Opinions Please

Forums:

I like some opinions please. My SO's daughter (18) just left for college in a town about 8 hours away. We helped move her there last weekend. She hasn't spoken to me for the past couple of months, for what reason we aren't really sure. Her sister 23 recently told my SO that 1 of their issues with me is that they think 'my lifestyle has improved' because of SO. Actually, I have a good job and can take care of myself. SO and I just moved in together recently after being together for 8 years. His daughters were not happy about this. Anyway on to my question. While we were in the town of the university to move her in, she told my SO that she only wanted it to be him and BM, not me helping. So, okay, he was upset about this, but did what he had promised to do to help her move in. I hung out and did some shopping near our hotel for the afternoon. BM and skid (18) were going to go out to dinner with her roommates parents that evening of the move in. SO declined to go since I wasn't invited and told them he was going to have dinner with me. So that was very good of him to do.

Anyway, this girls 18th BD is in a month, I've always in the past been very generous with his daughters, giving them BD money and XMAS money and money for graduation. I gave her $50 for her graduation in May, but it's been since then that she quit talking to me. Do I send her a BD card with NO mondy in it...or don't even bother to send her a card? She's been nothing but rude and ignoring me each time she has seen me for the past 2 months. What do you think I should do?

NOTHING! She obviously has

NOTHING! She obviously has made her stance with you, she's 18 so why waste your time? Treat her as she treats you, she is an adult now and isnt that the golden rule?!

We just went through this

We just went through this with SD14. She basically ignored DH, his family and I for months, then called DH's father the day before her birthday expecting him to take her out to her favorite restaurant for dinner!

DH dropped her a birthday card (NO CASH, NO PRESENT), told her he loved her and hoped that she'd see that her treatment of him is painful and unnecessary. He'd always be there for her and wanted her to know he wished her a happy birthday. I gave her nothing, since she has made ZERO effort in months.

This girl is an adult now. She needs nothing from you and she's already shown you she could care less. I wouldn't bother sending her anything!!!! For one, she doesn't deserve it and for two, it'll show her consequences for her actions. Do as you wish, but I recommend she get nothing.

Just my opinion, as we share a similar situation

~Mel

Let DH send a card. You owe

Let DH send a card. You owe her nothing.

You do nothing. DH should

You do nothing. DH should not do a hell of a lot either but up to him. When SD turned nasty, I cut all this stuff off. DH does send a card, but no money....He refuses to reward bad behavior.

No way would I sent the

No way would I sent the little turd a thing.

You send her a card. A very

You send her a card. A very sincere, happy birthday, this day is all about you, card. And that is it. The missing monetary gift will get the message across that you care but are not there to cater to her brattiness. She will miss it.

I think that is good advice.

You send her a card. A very

I agree with those that say

I agree with those that say send a card with no money. If you totally ignore her birthday you will feed into her theory of you being a monster.

AND - even if she does trash

AND - even if she does trash the card and NOT appreciate it - the point is more about the missing money. She will get the message clearer if the card is sent sans money.

Not sending anything will feed into what she already thinks of you. Sending a card but no money tells her that you are a bigger person, you acknowledge her birthday and wish her well but are not going out of your way to indulge her.

See, that's why DH gave SD14

See, that's why DH gave SD14 a card with a very sweet message in it and NO cash or gift. It sent that message clearly that he's not rewarding her bad behavior any longer, she cannot expect a gift and still get away with treating him like crap.

Oh and she can't say "he simply forgot my birthday or he doesn't care enough to even give a card"! She KNOWS he didn't forget, as he hand-delivered it and gave it to her in person. That made a pretty big impact I'm sure. He said, I just wish I could've stuck around long enough to see her face when she opened the card and NOTHING fell out!

~Mel

Yeah, I agree. I think

Yeah, I agree. I think sending just a card is passive aggressive .. especially if you KNOW she's expecting something. I would send nothing in this situation.

I would not send her

I would not send her anything. If she were younger and didn't fully understand things yet, I would consider it but at 18 she definitely knows. Don't do anything for that little shit!

Hanny, I am in a situation

Hanny, I am in a situation that is similart to yours (ish).

My SD17 isn't talking (doesn't live with us) to me ... not replying to texts, nothing.

what I had to decide was what do I FEEL like doing? It comes down to ME. If I feel in my heart that I don't want to drop her a note now and then or text then I am in control of my feelings. However sometimes I will still send her a text saying "I hope your day is great" or something like that because I FEEL like doing it.

I truly believe it comes down to what actions do you want to take that will still allow you to respect yourself?

Do not another persons' actions or inactions determine who you are.

You don't have to send money or a gift. If you WANT to, fine. If you WANT to send a card, do it. If you don't want, that is also very fine.

Ultimately you need to look at yourself and know that you have retained your own personal line of integrity, whatever it happens to be.

Thanks for all your

Thanks for all your suggestions!

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