Help! I can't stand the kids!
I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the right forum, but here it goes anyways.
I have tried and talked to so many people, and I'm not sure if anyone feels/thinks the way I do.
I'm getting married, and he has 2 kids from a previous marriage. The kids are okay... I love them for being kids, but I resent them so heavily for being HIS kids. I was already having problems (not having kids of my own, by making responsible decisions to not have an "oopsies") with the fact that they even existed out of an accident... an accident that not only had one child, but 2, and then a really shitty, loveless marriage that ended in divorce.
He tells me that the reason that he got married in the first place, is that yes, he did care about her, but he did it more out of obligation, which ends up being problem number 1. Why in the world would anyone do this? Second, they got married BECAUSE she got pregnant on accident (that was his obligation). Then, in a miserable marriage, mistake number 3 - the second kid.
I have so many problems with this, not because I choose to dwell on the fact that they've had sex, but because I feel like I can't get away from it. There are ALWAYS comments from her about him, she even caught me at work and we talked for about 3 hours and she even told me about the first time they had sex!!!! this is just the beginning of the inappropriate things she says.
I don't know if she's jealous of me, and our relationship now, but I feel like whenever I'm around there is always something to be said about "their" kids, and all of that.
She calls at all hours of the night, and I feel like our relationship is completely determined by what we're "allowed" to do based on when she says we can drop them off from visitation, when our weekends off are, what we HAVE to do for them... It's so frustrating.
The other hard part of this is that as much as I try to deal with it, me and him have had to have conversations where I say "she is NOT allowed to talk to you like that, because I am the significant other in the picture, and she is not." She's scolds him like he's a child! It's causing him to not want to deal with it anymore, because he too feels trapped by having the kids.. and it's mostly because of her. it feels like SHE is making the whole situation of adjusting to kids even more hard by not letting go and making me feel like I owe her something.
We have both just come to our wits end with this, and it's to the point of "if this continues, we give up visitation". We have tried to be civil with her, and work with her, compromise, talk, yell, everything.. and it's like she doesn't want me to forget that she had him first... and she's taking that away from me. It's making it hard to make those feelings go away of "he's loved someone else." She just won't let me forget. It's making having the kids over hard because I can't even stand the thought of going and picking them up and worrying what she's going to say to make me feel completely inadequate. It makes the issues with them easier to blame on him and the "mistakes" he's made in his past and it's driving a wedge.
What can I do to resolve this? I'm sorry this is so wordy, but I really need help here. We live together and are getting married soon... but this stuff has to stop before the kids are pushed out of our life.
I HAVE to find a way to make the anxious feelings go away. I can't help but think of it all the time, and I feel like I'm not allowed to forget the fact that she's already given him everything I wish I could have.
I think if this relationship
I think if this relationship is going to succeed, you need one thing BOUNDARIES!! Both you and your fiance need to learn to set boundaries. Why in heavens name did you talk to the BM for 3 hours? I have never said more than 3 words to the BM in 10 years. She does not have the right to run your lives for you in this way. You can refuse to speak to her, get a new cell phone if necessary and don't give her the number. As to your fiance, he can refuse to communicate with her except by email or in writing - phone calls for strict emergencies only. The idea that she can call during the night is ridiculous, and he needs to put a stop to this.
I talked to her because she
I talked to her because she cornered me at work. I don't feel it's appropriate with the way she acts to be at our house when the kids are not involved, and she came to pick something up. I feel like I HAVE to talk to her, otherwise she pushes my fiance' around, and I am not scared to make her mad... I feel like he is. I'm the only one who has spoken up on his behalf, and he's finally starting to get it, but I feel like the shift in "who's the boss" is getting to her. It feels like a lose lose situation.
I agree as well. I have had
I agree as well. I have had limited words with my SO's ex-wife and I plan to keep it that way. It doesn't sound like there is a visitation plan in effect so I would have something drawn up regarding this. I know for me when my SO needs to pick up his son, he goes alone. I will pick him up from school but I do not want to go to her house. When she needs to pick him up, he goes outside alone and if he is working I open up the door and watch him walk out to her. The problem that I am dealing with though is that my SO feels it necessary to have social time with his ex and constant communication via phone calls and texts. It may start off about their son but always ends up going elsewhere. His main thing is that he feels he needs to shove in her face the fact that he has moved onto bigger and better things (she cheated and left him), but it's the fact that this is going on. Everyone who has posted comments on my post have mentioned the same thing - boundaries. Good luck and just remember you are not alone. I posted my discussion twice (by mistake) so if you have a chance please read them - there is a lot of great information in them.
Don't get married to a guy
Don't get married to a guy with children. It's not personal, its not you, or him, or his kids. Just don't marry a guy with children. Your resentment will turn to hate very quickly and unless you're a saint the kids and your husband will pick up on it. The backlash isn't worth it.
Find a guy who has no children. Trust me on this - a lifetime of grief awaits you here.
There is no reason EXCEPT
There is no reason EXCEPT this to break up. Our relationship is great. And at the age that I am it's tough not to find someone with some sort of baggage.
I'm trying to resolve this, because he says 100% that they WILL become a paycheck before we break up. I come first. I don't believe this makes him a bad person, his priorities are just organized differently than those of others.
I need to know how to make this situation better, because breaking up, and me finding someone different isn't an option. I can, however, try to make this situation better before visitation is given up. I'm doing my best to save my family, and it only STARTS with fixing the situation with her. After that happens, we can work on the other issues with the kids. She is only the beginning and I need to find a way to get HER out of my head.
Amen to that !!!
Amen to that !!!
1. Get a new phone number. Do
1. Get a new phone number. Do not give it to BM. You do not need to have ANY contact with her.
2. Get DH to get a new number. Do not give it to BM. Instead, set up an email account especially for corrensondence with her. Explain to the BM that due to her constant harassment, all communication will now be via email. You will check this email every 2 days (once a week, whatever) and anything not relating to the skids will be ignored
3. Do not ever let her in your house. If possible, change the pick-up/drop-off location to neutral location (we do ours in a supermarket carpark). If this is not possible, meet her at the door. Make sure you have all the skids stuff ready to just shove them out the door so she doesn't have a chance to chat. If she tries to anyway, tell her - interupt her - and ask that please put it in an email and send it to the nonimated address if its about the kids. If its not, don't engage her. Just say mmm, thats nice etc untill you get the skids out. Shut the door in her face. If she come to your house to 'pick something up', tell her that you do not want her coming to your house (except for pick-ups/drop-offs if you can't do the neutral location thing) and anything that the skids have forgoten will be sent back with them on the next drop-off.
4. YOU need to stop doing pick-ups. Leave that to your DH. He was the one who F-ed up and procreated with her, HE should be the one who has to deal with her! If he is unavailable to, too bad. He can pick them up when he's free. After all, they are coming to spend time with him not you.
5. If she corners you at work, tell her your sorry but your very busy. Walk away if you have to. If its about the kids, say could she please send that to the email address and DH will look at it when he has time. Make sure she knows that she needs to speak with DH about anything concerning the skids, "You'll have to speak to DH about that".
6. If she tries to tell your DH what to do regarding them, he needs to tell her that what happens in your house is none of her business. He cares for them as best he sees fit on his time, as she does on hers.
7. Try to always conduct yourself with poise and dignity. Don't let her see that she gets to you, if you do she is winning as this is what she wants - to cause trouble in your life and your relationship. But you shouldn't really have to have anything to do with her.
Once you set boundries in place, you will find that your anxiety decreases. You're very lucky that you DH puts your relationship first. Many don't. It is really the way it should be because if there's no marriage there's no family. It sound like he's jumping the gun though by talking about giving up visitation before he's even tried putting boundries in place. Is it because giving up would be eaiser than taking his balls back from this woman? And it IS hard putting boundries in place when there have been none before but it is something that has to be done. I know my DH had so much more self-respect and could walk taller when he stopped taking shit from his ex.
We have tried putting
We have tried putting boundaries in place. If he calls and says "hey what do you think about 6 for a drop off time", she'll just say "no, 730" and hang up the phone. We have started meeting in a neutral spot instead of the houses, and 99% of the time, that works perfect. He's stopped answering the phone when she calls until we both are present, and we've definitely tried to adhere to those things.
The tough part comes from the fact that I feel that it is my job to be present, as I DO help with parenting when he is here, and having a presence to HER is very important to me. I want to have a presence during the pick ups/drop offs because I feel like making myself known makes our relationship real, and tells her essentially to back off because he's moved on. I do not trust her, and when I have sent him alone, she'll trap him talking just as much as she did with me the one time at work. She makes it seem significant because communicating about the kids is important, but it is 100% on her terms. This is what's getting old, very very fast.
Giving up visitation has been talked about because as much as we try to co-parent, be reasonable, communicate like adults with her, and come to a common ground that we ALL can live with, she doesn't respond. It's like she loves the drama, and at the end of the day WE need to be happy. That's why I'm trying to get help for this... I feel like we've exhausted so many options and brushed too much off because she's tough to deal with.
I'm just at a loss.
Orange County is
Orange County is right.....don't marry a man with kids. Not worth the hassle....take it from someone who has lived and learned. Which would be everyone on this board.