As far as the kiss on the cheek went, he did address it with her and her response was "oh I wanted him to see we get along," which he put an end to. He also explained to his son that people don't kiss and get back together.

As far as the rest of it, he agrees that it's not okay and has tried numerous things to get it to stop (addressing it with her, not answering the phone, moving away from her at games and other events). She always finds a way. He and I see eye to eye about what's appropriate and what isn't. We're having a world of trouble getting her on board. She can call daily if she likes, I'd just like a time designated. She can go to games and whatever else she likes, but find her own friends to sit with. Business matters should be handled at a designated time. Any restriction we use, she either ignores or turns it around to make us look like monsters.

I'm completely aware that she and the children will be part of my life for the rest of my life. I gave it an enormous amount of thought before dating this man to begin with. At this point, his children are already a part of my life and a responsibility I've accepted and I understand that it comes with strings (including his ex wife). She can conduct herself as she likes, we can all only control our own behavior. I didn't meet his children until I gave it all considerable thought. I was also previously married to a man with children, and have remained very close to his children as well as their mother. My ex husband respects the boundaries that have been set, and he and I manage our relationship where the children are concerned amicably and with respect, so I know it's possible. I'm willing to admit it's likely this woman will get much worse, but again, I can't control her, I can only control my reaction to her.
Marrying this man isn't some act of desperation on my part. I dated enough frogs, both with and without children, to know that the man I'm marrying has the qualities I want in a partner.

Agreed that the boundaries have to come from future DH, and he has tried to set them. We present a united front where this is concerned. In reaction to the kiss on the cheek, he told her to drop the charade and that they aren't friends. His exact words to her once were "we have to co-parent, that does not mean I am your friend." They definitely aren't friends where he's concerned. He is open about all communication from her and interaction with her. I'm sure it wasn't easy to tell me she smooched him, but he told me anyhow. I am sure she feels threatened by me, though I haven't provoked it. He will take daughter to soccer practice when it's his turn to, she will show up under the guise of being the best mom ever, plunk herself down next to him. At which point he will bring son to the playground to avoid her, as an example.
I completely agree that not telling her friends about the divorce is odd. She told her family "we decided to get a divorce, we can't work it out." she told him he shouldn't tell his family about her infidelity (which he did tell them about- not his secret to keep), and as far as the friends go, he told their close mutual friends and his own friends himself.

So far, all communication is only regarding the kids and finances as Rey pertain to the kids (they each pay half for extra curricular activities), she just can't ever lump it all into one e-mail as in "swim lessons start Sunday and I'm taking son, right? Oh, and the fundraiser for daughter is due on the 3rd. Also gymnastics is thirty dollars and if you pay for that and I pay for swimming we're even" all at once even when she has the information all at once. Future DH is proposing handling all business matters on Thursdays via e-mail, at a designated time. Other issues that come up will have to be handled the following week, other than an emergency.

You're not alone in being a bitch lol. I signed up for the PTA, and made it a point to introduce myself as future DH's fiancée as in "hi, I'm blendin, John doe's fiancée, son and daughter's soon to be step mom, so nice to meet you.". He and I routinely hold hands. I remind myself I'm really not threatened by her (she dug her own grave where the marriage was concerned), and if she's so threatened by me then damn, I must be important.

Thank you!! I did state that he doesn't answer the phone. This results in children screaming that mommy's calling!!! We want to talk to mommy!!! We inform the children they can call back when we aren't in the middle of dinner. So even though the calls don't get her anywhere, she persists. So as far as that goes, I think we'll have to just unplug the phone during dinner and at bedtime and that's that. I don't want to be some monster who keeps them from their mom.

He does move seats or take his son to the playground and then is met with his daughter being disappointed that he missed this or that during her game because he was doing the avoid mom shuffle.

She emails him about child related things. They have an agreement per their divorce that any extracurricular (other than those thattake place only on one parent's night) has to be agreed upon. So it's "we should sign son up for swim lessons, there's a school picnic on your night, blah blah). He waits a day or two to answer. Then she'll e-mail that son had trouble sleeping or daughter has a cough the next day. The thing with her is she's used to managing the social calendar so she thinks she still does. If he doesn't answer her, then she starts withholding information at her end. Ultimately the kids suffer. The last time she pulled that stunt, one of them missed a birthday party that fell on future DH's weekend because she didn't bother to pass along the invite. Daughter was obviously upset about missing the party.

I'm not sure where the idea that future DH goes along with her charade. He introduces me to other parents as his fiancée, he moves away from her when she shows up at things, I'm not sure what more be can do other than sky write it. Against her wishes, he emailed her family and told them "hey if the kids are blabbing about blendin, this is who she is."

He spoke with her yesterday and today she tells the kids "oh I won't call tonight, it bothers blendin." Future DH corrected her and said "you're welcome to call at designated times. I'd prefer you didn't call at all during the week but blendin was willing to understand that speaking to you is important to the kids, but if you've decided not to call at all we'll gladly respect that."

Very rare! But as I posted earlier, I'm also very lucky that my ex husband and I have a respectful relationship where I can still be close to his kids without him being a controlling jealous jerk. My ex husband's new girlfriend isn't a hit with his family but she managed that on her own. I had hoped that in this case we could all be adults and have respect and not resort to blocking phone calls or e mails or having to move seats every five minutes at events. I was sadly wrong.

Thank you. We aren't planning on children of our own for a long time, if ever. That might not even be a possibility or us.

As Future DH put it, he and his ex-wife are both 100% responsible for 50% of the breakdown. He took a long time after her infidelity and tried to work things out. Then he found out she never ended the affair. He still isn't blaming her, because you're right- everyone who's single is single for a reason. He took a lot of time post divorce to examine those reasons.

Definitely not starry eyed. At 32 with one divorce behind me, I'm not gunning for a situation that lands me with a second one. I do think your advice to wait on children and tread cautiously is wise and I appreciate it and agree.

We dated for almost a year before I met his kids. Having previously married a man with kids I know firsthand how gut wrenching it is when they're in your life and might not be anymore. We then dated a year after that before getting engaged. By the time we get married, we will have lived together for almost another year. Better to move slowly.

It's not about guilt it's about disruption. We want the calls at designated times so as not to disrupt dinner. If the kids are going to scream, it's still being disrupted. From now on I believe we'll just unplug the phone. No ringing equals no screaming equals quiet dinner.

He has direct communication with the school independent of her. Doesn't stop her from feeling the need to regurgitate it no matter how much he ignores it. Same with the sneezes and coughs. When I did just that concerning the party, her next e mail was about how "this is what happens when we don't communicate." ugh. I do agree that putting it back on BM helps though. Eventually the kids will see a pattern.

I am loving the idea of an e-mail that is checked once per week and accessible by both of us. If she doesn't know that I'm aware of all of her correspondence she will now. I don't have any fear that standing my ground will result in future DH going behind my back. He has been honest about things knowing they're going to piss me off. He values brutal honesty over most other things, and could have started lying ages ago of he just wanted things quiet. Her behavior bothers him as well, possibly more than it bothers me. We have already had a sit down discussion about what boundaries are necessary. We agree that whatever rule we set we don't get to complain about if it were reversed. For instance, we don't get to call at dinner time either (not that we do, just an example). I am definitely going to check that blog!