teen who only uses you for money
I'm sorry I don't know all the abbreviations yet. I just joined this site less than 5 min ago. My husband and I have shared custody of his daughters. The 17 year old didn't like our rules so she went to live w/ her mother full time. We didn't even have that many rules! He told her she couldn't hang out w/ a certain group of kids (druggies) and she got mad and left. She has no supervision at her mom's. She comes and goes as she pleases and she still hangs out w/ the bad kids. She wants nothing to do with us and has treated us like dirt. Now out of the blue,she asked my husband if he was going to help her mom pay for sr. pics and school clothes. He pays child support and also covers the medical insurance. He also pays for several other things - at least for the younger one because we still have her every other week. We don't know what to do. We don't want to look like the bad guys, but we don't want his daughter thinking she can treat us like dirt and then ask for money. Please help. We are very torn about this.
"No" would be my
"No" would be my response.
You cannot let her treat you guys that way or it will never stop. Ever.
She might as well learn now, there are consequences to her actions, even with family.
My SD (step daughter) thought she could just treat her dad any 'ol way and it was okay because she's his daughter. That did not fly with us and she learned, that is not the way life works.
She even tried the "but I'm just a kid". No, she was 15 when she stopped visitation the first time, old enough to know what she was doing. And she did it not once, but twice. We refused to be manipulated.
Besides the fact, that all that stuff is part of what child support is for.
BM lives w/ her parents,
BM lives w/ her parents, works, gets child support, and STILL is always broke. She's the type that ignores her bills and spends her money on fun stuff - movies, restaurants, hotel stays. I honestly have never met anyone so irresponsible. My DH has always done everything to provide for his girls, so it's like a slap in the face for him to be treated this way. He's having trouble dealing w/ this. Part of him feels guilty, like he's abandoning her, but the other part is very angry and hurt and doesn't want to contribute one dime.
He is not abandoning her and
He is not abandoning her and he has nothing to feel guilty about. He needs to stay strong and not give in, otherwise, the cycle will continue. If he stops it now, yes, he will feel bad but in time he will feel not so bad and know he did the right thing for both him and her.
If he gives in, it WILL happen again and then he has to go through those feelings all over again. It takes a toll, let me tell you. And if he gives in for awhile and later puts a stop to it, the resentment is even worse because she will be used to getting her way.
Not to mention, if he wants his daughter to grow up to be a decent person, this is something she needs a lesson in. That is the job of a parent, it's not always about money.
I feel for your husband, I have seen mine go through it. If it is any consolation, his daughter is now 21 and calls him almost daily. They have a pretty good relationship despite her stopping her visitation when she was 15 and him sticking to his guns about the consequences of that.
We have a similar BM, but
We have a similar BM, but luckily CS just ended. Our BM does not work, has never worked, and has taught my DH's young adult kids that you should not have to work. They are all lazy, manipulative and hateful. When I met DH, 2 of his 3 kids were teens. They all were demanding so much money from DH that he could not afford it anymore. They would ONLY contact him when they wanted money. It was awful to see, bc they were/are really abusive.
18 months ago, DH stopped the cash flow. The last time he gave them money was when his daughter drove to our house, stopped her car, and put her hand out like he was an ATM machine. She works only part time and his other 2 refuse to work. They have been nasty to him and me. Like your DH, mine has been an awesome father, but BM has overpowered him, since the kids were little. He is one of those male victims of abuse you do not hear too much about. Some of what they have done to him would make you cry.
My DH is very hurt, has some guilt, and is also beyond frustrated. He works hard, 6 days a week, and he cannot understand his kids' laziness and unwillingness to do anything productive. We are not giving them any money at all and will not.
I think your DH HAS to say no. I agree with hereiam completely. IT WILL NEVER STOP. My DH's kids are now using Facebook to hint for cash/gifts. They will email and also hint that way. DH gets no birthday cards, no Father's Day cards, etc. I do not think they will ever change, but I am glad DH woke up. There is no way I would have married him if he was still handing out the cash like he was.
Your DH has nothing to feel guilty about. She needs to understand that she cannot treat you all like dirt and still be given things. Trust me, the longer this goes on, the worse you will feel. My DH was feeling VERY used, and even though I know he feels bad to an extent, he is fine with not handing them cash anymore.
I agree with all the others.
I agree with all the others. The answer needs to be NO.
Don't just tell her no though. Actually sit her down and explain WHY the answer is no, and will be continue to be no if she keeps treating you this way.
If you just tell her no, she might not make the connection that it's a result of her behavior. She will probably get mad, but my mother-in-law gave me some good advice on this subject one time. If call your kid out on something, yes they are going to get mad. But at least they will still have to think about what you actually said to them, mad or not.
I have a question for any of
I have a question for any of you who have children of your own. If you were the BM in this situation and your ex husband refused to pay for senior pictures because he wasn't getting along w/ his daughter, how would you feel about it? Not that I care what BM thinks! I just don't want them to say he abandoned his daughter. He still pays child support of course (voluntarily), but he has not bought her anything at all since she moved out. All of this child support stuff is new to me. I know someone said that this is what child spprt is for, but do those of you who receive child spprt agree? Would you expect your ex to chip in? Thanks.
Daddy explains the concept of
Daddy explains the concept of child support to her and states that since her mother gets $xxx.xx from him every month for the whole year it becomes her responsibility to pay for such things. He tells her that when the court sets the dollar amount they consider such "extra" things like prom dresses and school pictures.
He can flat out tell her that he has difficulty sending money to anyone who treats him with contempt/derision/hate/ whatever the proper word is for her attitude.
OCC I love your wisdom -
OCC I love your wisdom - great advice I am printing this out for my DH to read tonight...thank you!