Husband kept trying to get me to be a part after I withdrew and for him I kept being sucked back in for awhile. The last time my SS had one of his spasms where we were to blame and hubby thought I should be forgiving I told him exactly what his son was going to do and how having interactions with him would play out. I told him that I would give him one more chance but I would not longer tolerate his games and if he wanted to put blame on me that would be the last I would ever have to do with the kid. Sure enough, like clock work, it all happened. Husband never pestered me to have anything more to do with his son. I did not reply to the SS's many hate-filled emails, I did not explain myself and I had no more contact with him. It's been 5-6 years now.

I think it really depends on your individual situation

I'm pretty disengaged from my husbands eldest daughter, but really it took a long time and a lot of abuse from her before I got to this point

Initially I did try to talk to her and tell her that if she didn't change her treatment of me I was going to disengage, and believe me, in my case anyway that did not work - that just gave her all the power and ammunition she needed to turn it around and try to make it all my fault

Eventually after years of her crap she seemed to 'come around' and I was silly doormat who jumped right back to kissing her ass and trying to have a relationship with her. Just for her to turn around and do it all over again. Except the second time round, I was now angry, fed up, and felt there was no point of return in the non-relationship with her

I did not say a word to her the second time round about disengaging. And I didn't do it all at once either. At the time she was now in her mid-twenties (first time it happened she was in her teens) and the humiliation, anger and resentment I felt as a result of how her actions affected me were enough to make me to turn to slow but gradual steps at disengaging from her.

As an adult she had always been invited to our home for Sunday night dinners, would go for a long time rudely not accepting invites or accepting and being extremely rude while there. Well, when she stopped coming for the second round, we never invited her again. Even years later (recently) when she hints about being in our area all the time, there are no invites. Done

I don't call her, or try to engage her in any conversations.

At DH's family get together's I am polite and classy, always respectful, but avoid her at all costs. I'm positive and happy, friendly and talkative especially to the ones who are decent to me, and simply stay as far away from her as possible

I used to fall over backwards for both DH's daughter's including her, now I am just polite and respectful. But I avoid doing anything for her at all

I no longer have any desire to have any relationship with her. Truly that is her loss

Your individual situation I think will dictate to what level you disengage, and how you go about it. Just do what keeps you away from their bad energy, but always try to do it with grace and maturity

For me disengaging has been to step out of the line of fire! I don't call skids, invite them over or shop for them anymore... nothing, this is all DH's responsibility since they are his. I tried to be engaged but only get snubbed, accused and excluded. If I know ss30 will be visiting I will do my best not to be home.

I have not communicated to DH about this, I just did it. The only time I hinted at it was near oldest gskids b day. DH wanted me to stop at Walmart and pick him out a gift on my way home but I reminded DH that the last set of gifts I had bought had been returned to me because adult skids thought they were annoying. No thank you, just a rude return. So DH gets to do all the shopping now.

We havent seen ss26 and gskids for almost 3 mos and they live 10 mins away. I havent asked DH how they are, hinted to invite them over, nothing. If he wants a relationship with his skids, gskids, he'll have to initiate it, it's not my job. DH is free to see them whenever he likes, have them over or go visit them. I am always cordial and friendly to them when they come over...if I'm home.

Great post StepAside! I finally have that redirect down to a fine art LOL. Whenever DH mentions SD stuff I just hmm, that's nice. Want to go for a walk or What do you want to eat tonight? etc. etc.

When the shit hit the fan in my step world disengaging was my only hope of survival. My health was far too fragile by the time I realized how serious my stress level was.

DH knew this too.... I did not announce I was disengaging but I did tell him I need a break from SD for a while. He was very understanding - for about 2 weeks. Then more shit hit the fan. He thought 1 week or 2 is enough.

Then the fights began. I truly wished I never mentioned needing a break. Just back off slowly and do not discuss the step kids. DH's seem to get very defensive and angry if we aren't catering to his 1st kids.

It is not an easy process and there will be fights but try to stay calm and keep your eye on the prize - a peacefull - asshole free world LOL.

I have been disengaged for three years now from step adults...at first it was tough for about 3 months. I have been married to dh for 27 years..(yes, it took me that long to finally break off the unhealthy do-dependancy I had been groomed over a long period of time to come to accept as "normal" for their family. What I failed to see was all of the mental and emotional abuse imposed on myself and my now family...After many months of counseling...i was able to re-direct the life patterns that I had been so accustomed to...

What I didn't realize...was the damaging effect long term trauma had on my perspective. It wasn't until after I totally disengaged was I able to step out of that toxic culture and look at it with the help of a counselor to see how far and how deep these people had damaged my self esteem and tried to completely decimate my identity...

The reason you disengage is just as important as the decision to disengage...I did it to get "me" back. My earlier inability to set healthy boundaries (as I was following dh's footsteps)...only left our lives completely unprotected from their insatiable appetites to completely destroy our happiness. I let them speak into my identity things that were not true...trying to keep the peace as many of you have walked the role of the unsung martyr...

Then, one day I realized this was not the life I had imagined and if their acceptance of me was the key to my happiness...they were holding my future hostage...so I decided to get a new key...

I disengaged for me...(as selfish as that may sound)...If I wasn't gong to take a stand for my future, my family, my self respect...then who will? DH?...(yeah right)...He was too busy trying to overcompensate and pacify everyone from his broken family...the problem was...he was part of the problem. I realized I had to do this on my own...for myself...and still remain a solo player when it comes to disengagement...For me, it was the natural next move. After years of buying the gifts, planning the social calendar, hosting the parties,,,,giving my dh endless hours of advice for his children's sake...step kids waving acceptance out there like a carrot on a stick to manipulate and control...then using the grandkids as weapons to hurt us...That was the final straw for me...I decided to give them what they have been screaming for my whole married life...absolutely nothing...

I then started a three year journey to completely focus on myself and work on getting free from my own baggage in life that allowed me to get in such a mess to begin with...I have made great strides in my new founded freedom...and have used the situation to continue to work on me. I realized how much of their baggage I picked up that was not mine to contend with...I realized I gave them too much power to speak unhealthy things into my life...I realized dh and bm really handled their divorce poorly and the adverse effects it had on their family was not my fault and was not mine to fix...I realized If I wanted my future to be different than the past 25 years...it was up to me to make the change...I realized the power I have to design my own awesome legacy for my own children...the freedom did not come from only disengaging the step adults and getting their toxic culture out of my home...It came from me being able to move into my own life journey and discovering who I was created to be...and becoming the best version of me I can...I am so much more than a stepmother title...i have many different roles that I play....and I went from steplife consuming my life...to controlling that role into a small sliver of my life...

The point is You control what you will do with your life...I wasted so many years chasing an illusion...I am now enjoying my purpose and allow steps very little exposure to my life...It's MY choice...they no longer have the luxury of being in my inner circle...My choice...it is no longer whether they accept me or not...it is irrelevant...It isn't about them at all...they are stuck in the past and have nothing new to say...I am embarking on a dynamic future that I have designed without them....I know if something were to happen to dh...I would have nothing with these people...So, with that being said...I have grieved their loss...and I have now accepted reality for what it is...I have turned my energy toward my own children and my own grandchildren...dh is left to engage with them on his own...

After witnessing their exclusionary behavior...dh understands my position...the trust has been completely shattered...for me...I think dh still craves their acceptance so bad..he is wiling to exchange all self respect to get it...Me? not so much...I have removed myself from feeding into that culture and will never return to that way of thinking or being again...although I regret the time I have wasted...I am so thankful I have escaped the clutches of their twisted way of thinking...

So, with that being said...if your focus is on them at all regarding your outcome...controlling the way they behave or think...they still have too much power over your thinking...You have to be able to walk away and let it go...I am still married to my dh...but I have definitely released the step adults to their maker....they are adults and need to individualize....now...their baggage is between them and the God that they serve...It is none of my business...and there is so much more peace in my life since I laid it all down....Now...where did I put my paintbrush?...time to work on something more fun....embrace your freedom...become everything you were created to be while you still have the time..because life is shorter than you think...peace

There has been awesome advice on this thread! I feel the most important piece has been to not announce you are done (disengaged) being abused by your husbands adult children. I personally found subtle letting go (disengagement) to be quite effective. A big announcement would have only invited further drama into my life. And that was the last thing I wanted!

The only thing I will add is the following realities I needed to face in order to fully let go (disengage) from my DH's children.

My DH's children are not my children and I am not responsible for them. Especially financially.
I was not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
I am not responsible for what kind of people they are.
I am not responsible for what kind of people they become.
I am not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because I married their dad.
I am not responsible for raising my DH's kids; all this responsibility falls on DH; even though he is not doing it as I would.
My DH is not a mother.
My DH is not going to raise/parent his children the way I would.
I am not responsible for the happiness of DH's children.
I was not married to DH's ex-wife. I do not have to deal or put up with her or her alcoholic husband toxic and vile treatment of me "for the sake of the children".

I wanted to let go of it all quietly, sanely, in my own way and on my terms. It was a process that took a couple years. I've been fully disengaged for 5+ years. My DH's kids were 12 and 15 when I completely let it all go.

Once I had a firm grasp on the above, the letting go became easier. I have the ability to compartmentalize this unpleasant aspect of my life and I have learned very valuable lessons from DH's vile first family. I do not wish any harm on DH's children, but I will not allow DH, his children, his ex-wife or her husband scapegoat me or penetrate my life, happiness and well being.

There are a couple of sayings that I really like that have helped me through my letting go process. "I would rather live a short happy life than live a long life in a miserable way." And this one, which I think is funny but very true; "Any time you can get away from a crazy person, DO IT!"

I hope in some way, this tidbit of information I shared is helpful to you.

Good luck and keep us posted!

P.S. Another thing that helped me in my disengagement is I stopped calling DH's kids my stepkids. That would insinuate I am their stepmom, and I'm not. They have a mother and don't need another one. In fact, the true definition of being a stepmom is when a woman marries a widowed man with children. In other words, the children are motherless. I started referring to them as DH's children from a previous marriage:-) That felt sooooo much more truthful to me!

It really is helpful to see how many of us are in the same boat with our husbands' adult kids. The only one I really have a problem with is his 33 year old married, with a child of her own, daughter. She hasn't accepted me since the first day we met. I met my husband after he was divorced so it's not like I broke up her parents' marriage. It got worse when he told her we were getting married. She never asked how the wedding plans were going, even though her husband would ask us. She came to the wedding, pouted, didn't speak to me, and left early. I have tried over and over to be nice to her.

I do my best to just stay away from her, but it irritates me that my husband has never addressed her behavior with her. I do a good job of not thinking about her, until she calls or texts her father. It's usually a picture of her 2 year old on a weekend morning so it's the first thing he sees when he checks his phone. He'll even say that she'll be upset if he doesn't comment on the photo right away.

I feel hurt that he has never stood up for me where she is concerned. If one of my adult kids treated my husband with disrespect, I'd certainly say something. I'm not comfortable having her in our home because it's so awkward.

I bought her daughter's birthday presents a few months ago, picking out some cute outfits and pajamas. She knows damn well her father didn't do the shopping. She only texted a thank you when he asked her if the child got some nice presents. The clothes are probably still in the gift bag. We also bought her and her husband a gift certificate for their favorite restaurant for their anniversary (not my idea for sure). She again texted her father to say thanks, and not me. She always manages to make me feel like the outsider and not part of the family.

Peacemaker, I just re-read your post and agree with that you said about disengagement. Letting them exclude us and treat us with disrespect gives them too much power over our feelings. I need to remember this and not let my husband's daughter's treatment of me bother me. She has the problem, not me.