I feel horrible, but.....
....I want her kids to live permanently with their biodad. Her 13 year old boy is a good kid generally. He's really lazy and unmotivated, but everytime I start to make inroads with him, his dad tells him he can't do things with me and makes the kid feel guilty for even liking me. (they split custody, one week there, one week with us....same very small town (under 2K people). Dad is playing the whole PAS thing with the kids, he and his family talking horrible things about myself and their mother to them all the time. We've heard it happen. Just nothing we can do, as we refuse to play the same game back.....we just feel it would do nothing but mess with their minds even more.
Her 11 year old daughter is horrible. Screaming, tantrums, attention-whoring all the time. Its to the point that I get sick to my stomach at the thought of going home at night on the weeks we have the kids. I know there will hours of yelling and screaming that I have to somehow disengage from. I hate her daughter, can't stand her. I have tried and tried to be a positive influence, but there is nothing at all I can do I feel. I have just stepped away. I've pretty much stopped returning hugs and having conversation with the girl.
Hopefully, in the next year or so, I will be finding work far away (like several states away). At that point, I pray that the daughter chooses (if its her choice) to stay with her father. Even her mom, my girlfriend, wishes for the same. It makes us both feel bad, as the boy will stay too, but I just can't deal with her selfish, little, spoiled, disrespectful, brat of a demon-child anymore.
I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I have even spoken openly, quite openly, to their mom that while I want to marry her, there is no way in hell I'm doing it if it means I have to spend the next 8-10 years of my life dealing with this little demon on a regular basis.
Aaaarrggghhhhh,, just needed to vent. Thanks.
His girlfriend has 50/50
His girlfriend has 50/50 custody of two children. Is that what's confusing you?
I can commiserate, safety. SO
I can commiserate, safety. SO and I have been together about four years. Started out with 3 of 4 children 50/50. I can't stand any of them, except for oldest SD who has always been out on her own. We have the same split custody arrangement, same super small town, same big mouths on the other side. It's been hard. At one point their BM wanted to move and take skids with her. I kept quiet, but had my fingers crossed the entire time. Never happened, though. Youngest SS is almost 15 now, and the last one left in our house. Hopefully I can make it another 4 years until he's out
You are smart not to marry
You are smart not to marry right now - getting married is simple, getting unmarried is a bitch. Its so complex isn't it? I like my SD12 - she is a good kid, for me its SS7 - he is an attention whore to use your words - non stop up DHs ass, can't do anything alone, constant chaos, talking back, mouthing off, ignoring simple direction, refusal to answer anyone but DH even then its a maybe if he answers.
I've read my book in the grocery store parking lot to delay going home some days - I remember that sick feeling in my stomach wishing I had overtime so I didn't have to go home - but I had 2 children of my own to get home for - so I had to go and get dinner started - otherwise believe me....
SD12 even has a hard time - there was a short period of time where it looked like she may come live with us and leave SS7 in the 50\50 but it didn't work out. BM is less than 10 mins away - we have 50-50 and I wonder if I will make it through this SS7 or not.
Deep down DH seems to know he is done with SS7 but he refuses to give him to his mother - I suppose that shows a lot of I don't know what - SS7 wants to be with his mother and not here - why put the rest of us (5 of us) in this constant chaos when DH has openly admitted he doesn't have a clue what else to do about him.
Its so complex - I often wish BM would up and move far away and take SS7 - I just hope we can keep SD12 if that happens for her own sake.
If Mom feels the way you
If Mom feels the way you described suggest that the kids stay with Dad and only visit on the normal every other weekend/holiday etc. Tell Mom to tell Dad that if Mom doesn't have to pay child support she'll give Dad written permission to keep them on her week days as well as his own. No court order is necessary.
If she needs an excuse, i.e. if Dad is suspicious she can claim finances are bad - "long story". He'll think you're gambling or whatever.
Don't be hasty to marry - Dad could die or otherwise be unable to care for the kids in which case Mom would have them full time. Shacking up may be good until they're safetly out of all homes.
attention whore is a funny
attention whore is a funny word!
Thanks to all of you for the
Thanks to all of you for the comments, and to one that asked....don't sweat it, I don't get offended easily. Not here to be coddled, here for actual advice from folks who have been here.
A lot of you mentioned doubts about my girlfriend moving away from her kids. And believe me, I have doubts about this too. However, she insists that she will move, that in fact she WANTS to move away. We are in the middle of nowhere, small-town Iowa. She's tasted living in other parts of the country, even the world (lived in the Islands as a nanny for a year or so right out of school about 20 years ago). I believe her, yet I know that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!
I don't want to live here anymore, I grew up around here, and didn't think I'd ever want to move too far away, but I want warm weather and/or a bit of travel and adventure. I'm on the verge of this opportunity right now in my career. I just have to hold out for (hopefully not more than) about a year. Their mother has talked to me about all of this, and she states that she feels like a bad mother, but that she just wants to move away and leave the daughter with the biodad. My girlfriend goes to bed many a night crying because she's so exhausted from dealing with SD11.
The biggest issue I see is the boy. While I'm convinced that (if given the chance to choose) he'll stay with biodad, my girlfriend believes that he just may move with us. Our concern about that, though, is that the Iowa courts would prefer at that point to keep the kids together. I don't know much about how all that works. Either way, when I move, I don't think I want her (SD11) to even have the choice to move with us. I can't even imagine what the teen years will be like with her.
She has an appointment set up with a psychiatrist in two weeks. It has been brought up to us that there is likely a chemical imbalance. We'll see how all that goes.
Anyway, thank you all for the input.
I wish you the best of luck.
I wish you the best of luck. I'm a BM and a SM (both girls are 14, mine is mature, his is NOT).
My daughter chose to live with her dad in Michigan (I'm in Denver) when she was 11 due to my ex and I moving around a lot and uprooting her. I got it, I understood and she's happy. But being away from her is SUPER HARD. She's my only girl, my only child. And she just started her first day of high school yesterday and of course, I missed it. I miss her birthdays since it's in February and I can't travel as often as I'd like. I miss her getting ready for formal dances at school. I miss a whole LOT in her life. She visits Colorado during summer vacation but now that she's a teenager, her friends mean a lot and she wants to stay in MI with them. I travel up to MI once or twice a year, for a week at a time, but again, that's not a lot of time.
Your GF will miss her children tremendously if she leaves them. Be prepared for lots of tears, crying jags for apparently no reason, depression. I know you say she cries herself to sleep now just from dealing with the kid. I do that from NOT seeing mine. Then again, my daughter is a joy to be around most times. She doesn't cause issues like SD14 does.
I just wish you the best. I'd not get married until everything is settled though. It only complicates things!
I'm glad to hear about the
I'm glad to hear about the psychiatrist appointment. I hope it leads to counselling as well, including for your GF. Not to say that there's anything wrong with your GF, but counselling will help her with coping and management techniques, and I'm guessing she could use some help with working through some guilt. And well, as far as SD, certainly couldn't hurt...might even help...