DH refuses to get better job to pay his share
I need advice about my DH. To make a long story short, he has a crappy job making crappy money & I am stuck with the majority of the bills (keep in mind, his kid lives with us 50% of the time). I have tried everything I can think of to motivate him to do better. I have a Master’s degree and work as a Certified Public Accountant. My DH barely finished high school and moves furniture for a little over minimum wage. Naturally, there is going to be a difference in pay due to the difference in education and I knew that when we got together. However, I don’t understand why he is satisfied with his life the way it is. I keep telling him it’s not too late for you to go back to school and learn something that will enable you to get a good job making good (or at least better) money. I even found a program for him and offered to pay for it. He refused to go. My family and friends all think he’s lazy. Now it’s not ALL about money- but he refuses to even LOOK for a better job or do ANYTHING to further his education. Meanwhile, I busted my butt through school and still bust my butt working and am stuck paying the majority of the bills because he doesn’t make enough to cover his share. What should I do??
If he wont get a better job
If he wont get a better job then he needs to get a second job to cover his share....period!!! But definitely make sure that he is paying for HIS kid and not you!!!
Get rid of him. Sorry,
Get rid of him. Sorry, sometimes people don't have better jobs because of circumstances, ie. my DH when we got together. However, those who are NOT lazy, take every opportunity and SUPPORT they can to help them do better. My had a crappy job when we met. He was "content". When I came along, we discussed and he stated he didn't really like his job and it didn't pay much, but that is all he knew. Well, I told him to take ANY adult course and I would pay for it...whatever it was. It didn't have to be a 4yr degree, it could just be one little course of 3-4 months that was interesting to him so that he could start expanding his horizons. He did just that. Within 8 months of quitting his job (then he took that course), he had a new job and makes more money than I do. He took advantage of every opportunity he had to do better.
I see that when you have bills to pay, etc. you can get stuck with what you have, but if you have the emotional and financial support of someone and still sit on your ass, then you are just lazy. Period.
PS - I do NOT believe that the only way to make money is a 4yr degree a Masters or more...I make plenty and so does DH and neither of us have degrees...
Maybe you can talk about WHAT HE WOULD LIKE to DO, even if that is, start his OWN business doing what he does now...that might motivate him enough...some people don't like the corporate world, etc. and they do great just having a cleaning business, a landscape business, a moving business, etc...if YOU want him to have a degree and a corporate type job, then really, it's more about you...so make sure you support HIM and what he wants, not what you want.
Good luck.
herewegoagain- Just to
herewegoagain- Just to clarify, the program I tried to get him to take was a 6 month automotive certification program. I don't expect him to go get a Master's degree. I just want him to do SOMETHING! I have also tried to get him to start his own business because he has a HVAC certification that he does NOT use in his current job- but he says he is "not ready" or "doesn't have the money to buy the tools he needs". It's just excuse after excuse. I don't care what type of job he has really. I just want him to support himself and his kid.
I'm torn on this subject. I
I'm torn on this subject. I too, went to college, and am a CPA .. DH is a cop, he makes crap pay, works a ton of hours, and has so-so benefits.
He likes his job. Loves it. I contribute the majority of money in our household. I also knew that when we got together. And it would be wildly unfair of me to ask him to switch jobs or go back to school now.
Not to mention, the cost of education is increasing exponentially. Even if he went back to school, the debt we would likely acquire while he was doing it would dwarf any additional earnings he brought in with a new job post-degree, doing something he doesn't feel passionately about.
My advice to you? Split your finances. Don't pay for his kids if it bothers you. But accept that he is the man you married, and he was this man when you married him. It's not very fair to demand change out of him now ..
PS glad you can see that.
PS glad you can see that. It would be no more fair of you to expect him to NOT be a cop when that is what he loves, than it would be fair of him to expect you to be a "stay at home wife or stay at home mom" and cook and clean all day only...
I think my DH carries a level
I think my DH carries a level of guilt about making less money .. to some degree, it carries a stigma to not be the primary bread winner for some men
He has considered going back to school. He is about halfway through a Sociology degree that he gave up on years ago when he was still in the Navy. He just has no passion for it.
We have discussed it at great length. We have a modest house with a nice, big yard. Could we afford more? Sure. But that would mean I would be contributing more towards the mortgage. He wants to keep it as even as possible, so we live a more modest lifestyle.
If keeping things even is important to a couple, then sometimes that means you have to reduce your spending, not force him to increase his. Just my opinion.
Geez, I would love if my DH
Geez, I would love if my DH was a cop lol. His job doesn't even offer benefits- we have medical/dental/life insurance through my employer but what about retirement??
Heh .. careful what you wish
Heh .. careful what you wish for.
I guess a lot of it depends on the city/state where you work .. but cops here get shafted on the regular. In order for the city to make their annual contribution to their pension last year, they had to give all the officers a 3% pay cut.
Their benefits are so-so .. they are eliminating all the good options and will be left with only an HMO option.
And sure, it's SOMETHING .. but it's also not guaranteed that he comes home every night. THAT is a whole other level of shit to deal with.
When we first started living
When we first started living together, I was a wreck all the time! I've become somewhat accustomed to it, and now that I know pretty much all of his cop buddies, I know he's in good hands.
But yeah, late night calls always send off a tiny little panic in my brain ...
SMof2Girls, I didn't mean any
SMof2Girls, I didn't mean any offense. I know that has to be very hard. I just meant that I see being a cop as a career while I see my DH's job as nothing close to that.
Oh I wasn't offended at all
Oh I wasn't offended at all .. I only meant to highlight the fact that there is a trade off to everything ..
If he goes to school, he could get a better paying job, but he'd be home less. His child support might go up. He could have more responsibility; and more stress. He could accumulate debt in school; another stressor you'd have to deal with. Or he could be a cop and you're dealing with the stuff that we cop-wives do.
I wish you the best .. and I really think you need to have a very serious chat about it with him. It's a different thing to not want to change jobs than not being able to support your family.
Your DH is who he is. If he
Your DH is who he is. If he likes his job, and isn't sitting around all day doing nothing, leave him alone. But do not pay for his kids! Split the bills down the middle. If he can't pay the bills, then he needs a part time job. But please don't pressure him to find another job if he can pay the bills. People said I was 'lazy' because of the job that I had, and that I wasn't reaching my "full potential". So I let DH and others pressure me into quitting my job that I loved, and starting a new career. I have never had another job that I liked, and I hold resentment to this day toward DH for pressuring me to quit. Now if DH is working less than 40hrs, or making min wage and can't pay his bills, it's a whole different story. Sounds like you've tried to interest him in other things and he just wasn't into it. Maybe being a mover is what he really wants to be. It doesn't hurt to encourage him to start a business of his own, or explore other options if he's interested, but remember this.... If he did get a different job, that he hated, and he made more money, and was stressed out and worried all the time he wouldn't be happy, and my guess is neither would you.
Thanks for the advice. DH
Thanks for the advice. DH actually only works a few hours a day so far less than 40 hours a week. Before we moved in together, we agreed that he would pay me $200/week and I would handle the finances. Well after we moved in, I realized $200/week is not half like I originally thought it would be, BUT I let that go because that's what we had agreed on. Problem is, he can't even pay me the $200 that we agreed on. Last week, for example, he only gave me $120.
I just don't see how he can be content knowing his bills are not paid (he also has a LOT of other debt aside from monthly household bills that he does not pay, including owing the IRS money).
He refuses to get a second job.
Are you willing to downsize?
Are you willing to downsize? Or do you feel like you already live at the minimum?
If he's not taking care of his minimum responsibilities, it's a problem. Dream chasing is fine until someone else is stuck providing for your kids.
We don't know much about your situation, so it's hard to really assess. If he's genuinely being lazy, then you'll have to put a stop to it and force him to man up. Contribute exactly what he contributes and let him manage it.
SMof2Girls, we really do live
SMof2Girls, we really do live at the minimum which I think is absolutely ridiculous. I know I didn't give a whole lot of info but basically we rent a 2 bedroom house and I refuse to even get pregnant until we can afford (we meaning he) to move up to a 3 bedroom so my baby doesn't have to share a room with skid. So SD takes up the only extra room in our house which DH hardly contributes to paying for. I just have a lot of resentment built up I guess. If I contributed exactly what he contributes, our rent would not even be paid, let alone our utilities and food. He is fine with sitting home every night, but I do like to go out (not excessively, but like once every other weekend when we don't have skid) and every time, I have to pay. Vacations, I pay for. His clothes, I pay for. His work lunches, I pay for. His car insurance and cell phone, I pay for. Sometimes I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
I think you absolutely need
I think you absolutely need to sit down and explain all of this to him. Stop paying for HIS stuff. Pay your agreed upon share of everything (rent, food, electric, etc). Detail out exactly what you're willing to contribute. Do not pay his car insurance, cell phone, his clothes, work lunches, or ANYTHING for his kid.
Do the bare minimum to keep the house running (rent, utilities, etc). Go out with your friends with your extra money. Plan girls weekends or mini vacations with your friends/family. Don't include him. If he can't contribute in a meaningful way, he can't participate.
I would start a list of what you're willing to pay, but be reasonable and acknowledge that he will not likely get a job making what you do. Also, with a down economy, he may not be able to easily pick up a second job. You have to keep all these things in mind and make your requests reasonable and attainable.
I would have a conversation
I would have a conversation with him, and discuss that if things don't change you may have to cut back on the finer parts of your life. Also let him know that he may be happy but he could possibly be happier and pursue something that is more of his dreams as I don't see moving furniture being someones dreams.
My ex was a cotton gin worker making bare minimum. I didn't have to help support but I knew that if we were going to make a bigger commitment in our relationship he was going to need a better job. I brought it to his attention as don't you want a better life for my SD at the time. I also told him it would be good for her to see that daddy could still make a life change and no matter what you should always try to improve yourself and follow your dreams.
With my current DH he works offshore and is happy but wanting something new. When we first got together he pretty much acted like he couldn't do more. As we have grown and he has been able to spend more time with my SS now than when he was married, he has decided he wanted to come home. I am currently in school so he is still offshore but plans to come home and go back to school so he can provide a better life for me and SS. He is helping me financially right now and I know when he is in school I will pay the majority of the bills...but again we have discussed it as providing a better life for the SS and showing that it is never to late.
I would not support his kid.
I would not support his kid. If he doesn't make enough to support his kid, his kid would be with the BM all the time. It's bad enough you have to mostly support him. I could see if he was trying and I could see if he had no other options but he has HVAC experience! Most of the country was in a heatwave all Summer and I continually heard HVAC guys talk about how busy they were & could barely keep up! So I have slightly less pity on him than I would someone without any other options. I do suggest that you warn him first that if he can't find a way to make more income-whether through a different job or a second job that you'll have to cut back on how much you all have his kid because you can't afford it. And if that doesn't motivate him you will know for sure that you are dealing with someone who is lazy.
And you can't fix lazy in a grown man.
I will try to talk to him
I will try to talk to him again. It just seems like it's never going to get better. I have talked to him numerous times about it and have even given him a break-down of all our monthly bills (how much rent is, electric, water, etc.). He just doesn't seem to be getting it and I am not sure why. It's almost like he feels entitled..
And to answer your question RisingAboveIt- no, he does not do much around the house. I come home from work every day and cook dinner and normally am also left doing the dishes. He rarely cleans anything. He does do the laundry. That's pretty much all he does around the house.
I think this month I am going to get all the actual bills together and bring them to the table, that way it's not just me rattling off numbers to him.