Do you feel like your SK is killing you? Literally killing you?
Ok i have had anxiety for most of my life. When i get in stressful or confortational situations i tend to get anxiety and my heart beats fast. For the most part its normal.
Well lately i have had tightness in my chest and left arm and the fingers get a little numb. My jaw tightens and throat feels like im being chocked almost. The first time it happened was about a week ago and i was sure i was having a heart attack. I have had pain in my chest occassionally off and on but i think it is usually indegestion. So the first thought to my head was oh my gosh maybe it has not been indegestion this whole time. Maybe i have had heart problems for a while. I was terrified and rush to the ER. They did test and told me i was perfectly healthy. Whew! But then i noticed i would still get it thru out the week. Well i saw my doctor and she told me it sounded like anxiety. She asked a lot of questions and all my answers pointed to me having anxiety and even panick attacks! I was shocked.
Well to shorten this long story, i will get to the point. I realized that the tightness comes when i think about my SD9 and how much she drives me crazy. She is not that bad as of late and i barely see her anymore but i did get into a BIG argument with her mother and grandmother bc they were being rude to my DH and I. Just typing this my jaw is tightening. Lol. Gosh... They are going to kill me. The jaw thing is TMJ/TMD. Its when u clench your jaw out of stress and dont realize u r doing it and it causes all sorts of pain that lasts a while.
Does anyone else have this problem and how do u deal? I have been stressed i am not a stranger to conflict though i try very hard to avoid it but this situation is still so new to me. I have been married only 8 months and perhaps i have not learned to deal properly. Any advice?
I would really love to no longer feel like i am going to die. Even when i try to ignore it and move on, it still comes back.
If you feel that your life is
If you feel that your life is in danger, why are you still there?
I have severe anxiety, have
I have severe anxiety, have had it most of my life, and yes, the SS really makes it a lot worse. I have been put thru extreme traumas by BM and SS that I have not posted about yet because I am afraid BM may stalk me on here like she tries to do on FB and Pinterest and I need this site to be able to vent and meet other people like me anonymously. Sounds a tad bit paranoid, yes, but this woman has proven herself time and time again to be that crazy, plus, she has recently married a man with two kids so she can sponge off of him like she does everyone else and for all I know she may be on here as as SM as well. Anyway, back to the topic, anxiety attacks are real, scary, and definitely bad for your health. I have PTSD now because of the things BM and SS have caused to happen to me. I have completely cut off all contact with BM in order to not flip my s%@t all the way. The mere thought of her, not just the sight or sound of her, just the thought of her brings my blood to a boil, so I try very hard to not think about her. I think the one thing that will help me the most is to finally confront her and tell her off, but to be honest, I don't trust myself enough at this point to do it without trying to knock her teeth down her throat, and, though it would be my greatest pleasure to make her have to drink her meals thru a straw, it is not worth going to jail or deal with the legal aftermath it would cause. I know I will not have closure until I can calm my hatred for her enough to tell her everything that brews and stews inside of me, so until then, I just try to keep myself busy and my mind off of her and all that she has cost me. I highly recommend yoga. If you get online, there are tons of free videos. I also highly recommend an anti anxiety med like Xanax. Meds are not the long term answer, but sometimes, man, you just literally need a chill pill. Taking a long walk is also helpful. Pets are a lifesaver, and disengaging from the child and your DH's involvement with them as much as possible is a must. The question that remains however is can you live like that? Feeling like your life is fractured and incomplete and dictated by a child's presence or absence. I love my husband but spend a great deal of my time miserable because of his past life, and I know there has to be a better solution I just don't know what that is short of leaving and to do that would mean I gave up and let them win and I cannot stand the thought of that. The idea of them ruining my marriage is more horrible than the thought of staying in it right now. Granted, I vacillate between packing my s$@t and staying no matter what multiple times a day usually, and that in itself creates anxiety. I daydream about living a simple, carefree, drama free, stress free, stepchild free, husband free, life totally alone, and sometimes it seems like the better option. I think back to my life before I willingly walked into this hell and it seems so far away, like a dream, and I get so upset that I let that go, but at the time, I thought I was making the best decision of my life to be with my DH, I just had no idea.
Thank u so much. Very
Thank u so much. Very helpful. I will try the yoga. And i am so much like that too, it only takes a thought. All i have to do is think about how much they bug me and my blood boils. And i know that if i confront the BM it will knly make matters worse. One thing i have noticed about her is that she likes knowing she is thought of. She likes conflict and seems to thrive from it. Ignoring her seems to be the best way to let her know she does not get under my skin. I also day dream about no longer having to deal with this but like u, i just love my hubby and so far the good out weighs the bad. And actually i have it easy compared to most. So if i can just get this one thing under control then i should be solid.
My DH's ex is the same way.
My DH's ex is the same way. She is addicted to drama and loves conflict. She is like a spoiled child herself. She loves to push people's buttons and is so stubborn and pig headed and is a major reason why my DH and I issues in our relationship outside of SS. In the beginning, he was so conditioned to putting up with a bitch that he didn't know how to function in a healthy relationship with a woman who was not hell bent on driving him nuts. She really did a number on his head and it took me a long time to get him to see that a normal relationship is not toxic like the one he had with her was, if you can really call it a relationship even actually. She trapped him with a kid because he did not want to be with her, long story, booty call, college days, obsessed stupid selfish immature girl, dumb drunk guy who did not practice safe sex, and she ended up pregnant and laid the blame on him although I have very valid suspicions that lead me to believe he is quite possibly not even the real biological father, but that is a whole other can of worms. Ignoring has been a good thing for me too, at least in combat with her need for drama, not so good for me, when in this last year she has almost destroyed me and I would give anything to tell her everything I need to say, but, ignoring her I know makes her wonder all the time when it is coming, what am I finally going to do, and she now knows better than to ever dare text me or attempt to contact me in any way because she nows if she initiates it that will be my invitation to set her straight and honestly I think she is a bit afraid of me at this point after what she has done. (She would not leave the court room after the last custody hearing until she was given a police escort because I was still in the building) Again, mainly for the scene it created and to ensure all eyes were on her and to play the victim and try and make me look bad. I loved it and everyone that was there knew her and she just made a fool of herself. I'd love to get my hands on her if it were not for the fact I would go to jail, but if I was going to beat her ass I would certainly not do it in a COURTHOUSE. My best advice is NO contact at all whatsoever and do not try and take on any kind of parental role with the SD. VERY easier said than done, especially, with DH's like ours that do not do what they should and our instinct is to step in and correct it. I was the WORLD's worst about it for a long time because it was just disgusting to see this man I love and adore be walked all over by a kid, but I have just resigned myself to the fact that if I try to help, in his mind, I am criticizing, controlling, and being a bitch, and instead of the attention being placed on the bad behavior of the child it is transferred to me, and the little brat sits back and smirks. So, I have decided to let him sink his own ship, not help, not outwardly give a damn, and let him really see how bad it truly is when he cannot take it anymore. It works to a degree but still not the magic answer.
Like what u said. Quote: " it
Like what u said. Quote: " it was just disgusting to see this man I love and adore be walked all over by a kid, but I have just resigned myself to the fact that if I try to help, in his mind, I am criticizing, controlling, and being a bitch..." Thats exactly the case with me. And i have stepped aside but in some situations (ie her "borrowing" with out permission and taking it in her room and hiding it) then i have to get involved at least enough to talk to him and tell him that if she keeps it up then HE will have to buy me these thing to replace what she takes. But most of the time i just stay out of it unless it concerns me and i dont feel he is doing anything. And he gets very defensive which i understand bc thats his child so i just try to be gentle and mot sound like i am criticizing but i get frustrated if the situation goes unaddressed completely or remains unresolved.
Yes, staying out of it fixes
Yes, staying out of it fixes on issue somewhat, but then setting back and not pointing out all the problems also creates another one because it just makes me have zero respect for my husband and resent him so badly. It is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.
Also, i sooo know what u mean
Also, i sooo know what u mean when it comes to him being surprised that a normal relationship does not involved all the drama and craziness he was used to. He is still adjusting to the fact that i am not going to blow up at him every time he ticks me off. Lol wow.
This is why I posted
This is why I posted yesterday that there should be billboards everywhere and public service messages aired on tv to warn women against marrying men that have been married before and/or have children. We pay SO much for lives they have already led that didn't work out. We come into the picture with the highest of hopes, blissfully ignorant to the realities of this life, convinced even after we see warning signs that it wont happen to us, I can fix it all, we will be different, and then once we are in the thick of it and have established a home and a life with this man, we see what we have done and it is just a nightmare.
Amen sister! Lol. Although, I
Amen sister! Lol. Although, I think it's been worth it.
Ignore her, and take up
Ignore her, and take up running. Those two things will change your whole life.
I ignored BM for a year straight. If I saw her at our kids recital and she said something I would look at her like "Eww. do I know you?" And then I kept it movin, lol. It was an awesome feeling to take back the space and energy she had been sucking with her bs. Take your life back!
Also, not many things compare to the power you feel when you get to the point where you can call yourself "a runner", and you can do that after about a month IMO.
Oh, and zoloft. That helps
Oh, and zoloft. That helps too!
I also highly recommend the
I also highly recommend the Xanax, It acts directly on the anxiety. I have the smallest dose pills, and break one in half when the anxiety comes on. It short-circuits the physical effects, and you can still function fine. You may need it very seldom, but it is a life-saver.
I feel like i am having
I feel like i am having anxiety issues due to my situation. If i can not deal with this then what happens the next time i am having anxiety? I cant run away bc i can not deal.... Sorry if i came off way too serious but it does worry me when i get them. I just wonder if any other anxious people have this issue and how do they calm down. Im trying accupuncture now and was told that other things help as well (yoga, zumba etc.). But any other help from anyone who has had anxiety would be awesome.
No my in laws are awesome. I
No my in laws are awesome. I have a problem with the sd mother and the sd grandmother on her mothers side.. They both call my husband and try to dictate like they did when he was married to her. And i already had issues with the SD. I guess it was magnified.
I suffer from anxiety. what
I suffer from anxiety. what do you want to know?
Do you have certain
Do you have certain situations that seem to bring it on or make it worse? If so, how do u tame it or keep it under control so u dont feel like your chest is hurting? For me it seems to be if my sd fies things or says things that i have repeated over again for her to stop and i have "disengaged" so i tell my dh to keep her in line but he is not good at it. And when she continues to do these things i dont know what to do bc i am trying not to get involved and my husband does not seem to care. Thats when i find my self getting so frustrated that i have to sit down and calm myself. I feel like im not being heard. Actually just writting this is pretty therapietic! Lol. I think i need to tell my husband about how i feel but i know he will just think i am picking on her. He and i only argue when its about her so i dont want to seem like i am coming between them so i should probably just try to fix thia on my own by fixing myself and how i choose to deal with problems. I cant put all the blame on her. I think i keep things inside too much and dont express myself enough and maybe causing feelings of anxiety. I dont know.
Well, let me start by saying
Well, let me start by saying I never knew this until I was an adult but I have suffered from anxiety ALL my life. I can remember as a kid being anxious. (not knowing then what it was, but recognizing it now as an adult because I remember how I felt) When I entered my late teens I was going to the ER on a regular basis for severe side pain. The pain would get worse when I would breathe, blah blah. My father suffered anxiety also. His would give him chest pain. So physically it effects us all differently.
The worse anxiety I suffer from is anticipatory anxiety. I will work myself up into somethin else anticipating something. I guess in short you could say "worry about it."
Crazy thing is I can get it out of something I enjoy also. Softball for example. I love playing. EVERYTIME before batting, I can feel the anxiety coming over me. Kinda silly huh?
What do I do? Well in the past when I was still suffering from the side pain, I would breathe through it. This was after I realized what it was. The breathing exercises was just to help me through the physical parts of anxiety. Anxiety is a mental game. I wish I had good sound advise for the mental part, I don't. I changed my situations. The ones that I could change anyway.
FDH kid and that whole situation caused me alot of anxiety. So much so I didn't realize the extent until I finally went to counseling. With her help, I was able to tell fdh that he needs to go visit his child outside of the home. (fdh parents are raising the boy, so he just goes and stays with them every weekend) The physical release was shocking to me. I literally was stressed Wednesday morning until Sunday evening. Wednesday! The kid wouldn't come until Friday, but for me Wednesday morning it started. "two more days until Friday."
I know not everyone can have it easy like that. I would spend most of my time in my bedroom, leave when I could, worked like a dog. I would even stay at work when there wasn't any work to do!
The disengaging part. Disengaging physically is only half of it, you need to disengage mentally too. You can't say that you don't care but get upset over it. Not caring is not caring, know what I mean?
What sort of things is she doing? Picking your battles is key as a parent also. Step or not.
VickkiV- I have had those
VickkiV- I have had those feelings of anxiety too, but not about my SC. It's been mostly about my job..which is another issue. I have found that running helps sooo much. I can go out for a long run and find that I am much calmer. I've tried zoloft too, and it helps even more
LOL but that's not the healthy way to go. If you are like me, I guess you have to try not to be too uptight and let go of the little things. Realizing you can't control everything....or anything is a good start, although easier said than done. I've been an uptight person my whole life and it's something I deal with daily. I don't know if it's the same with you, but finding ways to let go may help. As I type this I realize I need to follow my own advice!
Perfect advice. And u are
Perfect advice. And u are right. I have to stop sweating the small stuff and basically just shift my focus to more positie things. It is easier said then done but i think doing activities that dont allow me to dwell will be helpful. I have had a very stressful job in the past but when i go home it was like a safe place and i was able to let go. But now when the stress is IN my safe zone then it seems to be more difficult to shut it off. And i always considered myself easy going but now i realized tht in certain situations i am rather uptight and when it comes to my home, i want things ran a certain way and more specifically i want them MY way. Lol. And my SD is used to things being her way bc she has been the jr. Wifey before i came along. So maybe i just need to learn to let go (not let her be in charge) but just not be so uptight...If anyone has read any great books on how to deal with the stress of step parenting that would be great too. I am going to try everything i can before taking meds but if all else fails i will definitely take some anti anxiety meds bc this seems to be effecting my health. Not good. Thank u for the advice.
I empathize with your friend.
I empathize with your friend. It really sucks when it effects me physically. I try to let go and i suppose for my own good, i have to try harder.
This is so weird!! I have
This is so weird!! I have terrible issues with TJJ. I catch myself all the time, even when DH or SS are not here, clinching so tight, not even consciously aware of it. I have awful headaches from it and I do have a joint out of alignment on my right side right where the top and bottom jaw meet next to the ear, it pops and clicks every time I chew and my bite is off because of it. It is not noticeable by other people, but I feel it and it drives me nuts, so the constantly being pissed off at DH, SS, BM, MIL, myself, the world, aggravates it all the time. It is from a car wreck I had several years ago, my spine is out of whack too. The doctor has said that he could fix the jaw issue but I would have to have it broke and reset and I am so not ready to do that!! Another way the chronic anxiety and stress manifests is I clinch my fists all the time and when I, I hold the wheel so tight and dig my fingers into it to the point that when I snap out of it my fingers hurt. I have only been on here a couple of days, and just typing this stuff out, is really making me see even more clear than before just how unhealthy my life is.
Its crazy how the anxiety can
Its crazy how the anxiety can cause so many issues. I also grip the steering wheel too tightly usually when i am nervous or upset. . I have to constantly remind myself to let go of it and relax my hands. I dont post on here much but discussing it does help.
I am constantly reminding
I am constantly reminding myself to relax...JUST RELAX!!! I will drive for a half hour sometimes so lost in my thoughts and anger that when I look down my fingers are white from gripping the wheel so tight and stiff when I try to peel them off the wheel. It takes me days to get back to normal after SS has been here and then just when I feel half way decent it is time for him to come back and the vicious cycle just starts all over again.
Yeah it does take a few days
Yeah it does take a few days to recharge the battery. Im glad i am able to do that though. Come summer, it will be a whole other story. She will be with us for the majority of the summer. Now that i think of it, i probably will need meds.
Yes! My jaw clicks and It
Yes! My jaw clicks and It hurts in my ears and my neck and gives me headaches. I dont do it intentionally and usually i am asleep when it happens so not much i can do at that point. . Im going to get one of those mouth pieces from the dentist when i get the chance.
I was diagnosed with anxiety
I was diagnosed with anxiety almost 4 years ago and SD definitely makes things so much worse. When she isn’t around, I am fine for the most part but on our weeks with her (we have her 50/50), it gets bad. It sounds like you may be having panic attacks. When I have panic attacks, my heart beats fast, my chest gets tight, my vision gets blurry, I get really hot and lightheaded and feel like I am going to faint. The symptoms can be very similar to symptoms of a heart attack (I used to be an EMT). I was prescribed Lexapro for my anxiety and it actually helped a lot; however, I ended up gaining quite a bit of weight on it so I stopped taking it, and plus I really don’t like the idea of having to be medicated to deal with my life. If you aren’t opposed to it, maybe you could try medication. I also feel like exercise helps get a lot of the stress out. I try to go out and do things when SD is at my house. I go to the gym, go out for drinks with friends, I even work late- whatever I have to do. Being a SM is just such a stressful life, I don’t know that we will ever get used to it.