 100% honest if I were to find out he was seeing her I would leave no questions asked, well I would throw him out actually because I would see that as the ultimate betrayal. The only way I would accept him seeing her was if she was to ring here and apologise her guts out, admit she was horribly wrong and beg my forgiveness, because then I could accept he was not condoning her behaviour. The way things stand for him to visit her knowing she wants me dead etc., is something I would not tolerate to me that would be tandamount to him saying I agree with you, I think you are right and no matter what you have said and done to my wife and myself it is okay, you can have exactly what is was you set out to get, me leaving my wife at home and visiting you, no consequences to you my daughter. But that will never happen, because my SD is always right, even when she is wrong she is right and she has never and will never apologise to anyone because nothing is her fault. She could run you over and it would be your fault and she would have no remorse.

The biggest problem here of course is DH he cannot put SD in her place, never could and he cannot help believing her innocent little girl act, so as a consequence of that act he actually believes that I AM the cause of all the trouble. He speaks to her, brings the attitude home, we fight about it all over again. He then remembers what happened and things settle down till the next time. He has spoken with her for probably less than 10 minutes in the last 3 months and only phone contact and as far as I'm concerned that's 10 minutes too much.

No more for me thanks getting far too old for this nonsense.

Whimsey loved your gags! Liaison officer -- so true in my case too!!!!!! That'll set me up laughing for the day and the punchline! Loved it

Heck no I didn't tell SD I disengaged from her sorry ass. She doesn't deserve any of my attention, even in a letter telling her why I think she sucks.

Nope, didn't bother to tell her, my disengagement is my choice to forge forward with a peaceful happy life with DH and keep my sanity intact. I'm done with her histrionics.....done !!

Just like it was her choice for years to disrespect DH and I , and spin her lies etc. Everybody has freewill and everybody has a choice. Like all the other selfish, entitled skids, I guess I am missed only when there are no cards and presents..... Would love to tell her that I now spend that money on me !!! }:)

My step adults stopped talking to h in order to blackmail him for part of his inheritance. Sine they were not talking to h I never had to see or talk to them. This has gone on for over 4 years. I spoke to sd 35 for the first time in years last spring and she accused me of liking things the way they were. My response. I didn't have to do anything you and your grown baby of a brother did it all. So yeah at that point ss and ss36 had figured out that their punishment wasn't exactly punishment for me. I at that time admitted to sd that yes I did like it because it was peaceful. So I did not really announce that I was disengaging -circumstances just happened so that I was able to disengage without them even knowing it they were so intent on thinking that they were getting revenge on h and I by withholding themselves and the gskids. Little did they know that this fit my decision perfectly.
In our conversation, I did tell sd35 that I had stopped reminding h to call, Her response wasto say I wasjUst awful for doing this. According to sd I was a horrible person for doing this. I informed sd that she was an adult and so was her father so they needed to assume responsibility for their own relationship and not blame others. That obviously did not sink in as she accused me of controlling h and keeping or preventing h from contacting her. Sd seemed to conveniently forget that she only talks to h on his cell phone and typically during the day when I am at work. Ridiculous accusation. Must be easier to believe evil sm keeps daddy from chasing you than to realize you just fricken wore old dad out and he no longer cares to try. In retrospect I would have been better to never acknowledge anything sd said last spring as it was a waste of my time.

Oh I LOVE that bit about being criticised for stopping getting him to call. Thanks for the warning. In our family, if I had not made all the moves to bond the 3 of my skids with their dad by practical planning and communication all those years back, they would have no relationship at all. Ah the comedy of it all. I haven't worked on him in this way for years, oh how funny, the number of years they have neglected him apart from to ask for money.

There is no reason to. It'll just provoke them into saying "Good" or something else nasty and doesn't better the current or future situation in any way. They'll catch on quickly enough and frankly will mostly find it frustrating.

I very recently disengaged from sd18 after 15 years of dealing with her crap. She left our home in July with no notice (except for a letter she left) to go live with bm. She got kicked out of bm's house after about 3 weeks and lives with her grandparents now (dh's parents who live 5 min away). She is pregnant and back in touch with dh, I presume because she'll need to try and get as much as she can from him now that she's having a baby. I haven't had any contact with her since she left in July, which blows my mind because I had thought things were improving before she up and left. She didn't acknowledge my Bday, nor did my in laws, so I'm guessing sd had been making up her stories again to win her grandparents back over. A couple weeks ago I had to pick my kids up at my in laws after school and sd was there and she hid around the corner to avoid me. This was the final slap in the face for me, as I hadn't done crap to this girl.

So obviously I never communicated to her that I was disengaging, but I did tell dh. He told me to do what I had to do and was not mad about it. I thought it in my best interest to mention it to him because I know sd is going to tire of the grandparents rules eventually and want to leave there. That's her pattern. By telling dh I was disengaging I'm hoping that it will deter him from considering letting her come back to our house. I thought she was a nightmare before, I can only imagine how much worse the entitlement will be with a baby. My goal now is to have as little contact as possiblw with anyone in dh's family. I'm kind of sad it took me 15 years to realize and accept my place with dh's family, because I believe the years of stress largely contributed to medical issues I now deal with. But on the same token it feels very liberating to say F them, and really mean it this time.

No I didn't write or tell her. I think she got the message when she came here one day and I to her she was not welcome in my home ever again.

But for the record no I don't think it is necessary to write to or tell them. They wouldn't appreciate or respect the courtesy anyway. I think it would only add fuel to the fire anyway. Just another thing for them to get mad about. God knows they're mad enough already.

A agree with EBU. After putting up with her and your in-laws for 15 years no one deserves an explanation. The only thing you have to say is that you no longer want her living in your home if the occasion arises. Be aware that even though your DH is cooperative now SD may try to use the 'grandchild' card to manipulate DH. Please don't get sucked into it – stand your ground. By the way, that liberated feeling even gets better the longer you disengage. Good luck to you.

I guess if you occasionally talk to your SD, you might have to tell her at some point why you aren't calling her. I say let it go until she asks, and if she doesn't, well, then you didn't have to have that uncomfortable confrontation. If she does ask, tell her the truth calmly and honestly. Tell her the expectations you have and see if she meets them. If not, well, you didn't have to have any more uncomfortable confrontations with her.

I didn't quite call up/write my SD telling her I disengaged. She happened to call me to tell me my fil passed away, not sure why she 'needed' to beat my DH and mil to it, then proceeded to carry on with the conversation like we were best buds. This was about 5 months after she texted me how she was throwing in the towel and didn't care to mend things with us anymore, doesn't trust me or her dad (used his first name), don't want to see or speak to us ever again, I ruined her life and DH relationship, we treated her like the redhead stepchild that HAD to be part of our family, I won the battle I've been fighting with her since she was 3, etc (because DH banned her from our house after coming down starting her usual drama at 23)... I politely asked her if she thought it was okay to just call me like she hadn't said all that to me, and shown me over the years her true feelings. I told her if she ever want to speak to me again, she would either need to give me specifics now or apologize. She couldn't do either (was at a lost for words actually) so I told her until she can have that conversation with me not to bother ever calling me again.

ETA: Oh my just realized this post is 5 years old.