I wish I could personally tell you it gets better but then my nose would grow really long lol. I came into my relationship with my BF wanting to give his S10 a chance and at first we seemed to hit it off and get along seemingly well. But the more time I spent with him the more I got to see what he was really like! Whiney, bratty, sore loser, spies like us, etc. So NOW I cant stand him and dont ever want to be around him. Ever. I was/am honest with my BF about my feelings towards/about skid and he accepts and respects my feelings. Obviously Im sure he wishes that everything could be sunshine and rainbows but its not and it never will be!!!

His kid and bm are literally in my mind a road block to me & BF having the perfect relationship. If they werent in the picture everything would be great! For sooo many reasons! Of course BF and I have our disagreements and issues but nothing that gets me to the point where I just want to end it permanently. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING positive or beneficial about having them in the picture. When they are out of sight out of mind things are great...my BF, myself, and my S8 have the perfect family dynamic going. Then they waltz in the picture and BAM there is nothing but stress, dread, and bullshit.

I am however thankful that my BF puts ME & US FIRST!!! Yes we can have little squabbles about skid/bm bullshit but at the end of the day he wants to be with me and for us to work and last forever! Skid and bm have NO CONTROL OR POWER over us and our relationship unless we let them...its hard at times but it is what it is unfortunately. I really wish they would fall off the face of the earth but I guess only having skid EOWE and Wedn for 2 hours is not as bad as it COULD be

The only way that this can work, successfully, is for you and DH to be on the SAME PAGE!!! Do not let skid or bm run and control DH, you, or your relationship. Bottom line.

Just because you don't like SD, doesn't mean you don't love her. Stepkids are very hard. I am not married but I am a first time stepmom figure so to speak. SD4 (stepdaughter age 4) is the hardest for me. SS6 (stepson age 6) is easier to handle. SD4 will fight and argue. BM (baby mama) will tell the kids not to listen to me just to make my life harder when the kids are with us. The father does not discipline the way I would either. For example, SD4 was on punishment for not listening so I had her standing in the corner facing the wall in the kitchen. I went to check on her and she peeled the paint off the cabinet!! I was so mad when the father got home I told him what happened and all he did was have her apologize to me. Now, I have to repaint all of my cabinets so they will all still be matching. The father lets these kids get away with murder. I feel out of place telling him they need more discipline because they aren't my bio kids. But something's gotta give. I would love to tell you it gets better but for me, so far no. The BM even throws the kids bags and shoes and stuff literally at my car and in the street, she screams and yells, occasionally cops escort off the premesis whether it be at a residence or a neutral public place. The bio parents never understand what it is like coming into the game as a step parent and trying to gain that trust, understanding, and respect from a stepchild. Especially when the other bio parent is working against you. You have to stay strong and stay consistent with the stepkids. If SD13 is being rude and disrespectful, punish her. Just tell her, I don't care if you like me but you will respect me. Give her special cleaning projects to do while she is grounded or take away all electronics for a while. Come up with unique punishments she will remember. If she is trying so hard to run things, let her run the household for about a month. Meaning, let her use all of her allowance to put on bills or buy necessities for the house, let her do all cleaning, yardwork, etc. Make her prepare meals for the family and do all the laundry. Let her see what it is like to be an adult and maybe she won't be in such a rush. If the hubby says no, explain to him when you got married you took on half the responsibility of this child and you will punish her as you see fit in hubby's absence.

Being a SM isn't about being a kid's best friend, or SM of the year. Those dreams are usually the first ones shattered.
Discipline needs to also come from your DH. If the two of you don't present a united front, the child continues to get away with murder and walk all over you. It may or may not get better but it certainly isn't going to get better without some rules, consistency and discipline. I cannot stress enough that it also has to come from DH. He is not doing his daughter any favors by allowing her to carry on like this. She is testing the waters, that does not mean you have to allow this. Do not try to be her friend- that's the worst thing, and an unhealthy dynamic. You are an adult and an authority figure. When children are running the house it is because the adults are allowing it. You don't need to give birth to a child to feel a connection, adoptive parents are a prime example of this. You also can't force a connection. This child does not have to love you and worship the ground you walk on. This child has to respect you (and some of that is earned). Be patient but firm with her. This is her way of making sense of her situation and what your role is and what her limits are. Be consistent, and get DH on board.

When her mother complains that she has to deal with the behavior when ad is back in her care, remind BM that you are reinforcing your DH's discipline (which is to do nothing), maybe she'll change her tune. So, if BM left her daughter with a sitter, the daughter should have free reign of the house? I think not.

Your husband is the bigger issue here. He needs to be a parent, and that means disciplining his child. Instead of being mad at the teacher, who is doing her job which is hard enough without your sd disrupting her classroom, he needs to do his job as a parent. Yes people get defensive about their children. But, I'm assuming your DH knew you were capable of having a rational opinion when he married you. Allowing his daughter to be disrespectful to you is the same as him disrespecting you himself.

I've been around plenty of kids and I can tell you the only ones who act like this are the ones who have parents that allow it.

I have found that the more I said to my DH about SS and SS's behaviour DH would either take it personally or think I was picking on SS. He would say you hate my son or think I was calling him an unfit parent.

So I started talking less and showing more. In other words, if I was you and SD is throwing a fit at dinner I would just excuse myself and say "I have lost my appetite" and go to your room or for a drive or walk. If you are at the store or restaurant and she acts out I would just tell your BF "I am sorry but I am embarrassed so I will wait for you all in the car".

If she is especially rude or interupting in the evening call it an early night go take a hot bath, and read a book just make sure that your BF knows you are "asleep" when he comes to bed so there will be no rewarding his behaviour if he chooses to not deal with her!!!

Think about ways that you can let your BF and SD know that you are displeased with both of their behaviours without actually saying a word.

Oy. You're in for it dear. (We all are in for it, lol). Honestly it does not get much better. It's tough at any age, but you came in at that Tween, emotional age where everything is already set so it's hard to have even a minute bit of impact for the good in this child's life. She's 11--she is who she is. And your dear Husband is Guilt-Parenting which means he's overly permissive and very much unaware of the consequences of allowing a child to be an Adult in the home. Funny thing about the Parents is they marry us and claim us to be as One, but when it comes to their kids, we are definitely on the outside. We are not treated 'as one' or given very much regard in our own homes when it involves the kids. We are to only do what they ask of us (such as babysit, pay for stuff, run errands) and smile and nod. That's the role many Parents want their new spouses to have.

This child is not your child and you will not love it like your own. To me that's Bull that people say to feel like Saints or something but rare does anyone love a child like their own esp when that child is hateful and the Parents, difficult. It's not like adoption where you choose and solely raise a child with your spouse. This is someone else's kid, with someone else as primary influence, behaviors, patterns, genetics and the whole fantasy of 'instabond' or even 'everbond' is just that--a fantasy.

At best we can hope the kids are likable, respectable and decent and we can hope the Parents are structured, mature and open. But what normally happens is what you are going through. You get into a "wife vs child" situation which is never good. But it's tricky to address because the Parents have such an emotional defensive wall up concerning their kids. Even good input from the outside can be met with resistance. Addressing it as neutral as possible still can be met with anger. So we walk this minefield of trying to remain who we are while being married and trying to be the neutral party in the family.

Parents can cause so much resentment that it becomes impossible to ever look past the drama and embrace the situation. Disengaging becomes the only option in such impassable situations. It's not the best plan -more like living in a Safe Room while your house is being burglarized- but at least it's peaceful and safe in there for the moment. Lol

My SS8 is not the worse kid but I still barely like him and have zero connection to him. He's like a "kid next door" to me so he's not mistreated but he's not adored either. I've adored some of my Ex's children when dating but those were cool, personable kids so I know I'm capable. My own daughter is grown and was a stepkid and that worked out fine. But this child-he is sullen, smug, mouthy, greedy, lazy kid & he's so manipulative that I must always second guess his motives when he's being decent. It's always a set up to ask for something. After several blow ups between DH & I, DH steers him clear of me for most part and I of him but I can't stand the way he talks to my Husband. I'll stop him cold in his tracks when wimpy old DH won't do it. He also must follow the rules of this house so it's tolerable for me. The BM is intolerable and DH is working on that so I'm giving him time. So I guess my best hope is that it gets tolerable. I hope the same for you.

i will share with you i have been married for over a year,, a step parent and i am getting ready to have a baby of our own....when i first started this step parent role i tried hard and no matter what i do or did the child doesnt want to do what i want...we went on vacation this past summer to the beach and i came to the realization that i cant stand my step son and sometimes my husband for allowing this behaviour....i would reccomend therapy and that has worked for us and i know you dont want to tell him you dont like his child and honestly thats normal..the child isnt yours..but you need for yourself to find balance in therapy because no matter how much exposure you have to children its different when you are dealing with a child that isnt yours...and the other parent the ex of your husband...i would say 99% of our arguements are about his child or his exwife...and you dont want to leave and i get that..so you need to find someone to vent to and find ways to deal with this situation..sometimes medication,,just kidding..but the longer you stay the worst it gets and then at your breaking point it will get better...and then somedays it will be worse...but the fact that you wanna stay and try is huge...i feel for you and hope it gets better:):)

Sorry to say it doesn't get easier.. only harder.
I met my DH and we lived in different states. (3 hr drive) so we got to spend the weekends together a total of 45 hrs. So his Daughter was no problem during that 6 month courtship. I was thinking she and I could become friends and we would be a big happy family.. oh how that thought got crushed very quickly.
Fast Forward 12 yrs.. SD is now 22 yrs old, she is still trying to destroy the marriage and we are no longer on speaking terms.
Wish I could say it will work out but in my experience it just gets harder.

DO NOT have children. It does not make things better. Your fantasy of a instant family was likely doomed from the start and is certainly cold dead now. Don't try to revive it as it only gives the girl more power as you try and try and fail and fail to move her. You don't have much time invested in this so my recommendation is to get out. You gave it a college try and it didn't work. Don't throw any more time into this. But if you insist on staying read on.

I haven't read the other replies so perhaps you're already aware of this:

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html